Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when

you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist

and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male

employees.


She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have

preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that

she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed

to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high

level of professionalism.


I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is

tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day

that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of

problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you

could give me for it?"


The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this

is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,

* a company pickup truck,

* a king size bed and

* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

[ga400us]

Two Old friends meet in heaven

.
SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into
the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that
I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive.

 

[ga400us]

German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention
of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge
to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going
to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going
to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and
just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[ga400us]

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for
me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just
stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[ga400us]

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call him at home?'

'Lard ass.'

 

[ga400us]

A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her
and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

 

[ga400us]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH:

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,
how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies,
'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says,
'I have a question for YOU.'

There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down
the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,
but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON MORE MATH:

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH:

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody
have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says
'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful i n it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant', and he said
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER:

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that
candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied,
'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.

LOVE That Little RALPHY.......

 

[ga400us]

Zig and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country
Club.

They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship
and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a
deep valley descending to a dogleg right.
Both Zig and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots, which disappear
down into the valley. A short time later, the club caddie appears
at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within
6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf
balls are Titleist #4s.

Zig and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not
informed each other as to what kind of ball they were
playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the
valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are
right next to each other at the bottom of the valley in the
middle of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Zig and says, "We had better get a ruling from
a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the
Polish Country Club Championships and we don't want to
be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong
ball. After all, we are tied for the lead."

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4
Titleist golf balls.

He then looks up at Zig and Stosh and asks, "Which one of you
is playing the orange ball?"

 

[ga400us]

Sawmill Accident....


Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in
the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

 

[ga400us]

The Church Lady

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and
taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in
the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman
she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned
forward and said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on
Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest
restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down,
the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you
like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood.
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much
until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and
asked: "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my
Sunday School class if I did !"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his
car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local
Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he
figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh,
mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right
then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most
incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have
to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"

 

[ga400us]

Travel Plans for 2015......

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes
I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

 

[Aussie_Wolf]

Thought for the day

If a man is all alone talking to himself in the deepest part of the deepest woods with no woman around for 100's of miles to hear him....is he still wrong?

 

[ga400us]

Thought for the day

If a man is all alone talking to himself in the deepest part of the deepest woods with no woman around for 100's of miles to hear him....is he still wrong?

Probably

 

[ga400us]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

[ga400us]

Two policemen call the station on the radio....

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband
for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor's still wet."

 

[ga400us]

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.

If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

 

[ga400us]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of
them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.


FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

BONUS TRUTH:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's
husband.

 

[ga400us]

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists, and in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.



I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.


She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

 

[ga400us]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men ?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one ?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


(I always wondered how this trend got started)

 

[ga400us]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"

"Well... not exactly." his friend replied. "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

 

[ga400us]

About Old Age

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ...now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

 

[ga400us]

Diller-isms....There will never be another Phyllis Diller.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller



Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller



A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller



Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller



What I don't like about office Christmas parties . . . is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller



The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . . was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller



My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller



I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller



Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle: Keep Away From Children.
-Phyllis Diller



I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller



The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . . is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

 

[ga400us]

The Irish Job Interview

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.’
You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "

 

[ga400us]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
'God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. Look at the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete, asphalt and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: "You want two lanes, or four, on that bridge?"

 

[ga400us]

The Mating Call:
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening... If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read... You'll like this …
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NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!