Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

Making a buck

The Newfoundland Department of Employment, claimed a boat yard owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.

GOV. AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 cash per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

GOV. AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

BOAT OWNER: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know ?

 

[phantom4533]

Late fall, the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

 

[ga400us]

Exclusive Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 69 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

 

[Leigh81]

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital
bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me ! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you
said that might hurt!"

L

 

[ga400us]

23 ADULT TRUTHS******

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you
know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of
the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want
to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear
I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey but
I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the
first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men
to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

 

[ga400us]

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital
bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me ! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you
said that might hurt!"

L

Snort! Good one

 

[Leigh81]

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees
boyfriend in a flower shop.
"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the
flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend
with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

L

 

[Leigh81]

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you
doing?"
His father says, "We are making you a little brother."
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

L

 

[ga400us]

Mrs. Browns Sticky Situation

http://youtu.be/tjJc8xLYhak

 

[Leigh81]

Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my
bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there,
arms folded...watching me . Is she a pervert or what?

L

 

[Leigh81]

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like;
"I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."


L

 

[ga400us]

Women Are Smarter Than Men, part Deux

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.”


Adam ate the apple, too!

Men will never learn

 

[ga400us]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots at pay you benefishery $400,000! "Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send at Afghanistan first?

 

[kayte]

Ah ha ha ha! Former Catholic school girl I take it!

Grade school, high school, Jesuit university.

 

[ga400us]

Grade school, high school, Jesuit university.

Holy Cross University myself.

 

[ga400us]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the
products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose
any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'* So she continues upward.

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor..
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[ga400us]

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
*
*
*
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
*
*
This is how it manifests:*
*
I decide to water my garden.*
*
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
*
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.*
*
As I start toward the garage,
*
I notice mail on the porch table that*
*
I brought up from the mail box earlier.*
*
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.*
*
I lay my car keys on the table,
*
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,*
*
And notice that the can is full.*
**
So, I decide to put the bills back
*
On the table and take out the garbage first...*
*
*But then I think,
*
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox*
*
When I take out the garbage anyway,*
*
I may as well pay the bills first.**
*
I take my check book off the table,
*
And see that there is only one check left.
*
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
*
So I go inside the house to my desk where*
*
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
**
I'm going to look for my checks,*
*
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside*
*
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.*
**
The Pepsi is getting warm,*
*
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.*
*
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,*
*
A vase of flowers on the counter*
*
Catches my eye--they need water.*
**
I put the Pepsi on the counter and*
*
Discover my reading glasses that*
*
I've been searching for all morning.*
*
I decide I better put them back on my desk,*
*
But first I'm going to water the flowers.*
*
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
*
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.*
*
Someone left it on the kitchen table.**
*
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
*
I'll be looking for the remote,*
*
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,*
*
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,*
*
But first I'll water the flowers.*
**
I pour some water in the flowers,
*
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.*
**
So, I set the remote back on the table,
*
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.*
**
Then, I head down the hall trying to
*
Remember what I was planning to do.
**
At the end of the day:
*
The car isn't washed,*
*
The bills aren't paid,*
*
There is a warm can of*
*
Pepsi sitting on the counter,*
*
The flowers don't have enough water,*
*
There is still only 1 check in my check book,*
*
I can't find the remote,*
*
I can't find my glasses,*
*
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
*
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
*
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,*
*
And I'm really tired.*
**
I realize this is a serious problem,
*
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....*
*
*
Do me a favor.
*
Forward this message to everyone you know,*
*
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.*

 

[ga400us]

What's in a name?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo).
Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days - pass it on!

 

[ga400us]

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the fricking brakes on that truck."

 

[ga400us]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk To her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"*

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife: Really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

[ga400us]

The "Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

 

[ga400us]

British Female Medical Exam

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.*
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No!* Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"

 

[ga400us]

User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?


Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.


User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?


Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.


User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?


Website: No, you must get a new one.


User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.


Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.


User: OK, roses


Website: Sorry you must use more letters.


User: pretty roses


Website: you must use at least one number.


User : 1 pretty rose


Website: you cannot use blank spaces.


User: 1prettyrose


Website : you must use additional letters.


User : 1fuckingprettyrose


Website: you must use at least one capital letter.


User: 1FUCKINGprettyrose


Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.


User: 1Fuckingprettyrose


Website: you must use additional letters ...


User : 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow


Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

 

[ga400us]

We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then, I discovered that my cell phone battery was flat and to top it off , it was raining outside, so I couldn’t go fishing. I went into the kitchen to make
coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

 

[ga400us]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.