Laughter is Contagious V2

[smotherman]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

LOL good one baby



"Grandma"



The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

 

[ga400us]

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.


FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband

 

[ga400us]

Hospital Bill

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.The store clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[ga400us]

Jewish Computer

I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low ... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!' button.

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.'

6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.'

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!'

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM.

 

[smotherman]

"Attitude"

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”

 

[ga400us]

Golf is easy

Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in the brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his left elbow pointed in toward the left hip and his right arm loose and closer to the body than the left and take the club head past his right knee and then break the wrists at just the right instant while the left arm is still traveling straight back from the ball and the right arm stays glued to the body and the hips come around in a perfect circle and meanwhile everything is mucked up unless the weight is 60 percent on the left foot and 40 percent on the right - not an ounce more or less - and at just the right point in the turn the left knee bends in toward the right in a dragging motion until the left heel comes off the ground but not too far and be sure the hands are over the right foot but not on the toe more than the heel except that the left side of the right foot is tilted off the ground - but not too far - and be sure the hands at the top of the swing are high and the shaft points along a line parallel with the ground and if it is a downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed downhill too and pause at the top of the swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell ringer yanking a belfry rope and don't un-cock the wrists too soon and pull the left hip around in a circle but don't let the shoulders turn with the hips - they have to be facing the hole and now transfer the weight 60 percent to the right foot and 40 percent to the left -not an once more or less and tilt the left foot and 40 percent to the right - not an ounce more of less - and tilt the left foot now so the right side of it is straight (that's the one you hit against) watch out for the left hand, it's supposed to be extended, but not too stiff or the shot won't go anywhere and don't let it get loose or you will hook, then let the wrists un-cock but don't force them or you'll smother the shot and don't break too soon but keep your head down and hit the ball! THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT . . . unless you move your head . . . then you're screwed!

 

[ga400us]

Little Red Wagon

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

[ga400us]

CATHOLIC GOLF

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying
a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed
the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said
tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you
dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.

Again, "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the
sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.

"Shit, I missed."

 

[ga400us]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about
how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men..
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we do n't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top
of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM. 'He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. '
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

 

[ga400us]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy, ‘the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

The little girl finds her mom's driver's license.

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,

'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. ‘Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[ga400us]

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"

 

[ga400us]

*

Winston Churchill loved araprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of
a sentence or phrase is … surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell
you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:'
I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street ...
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier
to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and ...holding someone down so
they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

Finally:
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and
harder for me to find one.

 

[1sickbastard]

*

Winston Churchill loved araprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of
a sentence or phrase is … surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell
you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:'
I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street ...
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier
to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and ...holding someone down so
they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

Finally:
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and
harder for me to find one.

I'm still laughing!

Dude, you've been away way too long. Glad to see you around.

 

[1sickbastard]

So I sez to da guy, I sez, "I likes to be arbitrary."
So da guy sez to me, he sez, "Yeah whyz dat?"
So I sez to da guy, I sez, "No reason."

 

[ga400us]

I'm still laughing!

Dude, you've been away way too long. Glad to see you around.

Thanks 1SB!

 

[ga400us]

So I sez to da guy, I sez, "I likes to be arbitrary."
So da guy sez to me, he sez, "Yeah whyz dat?"
So I sez to da guy, I sez, "No reason."

Clever

 

[ga400us]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already ... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work"

The dentist thought to himself ... "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain" so the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and
show him!"

 

[ga400us]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[ga400us]

Random thoughts as we age...

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing
me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, & the friends to post my
bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights" . I'm just very
wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs
work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is
just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my
knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes"

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do
that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a
plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and
remembering what I came in there for.

 

[ga400us]

Golden Years?

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my pockets.* Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."*

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"*

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."*

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"*

Welcome to the golden years..............*

 

[ga400us]

President's Day

I was eating breakfast with my* 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?"
*
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"* ..
*
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"* ..
*
I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.
*
She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of* the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Shit."
*
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.*

 

[ga400us]

50 Years Together

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
*
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No.1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you
know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
*
"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."
*
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
*
"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."
**
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and
I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
*
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
*
"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
*
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we
just never found the time to get married."
*
The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
*
"Yep", said the father,
"Cheap ones too..."

 

[ga400us]

Clever Signs

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume *you*are on
fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet*--
miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.*We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.*
However, if you don't, you will be delighted."

In a Restaurant Window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;*come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

And the best one for last...

Sign on the back of another*Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution -- Truck is full of Political Promises”
*
*-----------------------------------------------------

 

[ga400us]

Rodney*Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.*
*
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
*
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."*

My daughter, "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."*

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."*

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
*
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,*"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."**
*
"Property? "* Sarah replied!* "The asshole had a paper route!"

 

[ga400us]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her.... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in about 11 minutes...'