Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless .
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied.

Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian."

 

[1sickbastard]

Always good to see you, ga400us

 

[ga400us]

Always good to see you, ga400us

Thank you, it's always good to be seen.

 

[ga400us]

Why I'm divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.

 

[ga400us]

First Paycheck

A 4 YEAR-OLDS FIRST PAY CHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl
& some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference
when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew
turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter
naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her
as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave
her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay"
she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little
girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new
house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this
week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."

 

[ga400us]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making loveon Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

" She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[ga400us]

AARP- Australian Association of Retired People Questions and Answers from CARP Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ...."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humour!

 

[ga400us]

The Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding - invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She said she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, '"Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter". "Welcome to the family my son."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

[ga400us]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'

 

[ga400us]

Peeing On My Flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was
ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through
a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give
me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[jameslewis]

http://41.media.tumblr.com/16e9c81820809b1c2e4a1ea017ee8030/tumblr_nd8vu3xHhn1r4du8ho1_500.jpg

 

[ga400us]

Oops...a lawyer

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her, if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't dumb

 

[ga400us]

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

 

[ga400us]

Two old American Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sittingin a Mexican

restaurant one day. Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of

our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?" Abe replies,

"I don't know, let's ask our waiter."


When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says,"I don't know senor, I ask the cooks. " He returns from

the kitchen after a few minutes and says,"No senor, the cook say no

Mexican Jews."


Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"


The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,"I check

once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen. While the waiter

is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no

Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."


The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he

say there is no Mexican Jews."


"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no

Mexican Jews!"


"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter."All we

have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and
Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews ."

 

[ga400us]

Baptizing an Irishman

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

[ga400us]

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!

 

[ga400us]

Walk Naked Day in America

PLEASE DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY..............
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin
for a Muslim male to see any naked woman, other than his wife, and if he
does, he must commit suicide.

So next Saturday at 1 P.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked
to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorism effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses
to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim
terrorist sympathizers.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack of beer at your side
is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and
applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless America!!

 

[ga400us]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

How to get to Heaven from Ireland:


A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.


'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.


'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'


'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'


I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'


A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'


It's a curious group, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

 

[ga400us]

Confucius wisdom

Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say....
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Confucius Say....
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say....
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.

Confucius Say....
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say....
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say....
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.

 

[ga400us]

Political Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the
Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
~ Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about
us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to
be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on
Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

 

[ga400us]

Why I Call Him Honey...........

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in
the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you
still call your husband all those loving names.”

The elderly lady hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago,
and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.”

 

[ga400us]

Tyrone......................

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness,
especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me
mad, Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The
teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting
very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a stupid boy in
her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school
and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac
disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one
surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options,
the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young
doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue,
she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic,
who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his
vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon!

 

[ga400us]

Robot

A father buys a robot who can tell when someone lies and he decides to test it out at dinner
one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother

 

[ga400us]

Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money .

The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them.

'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

 

[ga400us]

A Florida Truism!!

Seniors At A Coffee Shop A group of seniors were sitting around at the Coffee Shop talking about
all their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.

“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."