Laughter is Contagious V2

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Engineers...

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

 

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God & Seniors

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter and gasp under your breath.

 

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Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem

 

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Lady Golfers

Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says: 'He's not even a member of this club.'

 

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Little Billy

A Little Boy Goes To The Bathroom. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up.

The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 15 Seconds Or So, He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of His Head With His Right Hand.

His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right? You've Been In Here For A While."

Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy. I Just Haven't Gone Potty' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes, But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."

 

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Five Pigs

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" He replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so the farmer hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and the farmers tried mating the pigs again. The following morning, the sows were back in the mud so the farmers proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The following morning, he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

 

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Cold winter morning in Buffalo

On a bitterly cold winter morning in Buffalo...

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Buffalo were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do, which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

 

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A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.


Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.


'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.


'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.


'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?'


'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.


'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'


A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.


'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'


'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'


'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'


'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'


'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'


The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'


Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'


'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'


‘Well,’ says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

 

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I almost became a doctor

When I was young, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us was to rearrange the letters PNESI into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

 

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• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years , but he will kill any man who does..

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink . Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk..!!

• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question , he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the Scots can understand them !

• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery . The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor..!!

• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning . I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home !!

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital . "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs..?!?!

 

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A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day.
Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.
Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 

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Let’s get married

Little Ryan and Candice are only 10 years old but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ryan goes to Candice's father to ask him for her hand.
Ryan bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Candice are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ryan, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it Ryan replies, "In Candice's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Candice."
Again, Ryan instantly replies, "Our allowance - Candice makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Ryan has put so much thought into this.
"Well Ryan, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Ryan just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

 

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New Pepsi

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed
by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old
fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

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The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class and asked, “When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it's your hands.”

The nun asked, “Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer,” the nun said.

Quickly, Little Johnny raised his hand.

With some hesitation the nun said, “yes Johnny what do you think?”

Johnny said, “Sister, I think it's your feet.”

The nun looked at him with fear on her face and asked, “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”

Little Johnny said,

“Well, the other night I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was said, 'Oh God, I'm coming'.

I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.”

 

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Never ask a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk behind me in line watched.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk slurred, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since indeed I had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I asked, 'Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk slowly replied, 'Cause you're ugly..

 

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Riddle for seniors

Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

Think logically before you scroll down for the answer
















Quietly get off the merry-go-round
and go home!

 

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Trust your husband

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...



For example...

A wife comes home early from a trip late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your Parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.


Did you say "hello"?

 

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Over 70

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,
"You're kind of cute you gotta phone number?" I said,
"Yea you gotta pen?" She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
Cost me 6 stitches

When you are over seventy . . . who gives a shit

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Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are over seventy, who gives a shit

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over seventy, who gives a shit

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over seventy, who gives a shit

____________________________________________


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy, who gives a shit

_____________________________________________


I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
_____________________________________________

 

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Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name

The Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name:



Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping
"Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as
"The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor
leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating and graft, and is not a fitting
role-model for young fans of football.

 

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Elk Sex

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 5 to 10 times a day?"

"Aww, shit!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

 

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Little Johnny Is Back

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

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Jewish tie salesman

Jewish tie salesman ...

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert, when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish
man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your
ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . .
I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you
hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over
that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find the restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold
water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie...”

 

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A group of women at a seminar

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.Below are hilarious 12 replies.

If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?!

 

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Do I need sensitivity training???

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

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Great Truths

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B..C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session..
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop