I need advice on divorcing my wife.

[IrishWolfhound]

Not the legal kind. I pay someone $200 an hour for that.

This is my first (and hopefully my last) divorce. We have been together 29 years, married for 24 of those. I'm not doing this on a whim.

Now I have a package of papers in front of me. I have to serve this woman who has stood next to me all these years with a legal document that says I want to leave her.

It won't be a surprise. She knows I instructed counsel to file this last week. We have discussed this as a possibility since late last year. But she still holds out hope to reconcile.

What I want advice on, is the kindest way to treat her. I have assured her that she will not be financially abandoned. I have told my attorney to drag the process out over 9 months so she can finish her master's degree. And I have gone over they "why" questions over and over.

I don't love her, but I still care about her

But how do I learn to be divorced? And what should I be doing to make this as easy as I can for her?

Example: yesterday she walked in on a phone conversation between myself and a friend from Lit. A very dear friend. I suddenly became uncomfortable, despite the fact I have told her I will date during the divorce process. I know she must get used to other people entering my life, but I don't want to hurt her any more than I already am.

Any advice, from both sides of the divorce fence, would be appreciated.

 

[MissTaken]

It is, at best, a difficult situation. My first and best advice to ensure that all discussion concerning finances take place between attorneys. In my experience, feelings run hottest when talking about money, especially in a situation wherein the couple has been married a long time.

Be tender, but not too much so. Being considerate of her feelings is a definite strength as evidence by your post. If you become too considerate of her feelings, you may mislead her. Be cautious.

However, at some point, you will both evolve to a point in which your relationship changes...you may be friends or you may relate on strictly functional terms. The most difficult time is when you are newly separated, having to deal with emotional, financial and legal issues. Pecking away at things one at a time, slowly makes the situation more acceptable and livable.

As with any relationship....honesty, communication and openess are key.

 

[sunstruck]

Sorry to hear you couldnt' work things out. Are you still living together? It sounds like you are and well...that might be a first step.
As for making it easy on her.....you can't. Her heart's broken. Only time and distance can heal that. But if you are going to keep living with her for whatever reason, try not to talk to other women when she's home. That just sounds.....cruel, and you don't seem like a cruel person.
Good luck.

 

[Zamdrist]

Any advice, from both sides of the divorce fence, would be appreciated.

Well, I've been divorced once myself, and I don't have any advice to give to you from that experience.

However, when I seperated from my SO of 4 years, this is how it worked.

She had always asked me to tell her to her face if I was gonna leave. In turn I asked her that we remain friendly towards one another. I didn't want the hate and pain that comes with seperation.

This worked famously for us, but I'm sure it won't work in all cases. If you can pull it off, remain friends, you both will have to deal with a lot less guilt and pain.

Are their kids involved? I imagine they are grown now though...

Good luck!

 

[Hamletmaschine]

There is nothing you can do make it hurt less. They are her feelings, and she is entitled to be as hurt by this as she likes.

You can avoid pouring salt in the wounds, however, by simply empathizing with her and treating her as you would wish to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. No guarantees, of course, but that's a place to start.

As for learning to be divorced, that will take time. You won't be divorced legally for some time yet, and you're not used to thinking and acting only for yourself, I'm guessing. But, as MissT said, you keep fumbling around at it and eventually you get the hang of it.

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Thanks, everyone.

Yes we are still living together, to avoid depleting the assets.

And that walk-in was not planned. She got home early from work.

And thankfully, no kids. Just 3 dogs & three elderly cats. That will be tough enough.

 

[IrishWolfhound]

All good advice, so far.

Another long night last night. Started out with arguments, then quiet but painful talking. Sadness as she begins to realize that I will not be reconciling with her and that a new phase of my life is beginning, without her.

I'm trying to get her to focus on moving on with her life, instead of analyzing and re-hashing what went wrong in the past with ours.

Suggestions?

 

[juicylips]

I'm trying to get her to focus on moving on with her life, instead of analyzing and re-hashing what went wrong in the past with ours.

Suggestions?

You want her to be in the same emotional place you are at the moment and from what you have posted that is impossible for her right now. If she is still holding onto the hopes of reconciliation, she isn't looking to the future, she wants what you use to have.

Give her time.

JL

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Thanks Juicy.

You are right... both of us have to learn that emotionally we are in different place now.

 

[Debbie]

Thanks, everyone.

Yes we are still living together, to avoid depleting the assets.

And that walk-in was not planned. She got home early from work.

And thankfully, no kids. Just 3 dogs & three elderly cats. That will be tough enough.

Not knowing or understanding all that is going on, giving any advice can be hard.
When you say depleting assets? I don't get it. To me, a clean break and not living in the same place makes more sense.
Maybe things are very different since I live in New Zealand.
When I was in the process of divorcing my ex hubby we lived in different places, which helped a lot. We had our own space and privacy. We rarely bumped into each other and the healing process was easier. I could not imagine trying to get on with my life while my ex spouse was still living in the same place as me.


Suggestions? Emotionally it would be too hard to see you everyday. Sharing the same house, surroundings, your personal effects etc. Bugger financially, emotionally this would be cruel. I, would move into a friends or relative's house rather than stay in the 'domestic' home.

Good luck to you and your ex. This is a hard thing to do.

 

[kotori]

I'd say you need to move out, Cuchulain. The reality will set in, for both of you. Right now, you're heads and hearts are in different places, but you're bodies are in the same, old place. It's your move, mó chara.

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Again, thanks all for the advice. We may well end up in different places, but we need to liquidate some assets first. We are curreently a one income house & cannot afford a mortgage plus rent. In the mean time, its a big old house & I'm trying to create my own "space" within it. Not the best solution, but the best we can do.

 

[Dhalgren]

My advice…

I’m not sure dating other people while trying to separate yourself from a woman you spent almost three decades with..is a kind thing to have her witness...mistake or not.

Yes she will get home early once in a while…and so on.

In a kind manner, you need to separate yourself from her as an individual before she sees you “replacing” her..as it were.

Hard enough to accept that you don’t love her anymore..but to see you show “love” towards another in your once shared home…might cause her unnecessary harm.

Could you not have these conversations in your home..or just take extra steps to make sure she isn’t getting the added on feeling that you are leaving her “for” somebody else?

She needs to separate her heart from you..yes. But there are ways to keep pain from turning into simmering, resentful anger, you know?

Good luck...

 

[IrishWolfhound]

And the fun continues.

Last night was time to tell my parents, who are very close to my wife. We actually tried twice before, but both wimped out.

It didn't go as badly as I had feared. They are...disappointed? I am the "good son" who is not supposed to do these things. (It amazes me that at almost 45 I still seek their approval. I recall a line from the show "Mad About You": "Why is it my parents can still push all my buttons? That's simple, they installed them.")

And today? Well today I think I'll have a piece of jewelry cut off my left ring finger. One that's been there for 24 years without ever coming off. I refused to, even when I had surgery on that arm.

Anyone care to come along and hold my right hand while it's done? I warn you, I might end up squeezing pretty hard when it happens.

 

[perks]

I can't begin to know what your feelings are, but let me give you a little advice anyway.


No matter how much you're behind your choice, the changes that you will experience are going to be huge. You're going to experience loss, so take very good care of yourself during this time, Mick. Be gentle.

I'd hold your hand today, if I could.

perks

 

[IrishWolfhound]

I'd hold your hand today, if I could.

perks

Thanks, sweet friend. I guess the Road to Hell & High adventure ain't just a thread on the BB. And I'll feel your gentle hand there, even though you are half a continent away.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[IrishWolfhound]

I dont think now is the right time to be dateing. It only makes things worse.

A one income household, yet shes the one working? Are you using her?
Sorry to sound so Brass, but I thnk something here stinks

You can put your brass knuckles away my friend. OK, it's a one & a sixth income house. My one, her sixth. She is a full-time student with a part-time job.

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Again, not trying to be rude by any means, but I just dont understand it. I myself have been through a divorice, I left him. I didnt date until I was well out of the house, and even that hurt him.
You really need to seperate. People with assets do it all the time. FOR HER SAKE.

And who the hell said I was dating? I was talking to a dear friend on the phone, not setting up a date half way across the country.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Re: Re: I need advice on divorcing my wife.

All I did was offer the advice you asked for

*Bowing in acknowledgement*

My apologies. You are correct.

I am over-sensitive after a rough weekend. If I don't want to hear the answers, I shouldn't ask the questions.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: I need advice on divorcing my wife.

 

[IrishWolfhound]

As noted, I was overly sensitive. Again my apologies. You were not rude, I was. Thank you for your advice.