How do you help someone get over being abused

Submissiveness and abuse

It's kind of like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"......are we born submissive or do we become that way because of the abuse, both physical and mental :confused:

As I said in my previous post, I've always had a submissive side......very shy, always being the "good girl", doing what was expected of me.....I had fantasies as a child, of being tied up and tortured/teased with pleasure/pain, even before I knew anything about sexual pleasure, I just knew it felt good. I didn't know what I was, I thought it was crazy......

I married an emotional bully, he never hit me (though he did rape me, once, when he was drunk). He controlled me with his disapproval, made me feel guilty if I tried to say no.....so, wanting to please, I'd give in......and it felt wrong,.....:( Coupled with self-esteem issues and a severe lack of confidence, it was enough to keep me there for the sake of the kids, for over 20 years. After I got up the courage to leave (a little over 2 years ago) I've found the real me, at 45 years old.....better late than never I guess!

It's a little over 18 months ago that I talked to a submissive friend, and then started doing some serious reading on the subject. When I met Gil, online at first, he told me he enjoyed Master/sub games.....and since we've been together we've been exploring little by little, taking things slow.....and the pieces have been coming together.....kind of like an epiphany. Yesterday, when I had my first real spanking, I knew I could have stopped it at any time......which gave me the courage to go that little bit further. Afterwards, lots of cuddling and petting and kissing.......I know I'm loved, and that's the difference :heart:
 
Re: Submissiveness and abuse

Originally posted by Bandit58
It's kind of like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"......are we born submissive or do we become that way because of the abuse, both physical and mental :confused:

In reference to your question or query: "are we born submissive or do we become that way because of the abuse, both physical and mental :confused: " I believe it's both. I believe I was born submissive and was led to believe a woman's role in life is to be submissive to her husband/man. But as many years went by I opened my eyes, heart and soul and I realized how wrongly I was taught or led to believe. Perhaps in the days when my mother grew up it may have been the norm but I believe it is not so in today's world.

As a child going to Catholic school and growing up in an old fashioned Spanish/Filipino/Asian household I experienced punishment in a variety of ways. Imagine being placed in a large burlap bag which was tied onto the shower rod and left hanging in there for hours while receiving whacks with whatever my mom could find. Or being punsihed with paddles, rulers (wooden and metal), kneeling on uncookef rice for a period of time and other implements of choice used in Catholic schools back then. In fact one nun had a cat-o-nine tail that she used on our bare bottoms (sometimes she'd do it in front of the class). The punishments were embarrasing at times but there were moments when something inside of me stirred and I could not understand why? :confused:

Was my ex related to your bully? Sure sounds like it. In the beginning of my marriage it was all bliss but then as time went by (six months later as a matter of fact) he couldn't keep his pants zipped. I had begun my 17 year journey through physical, emotional and mental abuse. My ex raped me whenever he was drunk or stoned (which I had lost count) and like you I was made to feel guilty if I said no and would pay the price dearly. With that I became very, very submissive (he wanted a wife that would cater to his every need and when I look back it seemed what he wanted was an obedient dog as a wife if you know what I mean). I was in mental anguish and tried 2 times to take my life but intervention (a cop who was a friend) stopped me. Yet my ex was not reprimanded for his abuse on me (even when I reported him to the police and military authorities); their thinking was "it's the woman's fault". :confused: :mad:

It took me 17 years to finally wake up and realize I needed to end the relationship. I had reached the pinnacle of my wits and cared not if he retaliated or worse (he had threatened me a number of times). Anyway while going through my divorce I was introduced to someone and I've been with him for 5 years (6/27 makes it exactly 5 years).

I discovered my SO is into D/s and we have shared many moments/times discovering, enjoying, learning and growing closer with this lifestyle and its variety. I enjoy a good spanking, being restrained (handcuffs, leg cuffs, silk ties, rope and well you get the picture :devil: ) and other fetishes and my SO and I gladly indulge ourselves whenever possible (because of my medical condition we are limited). Like you Bandit, in the end we enjoy lots of passionate kissing, petting, cuddling and more.

I have found my match, my equal, my teacher, my student and we are very happy...something I truly believed was not possible and was (happily) proven wrong,:D
 
I am still looking to find the right dom for me,but at times I get afraid be taken advantage of...once again. How does a submissive find the right one? I am still trying to find the answers...to many questions that remain unanswers:)
 
Re: couldn't help but join

imarrja said:
Before I begin--a bit about me. I was sexually abused at age 8 by a babysitter and molested by my father from the time I was 11 or 12 until I was nearly 16. My mother and extended family reacted very badly to my going to the authorities, so in addition to the incest I was also subjected to ostracism as well as verbal and emotional abuse.

I then entered a "mutually aggressive" relationship at age 17 that lasted 14½ yrs and produced 2 children. So, although we've been divorced for 4½ years, the relationship isn't truly "over" and won't ever be, because of the kids.

As a result of the circumstances, I have PTSD---post-traumatic stress disorder--which swings into depression if I'm unduly stressed. To top that off, I have to take meds for it (currently about $300USD/mo), probably for the rest of my life. As if that weren't enough, because of my predisposition to depression, I also have SAD (how ironic)--seasonal affective disorder--which means the switch to daylight savings time and dark winter months are really bad for me.

The reason that those of us who were abused as children tend to wind up with abusive, manipulative, controlling a-holes of people (which, as I understand it, is nowhere near the same thing as being a submissive in a Dom/sub relationship) is that we were taught early on that certain patterns were normal, so we sought relationships that fit that pattern. Whether those patterns were healthy and good for us didn't enter into the equation. From the cradle, we had been wired for survival in very harsh emotional environments and were utterly unequipped to function in any other. We did what any critter would do to survive--we sought out the familiar.

Then a chain of events occurred that began to completely undo our carefully crafted survival plans. Something clicked and we realized that there is a difference between surviving and living. At some time, we realized we were surviving rather than living. Something else clicked and we realized that we want and deserve to live. Somewhere inside us a bell went off and we realized that if we didn't get out of there, we wouldn't even survive, let alone live. So now, here we are, stuck in "no man's land" and having to learn a whole new way of being. No wonder it's so freaking difficult, not to mention terrifying.

While attemtping to navigate the terrain of "no man's land", here's what I've come to realize:

1. I'll never "get over it". Because I am still growing as a person (may I never stop!), my perspective will change and I'll react differently, but I'll always have to deal with it to some degree or another.

2. I have the right to be angry about what happened to me as a child. Part of the "changing perspective" mentioned above means that anger which I thought I had "under control" is going to resurface at odd times, or a new rage will be triggered by things I never dreamed would make me angry. When I get angry, I have the responsibility to not hurt myself or others, and to seek help if I need it.

3. Because of the emotionally unhealthy environment I was raised in, I made really bad decisions as a young adult. Even so, they were decisions and I am responsible for my part in them. (At first, this really pissed me off. Then I realized that the concept liberates and empowers me, and absolutely does NOT make me responsible for someone else's bad behavior.)

4. I need to forgive myself for the bad choices I made and move on.

5. Setting boundaries is crucial. I have to limit my contact with certain people. Certain topics are not up for discussion or debate. There are jokes that just ain't never gonna be funny to me, and that doesn't make me a prude. Some people I just have to "blow off". (Be forewarned: setting boundaries changes the power structure of the relationship and the other party/parties will not like it. Things tend to escalate, so you may need to do what it takes to ensure your safety, emotionally and physically.)

For friends and loved ones watching people deal with this, go with your gut. To a certain degree, all you can do is be there. Don't be afraid to obtain/suggest professional help, but make sure it's qualified, experienced help. Bad therapists cost a lot more than $$$. :rose:

On 2 separate notes--
-I notice many of you are Aussies. I'm not, but my husband is ;)
-Gil, here's a Q you can throw at the Dom/sub crowd the next time they give you agro: who has the safe word, the Dom or the sub? Therefore, who *really* has the power in a Dom/sub relationship? As long as your sub is pleased with you--which she obviously is--then I'd say you're doing your job as a Dom & the folks giving you agro can go to buggery.

Sorry again for the time it's taken me to reply to your post.
It seems that life is slowly getting better for you even though the past still haunts you from time to time when triggers are set off but it is a long journey, be assured that it will be worth it.

I have only had contact with one lady who had been abused & that is my lady now BANDIT:heart: although all the others I've had MASTER/sub play with have been free of abuse & just had the desire to be or try the sub life, ALL were given & reminded of the safe words before,during & after we played, the play itself ranged from spanking,bondage (cuffs,rope,scarves etc),toys &
orgasm denial), all these ladies enjoyed their playtime & even wanted me to take on a friend to train to serve MASTER...all these ladies i had feelings for but the magic of love wasn't there till BANDIT:heart: when even our straight sex reached new heights.

for any type of relationship to workout lots of talking,honesty, care & above all else RESPECT.
 
CreativeSubmissions said:
I am still looking to find the right dom for me,but at times I get afraid be taken advantage of...once again. How does a submissive find the right one? I am still trying to find the answers...to many questions that remain unanswers:)

You might try the adult personals & when contacted remember every detail they tell you & if you spot just one lie kick them to the kerb as if they have to lie then they ain't trustworthy & for any lady to be able to trust their MASTER he must be open & honest & as I stress in all relationships RESPECT you the lady will to give yourself to the MASTER, lots of talking so your desires are fully known to MASTER & the MASTER should also show you the same honesty.One good thing about the ADULT PERSONAL is you can lay down all that you require of a MASTER, likes,dislikes & definate NO-NO's & if any of these are broken end it, because you
have the DEMONS of abuse to control this is most important for your mental & physical well being.:rose:
 
Originally posted by CreativeSubmissions
Well I have joined some adult person sites,but its hard to find just the right one for me,lol

As with anything in life that we strive for , it takes time. It took me awhile to find someone who I was able to trust. As Gil said"
"to be able to trust their MASTER he must be open & honest & as I stress in all relationships RESPECT you the lady will to give yourself to the MASTER, lots of talking so your desires are fully known to MASTER & the MASTER should also show you the same honesty."

There have only been two people I was (am) able to trust as my Master and in both cases we were both open, honest and had a RESPECT for one another unlike I've had for most people I've encountered in my life. Communication, talking about both you and your Master's desires makes things a whole lot stronger in bond. When one takes on a Master the sub must show the respect and honesty to him as he should to you.

I hope that makes sense considering my medication is very strong and really, really affecting me. I think it's time I put my head down onto my pillow and sleep until my SO comes home and sweetily wakes me up. :p

Take care and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

shadow :devil:
 
Hey Guys
How is everyone doing? I am okay, but not great. My negative self talk has been taking over my life and making me feel like shit about myself. I have also been sabotaging a wonderful relationship with the man that I love. I keep pushing him away and hurting him in attempt to hurt myself. I feel like I dont deserve his love.

I will be going back to a place that has no real counselors and was wondering what I can do for myself to turn off the negative self talk . I was also wondering what I can do to change my mistaken beliefs about myself.

Thanks a lot

BE26
 
Just letting everyone know, Gil is in hospital with peritonitis and they are keeping him in for a few days.....I've just got home, he kept trying to send me home but I didn't want to leave him :( I am tired and a bit stressed but ok otherwise, will post an update when I know more......:(
 
Originally posted by Bandit58
Just letting everyone know, Gil is in hospital with peritonitis and they are keeping him in for a few days.....I've just got home, he kept trying to send me home but I didn't want to leave him :( I am tired and a bit stressed but ok otherwise, will post an update when I know more......:(

Wishing Gil a speedy recovery. Give him a big hug from me and tell him not to rush things.

It's not easy to leave your loved one when they're in the hospital and somehow I guess they don't want us sitting around (as they see it) or worrying.

Take it easy and get some rest. Here's a big HUGGGGG for you Bandit.

Aloha,
shadow :kiss: :rose: :heart:
 
even celebrities abuse people.... [url]http://www.tkmgirls.com/TkmGirls/jigga/jiggahittinggirl.gif[/url]
 
Bandit58 said:
Just letting everyone know, Gil is in hospital with peritonitis and they are keeping him in for a few days.....I've just got home, he kept trying to send me home but I didn't want to leave him :( I am tired and a bit stressed but ok otherwise, will post an update when I know more......:(

Hope he gets well soon.
BE26
 
BrownEyes26 said:
Hey Guys
How is everyone doing? I am okay, but not great. My negative self talk has been taking over my life and making me feel like shit about myself. I have also been sabotaging a wonderful relationship with the man that I love. I keep pushing him away and hurting him in attempt to hurt myself. I feel like I dont deserve his love.

I will be going back to a place that has no real counselors and was wondering what I can do for myself to turn off the negative self talk . I was also wondering what I can do to change my mistaken beliefs about myself.

Thanks a lot

BE26

Hi Brown Eyes . . . don't put up with negative self-talk. Instead, every time you catch yourself being negaitve, tell yourself something positive.

Make a list of positive things like

1. I am a loving and capable person.

2. I am prepared to work for what I want.

3. I deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship.

and so on. Generally a list of about a dozen is enough. Don't forget to list your many positive achievements, no matter how small they seem, because they are all important. In a really bad attack of the negatives, write out your list until your mind-talk says that "I am a loving and capable person".

And it is obvious that you are a "loving and capable person" because the people on Gil's thread take the time to communicate with you. :)
 
Hi everyone.....Gil is doing ok, I'm going to see him later and then off to work.....no idea when he'll be home but if I know him he'll be wanting to get out of that hospital as soon as he can!

Browneyes.....even when he was so ill, that lovely man kept saying to me "I don't deserve you, you're too good for me". I told him to stop talking crap :D I love him, and he loves me, that's all that needs to be said as far as I'm concerned.

The number of times, before we met, that we avoided telling each other our true feelings.....:rolleyes: Both of us had been hurt, our stories are on this very thread. I remember feeling afraid, I thought to myself what if I'm jumping the gun, what if he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him......:confused: His health problems were another complication.......he didn't want me to have any regrets about being with him. LOL when I visited him the first time, he had 5 hypos (low blood sugars) in about 4 days, one of which I had to call the ambulance for.....talk about being thrown in at the deep end! :D

I have absolutely NO regrets at all....I've never felt so loved, and to be able to return that love is one of the greatest joys I've ever known. When he gets out of hospital he'll read this, and I never want to hear him say he doesn't deserve me, ever again :heart:
 
Bandit, its sounds like you and Gil deserve each other, and luckily you found each other and are able to be together.

Please tell him I am thinking good thoughts and hoping for a speedy recovery.

Don't wear yourself out to much while he is in the hospital, you don't want to make yourself ill.

Noor
 
Bandit, know that both of you are in my prayers. Well wishes and a speedy recovery to him and many years together for the both of you.
 
Don K Dyck said:
Hi Brown Eyes . . . don't put up with negative self-talk. Instead, every time you catch yourself being negaitve, tell yourself something positive.

Make a list of positive things like

1. I am a loving and capable person.

2. I am prepared to work for what I want.

3. I deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship.

and so on. Generally a list of about a dozen is enough. Don't forget to list your many positive achievements, no matter how small they seem, because they are all important. In a really bad attack of the negatives, write out your list until your mind-talk says that "I am a loving and capable person".

And it is obvious that you are a "loving and capable person" because the people on Gil's thread take the time to communicate with you. :)

Thanks Don

I have been trying to turn that self talk around, it is slow work though! I appreciate your advice.

And Bandit, thanke for your reply! Tell Gil that I wish him a speedy recovery. You two deserve each other, you are great together. Thanks for keeping this thread going.

:) BE26
 
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Hi, its taken several sessions over the last three days to go through this thread, all 59 pages of it. Nobody could possibly read it all in one sitting, it would be incredibly draining to do so.

I am left with a whole range of emotions, which for the sake of brevity, I dont think I should go into too deeply, but some of them are: Shame, anger, horror, contempt and pride....

Let me explain that last one, cos it does seem a little out of place. I am proud to be associated with Lit, where men and women of good intent and incredible character have bonded together in such an incredible way.

My wife and I are currently helping a friend with issues relating to her sexual abuse as a child, (at ages 8 and again at 12) and this thread in particular has given me some interesting insights, and sources of information online. (I know for sure I dont want to be steering her in the wrong direction).

To those who are helping, I commend you. Your efforts are incredible and this world is a much better place because of you. I wish there were thousands (heck millions) more like you the world over.

To those who have told their stories, I salute you. The courage you have shown in facing your own personal demons is immense. The inner strength which you have all displayed throughout is incredible. I hope your strength continues to grow and the demons continue to fade.



:rose: for everyone !
 
Hello Everyone:rose:

It has been way too long since I posted on this thread......Yet I still read everyone's replies....Being abuse does take a long time to move on, and still just when your moving on.....something happens to bring it all back, life is funny, yet it is always a learning experience, many roads to travel down...Some better then others...I am thankful for everyone in this thread who has giving me so much hope, with their kind caring words....For that I could never thank you all enough, and will hold each and everyone of you, so close to my heart....:heart:

Bandit......Please give Gil my best, I wish him well:rose: and hope he is home with you soon:rose: :kiss:
 
Bumping the thread with the news that Gil will hopefully be home tomorrow - fingers crossed :D He is so frustrated with being in there, and it's not like he doesn't have anyone to look after him ;) I can't wait to have him back here with me, we have both missed the cuddles sooooo much......:heart:
 
Bandit58 said:
Bumping the thread with the news that Gil will hopefully be home tomorrow - fingers crossed :D He is so frustrated with being in there, and it's not like he doesn't have anyone to look after him ;) I can't wait to have him back here with me, we have both missed the cuddles sooooo much......:heart:


Great news, I have crossed my toes too!

Noor
 
I am with Noor on this one...Hoping for his return tomorrow Bandit and keeping you both in my prayers.
 
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