How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Another bump to keep this thread where it can be seen if it's needed.

 

[Monazwx]

Another bump........

Hi S-D, Noor, Mona, BE glad to see you post here & hope life is treating as it should.

Hey Gil,

Life is just going right now. Not too bad, but not too great either. I'm working and that consumes most of my used-to-be Lit. time, but it's okay.

Personally, I decided to put all (most of my feelings) on paper, kindna like blogging without the audience. Things about my past that I didn't even think I remembered started pouring out and now I'm struggling about how to deal. Looking back and putting the pieces together, people who I thought were my friends were only using me (I saw one the other day and was very surprised). It's not a serious abuse issue or anything, but I still feel hurt and betrayed. I'm hoping that time will heal all wounds with this one, because I'm not sure how to start getting over it.

Anyway , mini-rant over.

How's things with you? I just don't have the strength to re-read the thread right now, even though I should. I hope that everyone here is still on the mend.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Mona
Hey Gil,

Personally, I decided to put all (most of my feelings) on paper, kindna like blogging without the audience. Things about my past that I didn't even think I remembered started pouring out and now I'm struggling about how to deal. Looking back and putting the pieces together, people who I thought were my friends were only using me (I saw one the other day and was very surprised). It's not a serious abuse issue or anything, but I still feel hurt and betrayed. I'm hoping that time will heal all wounds with this one, because I'm not sure how to start getting over it.

People who use others don't have "true friends" much less have many friends. You will occasionally come across those who have betrayed or hurt you but hold steadfast and strong and (as I believe) remember YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN HE/SHE IS AND THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP OR TIME.

I felt very betrayed and hurt that I really felt violated and never thought I'd be able to chase those demons away or at least deal with them but I did. Healing the hurt and betrayal takes time. I don't know if this will help you but one thing I learned that really helped me start healing was learning to trust again. Don't get me wrong my defensive guard still arises now and again whenever a situation, type of person or something happens...I feel this is natural for ppl like us who have suffered varied degrees of abuse, hurt and betrayal.

Learning to trust again to some degree was a hurdle I had difficulty climbing over especially when I got involved with my (current) SO while going through my divorce. Over time I found myself slowly learning I can trust someone. Although I can honestly say I find it difficult to totally trust a person but for those that I do I trust I trust only to some degree until they prove themselves or show they do not deserve my trust. Sounds pretty defensive but it's kept me sane, lol.

Okay, okay it's time for me to get off of my soap box and turn it over to others. Writing things down helps, it helped me and I work(ed) on them one at a time. You may be surprised how they connect together and help you discover what needs attending to.

Take care and we're here for you if you want to vent, talk and chat. We've all felt the way you do in some way or other because of the abuse we suffered mentally, emotionally and physically.

Aloha

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Morning again everyone,

Wanted to bump up the thread and say hello from showery Oahu, Hawaii.

FYI - after 7/15 I won't be around for awhile...will be going under the knife for the 2nd time this year. Hopefully this time it will alleviate some or most of my medical problems. I know it will never go away

So until then I'll try to lurk around in the shadows and check in and read the posts.

"Ah, a sign of aging I must accept
'tho the pains I feel I wish I could forget." - shadow

 

[Gil_T2]

Morning again everyone,

Wanted to bump up the thread and say hello from showery Oahu, Hawaii.

FYI - after 7/15 I won't be around for awhile...will be going under the knife for the 2nd time this year. Hopefully this time it will alleviate some or most of my medical problems. I know it will never go away

So until then I'll try to lurk around in the shadows and check in and read the posts.

"Ah, a sign of aging I must accept
'tho the pains I feel I wish I could forget." - shadow

SD be sure that you will be in our thoughts as you again go under the knife & know your SO will be there to love & care for you as you recover, I hope it is the fixer so your able to get on with life with all the desire you have.

{{{{{{{{{{{{SHADOW_DREAMER}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[shadow_dreamer]

(me on the beach doing the hula, lol)

Thank you Gil (& Bandit of course). I'm lookiing forward to getting better hopes the knife can ease the pain and burning sensation in my legs and feet.

My SO is trying to do something with his work schedule so he can take me to the hospital in the morning as well as be there while I'm in surgery. He appears so calm but my sisters have told me in the past he kept checking with the nurses almost every 10 to 15 minutes. That shows he's very caring (although irritating to the nurses). I feel for him - I'm turning his hair and beard grey.

Time to make my SO's lunch (he has to work this afternoon ) then see him off to work and hopefully try and take a much needed rest. Until later, aloha everyone.

 

[Gil_T2]

(me on the beach doing the hula, lol)

Thank you Gil (& Bandit of course). I'm lookiing forward to getting better hopes the knife can ease the pain and burning sensation in my legs and feet.

My SO is trying to do something with his work schedule so he can take me to the hospital in the morning as well as be there while I'm in surgery. He appears so calm but my sisters have told me in the past he kept checking with the nurses almost every 10 to 15 minutes. That shows he's very caring (although irritating to the nurses). I feel for him - I'm turning his hair and beard grey.

Time to make my SO's lunch (he has to work this afternoon , then see him off to work and hopefully try and take a much needed rest. Until later, aloha everyone.

!!!!!!!!!
(me on the beach doing the hula, lol)
Wow now that is something i'd like to see the pics of

Had to laugh of your bit about your SO ringing the nurses as I've known several nurses over the years & they hate it when they have to leave what they were doing to answer calls from family of patients, the up side is it's nice to know that someone does care.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
!!!!!!!!!
(me on the beach doing the hula, lol)
Wow now that is something i'd like to see the pics of

Had to laugh of your bit about your SO ringing the nurses as I've known several nurses over the years & they hate it when they have to leave what they were doing to answer calls from family of patients, the up side is it's nice to know that someone does care.

Sorry Gil but that's as close as anyone can see me wiggle this broken down back much less my butt around to do the hula, lol. Although the SO says I do have my "wiggle" back when I walk (that's on a good day )

Yes it's good to know I have someone and many others who do care.

Aloha from showery Hawaii

 

[Gil_T2]

Sorry Gil but that's as close as anyone can see me wiggle this broken down back much less my butt around to do the hula, lol. Although the SO says I do have my "wiggle" back when I walk (that's on a good day )

Yes it's good to know I have someone and many others who do care.

Aloha from showery Hawaii

ALOHA S_D had to giggle at the bit about your SO noticing your wiggle being back on good days as a ladies walk is a very watchable thing (well it is for me) & I'm sure it is a sight to be seen.

We will be thinking of you on the 17th (hope my meds haven't wrecked my memory to much) & hoping it will be the one to have you feeling as normal as possible & the pain is at a minimum if not gone.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Mahalo (thank you) Gil.

Where is everyone? Are they all on vacation somewhere exotic and exciting?

Need to bumpety, bump and thumpity, thump the thread

Aloha

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Question: Why do some people who were abused find themselves watching movies about abusive relationships?

I found myself drawn into watching a movie yesterday and could feel the confusion, pain and anger of the main character. And as usual, whenever I hear or see something abusive, I become withdrawn, quiet and at times end up with a bad dream.

Is it because I am unconsciously reminding ( or trying to) myself of what I walked away from and still have some fears of repercussion from my ex?
Or am I looking back at my past and perhaps making me see/realize that I have a wonderful life now with my SO?
Or is it a combination?

 

[Gil_T2]

Question: Why do some people who were abused find themselves watching movies about abusive relationships?

I found myself drawn into watching a movie yesterday and could feel the confusion, pain and anger of the main character. And as usual, whenever I hear or see something abusive, I become withdrawn, quiet and at times end up with a bad dream.

Is it because I am unconsciously reminding ( or trying to) myself of what I walked away from and still have some fears of repercussion from my ex?
Or am I looking back at my past and perhaps making me see/realize that I have a wonderful life now with my SO?
Or is it a combination?

S_D I truely hope it's the "THE WONDERFUL LIFE NOW WITH YOUR SO rater than memories, I know memories do keep comming back & several of the survivers have commented on little things that stir these bad thoughts up but with time they will keep fading.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Question: Why do some people who were abused find themselves watching movies about abusive relationships?

I found myself drawn into watching a movie yesterday and could feel the confusion, pain and anger of the main character. And as usual, whenever I hear or see something abusive, I become withdrawn, quiet and at times end up with a bad dream.

Is it because I am unconsciously reminding ( or trying to) myself of what I walked away from and still have some fears of repercussion from my ex?
Or am I looking back at my past and perhaps making me see/realize that I have a wonderful life now with my SO?
Or is it a combination?

Hi SD, probably a bit of both. We tend to seek an understanding of what has happened to us, from any available information. Frequently this is TV or movies with a biographical thread. We see the characters making the same decisions in the same circumstances as ourselves in life. When the bad things happen to the characters this came bring back painful memories. When the characters have the same situation and handle it for a different, better result, then we sometimes (unfairly) castigate ourselves for our former fallibility. Either way we gain a better understanding of our own situation and usually are better able to make better decisions about ourselves in the future.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
S_D I truely hope it's the "THE WONDERFUL LIFE NOW WITH YOUR SO rater than memories, I know memories do keep comming back & several of the survivers have commented on little things that stir these bad thoughts up but with time they will keep fading.

thank you again Gil and you're right about things that stir bad thoughts but it confuses me because i keep asking myself "why do i put myself through this, watching things like this knowing it can affect me"? i don't seek out these movies and such but find myself drawn to them as if i need re-affirmation of my decision in life or perhaps show myself how good of a life/relationship i have now.

i wonder if there are others when they have moments when they question "what would life be like if i didn't get out of the abusive relationship or gave him/her another chance and help them seek the help the badly need?

ah you are right the bad memories have faded but not vanished. i doubt they ever will but i've grown to learn to not let it run/ruin my life and future. they may subside but never disappear completely.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Don K Dyck
Hi SD, probably a bit of both. We tend to seek an understanding of what has happened to us, from any available information. Frequently this is TV or movies with a biographical thread. We see the characters making the same decisions in the same circumstances as ourselves in life. When the bad things happen to the characters this came bring back painful memories. When the characters have the same situation and handle it for a different, better result, then we sometimes (unfairly) castigate ourselves for our former fallibility. Either way we gain a better understanding of our own situation and usually are better able to make better decisions about ourselves in the future.

How every true it is. I do find myself re-affirming my decision(s) concerning my ending the abusive relationship and use what I've learned to make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes or let the same things happen no matter how minute it may be.

This may not have anything to do with what the things I watch on TV (especially those that deal with abuse) but I did a lot of soul searching and discovered how my Catholic school education and "STRICT" Spanish/Filipino upbringing made me the person who I am (submissive), wanting to please/satisfy my other half and others, putting them before my own needs and end up being unhappy. This I feel was part of the problem for my past relationship(s). Putting everyone's needs and demands before my own and sacrificing my own happiness, sanity and way of life.

I have changed in many ways and no longer let others needs, wants, or demands come before my own happiness. BUT every now and again my submissive side tries to or does take over; I rarely give in but when I do it is either because I'm too tired to discuss or tell the person why I do not want to do what they ask or give them what they want or demand. Or I just feel it's best I do give in and get it over with.

It's a long, long road to heal but with each step the pain subsides and life becomes easier to live.

You have a way with words Don and I'm very appreciative of you, Gil and everyone I've gotten to know here. Thank you all. Here we the abused stand together in one place without judgement passed down on us for our past actions and the choices we have made. We walk together in spirit, standing tall and proud and with a smile on our hearts.

 

[Bandit58]

I have been thinking about my own submissiveness and how it may have affected my life......was I born submissive or did it come into play later?? I suspect the former because I did find it hard to stand up for myself throughout my childhood and adolescence, and was picked on and bullied at school. I remember how hard I tried to keep the peace when I was married......I gave in and did what HE wanted, even if it meant me feeling like crap afterward....

Since I've recognised that I am a submissive, and have done so much reading on the subject, I realise that my submissiveness was misplaced.......my husband was and still is a bully and took advantage of me. Now, with Gil.......that same submissiveness is bringing me so much happiness I didn't realise who or what I was, and now I do......

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Bandit58
I have been thinking about my own submissiveness and how it may have affected my life......was I born submissive or did it come into play later?? I suspect the former because I did find it hard to stand up for myself throughout my childhood and adolescence, and was picked on and bullied at school. I remember how hard I tried to keep the peace when I was married......I gave in and did what HE wanted, even if it meant me feeling like crap afterward....

Since I've recognised that I am a submissive, and have done so much reading on the subject, I realise that my submissiveness was misplaced.......my husband was and still is a bully and took advantage of me. Now, with Gil.......that same submissiveness is bringing me so much happiness I didn't realise who or what I was, and now I do......

I can't believe how similar we are Bandit I was the same growing up and was led to believe "the wife has to obey the husband" crap and had to sacrifice my peace of mind and happiness despite how it made me feel. My ex is still a (what's the word I'm looking for?) jerk and is very demanding, dominating and a**hole as people put it although he claims he's changed. I guess he doesn't realize why he doesn't have very many friends (real friends) to spend time with.

Ah yes with my SO my submissivesness brings on pleasurable moments, most enjoyable and we're both very happy.

Sadly it takes time for us (the abused) to open our eyes and realize what needs to be done and what "true" happiness is all about. It took me 17 years to realize this and now I will soon be celebrating 5 years with my SO on the 27th. I never thought or imagined life to be like this, without fear and tears.

Hope you're job is going well and give a big hug to Gil for me and tell him to give you a big hug for me. Anything that happens after that is all up to the two of you

 

[Gil_T2]

I have been rubbished by the DOMS on the boards of LIT because they say I'm to soft on my subs but for me it's the game they enjoy that I like to please & not just the I'm MASTER crap, I have had several ladies of submission over the years & all have liked my style so for the LIT DOMS who think I'm soft well I have a lady who loves me & I love deeply who has found so much she has missed in the past with others.

As in any relationship OPEN, HONEST & UPFRONT on all things works for me & the number one thing is RESPECT.

 

[imarrja]

couldn't help but join

Before I begin--a bit about me. I was sexually abused at age 8 by a babysitter and molested by my father from the time I was 11 or 12 until I was nearly 16. My mother and extended family reacted very badly to my going to the authorities, so in addition to the incest I was also subjected to ostracism as well as verbal and emotional abuse.

I then entered a "mutually aggressive" relationship at age 17 that lasted 14½ yrs and produced 2 children. So, although we've been divorced for 4½ years, the relationship isn't truly "over" and won't ever be, because of the kids.

As a result of the circumstances, I have PTSD---post-traumatic stress disorder--which swings into depression if I'm unduly stressed. To top that off, I have to take meds for it (currently about $300USD/mo), probably for the rest of my life. As if that weren't enough, because of my predisposition to depression, I also have SAD (how ironic)--seasonal affective disorder--which means the switch to daylight savings time and dark winter months are really bad for me.

The reason that those of us who were abused as children tend to wind up with abusive, manipulative, controlling a-holes of people (which, as I understand it, is nowhere near the same thing as being a submissive in a Dom/sub relationship) is that we were taught early on that certain patterns were normal, so we sought relationships that fit that pattern. Whether those patterns were healthy and good for us didn't enter into the equation. From the cradle, we had been wired for survival in very harsh emotional environments and were utterly unequipped to function in any other. We did what any critter would do to survive--we sought out the familiar.

Then a chain of events occurred that began to completely undo our carefully crafted survival plans. Something clicked and we realized that there is a difference between surviving and living. At some time, we realized we were surviving rather than living. Something else clicked and we realized that we want and deserve to live. Somewhere inside us a bell went off and we realized that if we didn't get out of there, we wouldn't even survive, let alone live. So now, here we are, stuck in "no man's land" and having to learn a whole new way of being. No wonder it's so freaking difficult, not to mention terrifying.

While attemtping to navigate the terrain of "no man's land", here's what I've come to realize:

1. I'll never "get over it". Because I am still growing as a person (may I never stop!), my perspective will change and I'll react differently, but I'll always have to deal with it to some degree or another.

2. I have the right to be angry about what happened to me as a child. Part of the "changing perspective" mentioned above means that anger which I thought I had "under control" is going to resurface at odd times, or a new rage will be triggered by things I never dreamed would make me angry. When I get angry, I have the responsibility to not hurt myself or others, and to seek help if I need it.

3. Because of the emotionally unhealthy environment I was raised in, I made really bad decisions as a young adult. Even so, they were decisions and I am responsible for my part in them. (At first, this really pissed me off. Then I realized that the concept liberates and empowers me, and absolutely does NOT make me responsible for someone else's bad behavior.)

4. I need to forgive myself for the bad choices I made and move on.

5. Setting boundaries is crucial. I have to limit my contact with certain people. Certain topics are not up for discussion or debate. There are jokes that just ain't never gonna be funny to me, and that doesn't make me a prude. Some people I just have to "blow off". (Be forewarned: setting boundaries changes the power structure of the relationship and the other party/parties will not like it. Things tend to escalate, so you may need to do what it takes to ensure your safety, emotionally and physically.)

For friends and loved ones watching people deal with this, go with your gut. To a certain degree, all you can do is be there. Don't be afraid to obtain/suggest professional help, but make sure it's qualified, experienced help. Bad therapists cost a lot more than $$$.

On 2 separate notes--
-I notice many of you are Aussies. I'm not, but my husband is
-Gil, here's a Q you can throw at the Dom/sub crowd the next time they give you agro: who has the safe word, the Dom or the sub? Therefore, who *really* has the power in a Dom/sub relationship? As long as your sub is pleased with you--which she obviously is--then I'd say you're doing your job as a Dom & the folks giving you agro can go to buggery.

 

[CreativeSubmissions]

Its been awhile since I've been on this site since I've been trying to get my life back together..but a book I saw in the book store...that my best friend tells me she is going to get me...is called toxic parents...it was in the psychology area...lol

I wish I knew the author of the book so I could offer it,but if anyone sees a book like that one and they are still dealing with their past like me,then it may help you to know your not alone. Good luck!

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
I have been rubbished by the DOMS on the boards of LIT because they say I'm to soft on my subs but for me it's the game they enjoy that I like to please & not just the I'm MASTER crap, I have had several ladies of submission over the years & all have liked my style so for the LIT DOMS who think I'm soft well I have a lady who loves me & I love deeply who has found so much she has missed in the past with others.

As in any relationship OPEN, HONEST & UPFRONT on all things works for me & the number one thing is RESPECT.

I agree with your thinking Gil and to those LIT DOMS and what they think of you BULLCRAP! Sorry I had to get that off of my chest.

My SO has been categorized like you and have been described as "being sweet and caring" (in other words soft) with his subs - like that's a bad thing? What matters is the satisfaction of the Master and sub not the judgement of others who aren't involved! We all have our own "ways" so to speak and how we partake in our "roles" is no one esle's business (unless someone's safety is as risk)!!!!

The thing people should be concerned about is "safety" and not "how soft a Master is with his sub"!

Okay there I've said it, I've really gotten it off my chest. Whew that felt good, lol

I too have found a man who loves me very much and has/still shows me how much I've missed with others.

GO BANDIT!!!! GO GIL!!!!


Trust is the foundation of a good relationship as well as respect, being honest, open and good communication.

 

[CreativeSubmissions]

Honestly with me, the idea of feeling safe with a dom or Master means the most to me...maybe because I am a romantic and I know what its like to be within pain. I don't understand why people...yearn for pain emotionally....

 

[CreativeSubmissions]

A few weeks ago I spoke of how I had to attend the party where the guy who raped me was around. My best friend came down for the weekend,at first it was so I wouldn't be scared around the guy...but the few days before she showed up...he kept calling her...saying he was looking forward to seeing her,but I knew what was on his mind.

It went fine at the party...all we both did was say one word to one another which was of course hello. But being new to my area,my mother wanted me to go to this organization where he was at...I told her I wasn't going to attend if he was there. I don't know what to do...whenever I see him I am afraid that something will happen with me or someone I care about,but I am keeping my space from him. I know that I should meet people since I am trying to get my life together...but I don't know if I am wrong or if my family is...since I am trying to protect myself....but I don't want to be put in the situation again. It confuses me.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by CreativeSubmissions
Honestly with me, the idea of feeling safe with a dom or Master means the most to me...maybe because I am a romantic and I know what its like to be within pain. I don't understand why people...yearn for pain emotionally....

I don't know if people generally yearn for pain emotionally on a conscious level. If one thinks about it, a person who grew up in a surrounding or environment that included abuse (physically, mentally, emotionally) he/she may find themselves, down the road in life, in similar relationships filled with such abuse. I think imarrja said it best in her last post.

 

[Gil_T2]

Wow I truely wish I had much more time to reply to our now poster IMARRJA but my time is limited today so a brief hello to you & welcome to the thread, I wll get back when time is better to reply in lenght to your post (there are a lot I want to go into with you), first up my & BANDIT involvement in DOM/sub comes from her longing & not know of her desires & our PLAY into it is totally into TRUST,OPENESS,HONESTY & RESPECTECT with limitations which were preset & respected at all times along with SAFE WORDS at all times also respected along with lots of LOVE it is not anything to do with the ABUSE she or I hahve been through.


CREATIVESUBMISSIONS welcome back & like IMARRJA I will get back to post to you too but my time at pressent is limited sorry.

SHADOW_DREAMER you too will be replied to late.

Hi to the lurkers & others who I have have missed please post & I or the other kind * caring ppl who visit will say HI.