How do you help someone get over being abused

[Cathleen]

well I screwed up royally.... I didn't protect myself..... why do I put myself in places that can recreate the abuse.... and Lit can be that to me.... why do victims of trauma/abuse tend to recreate the f'ing abuse??? my head, heart and soul are hurting right now... I am angry at myself for thinking I was moving further along.... maybe I got cocky and thought I could handle it..... boy was I wrong.... feeling a mess this morning.

Cate

 

[BrownEyes26]

HI Cathleen

I know that it seems like you are being "Dumb" for putting yourself into "harm's way again". But people like us, who have been abused, have had our sense of normalcy and feelings around trust damaged. Being a survivor of abuse does put you at a higher risk for being abused again. I feel like it is because you didnt learn how to protect yourself at a young age, that you did not know what if meant to trust your gut when things felt weird. And if you were abused as an adult, the abuse helps you to forget how to protect yourself. Your sense of trust has also been damaged and this may aid in making decisions that in retrospect, are unwise. You recognize this now, I would call that some sort of progress.

And you are hurting. I know if feels like shit, I have been there, I am still there. It does get better. Pain means that you still have feelings, that are are still alive. I hate and love the pain at the same time. It hurts like a bitch but I would rather hurt than not have any feelings as I did for so many years. Change is slow, incremental, almost unnoticeable. We begin to change with hopes of becoming the person we wish to be, almost overnight. But we did not get to the stage we are at overnight. Change and healing take time too. You have to go through the stages of recovery and that can feel like an eternity.Try to notice the little things, changes in the way you feel, think and behave. Those little changes mean a huge amount of work has been done by you.

And feeling discouraged is a part of the process too. I would never have gotten to where I am if I hadn't had days where I said, "What the hell am I doing, I cannot do this anymore!". I sometimes think about all the shit that I lived through and how I did it. I think about who thinks that I am able to do it, and ask for extra hugs and talks with friends who care. I go to my counselor and get angry. We cannot heal from sexual trauma alone. We need supports and people who wish to help us.

I hope you are feeling a bit better, for me sometimes it felt like my sanity rested on the edge of a deep chasm, and if I took one more breath or had one more feeling, that I was going to fall into the abyss. I didn't. I am still here. Myself and the other people that post on this thread support you in your healing journey. I hope you feel better soon. And Cathleen, it may not seem like it now, but it does get better. You deserve it!
Amy

 

[Cathleen]

Dear Amy,

Thank you so very, very much. I do not feel so all alone right now, because of your support and knowing you speak from your heart too. I can cry now because you helped me. That feels good too. It can help wash away the anger I have at myself.

I didn't learn how to protect myself as a little girl, and the consequences have been huge. But I have made so much progress, perhaps this is why the pain is greater today. I know I can never go back to the numbness I had, for once you let feelings in, they can never be let go. Sometimes I just wish for a moment, I could go numb. And I find myself trying to distract and avoid, rather than feel and release the pain.

I will sit and be. I will re-read your letter. I will cry. I will feel. I will get better. I know this.

I know thank you isn't enough, and that you know how much your words and thought mean, but thank you just the same. You have helped me.

Cate


P.S. your signature line quote is beautiful and so very real and appropriate to me, especially now.

 

[Cathleen]

I have taken a few step away from that abyss... I can still feel it but I am moving in the right direction now.... thank you... your personal understanding is my support...

Cate

 

[BrownEyes26]

Dear Amy,

Thank you so very, very much. I do not feel so all alone right now, because of your support and knowing you speak from your heart too. I can cry now because you helped me. That feels good too. It can help wash away the anger I have at myself.

I didn't learn how to protect myself as a little girl, and the consequences have been huge. But I have made so much progress, perhaps this is why the pain is greater today. I know I can never go back to the numbness I had, for once you let feelings in, they can never be let go. Sometimes I just wish for a moment, I could go numb. And I find myself trying to distract and avoid, rather than feel and release the pain.

I will sit and be. I will re-read your letter. I will cry. I will feel. I will get better. I know this.

I know thank you isn't enough, and that you know how much your words and thought mean, but thank you just the same. You have helped me.

Cate


P.S. your signature line quote is beautiful and so very real and appropriate to me, especially now.

Well thanks Cathleen
That is how we get through this, we take support wherever we can. For a long time I immersed myself in reading about trauma, teaching myself that I wasn't insane, but that I was having a normal reaction to an insane life situation. I felt alone all of my life and then began to realize that, unfortunately, there of millions of survivors out there. There are places that you can go, I recommend a sexual assault centre or a therapy group (run by a professional). Personal counseling is also a huge help to me. There are books, web sites and other people out there to help you.

I am glad that you were able to take some strength in what I was writing earlier. You can get through this, it is the hardest thing that you will ever have to do. I feel like a human now as opposed to an unfeeling thing that hated itself. I feel good about being me. And it is great.

I chose that quote because I feel that is what we have to do. We have to bloom into who we were meant to be. Metamophosis is a painful, long process.
If you need to chat, PM me anytime.

(((BIG HUGS)) and
Amy

PS Crying is a good thing, regardless of what anyone told you in the past!

 

[Monazwx]

well I screwed up royally.... I didn't protect myself..... why do I put myself in places that can recreate the abuse.... and Lit can be that to me.... why do victims of trauma/abuse tend to recreate the f'ing abuse??? my head, heart and soul are hurting right now... I am angry at myself for thinking I was moving further along.... maybe I got cocky and thought I could handle it..... boy was I wrong.... feeling a mess this morning.

Cate

One of the most important parts of recovery is knowing that recreating the abuse isn't helping and getting out of that present situation. It's easy to get stuck in the familiar, even if it is unhealthy for us. Don't feel to upset and stop beating yourself up over it, even though you don't feel like it right now, you are making progress.

 

[Cathleen]

Well thanks Cathleen
That is how we get through this, we take support wherever we can. For a long time I immersed myself in reading about trauma, teaching myself that I wasn't insane, but that I was having a normal reaction to an insane life situation. I felt alone all of my life and then began to realize that, unfortunately, there of millions of survivors out there. There are places that you can go, I recommend a sexual assault centre or a therapy group (run by a professional). Personal counseling is also a huge help to me. There are books, web sites and other people out there to help you.

I am glad that you were able to take some strength in what I was writing earlier. You can get through this, it is the hardest thing that you will ever have to do. I feel like a human now as opposed to an unfeeling thing that hated itself. I feel good about being me. And it is great.

I chose that quote because I feel that is what we have to do. We have to bloom into who we were meant to be. Metamophosis is a painful, long process.
If you need to chat, PM me anytime.

(((BIG HUGS)) and
Amy

PS Crying is a good thing, regardless of what anyone told you in the past!

Hi Amy,

Thanks once again.... I was able to share and relieve the pain greatly.... and yes, the crying did help too! I spent much time reading over the years as well....not until I met the right therapist have I been able to move to the other side.... its bright over here...just sometimes the darkness catches me unawares and I'm hit like a ton of bricks.... I'm sure you can relate.... but your kindness was a catalyst for my return to peacefulness....a lesson well learned!

With gratitude....

Cate

 

[Gil_T2]

well I screwed up royally.... I didn't protect myself..... why do I put myself in places that can recreate the abuse.... and Lit can be that to me.... why do victims of trauma/abuse tend to recreate the f'ing abuse??? my head, heart and soul are hurting right now... I am angry at myself for thinking I was moving further along.... maybe I got cocky and thought I could handle it..... boy was I wrong.... feeling a mess this morning.

Cate

{{{{{{{{{CATE}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry you had this happen but on the up side you now know letting your self drop into a familiar position isn't good for you & try not to let it ever happen again, STRIVE ONWARD & UPWARD to the NEW you.

 

[BrownEyes26]

Hi Amy,

Thanks once again.... I was able to share and relieve the pain greatly.... and yes, the crying did help too! I spent much time reading over the years as well....not until I met the right therapist have I been able to move to the other side.... its bright over here...just sometimes the darkness catches me unawares and I'm hit like a ton of bricks.... I'm sure you can relate.... but your kindness was a catalyst for my return to peacefulness....a lesson well learned!

With gratitude....

Cate

 

[Don K Dyck]

Bump....Bump.... Bump....

Now THAT is what I call a very positive Av . . . delicious, Kiki . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

well I screwed up royally.... I didn't protect myself..... why do I put myself in places that can recreate the abuse.... and Lit can be that to me.... why do victims of trauma/abuse tend to recreate the f'ing abuse??? my head, heart and soul are hurting right now... I am angry at myself for thinking I was moving further along.... maybe I got cocky and thought I could handle it..... boy was I wrong.... feeling a mess this morning.

Cate

heheh . . . welcome to the real world . . . learning is a series of experiments . . . sometimes we get the result we expect . . . sometimes we get something else . . . even when we do all "the right things"

The strength comes from realising that we don't always get the expected result . . . at these times, we try to sit down and rationally (?) evaluate why we got someting diffeent . . . trial and error learning . . . then having learned from our experience we move on to the next exciting day . . . hopefully to make some good decisions and probably some new mistakes . . . that's life . . .

 

[kikmosa]

Now THAT is what I call a very positive Av . . . delicious, Kiki . . .

Thank you Don. It's part of trying to feel better. Trying to be more positive.

Cate, hun, we all have days when life gets to be a bit much for us. We all make mistakes. We can't let it hold us down. We're human and it's going to happen. All we can do is work through it and go on. I know that's easy to say and hard to do but, please, hold on. It will get better. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. That's all we can do.

(((((Cate)))))

 

[Cathleen]

Thanks Don, Kikmosa..... I sure did learn quite alot!!!

The hardest lessons, the ones with the most pain, will be the ones I am less likely to repeat..... I was lucky to be able to share my thoughts and feelings..... reliquish them to others..... and move forward, wiser for the experience!!!! You are both so very right..... the future is where I am heading!!!! Thanks....always!

Cate

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Don, Kikmosa..... I sure did learn quite alot!!!

The hardest lessons, the ones with the most pain, will be the ones I am less likely to repeat..... I was lucky to be able to share my thoughts and feelings..... reliquish them to others..... and move forward, wiser for the experience!!!! You are both so very right..... the future is where I am heading!!!! Thanks....always!

Cate

CATE your right in that the furure is where your heading & it is yours to grasp.

DON congrats on your graduation!!!! sorry we couldn't be there to share it with you.

KIKI loverly as always to see you & to read positive thoughts by you.

BROWN EYES, MONA & TRICE I'm so glad you all dropped by to offer your little gems to those seeking to find the way here.

 

[Cathleen]

CATE your right in that the furure is where your heading & it is yours to grasp.

DON congrats on your graduation!!!! sorry we couldn't be there to share it with you.

KIKI loverly as always to see you & to read positive thoughts by you.

BROWN EYES, MONA & TRICE I'm so glad you all dropped by to offer your little gems to those seeking to find the way here.

bump.....

And a big thanks to you Gil.... you are right.... and my fingertips can feel it within reach!!!

 

[shortnsassy]

how do you help someone get over being abused

I too was in an abusive relationship many years ago. He beat me while I was pregnant with our son, pulled guns on me while my two daughters 3 and 1 looked on, so on...I left many times only to go back because I felt sorry for him and thought he would change. The third year of our marriage I had made up my mind that after I gave birth to our daughter I would kick him out and get a divorce. I Did!!! I had a great support system. I learned the hard way, my friends and family kept telling me to leave him but in my heart I was hoping he would see what he was doing to me and change but I LEARNED that only he could change if he wants to, nomatter what we want they have to want it to. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk.

Sassy

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: how do you help someone get over being abused

I too was in an abusive relationship many years ago. He beat me while I was pregnant with our son, pulled guns on me while my two daughters 3 and 1 looked on, so on...I left many times only to go back because I felt sorry for him and thought he would change. The third year of our marriage I had made up my mind that after I gave birth to our daughter I would kick him out and get a divorce. I Did!!! I had a great support system. I learned the hard way, my friends and family kept telling me to leave him but in my heart I was hoping he would see what he was doing to me and change but I LEARNED that only he could change if he wants to, nomatter what we want they have to want it to. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk.

Sassy

Hi SASSY & thanks for letting us in on your abuse tale & how you found your way out of it, I hope your life has made the bad memories fade.

 

[kikmosa]

Bump

 

[Gil_T2]

Bump

*Gil jumps in to join KIKI in a BUMP*

Hi KIKI how are things for you with SPRING in the air?
How is the Job?
How is your social life? Making lots of new friends?
Most importantly is how are you?


I hope all enjoy the Easter break & for those who like chockies don't have to many Easter eggs.

 

[cat28]

Happy Easter everyone, hug the one you love close to you.

 

[Gil_T2]

Happy Easter everyone, hug the one you love close to you.

Cat thanks for dropping in here & my puta crash when I was trying to post my reply to you & just got back in to see you have delited your post so I won't go into the details I can remember from the post but if you'd like to PM me please feel free to.Yuor post was long but I think you needed to vent your feelings on your past & hope it did help just by getting it typed out.

As for your meeting the new guy & your worries if your open & honest up front it will go much easier for you both, the fact you decame a victim of abuse is no indication as to your strength or weakness & I'm sure other survivers will endorce my thinking.

You are needing to find some professional assistance with your struggle to find the real you & to cope with the demons of the past.

As DON says there is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

I hope all goes well with your meeting soon & your contact is a real man who can show you that the past is something that will remain in your past & brightness rules your future.

 

[BrownEyes26]

Happy Easter all. I hope the easter bunny was good to you.
BE26

 

[cat28]

Thank you, Gil T2

Thank you very much for the support you've showed. Yes, you are absolutely right, I just needed to vent my feelings somewhere. I've had a day that began in hell, and is ending beautifully, first a chat with the supposed man of my dreams, who is absolutely brilliant, lol, then this post from you. Thank you. My candle is still lit, but I'm learning to let go, to grieve quietly, so to speak.

You're right. Sooner or later I will have to tell him honestly what happened.

Thank you, again. You are absolutely great.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Thank you, Gil T2

Thank you very much for the support you've showed. Yes, you are absolutely right, I just needed to vent my feelings somewhere. I've had a day that began in hell, and is ending beautifully, first a chat with the supposed man of my dreams, who is absolutely brilliant, lol, then this post from you. Thank you. My candle is still lit, but I'm learning to let go, to grieve quietly, so to speak.

You're right. Sooner or later I will have to tell him honestly what happened.

Thank you, again. You are absolutely great.

PLEASE feel free to return any time you wish to just post, to let us know how things are or to again vent, this thread is full of ppl who know about what your going through in some way & our offered help is from the heart with no other reason but to be here to offer help or just a caring ear.

GROW strong & know the real you.

 

[Don K Dyck]

heheh . . . welcome to the real world . . . learning is a series of experiments . . . sometimes we get the result we expect . . . sometimes we get something else . . . even when we do all "the right things"

The strength comes from realising that we don't always get the expected result . . . at these times, we try to sit down and rationally (?) evaluate why we got someting diffeent . . . trial and error learning . . . then having learned from our experience we move on to the next exciting day . . . hopefully to make some good decisions and probably some new mistakes . . . that's life . . .

Hmmm . . . will have top take some of my own advice here I think . . . just got ripped off by a "mate", now former, over an agistment deal . . . what hurt was that I had helped keep him afloat for the last 3 1/2 years . . . oh well, that's experience . . . there is a saying "Never trust a man who deals deceptively in cattle" . . . end of that friendship . . . now, on with the show . . .