How do you help someone get over being abused

[kikmosa]

Perhaps writing down and looking at what you would like to talk about to with them. And it may take talking to several in separate talks to deal with it. As well there is the option of professional counselors in every type of abuse. Whom can help you to address your own pains plus help you plan to deal with others. Whether as a game plan or them come and have the counselor acting in a mediator/ counseling role. Plus the choices you have are yours which you can look at and even try several of them should situations make it so. With there being great people here to talk to as well. Making your options all the more in actions and support.

I dont know precise details of your own situation Noor which leads to myself and others being limited in suggestions. But wont pry as I know how hard it can be to open up to an abuser or even one loved. Small steps is what it takes in a lot where the decisions are yours in reaching out for help or acting in each step.

Running is usually only an answer if it physically protects some one to do so. Especially if children are involved. As even in running the pain still eats at a person. But time outs now and then to self or with those whom have your best interests at heart is wonderful. With being noted that moving on in life and running are seperate things. And I wont pry you for details of your situation as I know how hard it can be to open up in multiple areas. But will instead share some of my own experiences. Which may perhaps help yourself or others in some way.


For my own situation it was my parents whom snubbed two of my younger siblings as adults when they tried to talk to them about it. Which quite frankly ticked me off. Which lead to my going around and talking to individuals from both sides of the family. To not only understand my parents better. But also to see how much others knew of what was going on. Which I was able to learn in both and as well told those relatives bluntly what thought of them turning a blind eye. And ended up helping them improve relations and communications for many relatives as a result.

Then I confronted my parents in their own home as politely as could manage. Told them how their snubbing of siblings in this brought me to talking to relatives and now wanted to hear their side of the story. They of course tried to dance around the subject but let them know I wasnt leaving till they listened to what I had to say. My father actually came around a bit with some creative debate and dialogue shared. But my mother was another matter and is one of those people whom has the mindset of never being in the wrong.

When felt that had accomplished as much could with parents then. I let them know that I didnt hate nor love them but felt neutral towards them. With letting them know that such wasnt said in spite, but was what I truly felt then with where I was progressed to as a person then. As well told them that would appreciate it if they could find it in themselves to apologize to my younger siblings. Or at least try and explain things as best they could to them.

The physical family violence ended when I was nearly thirteen. My father went to back hand my mother. Then I growled as he raised his hand. He yelled " DONT YOU FUCKING SNARL AT ME ", to which I roared in reply then we had at it. A short time later my mother went to blind side me in the head with a stick. Which I caught and told her never to harm my younger siblings again. Neither of them has ever hit any one physically since. But the emotional dysfunctions and other types of fighting continued.

Its different feelings when so young in being able to physically protect your younger siblings. Yet dont know what to do beyond that and realizing that beating up parents regularily in revenge wasnt a solution. So did best as was able for many years in protecting and helping people as schedules allowed. Even with working when young and lending parents money as things werent so financially great. Then leaving home as early as possible and help younger siblings and others get set up in life.

Though abuse fuels many diverse emotions.. rage was the hardest for me to control. With having grown up knowing what is like to get beat with fists, boots, sticks, hammers, tools and many other creative impliments. Plus physically stepping often through school and in to most of adult life when ever saw some person(s) being abusive. It was the same rage that got me through even more violent situations in life. Where to many of them I dont know why didnt die other than it wasnt my time yet. Which creates a special appreciation for life and especially lives of others.

But it was the gentlest of people that really made the difference for me. They are truly the strongest of any one. As in them I learned to open up more and truly begin to learn of multiple beauties of life, especially love. They accepted me for me no matter what my past or actions had been. Which helped me to accept being a lover and a fighter as an individual. With from young having sought to learn a lot about every thing with reading and other means. But it was gentle heart to heart sharings where learned the most and best lessons of self and others.

Every story that is in this thread I have been around in some fashion before. It is hard to go through the paces of healing from abuse.. to put it mildly. As it can also be hard for those trying to help in the healing or those whom havent even heard of such before. But sooner or later every one has to deal with it in some fashion in life. It exists in more places than most know from childhood to adulthood personal and professional areas. Its definitely wrong, not something to be swept under the carpet and gradually more people are becoming aware of it.

Abuse can be a vicious circle in how it affects so many as individuals and in multiple types of relationships. Especially where love, trust and communication are so hard to deal with for victims and loved ones. With the one thing that is perhaps the worst in abuse where carries over generationally. Which frankly I wont be a part of in having taken myself apart and rebuilding the real me.
With always being thankful to those gentlest in my heart.

In each situation it is ultimately the choices of the abused (victims and loved ones ) which lead to putting their lives back together. Even though the abusers took things from you.. they cant keep them forever. You are yourself a brilliant wonderful positive person whom deserves the best of self and others. I believe in you and always will.

Every one has to make stands in life and good people, especially children are worth it.



( hearty hugs and handshakes for any whom wish them )

((((((((((WolfSong)))))))))) Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. Facing your parents could not have been easy for you.
Yes abuse can be a very vicious circle. One that we must stop. We must break that circle as often as we can.

Thank you so much for the kind and supportive words that you have shared with all of us. You have shown strength in overcoming your demons and given hope to many.

 

[Wolf_Song]

((((((((((WolfSong)))))))))) Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. Facing your parents could not have been easy for you.

Your welcome for the story but any credits of courage go to the gentlest beautiful people in my heart. They amaze me with how much beauty they share not only in this life, but also generationally as well.

As far as facing parents went it was in consideration to my younger sisters. Whom my parents had hurt in snubbing when they tried talking to them about it. The courage is credited to them as well.

Yes abuse can be a very vicious circle. One that we must stop. We must break that circle as often as we can.

I have put a lot of dents in that circle physically, financially and legally. But mostly learned the best way to deal with it is in communication and heartedly. In honor and example of those gentle people whom have impacted the life of myself and so many every day.

Thank you so much for the kind and supportive words that you have shared with all of us. You have shown strength in overcoming your demons and given hope to many.

You and all others are welcome to and deserve the truths of the wonderful beautiful people you all are. With each having within the strength to bring about together and as individuals all the happiness you and loved ones deserve. I know you can do it.

Hearts blessings with hearts peace wished to each and all.

 

[Gil_T2]

Well, yes and no. It is very easy for someone who has been abused to get involved with an abusive person so when the warning signs are there, it is important to hear them.

There are many times when usually decent people do abusive things like withhold communication, affection in an attempt to control situations they are uncomfortable with. It isn't right, but people who have not been abused probably just get mad and dealt with it, whereas it puts me in a tailspin of sorts, where I am not sure I can ever have faith in that person again.

From your 2nd paragraph I was wondering if they are having a sulk for what ever reason or keeping quite in an effort not to ignite an arguement... as I have done this to try to keep the peace when we have tangled on a subject but now no talking it out is the only & best method to solving these situations.

 

[Gil_T2]

Welcome Intrigued. Your very right. You can never go back and be what you were before. That child or person is gone forever. We can't go back, but we can go forward. As you said, one tiny step at a time. Don't look so far ahead that you can't see where you are now. Keep your eye on that next step. And then the next one and the next. Rebuild your life a piece at a time. Only by rebuilding do we take control back into our own hands and show those who held us down that we are the winners and they are the losers. We are the stronger and they are just the dirt beneath our feet.

BEAUTIFULLY said KIKI & comming from you it hold more positive power than anything I could hope to say.

Do you have your glasses now because you said you wouldn't be posting till you did ?

Bigest gentle hugs for my dear friend KIKI.

 

[Gil_T2]

((((((((((WolfSong)))))))))) Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. Facing your parents could not have been easy for you.
Yes abuse can be a very vicious circle. One that we must stop. We must break that circle as often as we can.

Thank you so much for the kind and supportive words that you have shared with all of us. You have shown strength in overcoming your demons and given hope to many.

It has been pointed out to me recently that the big worry facing any surviver of abuse is getting involved with a similar personality
when you have gained the strength to try to move on, it is important to look into the NEW person to see the signs to protect your self, a very difficult balancing act even for NON abused ppl.

THIS is a general comment & NOT pointed towards any of the ppl here just a statement made else where.I know that we have some who have had good & bad experiences in trying to move on but please keep the faith that happiness can be yours as can real love.

 

[zantac666]

Mona is right just take it slow when.

I dated a girl that was abused it took me two months before `we made love she said that she was ready i took nice and slow so she would enjoy it.

Just be patience and let her know you are there.

You will enjoy it when she is ready.

 

[kikmosa]

BEAUTIFULLY said KIKI & comming from you it hold more positive power than anything I could hope to say.

Do you have your glasses now because you said you wouldn't be posting till you did ?

Bigest gentle hugs for my dear friend KIKI.

Not yet, I'm cheating. I just couldn't stay away. I mean, what if someone needed me and I wasn't here. I just can't do that. I won't get my glasses until this weekend. Although it could be as long as next tuesday. I can't stay gone that long. I'm just popping in for a few minutes at a time. Surely that won't hurt anything.

 

[stilltrying]

Noor says

I think one of the big problems with having been abused is that when someone does or says something that is typical of an abuser all sorts of bells and whistles go off in your brain even though they have might have had no intention of being abusive.

Not to mention the fact that very few abusive people actually intend to be abusive, which makes it that much harder to tell what's going on.
In almost every case a person who is abusive behaves that way because they don't know of any other way to handle their own inner turmoil, or else they are simply acting out something that's been done to them. It's a rare person who actually knows the damage that they are doing, and then goes ahead and does it anyway.
I would go so far as to say that a person like this transcends the label of 'abusive' and moves into the realm of being a sociopath.

In a later post you go on to say:

There are many times when usually decent people do abusive things like withhold communication, affection in an attempt to control situations they are uncomfortable with. It isn't right, but people who have not been abused probably just get mad and dealt with it, whereas it puts me in a tailspin of sorts, where I am not sure I can ever have faith in that person again.

I think that everyone, to some extent or another, unconsciously tries to manipulate the people around them in order to make themselves feel safer, or advance some personal cause or whatever. It's part and parcel of our socialization as we grow up. Because we all do it, we all, presumably, know how to deal with it as well. Unfortunately, if you've been abusively manipulated and controlled, this sort of behavior will, to paraphrase your earlier comment, 'set off warning bells' and generally cause you to overreact which in turn creates it's own problems.
This sort of thing is, to my mind, the most difficult aspect of recovery. The seemingly endless need to question and re-question yourself and everyone around you. 'Am I over-reacting here?', 'Is this really a threat?'

And Wolf Song, I'm impressed by the way you handled the violence in your home. In my case, I felt that I had to run away because at the time I was sure my father was going to kill me. From my perspective now as an adult, I doubt that this was the case and I can't help but wonder at times if I could have improved the situation through the sort of communication that you describe having had with your parents.
It's all moot now of course but one can't help but speculate.

kikmosa, thank you for the very kind and generous welcome. I've looked into a couple of other threads (thanks to Wolf Song for the links ), and I believe I will stay here and post as this seems to be the most active and ongoing thread on the subject.

 

[Gil_T2]

Not yet, I'm cheating. I just couldn't stay away. I mean, what if someone needed me and I wasn't here. I just can't do that. I won't get my glasses until this weekend. Although it could be as long as next tuesday. I can't stay gone that long. I'm just popping in for a few minutes at a time. Surely that won't hurt anything.

KIKI you are sweet,kind wonderful lady & know how you feel as it's 4.39am here & look what I'm doing.
PS you have an email please read it carefully than think of what I'm saying as I have taken many months to get to this point & know it is something that is down the track & ISN'T going to happen soon... OK.



For those reading this that are worried on posting KIKI is a perfect example of the care & love shown to all who come here.

 

[Gil_T2]

Noor says
Not to mention the fact that very few abusive people actually intend to be abusive, which makes it that much harder to tell what's going on.
In almost every case a person who is abusive behaves that way because they don't know of any other way to handle their own inner turmoil, or else they are simply acting out something that's been done to them. It's a rare person who actually knows the damage that they are doing, and then goes ahead and does it anyway.
I would go so far as to say that a person like this transcends the label of 'abusive' and moves into the realm of being a sociopath.

In a later post you go on to say:

I think that everyone, to some extent or another, unconsciously tries to manipulate the people around them in order to make themselves feel safer, or advance some personal cause or whatever. It's part and parcel of our socialization as we grow up. Because we all do it, we all, presumably, know how to deal with it as well. Unfortunately, if you've been abusively manipulated and controlled, this sort of behavior will, to paraphrase your earlier comment, 'set off warning bells' and generally cause you to overreact which in turn creates it's own problems.
This sort of thing is, to my mind, the most difficult aspect of recovery. The seemingly endless need to question and re-question yourself and everyone around you. 'Am I over-reacting here?', 'Is this really a threat?'

And Wolf Song, I'm impressed by the way you handled the violence in your home. In my case, I felt that I had to run away because at the time I was sure my father was going to kill me. From my perspective now as an adult, I doubt that this was the case and I can't help but wonder at times if I could have improved the situation through the sort of communication that you describe having had with your parents.
It's all moot now of course but one can't help but speculate.

kikmosa, thank you for the very kind and generous welcome. I've looked into a couple of other threads (thanks to Wolf Song for the links ), and I believe I will stay here and post as this seems to be the most active and ongoing thread on the subject.

You say ABUSERS DO NOT intend to be abusive...this might be so in the family abuse situation BUT in the relationship it is definately their way of controlling you their VICTIM nothing more they spend lots of time destroying your self esteem so that you loose the urge to leave because they make you think you are wothless & no one would care anyway...even though this IS the furthest thing from the truth. YOU ARE woth ever effort to rescuse & YOU DO DESERVE to be the great person you really are.PARENTAL abusers are different to the RELATIONSHIP abusers in that you are right in your description of their ways of thinking.

I always feared my father but it was always left up to my mum to hand out the punishment which was never abusive but even worse my reason for never trusting my father still stands as in the last week found out that he used to beat the crap out of MUM not only for things he percieved as wrong but because we kids had done things & never punished to his liking & his abuse to my memory was alway mental as he put me down with everything I tried to do to please him for the sake of a quite life at home & I moved away from home at 15 because it got to much to handle, he never laid a hand on my sister or myself.

His mind has gone on him now & he dosen't remember any of this which makes it hard to get close to him while still it is so very fresh in my mind so understand the feelins that others describe in
feeling on tender hooks when this happen & innocent ppl who don't know your history stirr these memories

 

[Gil_T2]

SORRY if my post wanders or gets lost with tracking but it is after 5 am on yet another sleepless night for me.

 

[stilltrying]

Well, perhaps I ought to clarify myself a little bit. When I say abusers don't intend to be abusive, (and in this context we're talking strictly about physical abuse), I don't mean that they aren't trying to control or cause pain, but rather that they don't see any of this as 'abusive' in the sense that we are using the word. They see it as justifiable and even reasonable behavior under the circumstances.
In my case, my father was somewhat of a religious fanatic. He grew up in absolutely horrible conditions, was surrounded by vice of all sorts (alcoholism, drug addiction, etc), and he found his way 'out' through religion. As I grew up he tried to impose his strict beliefs about the world on me, using physical force as a means of controlling me and trying to head off any tendency on my part to stray from the one 'true' path. So it was his fear for me, that ultimately caused him to create a situation where I feared him more than the things he was trying to teach me to be afraid of.
Even to this day, the only comment he will make regarding such diverse punishments as trying to 'beat the devil out of me' with a hammer or teaching me to resist temptation by burning my arms with a lit cigarette when he thought I was touching myself in a 'sinful' way is: "Maybe I was a LITTLE hard on you as you were growing up"
He still doesn't see that any of this was 'abusive', and he would in fact be quite shocked by the thought. He knows that I was driven away from home by this sort of thing, but doesn't understand that it could have turned out any differently. He sees it now as his having done his best under difficult circumstances, and it's just too bad evil has such a powerful influence in the world.
As far as any personal responsibility goes, he just does not acknowledge any to speak of.

I'm sorry by the way, to hear that you are having trouble sleeping. I've had that problem for most of my life and believe me, I feel for you Gil.

 

[stilltrying]

ooops, double posted there.
sorry.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Well, perhaps I ought to clarify myself a little bit. When I say abusers don't intend to be abusive, (and in this context we're talking strictly about physical abuse), I don't mean that they aren't trying to control or cause pain, but rather that they don't see any of this as 'abusive' in the sense that we are using the word. They see it as justifiable and even reasonable behavior under the circumstances.
In my case, my father was somewhat of a religious fanatic. He grew up in absolutely horrible conditions, was surrounded by vice of all sorts (alcoholism, drug addiction, etc), and he found his way 'out' through religion. As I grew up he tried to impose his strict beliefs about the world on me, using physical force as a means of controlling me and trying to head off any tendency on my part to stray from the one 'true' path. So it was his fear for me, that ultimately caused him to create a situation where I feared him more than the things he was trying to teach me to be afraid of.
Even to this day, the only comment he will make regarding such diverse punishments as trying to 'beat the devil out of me' with a hammer or teaching me to resist temptation by burning my arms with a lit cigarette when he thought I was touching myself in a 'sinful' way is: "Maybe I was a LITTLE hard on you as you were growing up"
He still doesn't see that any of this was 'abusive', and he would in fact be quite shocked by the thought. He knows that I was driven away from home by this sort of thing, but doesn't understand that it could have turned out any differently. He sees it now as his having done his best under difficult circumstances, and it's just too bad evil has such a powerful influence in the world.
As far as any personal responsibility goes, he just does not acknowledge any to speak of.

I'm sorry by the way, to hear that you are having trouble sleeping. I've had that problem for most of my life and believe me, I feel for you Gil.

Hi Stilltrying, I think you are being too generous and apologetic for behaviour that is totally unacceptable. I agree that when parents have a distorted upbringing that they bring that knowledge of "family life" with them into their subsequent own family situation. "It must be OK 'cos it happened to me and my family was normal, wasn't it?"

But frequently the answer is "NO!! Neither your family situation nor the treatment you received is OK!!"

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!

From your post it appears that your father has a lot of problems to work through, and most of them were created long before you came on the scene. In a sense, looking at the world therough his eyes, (and that sometimes hurts) his kids were collateral damage for the failure of his own parents to provide appropriate parenting. I hope he is able to resolve his difficulties, but given his escape into religion, he may need some form of silent retreat programme to come to terms with himself.

But YOU must realise that HIS PROBLEMS ARE HIS PROBLEMS and that HIS PROBLEMS ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEMS!!

How your father chooses to live his life is his business entirely. You may not agree with him, but that is OK 'cos you have to live YOUR LIFE. Where you can have a positive input is in your own family. You can give your kids the things that you consider make up good parenting. This will stop the destructive generational spiral in its tracks.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!!

 

[Don K Dyck]

Not yet, I'm cheating. I just couldn't stay away. I mean, what if someone needed me and I wasn't here. I just can't do that. I won't get my glasses until this weekend. Although it could be as long as next tuesday. I can't stay gone that long. I'm just popping in for a few minutes at a time. Surely that won't hurt anything.

Now THAT is what I call "aussie attitude!!"

 

[Wolf_Song]

<snip>
And Wolf Song, I'm impressed by the way you handled the violence in your home. In my case, I felt that I had to run away because at the time I was sure my father was going to kill me. From my perspective now as an adult, I doubt that this was the case and I can't help but wonder at times if I could have improved the situation through the sort of communication that you describe having had with your parents.
It's all moot now of course but one can't help but speculate.
<snip>

Not so impressive to me in that violence in part made me faster, stronger and often far more savage than my parents at such a young age. Though I didnt target any innocents other than the situations where some would come to me and lie of how some one abused them. Which would lead me to seeing red, hunting them down and giving the person(s) an old fashioned thrashing.
Then having to deal with my conscience and apologizing to them after the fact when lies were revealed. Some times I got lucky and the liar would confess when I had some one by the throat.
Even my younger siblings pulled this on me several times. Which helped in getting better at asking questions first before shooting.

Chances are your father wouldnt have killed you as you say in hindsight. But you handled things as best you could with what knew then and personally I think none the lesser of you in that. And have a great deal of respect for yourself in every thing.

I agree with you on that communication would have been better in both our situations. But as wrote earlier the communication didnt happen for till later in adulthood. Which was fifteen years after the fact of ending family physical violence. The emotional violence still continued, growing up in a household where fighting took a close second to breathing in activities.

Some form of productive communication earlier would have been far much better. But societally most people dont want to get involved. The old " see no evil.. speak no evil.. hear no evil " which is really wrong in its own right. Where more need to get a " theres a problem, lets deal with it " attitude. Though gradually communications with information is becoming more accepted and
utilized. There is still a long way to go.. for abusers, abused and societies as a whole.

That speculation you mentioned can definitely be a mind boggling activity of what could or should have done. But ultimately its from the past to address, learn and heal in the present for making the future better. Which every one herein is doing heartedly in sharing stories, opinions and potential solutions. Which is in itself a very good thing that each is a part of.


Compliments with best wished to each and all.

( hugs and handshakes included )

 

[Wolf_Song]

It has been pointed out to me recently that the big worry facing any surviver of abuse is getting involved with a similar personality
when you have gained the strength to try to move on, it is important to look into the NEW person to see the signs to protect your self, a very difficult balancing act even for NON abused ppl.

This is very much so, especially when two from abused back grounds meet. As the multiple potential hurtful or beautiful scenarios that can be are astounding. With love, trust and communication needing constant nurturing. And accepting each other enough when some things cant be handled easily. Plus takes huge amounts of compassion and strength to deal with them.

Especially if there ends up being a contest of dominance in the relationship where each abused will attempt controlling the other in various ways. As a defense to keep themselves from being controlled or where unresolved issues have turned to bitterness. Or it is simply there nature to be controlling and thusly when controlled abusively it is all the more traumatic for them. With so many other possibilites in consideration to.


THIS is a general comment & NOT pointed towards any of the ppl here just a statement made else where.I know that we have some who have had good & bad experiences in trying to move on but please keep the faith that happiness can be yours as can real love.

Very much agreed and well said.

 

[Wolf_Song]

You say ABUSERS DO NOT intend to be abusive...this might be so in the family abuse situation BUT in the relationship it is definately their way of controlling you their VICTIM nothing more they spend lots of time destroying your self esteem so that you loose the urge to leave because they make you think you are wothless & no one would care anyway...even though this IS the furthest thing from the truth. YOU ARE woth ever effort to rescuse & YOU DO DESERVE to be the great person you really are.PARENTAL abusers are different to the RELATIONSHIP abusers in that you are right in your description of their ways of thinking.

Many still inadvertantly ascribe to many old strict religious and societal practices. Where " the rule of thumb " was once wrote up in history where husbands werent allowed to beat their wives with a rod larger than their thumb. Or in many first world countries where husbands were only allowed to punish their wives on court house steps. Its from these among many out dated barbaric practices that much domestic violence stems from. Which has in large brought about what you say in last above sentence.

I always feared my father but it was always left up to my mum to hand out the punishment which was never abusive but even worse my reason for never trusting my father still stands as in the last week found out that he used to beat the crap out of MUM not only for things he percieved as wrong but because we kids had done things & never punished to his liking & his abuse to my memory was alway mental as he put me down with everything I tried to do to please him for the sake of a quite life at home & I moved away from home at 15 because it got to much to handle, he never laid a hand on my sister or myself.

His mind has gone on him now & he dosen't remember any of this which makes it hard to get close to him while still it is so very fresh in my mind so understand the feelins that others describe in
feeling on tender hooks when this happen & innocent ppl who don't know your history stirr these memories

Even if he cant conceive what you are saying at what he did wrong. At least you are standing up and saying it here. Which is a good and admirable thing. Its when we start listening to the good of what others say of ourselves. Then accepting it as the truth it is.. great leaps of healing occure.

My own fathers mind is wandering to occasionally due to high blood pressure. From the vicious beatings he received as a child which lead to several surgical operations for him as an adult. With being able to physically out work many even decades his junior. He is an incredibly hard worker whom has always pushed himself and others to hard. And found in reserach that came largely from over a millenia of military back ground. Where each generation disciplined and worked children similiar to a boot camp.

But alike your father the comprehending of having done wrong, admitting such or even apologizing to own children. Isnt easy for him to communicate due to past harsh societal familial ways found in many back grounds. Though such still doesnt make abuse right, nor is it a valid excuse.. but does help one to understand more the why. And realize it wasnt a failing nor fault of the abused.

You didnt fail your parents in any thing. You did the best you could and even more so in being a positive person in lives of others. Your a good person Gil and hope you never forget that. Making the best out of worst isnt always easy to do, but already in this thread you incepted.. it is happening for many. Your doing good and I for one of many am proud of and respect you all the more in it.

( BIG OLE ROARING CHEER FOR EVERY ONE !! )

 

[Gil_T2]

I find it extreemly pleasing to see so many ppl om a SEX site banding together to hlp & be here to support others who come here for understanding & comfort in dealing with their own personal DEMONS (as each do have different ones because of their abuse).

This thread gives me hope for the world at large because we ALL came here to LIT for completely different reasons beside wanting to be helped & to help others.


LIFE IS GOOD

 

[Gil_T2]

Now just a small bup to keep us up there.

 

[stilltrying]

Thank you for your comments Don K D.
When you say that there is no excuse for physical or emotional violence, I agree with you completely.
What I was talking about in my earlier posts was not an attempt toexcuse anyone for what they've done, but rather a part of my ongoing effort to understand what has happened.
I am not defending my father, I think he was and still is completely wrong.
But at the same time, he didn't think he was wrong and he still doesn't, so if I'm to truly understand what happened to me, I have to be able to see things from his perspective as well as my own.
I have no love for my father, but at the same time I don't want to hate him either. If I simply demonize his actions, I will also by extension end up demonizing him as well, and I will in effect be seeing him exactly as he saw me.
I wasn't 'evil' as a kid, even judged by the most intolerant of religious standards. I was just completely human and prone to making mistakes. If he could have seen me as I was, and not as he was afraid I would be or could be, I'd like to think that his actions towards me would have been different. By the same token, if I only see him as the perpetrator of violence, I don't see his humanity and I risk ignoring what good there is in him just as he did with me.
It can arguably be said that I don't owe him anything at this point, but I nevertheless do owe myself something.
And that is to be the best person that I can be. I have to forgive what I can forgive, accept what I can't and most of all, learn how not to make the same mistakes by learning how such mistakes are made in the first place. Because as I said earlier, I don't think that people set out to hurt others intentionally. They do so because they are afraid, or feel helpless and out of control or a dozen other reasons besides simply having evil intent.
I WILL NOT hurt anyone else as I've been hurt, and in order to avoid doing that, I feel that I have to know all the various ways ones insecurity and human weakness can betray them into doing so.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank you for your comments Don K D.
When you say that there is no excuse for physical or emotional violence, I agree with you completely.
What I was talking about in my earlier posts was not an attempt toexcuse anyone for what they've done, but rather a part of my ongoing effort to understand what has happened.
I am not defending my father, I think he was and still is completely wrong.
But at the same time, he didn't think he was wrong and he still doesn't, so if I'm to truly understand what happened to me, I have to be able to see things from his perspective as well as my own.
I have no love for my father, but at the same time I don't want to hate him either. If I simply demonize his actions, I will also by extension end up demonizing him as well, and I will in effect be seeing him exactly as he saw me.
I wasn't 'evil' as a kid, even judged by the most intolerant of religious standards. I was just completely human and prone to making mistakes. If he could have seen me as I was, and not as he was afraid I would be or could be, I'd like to think that his actions towards me would have been different. By the same token, if I only see him as the perpetrator of violence, I don't see his humanity and I risk ignoring what good there is in him just as he did with me.
It can arguably be said that I don't owe him anything at this point, but I nevertheless do owe myself something.
And that is to be the best person that I can be. I have to forgive what I can forgive, accept what I can't and most of all, learn how not to make the same mistakes by learning how such mistakes are made in the first place. Because as I said earlier, I don't think that people set out to hurt others intentionally. They do so because they are afraid, or feel helpless and out of control or a dozen other reasons besides simply having evil intent.
I WILL NOT hurt anyone else as I've been hurt, and in order to avoid doing that, I feel that I have to know all the various ways ones insecurity and human weakness can betray them into doing so.

The BEST thing I read that sticks with me is at the bottom of your post where you say "I WILL NOT HURT ANYONE" as this goes against some cases where the abused in turn become abusers. I to have been told I'm so tolerant of ppl around me & with my partners which I take to heart because abuse is something I'd nver want to be known for.

 

[Wantonica]

Thank You...

I signed on today after a long weekend away and wanted to thank all of you who responded to my post. You are very caring and supportive people.

It seems especially difficult to deal with sexual abuse when it has happened to your children. As a parent, you would like to think that you can protect them from things like that. By the time our situation came to light, the kids were nearly teens. My son had stopped his own attacks, and believed he had stopped them from happening to his sister also. It was devastating for him to find out he hadn't been the Superman he thought he was. I was very shocked, very angry, and my (now ex) husband wouldn't allow the children or I to participate in the court hearings in any way. My son still refuses to talk about it with anyone, and he is grown now. My daughter went to counseling, but has since gone into a downward spiral of promiscuity. She seems to allow herself to be degraded and punished by young men. It has been a hard road, and her end of the tunnel has yet to show light. If I try to help her, she accuses me of thinking she is a whore.

Can you help someone get over abuse? Only to a point... after being with a physically abusive man for many years, I still flinch when a hand gets too close to my face. I'm not afraid of being hit when this happens, it is just an automatic reflex. Unfortunately, it is the "automatic reflexes" that are imbedded in victims and are the hardest to overcome.

Thanks for listening. You will all be in my prayers,
Wantonica

 

[Don K Dyck]

Thank you for your comments Don K D.
When you say that there is no excuse for physical or emotional violence, I agree with you completely.
What I was talking about in my earlier posts was not an attempt toexcuse anyone for what they've done, but rather a part of my ongoing effort to understand what has happened.
I am not defending my father, I think he was and still is completely wrong.

I WILL NOT hurt anyone else as I've been hurt, and in order to avoid doing that, I feel that I have to know all the various ways ones insecurity and human weakness can betray them into doing so.

Hi Stilltrying, Sometimes unfortunately, there is no logical reason for physical and emotional violence, if kinda just happens, but is STILL inexcusable. Eventually the now developing links between behaviour, food, human genetics and environment will be better understood and preventative action may then be taken.

Until then the best alternative is developing a strong self-esteem in both yourself and your family by achieving things and praising the results while analysing the failures.

Self-esteem, or rather lack of it, is large in the background of violent people. So the easiest way to defeat the problem is to develop strong self-esteem that has a huge reservoir of success to absorb the failures and disappointments as they occur. This pool model requires, like a reservoir, constant refilling with success . . . a bit like the kisses bowl at the Literotica Bar.

Chasing the encyclopedia of human insecurity is both a thankless and negative task which emphasises failure rather than applaud the success that builds self-esteem. Your father has a problem. He chooses to not acknowledge that problem. You avoid him as a preventitive strategy. He suffers because he had a foul upbringing.

Now think positive. Build up your family with praise every time they do something right. heheheh . . . it is a great teaching strategy, gets all but the absolutely recalcitrant in line enjoying what they are doing. A former colleague of mine bemoaned the day that aussie teachers were forbidden to pat kids on the back or shoulder for their successful achievements. In his life-long teaching experience he believed that a pat on the back caused more motivation for students than any other single factor . . . especially for kids from dysfunctional homes where such demonstrations of approval were rare or absent.

You cannot change your father, only he can change himself. But you might like to try a little experiment and evaluate the results. Next time you visit, try to catch him doing something right, and praise him for his success. Don't do it too much, once or twice to begin with, and increase the number of times with each visit.

Another very experienced senior colleague/mentor reckoned that speaking softly to kids was always the best way to communicate . . . it made them stop what they were doing and concentrate on what you were saying so that they got the message.

But the best way is to live life and love passionately.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Thank You...

I signed on today after a long weekend away and wanted to thank all of you who responded to my post. You are very caring and supportive people.

It seems especially difficult to deal with sexual abuse when it has happened to your children. As a parent, you would like to think that you can protect them from things like that. By the time our situation came to light, the kids were nearly teens. My son had stopped his own attacks, and believed he had stopped them from happening to his sister also. It was devastating for him to find out he hadn't been the Superman he thought he was. I was very shocked, very angry, and my (now ex) husband wouldn't allow the children or I to participate in the court hearings in any way. My son still refuses to talk about it with anyone, and he is grown now. My daughter went to counseling, but has since gone into a downward spiral of promiscuity. She seems to allow herself to be degraded and punished by young men. It has been a hard road, and her end of the tunnel has yet to show light. If I try to help her, she accuses me of thinking she is a whore.

Can you help someone get over abuse? Only to a point... after being with a physically abusive man for many years, I still flinch when a hand gets too close to my face. I'm not afraid of being hit when this happens, it is just an automatic reflex. Unfortunately, it is the "automatic reflexes" that are imbedded in victims and are the hardest to overcome.

Thanks for listening. You will all be in my prayers,
Wantonica

Hi Wantonica, it is extremely painful watching your children destroying themselves, or being unhappy when you can do nothing about it.

My release from suppressed memories and fears came at a seven day silent retreat. At the final meeting all 20-odd participants shared their life experiences. Compared to some of thoe people, I had got off very easy . . . It was a gentle, long post- Bethel recovery that continues even today, some 18 months later. PM me if you would like some details of the books used in this aussie programme based on two Californian books.