How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

I'm very glad to see that this thread exists and if I can find the time, I'm going to read all the way through to see what's been said so far.

At the risk of potentially repeating something that's already been said, I'll point out from my own perspective that the title of the thread "how do you help someone get over being abused' is perhaps a bit misleading because I don't think that you ever really do 'get over' being abused. It's more a matter of learning how to deal with the effects.
I've spent my whole life dealing with (or running away from), the effects of having been abused as a boy, and I don't ever see myself being entirely 'normal', as in, 'the way I probably would have been if I'd never been abused in the first place'. Some of the changes are so basic and fundamental that they now, for better or worse, are a part of 'me'.

But as I mentioned earlier, I realize that this may have already been covered in which case I'm merely restating the obvious.

Thank you to everyone who's kept this thread alive because there are always new people joining.

EDIT: I can see from just the few posts that I've read so far, that my idea of what this thread was about is a bit different than what you are mainly talking about here.
I'll leave my comments in case anyone else drops in and makes the same mistake that I did.
Is there a thread about childhood sexual abuse here somewhere? Does anyone know?
thanks
st

When I started this thread it was searching for ways to help a lady who I had got to know through posts in a thread who confessed her depression was winning & desired life to end which I couldn't see happen & spent quite some time just trying to convince her that things can be better & only recently she has conqured even more of her DEMONS to feel slightly less stressed about being with a man.She is a wonderful lady regardless of the pain both physical & mental that she spent so many years enduring.

We all realise that total healing is never going to happen but discovering that PPL do CARE & DO treat ladies with all the respect they deserve.This is what was meant by getting over abuse, learning to cope & knowing that you can be in charge without the fears of the past ruining you future.

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm still trying, too.

Like you, I haven't and cannot make my way through this thread, its just too hard.
First, from the 30+ years I've spent allowing others inside, I know that for myself, there is only so much another person can do to "help" me. A person can hold you, comfort you, express sorrow and anger, they can promise to try to understand why you are the way you are, they can offer you their shoulder. They can tell you about other people they know and what they did...they can bleed for you. But ya know, this kind of turmoil, sexual, emotional and physical abuse is a stain on the soul and for me, there is a part of it that just doesn't go away. No matter what. It happened, and though therapy and soul sweating hard work enables you to once again function, there isn't a force on this earth that can wipe that slate clean.
How can you ever go back to the child you were before you were raped?
How can you ever forget the anger, the heart breaking pain, behind the belt that marred your body for days?
How do you ever undo the crippling twist that being under another persons will, being forced into submitting to anothers will, does to your spirit, to your mind?
You don't.
You go on, you work your butt off trying to be a better person, trying to keep your heart from going cold and black, learning how to simply feel again. Then one day you are finally ready to tackle the monster that TRUST is, and God bless you when you do.

But you realize that in the end, you will never be normal. You will never be like other children that grew up normally, that go on to have healthy relationships with others. You learn that there is a part of you that you will always sit huddled with, in your little childlike heart, just gripping because it is the only real security you will ever possess. In the end, you just don't "give up" your soul so freely...once someone takes it and bends it to their own, you guard it with your life.

You go on.

You fight for everything you never had, for what you believe in, for all that is every human beings most basic need. You face down your anger for all that was taken from you, your innocence, your ability to trust, your most basic belief in the good of others...
You fight to make lemonade of the lemons life dealt you. You do it alone, so that someday you live a life of your own making, on your own terms, strong and secure, within yourself. It is only then that you can share yourself with someone else...freely.
Thats one hell of a beautiful thing, and sometimes, its the only thing you have left.

You go on, you find something to believe in. You take baby steps, ever so slowly. When you reach that solid ground, you take another, always pushing for more....and you just keep going on and on, and on.

stilltrying, I don't know if there is such a thread, but please feel free to start one if you'd like.

This thread has had me shed more tears with every post about what ppl have suffered but on the up side we have seen many start to take control of their lives again & to discover that they are all worthwhile ppl again.As you point out there is nothing that will erase the pain totally it is that we want to be here for those that need us & those who now know that their is the feedom to trust even if it isn't total trust.

As for starting another thread PLEASE make this the place as it is here in an effort to help ALL who waish to find ppl who understand the horrors that each has to deal with 24/7.

There are ppl here who just care about their fellow humans as well as survivers.

 

[Gil_T2]

OH TO HAVE A MAGIC WAND OR POTION to remove all the horrors,DEMONS & pain that every person has endured.

 

[stilltrying]

Hello to everyone and thank you for the kind welcome.
intrigued says:

How can you ever go back to the child you were before you were raped?
How can you ever forget the anger, the heart breaking pain, behind the belt that marred your body for days?
How do you ever undo the crippling twist that being under another persons will, being forced into submitting to anothers will, does to your spirit, to your mind?
You don't.

And I quite agree. As I mentioned in my previous post, there is no way to start over with, as you say, a 'blank slate'.
I've long had two full time crews working in my brain -- one which frantically constructs defensive walls and barriers, and another that tears them down -- and despite the fact that this takes an enormous amount of the energy and effort that I could be using for more constructive purposes, I can no more get rid of the former than I can afford to do without the latter.
intrigued goes on to say:

You go on, you work your butt off trying to be a better person, trying to keep your heart from going cold and black, learning how to simply feel again.Then one day you are finally ready to tackle the monster that TRUST is, and God bless you when you do.

Trust is something I've only managed to achieve on rare occasions and the relief, the utter and profound RELIEF of being able to let your guard down for even a moment is indescribable.
I agree that your ability to trust grows along with your self confidence but it's a slippery slope because the stronger you are, the harder you are, and the harder you are, the more brittle you become, and the more brittle you've become, the more easily you shatter.
The eternal 'arms race' can quickly become self defeating if you aren't careful.
So ultimately you are right...you take baby steps and fight your past with one hand while reaching for your future with the other.
It isn't worth it to think about what you could do, or could have done if you'd had both hands free because you don't and you never will.

Wolf Song, thank you for your comments.
I appreciate your posting the links for me, and as soon as I've finished writing this, I'll check some of them out.
Most of all I appreciate your comment that:

... your a special person whom has been through a lot who is no lesser than those you deem as " normal "

It's difficult sometimes to keep this in mind because there is a tendency to see your own flaws more clearly than you see your own strengths. So when I look at myself I often see where I fall short of being what I want to be, and not where I excel my own expectations and it's nice to be reminded that this isn't fair or accurate.

BrownEyes26, I'm very well thank you.
I'm impressed to hear that you'll be doing counseling, and I applaud your efforts in advance. If there were any one bit of advice that I could give you, speaking as one who has been both raped and abused, it is to keep in mind what it feels like to be standing on the edge of a cliff. This is an especially apt analogy if you are at all afraid of heights, because then you'll really understand what it can feel like for the subjects you'll be counseling to get near the memory of their abuse.
You feel that if you get too close, you'll fall in and never get back out again.
So you'll get many who will talk 'around' it, but few who feel safe enough to reach out and touch it directly.
You'll need to be their anchor, to give them something solid to hold onto while they lean out over the edge and look down.
It's a big job and you have my respect for taking it on.

Wantonica, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your children. I do not know you of course, but for what it's worth I will offer to talk to you about any of my experiences if you think it might help. I was sexually abused and raped when I was a boy, and can maybe give you some insight into what your kids are going through.
Mostly I wish you the best and if it's any consolation, you will be able to do a great deal of good just because you know it's happened. Good luck to you and your family.

And finally Gil_T2, thank you for starting this thread and for helping to keep it such an open and sharing place.

 

[Wolf_Song]

To be quite honest, I am not even going to read this thread. When my kids were almost teens, I learned they had been molested by their uncle in their young years. Darn good thing he got sent to prison for getting caught with my neice. He did 2 years, admitted to messing with six kids, including mine. I'd still hurt him if I saw him again, but in any case... my daughter is a sexual mess. I will try to read this thread, just venting a bit.

Happy days,
Lascivious Wanton

Understandable in your not wishing to read this thread, but it may help to understand more what your kids went through. And as well their uncle abused trust of every one including yourself. With wanting you to know its not your fault that it happened. Which is something common that abused and loved ones inevitably face. Placing blame upon themselves, it happens to every one in how they run themselves down over it.

Its an emotional rollercoaster of feelings running rampant to go through it. Whether the direct victim(s) or any one close to them. As all become victims in their own way. With many types of counselors and professionals for dealing in each perspective. Plus so many alike herein whom share heartedly and openmindedly.

Plus of note it is highly likely the uncle in jail most likely got his in many ways. As he falls into the " skinner " category by those in prison with him as a sexual offender. And they are treated rather roughly by other inmates.. to say the least.

You, your kids and other children didnt do any thing wrong. Each did they best they knew at the time to deal with things. Together and individually you will heal more over time with much yet to face. And want to thank you in having so courageously come forth as you have. That took a lot of character and shows all the more the love you have for your children. Your undoubtedly a wonderful person and mother. My compliments, admiration and respect to you in the highest.

Peace to your heart golden ( hugs for you and the children )

 

[Wolf_Song]

Hello to everyone and thank you for the kind welcome.

Hello again and hope your day is going grandly
<snip>

Wolf Song, thank you for your comments.
I appreciate your posting the links for me, and as soon as I've finished writing this, I'll check some of them out.

Your welcome sir and thank you for every thing you have shared as well.

Most of all I appreciate your comment that:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
... your a special person whom has been through a lot who is no lesser than those you deem as " normal "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's difficult sometimes to keep this in mind because there is a tendency to see your own flaws more clearly than you see your own strengths. So when I look at myself I often see where I fall short of being what I want to be, and not where I excel my own expectations and it's nice to be reminded that this isn't fair or accurate.

Am glad the comment is appreciated as it is fully the truth. Which is growing inside of and appreciated in you and all others herein. Some times its hard when the traumas emotionally unleash internal overload. But its the special people with the self that gets one through this.

One that often works in many situations is to stop every thing that are doing. Close eyes with concentrating only on counting to yourself will often offer brief respites. Another is to close eyes and relax in what ever position comfortable and focus upon those whom really make you feel good about life.

With meditation being excellent for any one, whether trained or in self study. It among the many conventional and unconventional ways of learning of self and world are wonderful to enjoy. As the healing grows within, every thing heals outwardly to in how one views and reacts in every thing.

<snip>

And finally Gil_T2, thank you for starting this thread and for helping to keep it such an open and sharing place.

My thanks again to Gil as well in his starting it for a friend. With so many more friendships and sharings growing herein. And what he has done proves of how much can be accomplished with a random act of unselfish love for another. Which all of you are a part of and share in.. wonderfully so.

 

[Gil_T2]

All abusers are the lowest form of life on this planet & they have no ligitimate excuse for thier actions EVER but the abuse of children is even lower than anything & I think any normal person would want to inflict a million times more physical & emotional pain on them for as long as they draw breath but also making it long & slow so they learn what they have put their victims through.

As this thread grew I read every post everyone posted & I've had to stop because I was crying so much I could no longer read but if you go back to near the front & read KIKI's posts you can see her slow but steady recovery, SHE know there is still a very long way to go & at the moment is away from LIT because she is suffering on going problems caused by the many years of physical abuse she suffered but I am so glad she is with us on this earth because she is a very wonderful person.SHE has shown me that she is much stronger that she thinks & now know she is the lady she never thought she was.She admits that it is a constant battle even though she knows now there are NICE guys who do NOT abuse out there.

And as my & her sig lines say we have a bond that WILL go unbroken for ever more.

 

[Wolf_Song]

All abusers are the lowest form of life on this planet & they have no ligitimate excuse for thier actions EVER but the abuse of children is even lower than anything & I think any normal person would want to inflict a million times more physical & emotional pain on them for as long as they draw breath but also making it long & slow so they learn what they have put their victims through.

Aye, abusers are twisted creatures with one of the worst aspects that some dont know what they are doing is wrong. With thinking of only their own warped wants. And not giving enough consideration to the rights or lives of innocents. Having confronted many abusers over the years my personal opinion for the worst types of offenders is a life sentence in jail.

As the sentence they inflict upon victim is often for a life time to.
With many ending up unable to conquer the trauma whether as victim or a loved one. Yet many struggle through the traumas and know happiness often thought forever taken away. They dont give up in hope or actions for better tomorrows and neither do I.

As this thread grew I read every post everyone posted & I've had to stop because I was crying so much I could no longer read but if you go back to near the front & read KIKI's posts you can see her slow but steady recovery, SHE know there is still a very long way to go & at the moment is away from LIT because she is suffering on going problems caused by the many years of physical abuse she suffered but I am so glad she is with us on this earth because she is a very wonderful person.SHE has shown me that she is much stronger that she thinks & now know she is the lady she never thought she was.She admits that it is a constant battle even though she knows now there are NICE guys who do NOT abuse out there.

Tears are a beautiful thing and when one can cry it shows so much more their heart. And saw to how Kiki and several others have grown all the stronger.. including you Gil. Even for those unaccustomed to being around abuse it takes great amounts of courage in seeking to understand or even be around it after the fact.

Kiki and all the ladies and gentlemen herein whom have come forth to share are amazing beautiful people. With there being here and many places people whom know better than to abuse in any fashion. And they alike every special person herein.. truly deserve each other in hearts golden.

And as my & her sig lines say we have a bond that WILL go unbroken for ever more.

Love is truly timeless when there are so many special in ones heart.

Wishing the best to those down under and up over.

( with hugs for any whom wish them )

 

[BrownEyes26]

BrownEyes26, I'm very well thank you.
I'm impressed to hear that you'll be doing counseling, and I applaud your efforts in advance. If there were any one bit of advice that I could give you, speaking as one who has been both raped and abused, it is to keep in mind what it feels like to be standing on the edge of a cliff. This is an especially apt analogy if you are at all afraid of heights, because then you'll really understand what it can feel like for the subjects you'll be counseling to get near the memory of their abuse.
You feel that if you get too close, you'll fall in and never get back out again.
So you'll get many who will talk 'around' it, but few who feel safe enough to reach out and touch it directly.
You'll need to be their anchor, to give them something solid to hold onto while they lean out over the edge and look down.
It's a big job and you have my respect for taking it on.

]

Thanks so much. I really appreciate all of the support that I have gotten from this thread, from everybody. Take care all.
BE26

 

[Gil_T2]

Wishing the best to those down under and up over.

( with hugs for any whom wish them )

I have suffered abuse too but only emotional from a lady I was so in love with I haven't been able to commit since & have NOT had the chance to try now I understand it wasn't my fault due to my failing health.

I was luckier than most as I could enjoy being with a lady but just couldn'r enter a commitment which cost me relationships since my marrage ended.

But I don't class my experience in the same way that all the others have suffered because they had BOTH physical & mental destroying their self worth.

 

[babydoll_73]

I had a horrible week with me now having a broken leg(2 places) I will tell the story one day soon

 

[Noor]

this is not working

 

[Noor]

I had a horrible week with me now having a broken leg(2 places) I will tell the story one day soon

I am sorry to hear that, babydoll. I know what a badly broken leg is. I was in a chair and then crutches for 2 yrs, but I walk pretty okay now. Therapy was very hard because I really don't like to be touched by strangers but I was lucky I eventually found a small PT place where I am comfortable with everyone there, the strange thing is they are all men.

I have had a not so great past few weeks but no broken bones.

I think one of the big problems with having been abused is that when someone does or says something that is typical of an abuser all sorts of bells and whistles go off in your brain even though they have might have had no intention of being abusive.
It hard to accept that they didn't mean it that way when you feel the familiar I must walk on eggshells feeling and don’t feel free to be yourself and express your feelings.

Also there a tremendous hurt and fear when you have let someone in and they do stuff like that, especially when they know you have been abused. And you can't help but wonder are they doing this on purpose?

 

[Gil_T2]

I had a horrible week with me now having a broken leg(2 places) I will tell the story one day soon

I have sent you a PM if you do not want to say anything here but all here are here to help you & anyone else who desires we are not trained just ppl who have been there or care.

 

[Gil_T2]

I am sorry to hear that, babydoll. I know what a badly broken leg is. I was in a chair and then crutches for 2 yrs, but I walk pretty okay now. Therapy was very hard because I really don't like to be touched by strangers but I was lucky I eventually found a small PT place where I am comfortable with everyone there, the strange thing is they are all men.

I have had a not so great past few weeks but no broken bones.

I think one of the big problems with having been abused is that when someone does or says something that is typical of an abuser all sorts of bells and whistles go off in your brain even though they have might have had no intention of being abusive.
It hard to accept that they didn't mean it that way when you feel the familiar I must walk on eggshells feeling and don’t feel free to be yourself and express your feelings.

Also there a tremendous hurt and fear when you have let someone in and they do stuff like that, especially when they know you have been abused. And you can't help but wonder are they doing this on purpose?

I'm so glad your leg has healed so well but regret that the mind can NOT heal as easy even though you did say it was a long slow process with your leg the mind does hold things we all wish we could rid our selves of.

 

[Wolf_Song]

I have suffered abuse too but only emotional from a lady I was so in love with I haven't been able to commit since & have NOT had the chance to try now I understand it wasn't my fault due to my failing health.

Exactly, you hit it right the nail on the head.. " it's not your fault ". The being unable to commit isnt something wrong with you either. Its a natural process of healing which is heightened by sensitivity of past hurts. With not wishing to hurt another accordingly or be hurt thusly in return. We all have walls/ comfort boundaries and those that really care respect them in the highest.

I was luckier than most as I could enjoy being with a lady but just couldn'r enter a commitment which cost me relationships since my marrage ended.

It is hard when one has been been hurt in trust, love and communication foundations of relationships. Though the positive people in ones life help nurture these back. The negative people think only of themselves and can cause damage. Which makes for more healing time, but also makes the positive people shine all the brighter in ones heart. Alike so many herein, whom I compliment again. Every one of you is a special positive person.

But I don't class my experience in the same way that all the others have suffered because they had BOTH physical & mental destroying their self worth.

I utmostly respect your opinion in this but personally feel abuse is still abuse, no matter the form. With the emotional aspects being the hardest to deal with depending upon abuses and each person being an individual and reacting accordingly. Abuse in any form is wrong and world societies needs to address and handle them better.

Though the self worth can be seemingly destroyed it is still within an abused as well. It just isnt seen and is clouded by multiple types of pain under layers of trauma. As each trauma is dealt with that self worth surfaces again and is something truly heart warmingly beautiful when blooms forth.

Gil, peace wished to yours and every ones hearts.

 

[Noor]

I'm so glad your leg has healed so well but regret that the mind can NOT heal as easy even though you did say it was a long slow process with your leg the mind does hold things we all wish we could rid our selves of.

Well, yes and no. It is very easy for someone who has been abused to get involved with an abusive person so when the warning signs are there, it is important to hear them.

There are many times when usually decent people do abusive things like withhold communication, affection in an attempt to control situations they are uncomfortable with. It isn't right, but people who have not been abused probably just get mad and dealt with it, whereas it puts me in a tailspin of sorts, where I am not sure I can ever have faith in that person again.

 

[Wolf_Song]

I had a horrible week with me now having a broken leg(2 places) I will tell the story one day soon

Sorry to hear of such a horrible week with having leg broken thusly. And do hope every thing gets better sooner than later.. you deserve it. As far as your story goes.. you will tell it when you are ready to do so. And even getting to such a point in mentioning it even in the vaguest to another is a tremendous act of hearted courage. My sincerest compliments.

Wishing you the best in recovery with leg and all else.

( With hugs.. if accepted )

 

[Wolf_Song]

I am sorry to hear that, babydoll. I know what a badly broken leg is. I was in a chair and then crutches for 2 yrs, but I walk pretty okay now. Therapy was very hard because I really don't like to be touched by strangers but I was lucky I eventually found a small PT place where I am comfortable with everyone there, the strange thing is they are all men.

And shows all the more your healing with knowing that those men respect you personally and professionally. With out them being judgemental, which is an uplifting relief all its own.

I have had a not so great past few weeks but no broken bones.

I think one of the big problems with having been abused is that when someone does or says something that is typical of an abuser all sorts of bells and whistles go off in your brain even though they have might have had no intention of being abusive.
It hard to accept that they didn't mean it that way when you feel the familiar I must walk on eggshells feeling and don’t feel free to be yourself and express your feelings.

Is hard to deal with such reactions and as you say even harder to communicate. Plus the overwhelming flurry of over analyzing that seems to pour forth. A lot of what helps in that is learning more of ones self and those whom were the abusers or around it directly or indirectly. Which helps to understand the past all the more and as well give others and even ones self a chance to enjoy personal interactions all the more. And though it isnt often mentioned, past abuses can trigger emotional bursts in professional environments to.

Also there a tremendous hurt and fear when you have let someone in and they do stuff like that, especially when they know you have been abused. And you can't help but wonder are they doing this on purpose?

As well there is the fear of the one in relationship whom hasnt been abused of not wanting to create those situations of abuse flashbacks. They end up walking on eggshells and often end up over compensating in that or trying to help the other person to much. This can lead to many things where the previously abused feels like they are being treated like a patient or potentially become an abuser emotionally to the other person. Which adds stress to the relationship and takes huge amounts of love with patience some times to carry them even a short time.

" And you can't help but wonder are they doing this on purpose? ". Many dont unless they want out of the relationship or are an abuser themselves. Though many to make honest mistakes in this with out meaning any harm but end up hurting another accidentally. Due to vulnerabilities which can be nurtured gently by a positivie person. Or the vulnerabilities are targeted by cowardly bully types whom are viciously malicious in multiple hurtful ways.

Its not easy for any to deal with abuse recovery, whether as victim or being a positive person in their life. Though there are those special people out there whom brighten hearts with their sweetest caring gentleness. Its the best that we see in others that is a part of what each we are.. even when we dont see it. Its still there in you Noor, with all herein and shining in so many others to.

( more hugs for any whom wish them )

 

[Wolf_Song]

Well, yes and no. It is very easy for someone who has been abused to get involved with an abusive person so when the warning signs are there, it is important to hear them.

Yes, this what you speak of is when the abused becomes institutionalized. Where they do what they are most used to in being around abusive person(s) is what they know and are used to as an environment. Which is due to self esteem being lowered by betrayal of others whom have broken trust with abusive actions.

And your totally right on important to know of the warning signs. As in time one learns when such are real warnings or anxiety like due to trauma. In either case are worth listening to and addressing with self and or other(s), which one learns better over time.

There are many times when usually decent people do abusive things like withhold communication, affection in an attempt to control situations they are uncomfortable with. It isn't right, but people who have not been abused probably just get mad and dealt with it, whereas it puts me in a tailspin of sorts, where I am not sure I can ever have faith in that person again.

Those people whom with hold such are as you say plus some cant find it in themselves what to express or dont feel able to.

With regards to " that person " you spoke of. It is confrontation on several levels that will be addressed in time. With self, them and many in your life. Communicating to the abuser where they stand in your life can be done directly or to ones self in thought, writing or sharing with other(s).

The tailspin as you call it is an an emotional roller coaster which can be dealt with in many ways. Taking time out now and then to self whether in thoughts, writing, meditation, things you find pleasure in and even one of the best being heart to heart talks with other(s) or even self.

Plus mulitple ways of self discovery are great to. In my journey this included psychological, spiritual/ psychic and numerological evaluations. Remarkably each type complimented and vastly showed many similiar conclusions. Which helped me to know more of myself and better understand the interactions with self and others. With understanding more which were old wounds and what was just me as an individual.

I wish you well upon this and all journies Noor.

( hugs included.. if so wished )

 

[Noor]

Wolf Song- The tail spin that I was referring to was making the decision to stick around and talk it out or just walk away. The type of decision everyone makes when there is conflict. My usually nature would be to talk it out, try and understand why, then make my feelings understood, try to find a middle ground where everyone is at least not upset with each other. Under normal conditions I would do this, however when what I see and feel is emotional abuse, part of me goes cold and wants to run away as fast as I can even though I am not sure it is the best thing to do.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Wolf Song- The tail spin that I was referring to was making the decision to stick around and talk it out or just walk away. The type of decision everyone makes when there is conflict. My usually nature would be to talk it out, try and understand why, then make my feelings understood, try to find a middle ground where everyone is at least not upset with each other. Under normal conditions I would do this, however when what I see and feel is emotional abuse, part of me goes cold and wants to run away as fast as I can even though I am not sure it is the best thing to do.

Perhaps writing down and looking at what you would like to talk about to with them. And it may take talking to several in separate talks to deal with it. As well there is the option of professional counselors in every type of abuse. Whom can help you to address your own pains plus help you plan to deal with others. Whether as a game plan or them come and have the counselor acting in a mediator/ counseling role. Plus the choices you have are yours which you can look at and even try several of them should situations make it so. With there being great people here to talk to as well. Making your options all the more in actions and support.

I dont know precise details of your own situation Noor which leads to myself and others being limited in suggestions. But wont pry as I know how hard it can be to open up to an abuser or even one loved. Small steps is what it takes in a lot where the decisions are yours in reaching out for help or acting in each step.

Running is usually only an answer if it physically protects some one to do so. Especially if children are involved. As even in running the pain still eats at a person. But time outs now and then to self or with those whom have your best interests at heart is wonderful. With being noted that moving on in life and running are seperate things. And I wont pry you for details of your situation as I know how hard it can be to open up in multiple areas. But will instead share some of my own experiences. Which may perhaps help yourself or others in some way.


For my own situation it was my parents whom snubbed two of my younger siblings as adults when they tried to talk to them about it. Which quite frankly ticked me off. Which lead to my going around and talking to individuals from both sides of the family. To not only understand my parents better. But also to see how much others knew of what was going on. Which I was able to learn in both and as well told those relatives bluntly what thought of them turning a blind eye. And ended up helping them improve relations and communications for many relatives as a result.

Then I confronted my parents in their own home as politely as could manage. Told them how their snubbing of siblings in this brought me to talking to relatives and now wanted to hear their side of the story. They of course tried to dance around the subject but let them know I wasnt leaving till they listened to what I had to say. My father actually came around a bit with some creative debate and dialogue shared. But my mother was another matter and is one of those people whom has the mindset of never being in the wrong.

When felt that had accomplished as much could with parents then. I let them know that I didnt hate nor love them but felt neutral towards them. With letting them know that such wasnt said in spite, but was what I truly felt then with where I was progressed to as a person then. As well told them that would appreciate it if they could find it in themselves to apologize to my younger siblings. Or at least try and explain things as best they could to them.

The physical family violence ended when I was nearly thirteen. My father went to back hand my mother. Then I growled as he raised his hand. He yelled " DONT YOU FUCKING SNARL AT ME ", to which I roared in reply then we had at it. A short time later my mother went to blind side me in the head with a stick. Which I caught and told her never to harm my younger siblings again. Neither of them has ever hit any one physically since. But the emotional dysfunctions and other types of fighting continued.

Its different feelings when so young in being able to physically protect your younger siblings. Yet dont know what to do beyond that and realizing that beating up parents regularily in revenge wasnt a solution. So did best as was able for many years in protecting and helping people as schedules allowed. Even with working when young and lending parents money as things werent so financially great. Then leaving home as early as possible and help younger siblings and others get set up in life.

Though abuse fuels many diverse emotions.. rage was the hardest for me to control. With having grown up knowing what is like to get beat with fists, boots, sticks, hammers, tools and many other creative impliments. Plus physically stepping often through school and in to most of adult life when ever saw some person(s) being abusive. It was the same rage that got me through even more violent situations in life. Where to many of them I dont know why didnt die other than it wasnt my time yet. Which creates a special appreciation for life and especially lives of others.

But it was the gentlest of people that really made the difference for me. They are truly the strongest of any one. As in them I learned to open up more and truly begin to learn of multiple beauties of life, especially love. They accepted me for me no matter what my past or actions had been. Which helped me to accept being a lover and a fighter as an individual. With from young having sought to learn a lot about every thing with reading and other means. But it was gentle heart to heart sharings where learned the most and best lessons of self and others.

Every story that is in this thread I have been around in some fashion before. It is hard to go through the paces of healing from abuse.. to put it mildly. As it can also be hard for those trying to help in the healing or those whom havent even heard of such before. But sooner or later every one has to deal with it in some fashion in life. It exists in more places than most know from childhood to adulthood personal and professional areas. Its definitely wrong, not something to be swept under the carpet and gradually more people are becoming aware of it.

Abuse can be a vicious circle in how it affects so many as individuals and in multiple types of relationships. Especially where love, trust and communication are so hard to deal with for victims and loved ones. With the one thing that is perhaps the worst in abuse where carries over generationally. Which frankly I wont be a part of in having taken myself apart and rebuilding the real me.
With always being thankful to those gentlest in my heart.

In each situation it is ultimately the choices of the abused (victims and loved ones ) which lead to putting their lives back together. Even though the abusers took things from you.. they cant keep them forever. You are yourself a brilliant wonderful positive person whom deserves the best of self and others. I believe in you and always will.

Every one has to make stands in life and good people, especially children are worth it.



( hearty hugs and handshakes for any whom wish them )

 

[kikmosa]

I'm very glad to see that this thread exists and if I can find the time, I'm going to read all the way through to see what's been said so far.

At the risk of potentially repeating something that's already been said, I'll point out from my own perspective that the title of the thread "how do you help someone get over being abused' is perhaps a bit misleading because I don't think that you ever really do 'get over' being abused. It's more a matter of learning how to deal with the effects.
I've spent my whole life dealing with (or running away from), the effects of having been abused as a boy, and I don't ever see myself being entirely 'normal', as in, 'the way I probably would have been if I'd never been abused in the first place'. Some of the changes are so basic and fundamental that they now, for better or worse, are a part of 'me'.

But as I mentioned earlier, I realize that this may have already been covered in which case I'm merely restating the obvious.

Thank you to everyone who's kept this thread alive because there are always new people joining.

EDIT: I can see from just the few posts that I've read so far, that my idea of what this thread was about is a bit different than what you are mainly talking about here.
I'll leave my comments in case anyone else drops in and makes the same mistake that I did.
Is there a thread about childhood sexual abuse here somewhere? Does anyone know?
thanks
st

Welcome Stilltrying. Though this thread does contain a lot about abuse in adult years It's here for those that were abused in childhood also. Some of the people posting here were abused as children and as adults. I personally feel that child abuse is the worse form of abuse. All form are horrible but children are supposed to be nurtured, protected and cherished, not hurt.
Please, even if you find a thread for child abuse, continue postinf here as well. Maybe one of us can do or say something that will make a difference in your life. Or maybe you will do or say something that will help one of us. There's no way of knowing but I feel that if a person posts here then they are led to be here for a reason. Please, give that reason a chance to show itself.
If nothing else, this is a great place to talk. There are many fantastic people here that truly care. There is so much support here to help hold us up as we deal with our demons. No one has to go through it alone here. There is always someone to care here.
Just give us a chance. ((((gentle hug))))

 

[kikmosa]

I'm still trying, too.

Like you, I haven't and cannot make my way through this thread, its just too hard.
First, from the 30+ years I've spent allowing others inside, I know that for myself, there is only so much another person can do to "help" me. A person can hold you, comfort you, express sorrow and anger, they can promise to try to understand why you are the way you are, they can offer you their shoulder. They can tell you about other people they know and what they did...they can bleed for you. But ya know, this kind of turmoil, sexual, emotional and physical abuse is a stain on the soul and for me, there is a part of it that just doesn't go away. No matter what. It happened, and though therapy and soul sweating hard work enables you to once again function, there isn't a force on this earth that can wipe that slate clean.
How can you ever go back to the child you were before you were raped?
How can you ever forget the anger, the heart breaking pain, behind the belt that marred your body for days?
How do you ever undo the crippling twist that being under another persons will, being forced into submitting to anothers will, does to your spirit, to your mind?
You don't.
You go on, you work your butt off trying to be a better person, trying to keep your heart from going cold and black, learning how to simply feel again. Then one day you are finally ready to tackle the monster that TRUST is, and God bless you when you do.

But you realize that in the end, you will never be normal. You will never be like other children that grew up normally, that go on to have healthy relationships with others. You learn that there is a part of you that you will always sit huddled with, in your little childlike heart, just gripping because it is the only real security you will ever possess. In the end, you just don't "give up" your soul so freely...once someone takes it and bends it to their own, you guard it with your life.

You go on.

You fight for everything you never had, for what you believe in, for all that is every human beings most basic need. You face down your anger for all that was taken from you, your innocence, your ability to trust, your most basic belief in the good of others...
You fight to make lemonade of the lemons life dealt you. You do it alone, so that someday you live a life of your own making, on your own terms, strong and secure, within yourself. It is only then that you can share yourself with someone else...freely.
Thats one hell of a beautiful thing, and sometimes, its the only thing you have left.

You go on, you find something to believe in. You take baby steps, ever so slowly. When you reach that solid ground, you take another, always pushing for more....and you just keep going on and on, and on.

stilltrying, I don't know if there is such a thread, but please feel free to start one if you'd like.

Welcome Intrigued. Your very right. You can never go back and be what you were before. That child or person is gone forever. We can't go back, but we can go forward. As you said, one tiny step at a time. Don't look so far ahead that you can't see where you are now. Keep your eye on that next step. And then the next one and the next. Rebuild your life a piece at a time. Only by rebuilding do we take control back into our own hands and show those who held us down that we are the winners and they are the losers. We are the stronger and they are just the dirt beneath our feet.

 

[kikmosa]

To be quite honest, I am not even going to read this thread. When my kids were almost teens, I learned they had been molested by their uncle in their young years. Darn good thing he got sent to prison for getting caught with my neice. He did 2 years, admitted to messing with six kids, including mine. I'd still hurt him if I saw him again, but in any case... my daughter is a sexual mess. I will try to read this thread, just venting a bit.

Happy days,
Lascivious Wanton

Welcome Wantonica. I'm so sorry to hear what your children went through. As I said earlier, and Gil also, child abuse is the worse form of abuse there is. To take a small, innocent child and harm it in any way is completely dispicable.
I hope that they can find a way to deal with this and come out on top. It's not something that will go away though. They will be dealing with it for a long time to come. There will be days that will be bad but there will also be good days. And over the years, with care and support, they will win. Just be there for them and love them as much and as hard as you can. Be their anchor and their shelter. And remember, they love you as much as you do them. My thoughts and prayer are with you all.