How do you help someone get over being abused

[babydoll_73]

I decided that I should say what happened to me last week. It is eating me up inside because while my family is there they can't fully understand what I have been going through for years.

I live with my dad and my brother comes over on Mondays to watch wrestling. We have gotten in fights before but he was just in a bad mood. I was upset at him because he was washing clothes when I was trying to take a shower and the water kept changing temps. He came up the stairs after me and after a shouting match he started smacking me in the face. I tried to get into the bathroom or another room but he wouldn't let me. Then he shoved me and I fell down the stairs. That is the last thing I remember. Then I wake up in the hospital with my leg broken in 2 places and my stomache and chest bruised. My neighbors heard us argueing and I guess heard me fall. (They live in the house next door and thankfully were outside) They called the police and eventually arrested my brother. I pressed charges. Thankfully I didn't miscarry and I just found out I was pregnant yesterday.

 

[Noor]

I decided that I should say what happened to me last week. It is eating me up inside because while my family is there they can't fully understand what I have been going through for years.

I live with my dad and my brother comes over on Mondays to watch wrestling. We have gotten in fights before but he was just in a bad mood. I was upset at him because he was washing clothes when I was trying to take a shower and the water kept changing temps. He came up the stairs after me and after a shouting match he started smacking me in the face. I tried to get into the bathroom or another room but he wouldn't let me. Then he shoved me and I fell down the stairs. That is the last thing I remember. Then I wake up in the hospital with my leg broken in 2 places and my stomache and chest bruised. My neighbors heard us argueing and I guess heard me fall. (They live in the house next door and thankfully were outside) They called the police and eventually arrested my brother. I pressed charges. Thankfully I didn't miscarry and I just found out I was pregnant yesterday.

I am so sorry to hear this, it is just horrible!

What is wrong with your brother? Where was your father? Will you get a restraining order? Can you tell your family about the past at least enough to let them know this isn't an isolated incident?

 

[Wolf_Song]

Re: Thank You...

I signed on today after a long weekend away and wanted to thank all of you who responded to my post. You are very caring and supportive people.

As are you a very caring and supportive person and show all the more love in your heart, especially for your family. Thank you for every thing that you are and have shared to.. it is very much appreciated.

It seems especially difficult to deal with sexual abuse when it has happened to your children. As a parent, you would like to think that you can protect them from things like that. By the time our situation came to light, the kids were nearly teens. My son had stopped his own attacks, and believed he had stopped them from happening to his sister also. It was devastating for him to find out he hadn't been the Superman he thought he was. I was very shocked, very angry, and my (now ex) husband wouldn't allow the children or I to participate in the court hearings in any way. My son still refuses to talk about it with anyone, and he is grown now. My daughter went to counseling, but has since gone into a downward spiral of promiscuity. She seems to allow herself to be degraded and punished by young men. It has been a hard road, and her end of the tunnel has yet to show light. If I try to help her, she accuses me of thinking she is a whore.

Your son will talk to you when he is ready to do so, such rage and hurt can take a long time to deal with in any fashion. With your daughter I can empathize in part what she and you are both going through. With so many lady friends and several ex girl friends whom have went through such. Its hard to see the ones whom havent started the upward spiral in the case of your daughter. But when she starts to know and appreciate herself more it will bring tears of happiness with a smile soaring from heart. When she is lashing out at you.. she isnt really lashing out at you specifically. She is lashing out at the pain of the traumas hitting her when it is mentioned. Its hard not to be hurt when she lashes out thusly, but please know its not your fault.. even though the words are hurtful.

Can you help someone get over abuse? Only to a point... after being with a physically abusive man for many years, I still flinch when a hand gets too close to my face. I'm not afraid of being hit when this happens, it is just an automatic reflex. Unfortunately, it is the "automatic reflexes" that are imbedded in victims and are the hardest to overcome.

You can help some one to a point as you say. With a lot of patience in nurturing the relationship with them in love, trust and communication. In rough example its like some one sitting on a street curb and totally down on themselves in life. You can do many things in such.. sit quietly and be there for them.. talk if they wish.. give a hug or shoulder for them if they wish.. or leave quietly with letting them know you are there for them if they wish you to go. Plus the shoe can be on the other foot when ones self is the one sitting at the curb in hearts pain. Where gentleness is very much needed.. but some times being blunt is the better choice. These among many choices are for you to face with son, daughter and self to.

For the flinching I found the best cure is massive amounts of cuddling and hugs. Where one lets all the defenses drop and enjoy the best of gentle sweet moments. And if ones partner isnt so cuddly.. one can point blank ask them now and then you need to be held. Its great for nurturing romance, love life, confidence, healing and more. Plus one thing that have recommended to many ladies is getting a cuddly teddy bear and think of some one special when they hug or hold it close.

There are other ways of assisting with the automatic reflexes to. Including the above mentioned cuddling and hugging. Plus many that involve building confidence. Multiple types of counseling, martial arts, meditation, exercise with many things that are fun, burn energy or are relaxing. Its exploring things that one may be interested in that helps to. With accomplishments enjoyed and as well taking leaps to try and not having regrets piling up.

Thanks for listening. You will all be in my prayers,
Wantonica

Thank you for listening to.. hearts blessings, positive thoughts and prayers shared to yourself and all.

( big ole hugs n hand shakes for any whom wish them to )

 

[Wolf_Song]

I decided that I should say what happened to me last week. It is eating me up inside because while my family is there they can't fully understand what I have been going through for years.

I live with my dad and my brother comes over on Mondays to watch wrestling. We have gotten in fights before but he was just in a bad mood. I was upset at him because he was washing clothes when I was trying to take a shower and the water kept changing temps. He came up the stairs after me and after a shouting match he started smacking me in the face. I tried to get into the bathroom or another room but he wouldn't let me. Then he shoved me and I fell down the stairs. That is the last thing I remember. Then I wake up in the hospital with my leg broken in 2 places and my stomache and chest bruised. My neighbors heard us argueing and I guess heard me fall. (They live in the house next door and thankfully were outside) They called the police and eventually arrested my brother. I pressed charges. Thankfully I didn't miscarry and I just found out I was pregnant yesterday.

Sorry to hear of what happened with your brother and you. Looks like a lot of heart to heart talks and counseling for several
in this situation is needed. Am really glad your neighbours called the police and you pressed charges as your brother needs to learn a few lessons. And there are several types of counseling available as the abuser and victim in this instance. For you and your brother. If your not aware of them in your area. Social services and law enforcement groups usually have contact information.

Whole family could use some therapy in this, plus hopefully is a wake up call for each in this to. Am glad to hear you didnt miscarry to and that is something that is special to deal with as well. And in any and all, you have great people to talk to here.

Thank you again for every thing shared so heartedly of yourself. You just did something amazingly wonderful in doing so and am very proud of and admire you in doing so.

Am glad you felt comfortable enough to share with all the great wonderful people herein. Because your a great and wonderful person to.. always.

( reassuring comforting hugs if so wished )

 

[babydoll_73]

I am so sorry to hear this, it is just horrible!

What is wrong with your brother? Where was your father? Will you get a restraining order? Can you tell your family about the past at least enough to let them know this isn't an isolated incident?

My father was at work. They know that it is not an isolated incident but none of them have ever had this happen to them and they don't think it should be going on(itshouldn't) but it is hard for them to understand. My fiance was beat by his step dad so he knows what I am going through. My brother will be in jail for a while then I will get a restraining order on him. I wish I knew what was wrong with him

 

[Wolf_Song]

Something a friend shared today;

There once was a little girl who had a bad temper. Her mother gave her a bag of nails and told her that every time she lost her temper, she must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the girl had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as she learned to control her anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. She discovered it was easier to hold her temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the girl didn't lose her temper at all.
She told her mother about it and the mother suggested that the girl now pull out one nail for each day that she was able to hold her temper. The day passed and the young girl was finally able to tell her mother that all the nails were gone. The mother took her daughter by the hand and led her to the fence.

She said, "You have done well, my daughter, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one." You can put a knife in a person and draw it out. It won' t matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.

 

[Don K Dyck]

My father was at work. They know that it is not an isolated incident but none of them have ever had this happen to them and they don't think it should be going on(itshouldn't) but it is hard for them to understand. My fiance was beat by his step dad so he knows what I am going through. My brother will be in jail for a while then I will get a restraining order on him. I wish I knew what was wrong with him

Hi babydoll . . . a sad story with a sad middle . . . the ending is still to come. The restraining order is essential during your convalescence and after. in Oz we have what are called apprehended violence orders which have a huge impact on the offender. With an AVO comes confiscation of any guns or weapons and a breach is considered contempt of court and treated accordingly.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!

It is hard to understand the attitude of your family . . . what is so difficult to understand about bruises and broken bones??

I would investigate any opoortunity for a claim of damages for real and emotional hurt plus punitive damages as well. He caused the medical bills so he should pay for them . . . maybe by tweaking his hip-pocket nerve he might learn to control his temper.

I hope the plaster cast doesn't itch too much as summer approaches . . .

 

[Wolf_Song]

My father was at work. They know that it is not an isolated incident but none of them have ever had this happen to them and they don't think it should be going on(itshouldn't) but it is hard for them to understand. My fiance was beat by his step dad so he knows what I am going through. My brother will be in jail for a while then I will get a restraining order on him. I wish I knew what was wrong with him

" They " you refer to are going through coping, healing and to some degree.. denial.

Am glad your fiance is there for you with him being able to understand all the better what your going through. And am glad you are there for him with being able to make each others life all the more wonderful for each other.

Your brothers actions could be products of stress for many potential reasons. Which may have been catalyst in his violent actions unto you. With as well stimulants being a possible factor to. Though determination in either or both will take time.

Wishing you and yours the best in this

 

[Wolf_Song]

Well, perhaps I ought to clarify myself a little bit. When I say abusers don't intend to be abusive, (and in this context we're talking strictly about physical abuse), I don't mean that they aren't trying to control or cause pain, but rather that they don't see any of this as 'abusive' in the sense that we are using the word. They see it as justifiable and even reasonable behavior under the circumstances.

It is what they are taught and becomes propaganda rather than what is really truth. As they only know and look at one side with out being able to comprehend what is really right. Yet many wild animals exhibit more civility and loving care to their young than do many people. To watch and appreciate such in natural settings is something truly wonderful. With being in its own right worth learning from.

In my case, my father was somewhat of a religious fanatic. He grew up in absolutely horrible conditions, was surrounded by vice of all sorts (alcoholism, drug addiction, etc), and he found his way 'out' through religion. As I grew up he tried to impose his strict beliefs about the world on me, using physical force as a means of controlling me and trying to head off any tendency on my part to stray from the one 'true' path. So it was his fear for me, that ultimately caused him to create a situation where I feared him more than the things he was trying to teach me to be afraid of.

He chose being rigid with abusive vs being open with proper. His mistake in more ways than one in missing properly showing compassion and wisdom which is also in his bible. He also failed in nurturing your confidence and many other aspects a child needs guidance in. Plus his inabilities to provide you with so much more in building as a person. Leaves you with being the better man in doing what it takes to understand and heal yourself. Plus use all that knowledge and practice in how you treat adults and children. Making the best from worst.. which you are doing.

Even to this day, the only comment he will make regarding such diverse punishments as trying to 'beat the devil out of me' with a hammer or teaching me to resist temptation by burning my arms with a lit cigarette when he thought I was touching myself in a 'sinful' way is: "Maybe I was a LITTLE hard on you as you were growing up"

Which is one of reasons why christianity is one of the worlds fastest declining religions. From so much abuse that was taught and carried forth in multiple written and societal doctrines through history and in many homes of present. Which lead me to breaking from it as a member even before grade school age. As posturing in a religious gathering then going home to beat " loved " ones for not acting " perfectly " doesnt carry any weight with me.

Native children around the world, even in North America last century were often ripped away from families. Relocated to missionary schools to " civilize " them and give them a " proper " christian up bringing. Which often resulted in children being stripped naked. Hung upside down and whipped among other tortures till they accepted Jesus. Which is wrong no matter how one looks at it.. in this situation or yours.

But there are good christians in the world whom arent like this. Just as there are good and bad folks in so many types of groups.
And your father wasnt one of the good ones in how he treated you. In time when you are ready it may help to let him know what your decisions are in your own stand. With allowances for it to evolve as you feel ready for. And forgiving him for his failures with choosing to deal with him on your own terms in short or long periods is an option to. What ever your eventual choices in this you have my respect either way. And hope you do what your comfortable with and are ready for.

He still doesn't see that any of this was 'abusive', and he would in fact be quite shocked by the thought. He knows that I was driven away from home by this sort of thing, but doesn't understand that it could have turned out any differently. He sees it now as his having done his best under difficult circumstances, and it's just too bad evil has such a powerful influence in the world.

As far as any personal responsibility goes, he just does not acknowledge any to speak of.

Perhaps showing him some information in writing or telling him a story where abuse had taken place. Then let it soak in to him with then pointing out the similiarities of what he did to you may help him to understand. The only evil in your story were his abusive actions unto you. And the world does have some twisted critters in it.. but its the best of people in heart and actions that make it more beautiful each day.

I'm sorry by the way, to hear that you are having trouble sleeping. I've had that problem for most of my life and believe me, I feel for you Gil.

This I can relate in for multiple reasons and wish both of you and all more peace in rests and hearts.

 

[Wolf_Song]

( leaving hugs n smiles here for any whom need them )

 

[lovechild27]

I live with my dad and my brother comes over on Mondays to watch wrestling. We have gotten in fights before but he was just in a bad mood. I was upset at him because he was washing clothes when I was trying to take a shower and the water kept changing temps. He came up the stairs after me and after a shouting match he started smacking me in the face. I tried to get into the bathroom or another room but he wouldn't let me. Then he shoved me and I fell down the stairs. That is the last thing I remember. Then I wake up in the hospital with my leg broken in 2 places and my stomache and chest bruised. My neighbors heard us argueing and I guess heard me fall. (They live in the house next door and thankfully were outside) They called the police and eventually arrested my brother. I pressed charges. Thankfully I didn't miscarry and I just found out I was pregnant yesterday.

Girl...i am SO SO SORRY! Big hugs~ IM so glad you and your baby are as good as can be expect after that. IM glad your bro went down..NO ONE can get away with that! Good luck with everything...

 

[lovechild27]

I WILL NOT hurt anyone else as I've been hurt

Amen to that....gotta break the cycle of violence...

Never an eye for an eye...the best revenge is pressing charges and getting on and living as well as possible.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi babydoll . . . a sad story with a sad middle . . . the ending is still to come. The restraining order is essential during your convalescence and after. in Oz we have what are called apprehended violence orders which have a huge impact on the offender. With an AVO comes confiscation of any guns or weapons and a breach is considered contempt of court and treated accordingly.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!

It is hard to understand the attitude of your family . . . what is so difficult to understand about bruises and broken bones??

I would investigate any opoortunity for a claim of damages for real and emotional hurt plus punitive damages as well. He caused the medical bills so he should pay for them . . . maybe by tweaking his hip-pocket nerve he might learn to control his temper.

I hope the plaster cast doesn't itch too much as summer approaches . . .

Don I agree that he needs to be taught to keep his hand to himself but what you discribe I'd be concerned it might make him SNAP & go troppo endagering ont only BABYDOLL but the family,neighbours & anyone who might get in his way, ABUSERS don't operate on logic & QVO's only work if enforced & responded to by the local police, sure the law is great but it has to have the inforcement to keep the ABUSER away, I'm told that in different areas here & I'm sure the US too some officers do not react in the same manner as a pub brawl to these, they finnish their coffee & take the scenic drive to get there because DOMESTICS are where most officer get injured & they never know which way it will swing
when the do respond even if it's a regular thing 99 times it is easy to do but then the 100th time it erupts in something no one expected.

BABYDOLL you must go the distance with this & as soon as the restraining order is given go to the station & fill in ALL the details to leave no doubt as to why you fear him, the more you let them know the quicker they will act, also thank your neighbours too so you keep them as allies, ask them to ring ASAP if they see him but do not get involved to keep their safety & that way you have an extra pair of eyes whating you.

It is a difficult situation that you are in but KNOW that it isn't/wasn't YOUR fault YOU are the victim, another thing to think of is when you know he's being released go away so the he can't find you.

If we can do anything on line (because we are so far away) let us know.







THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!

 

[babydoll_73]

Well all this is my last night here in the hospital. Physically I am fine. Doc said there would be minimal physical therapy and he doesn't see me having any problems. The choice we have to make is an extremely hard and painful one. Me and Brian have been talking about it almost non stop. I have also discussed it with my family. We all agree. I just feel emotionally numb right now. Just say some prayers for us and keep us in your thoughts. I will tell all about it tomorrow.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Well all this is my last night here in the hospital. Physically I am fine. Doc said there would be minimal physical therapy and he doesn't see me having any problems. The choice we have to make is an extremely hard and painful one. Me and Brian have been talking about it almost non stop. I have also discussed it with my family. We all agree. I just feel emotionally numb right now. Just say some prayers for us and keep us in your thoughts. I will tell all about it tomorrow.

Postive thoughts, prayers and hearts blessings to you and loved ones

 

[Don K Dyck]

Well all this is my last night here in the hospital. Physically I am fine. Doc said there would be minimal physical therapy and he doesn't see me having any problems. The choice we have to make is an extremely hard and painful one. Me and Brian have been talking about it almost non stop. I have also discussed it with my family. We all agree. I just feel emotionally numb right now. Just say some prayers for us and keep us in your thoughts. I will tell all about it tomorrow.

Hang in there, Babydoll, nothing changes until you put in the effort to cause the change . . .

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . EVER!!!

 

[Bandit58]

Hang in there, Babydoll, nothing changes until you put in the effort to cause the change . . .

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . EVER!!!

That's so true......I stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for way too long.......good luck babydoll *HUGS*

 

[babydoll_73]

Hang in there, Babydoll, nothing changes until you put in the effort to cause the change . . .

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . EVER!!!

There is nothing to discuss with anyone about my brother. I filed charges against him and am getting a restraining order. He will go to jail for this because I did get hurt and because I was pregnant. He won't be in there for long but when he gets out he is going to have a lot of bills to pay and nowhere to stay. He will never touch me again or lay his hands on anybody as far as I am conserned. I will do my best to make sure of that.

Well out of the hospital this morning and back in on Wed. Only gonna be in over night then. This dicision is a no-win situation for us. We just have to do what is best for us and all concerned

Thank you all for the wonderful support and kindness. It is not forgotten.

 

[Don K Dyck]

There is nothing to discuss with anyone about my brother. I filed charges against him and am getting a restraining order. He will go to jail for this because I did get hurt and because I was pregnant. He won't be in there for long but when he gets out he is going to have a lot of bills to pay and nowhere to stay. He will never touch me again or lay his hands on anybody as far as I am conserned. I will do my best to make sure of that.

Well out of the hospital this morning and back in on Wed. Only gonna be in over night then. This dicision is a no-win situation for us. We just have to do what is best for us and all concerned

Thank you all for the wonderful support and kindness. It is not forgotten.

hi Babydoll, congratulations on having the guts to go through with the action against family pressure. You have now established that you deserve better, and naturally will be treated up to your expectations for yourself.

Do not be hard on yourself about this matter. His actions were deliberate and from your evidence unprovoked. There are consequences for violence in a civilised society. He has received his just desserts. The family will mellow given time, and treat you with respect for respecting yourself. Well done!!

 

[Gil_T2]

There is nothing to discuss with anyone about my brother. I filed charges against him and am getting a restraining order. He will go to jail for this because I did get hurt and because I was pregnant. He won't be in there for long but when he gets out he is going to have a lot of bills to pay and nowhere to stay. He will never touch me again or lay his hands on anybody as far as I am conserned. I will do my best to make sure of that.

Well out of the hospital this morning and back in on Wed. Only gonna be in over night then. This dicision is a no-win situation for us. We just have to do what is best for us and all concerned

Thank you all for the wonderful support and kindness. It is not forgotten.

BABYDOLL.....I'm sure that you know that we will be here for you when ever you want & just because the problem is over (for ever I hope & pray) please drop in anytime even just to say HI or give the thread a bump, you might even drop in when bub's is born so we can see your baby & even us guys can get clucky as well as the ladies.

Was there a deal that he had to have to see a shrink as part of the sentence ? I think this should be a part of any crime involving violence.

 

[lovechild27]

Babydoll...Im glad hes getting locked up and your getting better. Bless you sweets....

 

[Monazwx]

BabyDoll, I am so thankfull that you've decided to take such a positive step.
I've been lurking around your situation, not knowing what to say apart from what had been said already, but rememeber, this is just the beginning and that we are all here to support you whenever you need it.

Kudos.

 

[Monazwx]

Also wanted to provide this link.

It's about parental relationships with abuse rather than spousal, but the pain is the same.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=173668

I'm going to link them to this thread as well.

 

[Wolf_Song]

There is nothing to discuss with anyone about my brother. I filed charges against him and am getting a restraining order. He will go to jail for this because I did get hurt and because I was pregnant. He won't be in there for long but when he gets out he is going to have a lot of bills to pay and nowhere to stay. He will never touch me again or lay his hands on anybody as far as I am conserned. I will do my best to make sure of that.

Well out of the hospital this morning and back in on Wed. Only gonna be in over night then. This dicision is a no-win situation for us. We just have to do what is best for us and all concerned

Thank you all for the wonderful support and kindness. It is not forgotten.

I can empathize to a degree in this as was faced with a tough decision once regarding my younger brother. It was either let him kill himself with cocaine addiction or take steps that knew would lead to him possibly hating me for the rest of his life. He is alive, hates me to a large degree and began bettering rather than destroying himself as a result. He as well met a wonderful lady several years ago whom is totally in love with and they are happy together.

As far as the no-win situation goes that you speak of. Your brother has a lot of options where he can get counselling and even career training in jail. You have given him a second chance to get his act together and hopefully he realizes with doing so. Perhaps your family can pass such positive ideas on to him.

Thank you for all your sharing herein and really admire with respecting how you handled every thing. Your a great person and hope you never forget that.

 

[babydoll_73]

Well it turns out I don't even have to make the decision at all. I didn't want to make it in the first place. I had to decide whether or not to abort the baby. A baby in which I wasn't prepared for but wanted with all my heart. I talked for hours with Brian and my family. It was never a matter of not wanting the baby. Brian and I were thrilled. It was a matter of being able to safetly deliver the baby without either of us being harmed. My weight was a big issue. The doctor told me that I would most likely not carry full term or long enough for the baby to live and if I did the chance that I would not make it through was great. I was then told that should I make it I would most likely not be able to have another baby. Then there was also the fact that I was told this by 3 different doctors. I cried over this until I had to give them my decision. I would give up the baby. Brian and I are young and I am going to be having my weight loss surgery soon enough. Then when I am thinner and able to do this we will have children. It kills us both inside because I am a month and a week now and we were looking forward to having a baby. Well at the hospital on Saturday before I left they did an ultrasound to check everything out and it turns out I have an ectopic pregnancy. I have no choice but to terminate. This does not make things any easier. Up until they put me under to terminate I could have changed my mind and risked everything. Now I have no choice. Wed I will be in the hospital again but only for the night. But that is life and sometimes it hands you a pile of shit. Now I just gotta figure out how to make fertilizer out of it.

I am fairing better now. Still upset about it all but I have to look at the bright side of things. Plus I see a therapist to talk about it all on tuesday.

Well I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and enjoys their Memorial Day. I am going to my uncles with Brian. Should be a welcome distraction.