How do you help someone get over being abused

[BrownEyes26]

Bumpity Bump

 

[Blackbich]

Just stopping in to say hi to everyone. Hope you are all well. And Happy Mother's Day to all you Mom's!!!!

 

[Gil_T2]

HELLO MY FRIENDS I think it's time we decided wether to keep this thread going or let it fade into the back pages.....THIS will be up to you as you are the ones who came here to look.

I am very please that many of you now are finding that life holds a happy future for you with real love without the crap of the past even though you are still tentitive with decisions & some R/L experiences it will get better over time & the OLD saying of TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.

I do wish that everyones pains & fears are on the way out & your own personal DEMONS are being killed off.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Gil,

This which you have started is a good thing and it is hugely commendable the courage it took all to share herein. And when one has dealt with violence in any form, especially in multiples.. it doesnt just go away. With it being harder for one whom hasnt gone through any of it to fully empathize.

Though veterans with PTSD are one of the groups whom can empathize more than most know. As well other multiple areas of careers and otherwise go through similiar and many dont know what to say nor do about it. Societally even in first world nations much still needs fixed of awareness in this and many other matters.

There are also several here whom I have noticed still want to talk. Which is obvious with the " bumps " plus getting such pain to surface in to words is a battle all its own. But there are others to whom have yet to speak, and when ready.. they will. With having this special thread you started.. to share.

And if you need a break away from this thread Gil whether short or long term. It is understood as some times in dealing with many of lifes issues, people need a time out. Even for those exposed to them from an after the fact perspective. This I know from being able to look at things from experiencing multiple perspectives.


Best wished to yourself Gil and all herein

( with hugs for any whom wish them )

 

[Gil_T2]

Gil,

This which you have started is a good thing and it is hugely commendable the courage it took all to share herein. And when one has dealt with violence in any form, especially in multiples.. it doesnt just go away. With it being harder for one whom hasnt gone through any of it to fully empathize.

Though veterans with PTSD are one of the groups whom can empathize more than most know. As well other multiple areas of careers and otherwise go through similiar and many dont know what to say nor do about it. Societally even in first world nations much still needs fixed of awareness in this and many other matters.

There are also several here whom I have noticed still want to talk. Which is obvious with the " bumps " plus getting such pain to surface in to words is a battle all its own. But there are others to whom have yet to speak, and when ready.. they will. With having this special thread you started.. to share.

And if you need a break away from this thread Gil whether short or long term. It is understood as some times in dealing with many of lifes issues, people need a time out. Even for those exposed to them from an after the fact perspective. This I know from being able to look at things from experiencing multiple perspectives.


Best wished to yourself Gil and all herein

( with hugs for any whom wish them )

It's not that I need a break from it it's that no one seems to post so I was wondering if the need is still here

I suspect that the need is just as needed but if ppl don't post then there isn't the need to be here.

 

[kikmosa]

It's not that I need a break from it it's that no one seems to post so I was wondering if the need is still here

I suspect that the need is just as needed but if ppl don't post then there isn't the need to be here.

We do still need this thread and you Gil. Very much so. I'm not sure if I'm speaking for the others but knowing that this place is here for me helps me to make those small steps toward my future. I know that no matter how bad things get, I can come here and let it out. And I know that someone is here for me even when no one says anything. I know that I'm supported.

And yes, I still need this place. I've taken those first steps but I know that it's a long journey. It feels good to know I'm not alone.

Ok folks, now for the hard part. The "Friend" that I met and finally managed to be with is going to be part of my past soon I think. He and I had a long talk this last weekend. I told him how I felt about having to keep our meetings a secret for everyone. Just because he doesn't want his friends to know he has a girl. And we talked about his drinking and smoking pot. I also said something to him about the pills I found. He seemed very understanding and honest. He told me he could try to stop hiding us so much but that he's not sure if he can change. We agreed to give it a little time and see what happens. If I still fell the same then we probably won't be seeing each other again. I really like him and he's very sweet but I don't feel that this situation is good for me.
I wish I could go into all the details but I can't right now. Maybe one day. It's going to really hurt to say goodbye to him but I have to do this for me. He'll always have a place in my heart though.

But I have made the first step and I know that I'll survive this.

 

[Bandit58]

{{{{{{{{ KIKI }}}}}}}}

I'm sorry you feel things aren't working out with your friend I know all about secrecy, my lover was married and we didn't have the freedom to call when we wanted or walk hand in hand through the local mall for fear we might meet someone he knew. His wife would call his cellphone sometimes when he was with me and he would lie to her, it made me feel uncomfortable at times.

He sent me an email yesterday.........basically it said that he never wanted to hurt me but he needs to find out who he is before he can think of settling down again, and he can't put a time span on it. He also said that he does love me and that will never change, and that he is so sorry.........and that if I can forgive him, he still wants to be friends and he misses talking to me.

I phoned him this morning and we had a long talk.......I told him that I am not going anywhere and that I don't want to lose what we had, even if we can't be lovers for now we can certainly be friends and keep in touch. I also told him that I love him still, and I don't want to give up on us. I can have sex whenever I like, but there is only one person who has my heart. I told him also that there is nothing to forgive, I know that if circumstances were different we would be together. I understand, and I am not putting my life on hold, I am going out and experiencing all that it has to offer, and he would want me to do that. If I meet someone else and decide to make a life with him (or her) then he will be the first to know, and vice versa. We both have to concentrate on ourselves for now, but we're still young (40s) and who knows how things will end up........

Kiki you go girl.......great journeys begin with but a single step, and you've taken the first one. I have taken many little baby steps, and have had some wonderful experiences (and sad ones too) along the way, and it's still only just beginning.......

 

[Wolf_Song]

Really proud of both you ladies and agree on how you both are handling things. In what you have mentioned of what each is thinking of doing. Looks like from my perspective to be both responsible and the wisest choices. With all that you have taken in to consideration for yourselves and others.

I think yourselves and others whom have posted updates are making excellent progress. In doing the right things and want to compliment again every one herein. Your amazing wonderful people with great golden hearts.. always. Your included in these compliments to Gil.

Hearts blessings and best wished to all

 

[Gil_T2]

I am very please both these ladies have come so far it their survival & starting the decline of all their DEMONS.........They are both wonderful ladies & my only regret is I'm not likely to ever meet either of them

 

[Gil_T2]

A gentle bump for this thread so if it's needed it's here.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Hope every one enjoys the lunar eclipse.

 

[stilltrying]

I'm very glad to see that this thread exists and if I can find the time, I'm going to read all the way through to see what's been said so far.

At the risk of potentially repeating something that's already been said, I'll point out from my own perspective that the title of the thread "how do you help someone get over being abused' is perhaps a bit misleading because I don't think that you ever really do 'get over' being abused. It's more a matter of learning how to deal with the effects.
I've spent my whole life dealing with (or running away from), the effects of having been abused as a boy, and I don't ever see myself being entirely 'normal', as in, 'the way I probably would have been if I'd never been abused in the first place'. Some of the changes are so basic and fundamental that they now, for better or worse, are a part of 'me'.

But as I mentioned earlier, I realize that this may have already been covered in which case I'm merely restating the obvious.

Thank you to everyone who's kept this thread alive because there are always new people joining.

EDIT: I can see from just the few posts that I've read so far, that my idea of what this thread was about is a bit different than what you are mainly talking about here.
I'll leave my comments in case anyone else drops in and makes the same mistake that I did.
Is there a thread about childhood sexual abuse here somewhere? Does anyone know?
thanks
st

 

[intrigued]

I'm very glad to see that this thread exists and if I can find the time, I'm going to read all the way through to see what's been said so far.

At the risk of potentially repeating something that's already been said, I'll point out from my own perspective that the title of the thread "how do you help someone get over being abused' is perhaps a bit misleading because I don't think that you ever really do 'get over' being abused. It's more a matter of learning how to deal with the effects.
I've spent my whole life dealing with (or running away from), the effects of having been abused as a boy, and I don't ever see myself being entirely 'normal', as in, 'the way I probably would have been if I'd never been abused in the first place'. Some of the changes are so basic and fundamental that they now, for better or worse, are a part of 'me'.

But as I mentioned earlier, I realize that this may have already been covered in which case I'm merely restating the obvious.

Thank you to everyone who's kept this thread alive because there are always new people joining.

EDIT: I can see from just the few posts that I've read so far, that my idea of what this thread was about is a bit different than what you are mainly talking about here.
I'll leave my comments in case anyone else drops in and makes the same mistake that I did.
Is there a thread about childhood sexual abuse here somewhere? Does anyone know?
thanks
st

I'm still trying, too.

Like you, I haven't and cannot make my way through this thread, its just too hard.
First, from the 30+ years I've spent allowing others inside, I know that for myself, there is only so much another person can do to "help" me. A person can hold you, comfort you, express sorrow and anger, they can promise to try to understand why you are the way you are, they can offer you their shoulder. They can tell you about other people they know and what they did...they can bleed for you. But ya know, this kind of turmoil, sexual, emotional and physical abuse is a stain on the soul and for me, there is a part of it that just doesn't go away. No matter what. It happened, and though therapy and soul sweating hard work enables you to once again function, there isn't a force on this earth that can wipe that slate clean.
How can you ever go back to the child you were before you were raped?
How can you ever forget the anger, the heart breaking pain, behind the belt that marred your body for days?
How do you ever undo the crippling twist that being under another persons will, being forced into submitting to anothers will, does to your spirit, to your mind?
You don't.
You go on, you work your butt off trying to be a better person, trying to keep your heart from going cold and black, learning how to simply feel again. Then one day you are finally ready to tackle the monster that TRUST is, and God bless you when you do.

But you realize that in the end, you will never be normal. You will never be like other children that grew up normally, that go on to have healthy relationships with others. You learn that there is a part of you that you will always sit huddled with, in your little childlike heart, just gripping because it is the only real security you will ever possess. In the end, you just don't "give up" your soul so freely...once someone takes it and bends it to their own, you guard it with your life.

You go on.

You fight for everything you never had, for what you believe in, for all that is every human beings most basic need. You face down your anger for all that was taken from you, your innocence, your ability to trust, your most basic belief in the good of others...
You fight to make lemonade of the lemons life dealt you. You do it alone, so that someday you live a life of your own making, on your own terms, strong and secure, within yourself. It is only then that you can share yourself with someone else...freely.
Thats one hell of a beautiful thing, and sometimes, its the only thing you have left.

You go on, you find something to believe in. You take baby steps, ever so slowly. When you reach that solid ground, you take another, always pushing for more....and you just keep going on and on, and on.

stilltrying, I don't know if there is such a thread, but please feel free to start one if you'd like.

 

[Wolf_Song]

I'm very glad to see that this thread exists and if I can find the time, I'm going to read all the way through to see what's been said so far.

Welcome and good to meet you stilltrying

At the risk of potentially repeating something that's already been said, I'll point out from my own perspective that the title of the thread "how do you help someone get over being abused' is perhaps a bit misleading because I don't think that you ever really do 'get over' being abused. It's more a matter of learning how to deal with the effects.
I've spent my whole life dealing with (or running away from), the effects of having been abused as a boy, and I don't ever see myself being entirely 'normal', as in, 'the way I probably would have been if I'd never been abused in the first place'. Some of the changes are so basic and fundamental that they now, for better or worse, are a part of 'me'.

But as I mentioned earlier, I realize that this may have already been covered in which case I'm merely restating the obvious.

Your commments on the " how do you help some one get over being abused " is very valid in it may seem misleading. But part of getting over it is opening up about it with special people whom arent being judgemental in any fashion. And it takes a lot to do that which you have already done herein. Which I compliment you greatly in doing so.

As well its not your fault and your a special person whom has been through a lot who is no lesser than those you deem as " normal ". Every one whom has been abused whether in an incident or longer term doesnt fully get over it as you say. But you have an option in these great people herein to share and learn more. And in them helping you, your helping them and any whom should read herein.

As far as cures go there are many types of certified professionals available to. Child therapists is one of the best when abuse starts from childhood. As well psychiatrists, psychologists and many types of sexual and abuse counsellors. But some of the best healing I have seen and shared in is when real people get together. Sharing heart to heart in building trust, communication and love of self and others.


Thank you to everyone who's kept this thread alive because there are always new people joining.

I agree and again extend thanks to all in what you have said in this.

EDIT: I can see from just the few posts that I've read so far, that my idea of what this thread was about is a bit different than what you are mainly talking about here.
I'll leave my comments in case anyone else drops in and makes the same mistake that I did.
Is there a thread about childhood sexual abuse here somewhere? Does anyone know?
thanks

The first step is opening up, which is often the hardest.. which you have already magnificently done. Congradulations !

There are several threads regarding several types of abuse through out Lit. Several have put some through out this thread. And if you wish I can go through the few that have been in and place them here later in thread for easier to find.

Personally I dont feel with what you have shared thus far that you made a mistake. Your just dealing with things as best you can which all do in any form of abuse(s). You have my sincere admiration with respect in speaking up and are a better person for it methinks.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Here are several threads that were mentioned of earlier.

A parents perspective of finding out children were abused

A study in abusive control

Varying perspectives about multilpe types of rape and how many dealt with it.

 

[Wolf_Song]

I'm still trying, too.

Like you, I haven't and cannot make my way through this thread, its just too hard.

Understandable with all that you have shared in previous threads and herein to

First, from the 30+ years I've spent allowing others inside, I know that for myself, there is only so much another person can do to "help" me. A person can hold you, comfort you, express sorrow and anger, they can promise to try to understand why you are the way you are, they can offer you their shoulder. They can tell you about other people they know and what they did...they can bleed for you. But ya know, this kind of turmoil, sexual, emotional and physical abuse is a stain on the soul and for me, there is a part of it that just doesn't go away. No matter what. It happened, and though therapy and soul sweating hard work enables you to once again function, there isn't a force on this earth that can wipe that slate clean.
How can you ever go back to the child you were before you were raped?

You cant go back to that child, but the inner child is still there. Coming out to play and enjoy life with the most special of people. And in how you treat others intrigued, which is magnificent.. to say the least. Others share that child again with you in how delightedly they return specially.

How can you ever forget the anger, the heart breaking pain, behind the belt that marred your body for days?
How do you ever undo the crippling twist that being under another persons will, being forced into submitting to anothers will, does to your spirit, to your mind?
You don't.
You go on, you work your butt off trying to be a better person, trying to keep your heart from going cold and black, learning how to simply feel again. Then one day you are finally ready to tackle the monster that TRUST is, and God bless you when you do.

Your a better person than those whom harmed you in bravely not continuing their ways. With it not being your fault in any fashion that it occured.. was sickness of another in why it happened. That trust is definitely a tough one as you say, but in time those most special in ones life make it all the easier to share.

But you realize that in the end, you will never be normal. You will never be like other children that grew up normally, that go on to have healthy relationships with others. You learn that there is a part of you that you will always sit huddled with, in your little childlike heart, just gripping because it is the only real security you will ever possess. In the end, you just don't "give up" your soul so freely...once someone takes it and bends it to their own, you guard it with your life.

Your right in never being normal. Your all the more special in having gone through so much, still being able to appreciate and share so many of lifes beauties with others.

You go on.

You fight for everything you never had, for what you believe in, for all that is every human beings most basic need. You face down your anger for all that was taken from you, your innocence, your ability to trust, your most basic belief in the good of others...
You fight to make lemonade of the lemons life dealt you. You do it alone, so that someday you live a life of your own making, on your own terms, strong and secure, within yourself. It is only then that you can share yourself with someone else...freely.
Thats one hell of a beautiful thing, and sometimes, its the only thing you have left.

It is a very beautiful thing to share with another after so much inner turmoil. And shows all the more beauty of the individuals whom share thusly

You go on, you find something to believe in. You take baby steps, ever so slowly. When you reach that solid ground, you take another, always pushing for more....and you just keep going on and on, and on.

With every now and then the breaks in lifes storms. Where the sweetest moments are enjoyed whether solitary or shared.

stilltrying, I don't know if there is such a thread, but please feel free to start one if you'd like.

There are threads touching on various facets of multiple abuses which you and many already know. If had been here more would have shared accordingly.. but we all do our best.

Long time no babble miss intrigued and is good to see you again. Hope every thing has been going wonderfully for you and those dear in your golden heart. ( hugs atcha )

 

[BrownEyes26]

It is good to see everyone posting. Starting next week I am going to begin counseling women who have been raped or abused. Reading everyone's experiences has helped me to understand how people deal with the effects of their abuse.

I am glad that this forum is here to allow us to talk about our experiences. Stilltrying, Intrigued, Kiki, Gil, everyone here; hope you are all doing well.

((HUGS))

 

[Wolf_Song]

It is good to see everyone posting. Starting next week I am going to begin counseling women who have been raped or abused. Reading everyone's experiences has helped me to understand how people deal with the effects of their abuse.

I am glad that this forum is here to allow us to talk about our experiences. Stilltrying, Intrigued, Kiki, Gil, everyone here; hope you are all doing well.

((HUGS))

Wishing you the best with counseling others and know you will be able to do great. Not only because of personal experiences, but also that your heart is sincere in this with how you express yourself. Which will help others and be helped all the more as well in doing so. As you have already even done in talking with father as you have, which is a hurdle all its own in healing from abuse(s). One of the many situations one faces where what to say isnt planned.. it just happens. And your the better person for it.

( hugs for yourself or any whom wish them )

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm still trying, too.

Like you, I haven't and cannot make my way through this thread, its just too hard.
First, from the 30+ years I've spent allowing others inside, I know that for myself, there is only so much another person can do to "help" me. A person can hold you, comfort you, express sorrow and anger, they can promise to try to understand why you are the way you are, they can offer you their shoulder. They can tell you about other people they know and what they did...they can bleed for you. But ya know, this kind of turmoil, sexual, emotional and physical abuse is a stain on the soul and for me, there is a part of it that just doesn't go away. No matter what. It happened, and though therapy and soul sweating hard work enables you to once again function, there isn't a force on this earth that can wipe that slate clean.
How can you ever go back to the child you were before you were raped?
How can you ever forget the anger, the heart breaking pain, behind the belt that marred your body for days?
How do you ever undo the crippling twist that being under another persons will, being forced into submitting to anothers will, does to your spirit, to your mind?
You don't.
You go on, you work your butt off trying to be a better person, trying to keep your heart from going cold and black, learning how to simply feel again. Then one day you are finally ready to tackle the monster that TRUST is, and God bless you when you do.

But you realize that in the end, you will never be normal. You will never be like other children that grew up normally, that go on to have healthy relationships with others. You learn that there is a part of you that you will always sit huddled with, in your little childlike heart, just gripping because it is the only real security you will ever possess. In the end, you just don't "give up" your soul so freely...once someone takes it and bends it to their own, you guard it with your life.

You go on.

You fight for everything you never had, for what you believe in, for all that is every human beings most basic need. You face down your anger for all that was taken from you, your innocence, your ability to trust, your most basic belief in the good of others...
You fight to make lemonade of the lemons life dealt you. You do it alone, so that someday you live a life of your own making, on your own terms, strong and secure, within yourself. It is only then that you can share yourself with someone else...freely.
Thats one hell of a beautiful thing, and sometimes, its the only thing you have left.

You go on, you find something to believe in. You take baby steps, ever so slowly. When you reach that solid ground, you take another, always pushing for more....and you just keep going on and on, and on.

stilltrying, I don't know if there is such a thread, but please feel free to start one if you'd like.

welcome to our new ppl & I promise to get back here when I have more time to reply with a more personal reply to you all very soon
but at this time storms are around so I can only be brief & just use this for nw.... sorry.

 

[Gil_T2]

We do still need this thread and you Gil. Very much so. I'm not sure if I'm speaking for the others but knowing that this place is here for me helps me to make those small steps toward my future. I know that no matter how bad things get, I can come here and let it out. And I know that someone is here for me even when no one says anything. I know that I'm supported.

And yes, I still need this place. I've taken those first steps but I know that it's a long journey. It feels good to know I'm not alone.

Ok folks, now for the hard part. The "Friend" that I met and finally managed to be with is going to be part of my past soon I think. He and I had a long talk this last weekend. I told him how I felt about having to keep our meetings a secret for everyone. Just because he doesn't want his friends to know he has a girl. And we talked about his drinking and smoking pot. I also said something to him about the pills I found. He seemed very understanding and honest. He told me he could try to stop hiding us so much but that he's not sure if he can change. We agreed to give it a little time and see what happens. If I still fell the same then we probably won't be seeing each other again. I really like him and he's very sweet but I don't feel that this situation is good for me.
I wish I could go into all the details but I can't right now. Maybe one day. It's going to really hurt to say goodbye to him but I have to do this for me. He'll always have a place in my heart though.

But I have made the first step and I know that I'll survive this.

Its hard seeing MY FRIENDS having troubls but pleasing seing they are coping too.

 

[Bandit58]

Here are several threads that were mentioned of earlier.

A parents perspective of finding out children were abused

A study in abusive control

Varying perspectives about multilpe types of rape and how many dealt with it.

Thank you Wolf_Song for the links......the threads are painful and difficult to read but the support from others is beautiful to see.

The man I married raped me once when he was drunk (we weren't married at the time but I was only 18 and not very assertive and afraid of what would happen if I told, not that I had anyone to tell). I blocked it out for years and it only came back to haunt me after I left him and was on my own and re-evaluating my life. I have never confronted him about it and to this day I don't think he remembers......

I'm still working through everything that happened throughout the 25 years we were together, and I've come a long way in a short time. A caring and sensitive partner helps so much.... But threads like this one are a place to come to when we need someone to vent to.......

 

[Wolf_Song]

Great to see you again Gil and good luck with the storms to.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Thank you Wolf_Song for the links......the threads are painful and difficult to read but the support from others is beautiful to see.

Your most welcome miss Bandit58 and as in all please read them when you are comfortable doing so. Its hard to both share pain and see it shared as well in multiple forms. But is beautiful when people open up thusly in trust and support as you say

The man I married raped me once when he was drunk (we weren't married at the time but I was only 18 and not very assertive and afraid of what would happen if I told, not that I had anyone to tell). I blocked it out for years and it only came back to haunt me after I left him and was on my own and re-evaluating my life. I have never confronted him about it and to this day I don't think he remembers......

You now have good folks to talk to and share not only the pain, but the beautiful moments to. And are never alone with so many in your heart and having gentle solace within theirs to.

I'm still working through everything that happened throughout the 25 years we were together, and I've come a long way in a short time. A caring and sensitive partner helps so much.... But threads like this one are a place to come to when we need someone to vent to.......

It will take time with so many things to face and deal with. Whether talking, writing herein or to self where can see things visibly often helps to. Plus if and when you are ready to confront him and any others whom have caused you pain that can help to. But its the shared love with self and others that makes the biggest difference as it grows. With trust and communication that accordingly blooms ever so magnificently.

Your right in saying you have come a long way in a short time. With so magnificently sharing herein with others in gentle sensitive caring yourself.. wonderfully so. And I agree to in that threads like this are magnificiently beneficient whether as an observer or participant.

That some to vent to is indeed a marvelous beauty in its own right. Which I to have new appreciation for in some one whom helped me more than any one ever has in being my sounding board of late. I feel like a whole new person in so many ways and am loving every minute of it. And should she read this.. thank you again my dear beautiful friend.

Wishing yourself and all the best miss Bandit58 ( with hugs for the ladies and hearty handshakes to the gents )

 

[Wantonica]

To be quite honest, I am not even going to read this thread. When my kids were almost teens, I learned they had been molested by their uncle in their young years. Darn good thing he got sent to prison for getting caught with my neice. He did 2 years, admitted to messing with six kids, including mine. I'd still hurt him if I saw him again, but in any case... my daughter is a sexual mess. I will try to read this thread, just venting a bit.

Happy days,
Lascivious Wanton

 

[Gil_T2]

To be quite honest, I am not even going to read this thread. When my kids were almost teens, I learned they had been molested by their uncle in their young years. Darn good thing he got sent to prison for getting caught with my neice. He did 2 years, admitted to messing with six kids, including mine. I'd still hurt him if I saw him again, but in any case... my daughter is a sexual mess. I will try to read this thread, just venting a bit.

Happy days,
Lascivious Wanton

Please feel free to vent all you desire & as a parent I can not fathom the pain you & your kids have had to endure but we are here to offer suport if & an ear or shoulder anytime you want us.
Your ANGER is totally understood.

Is you daughter recieving professional counciling to help rid her of her DEMONS ?