How do you help someone get over being abused

Blackbich said:
Wow. It's been so long since I've been here and everything has changed. There's so many messages on here now I fear I'd get lost trying to find my way back! ;)

How have you all been? Is everyone taking care? Is there any scoop I need to know about? lol.

Hi BB glad to see oyu drop in although like you I sometimes loose this thread since the move.

BANDIT :heart: & I celebrated our first anniversary.
 
Gil_T2 said:
Hi BB glad to see oyu drop in although like you I sometimes loose this thread since the move.

BANDIT :heart: & I celebrated our first anniversary.

Congrats!!!!!!!!!
 
Gil_T2 said:
Hi BB glad to see oyu drop in although like you I sometimes loose this thread since the move.

BANDIT :heart: & I celebrated our first anniversary.


:nana:

Congratulations to you both!! You are both wonderful people and deserve the bestest!!

Wow...I have been away a long time!!
 
Bandit58 said:
Just BUMPing the thread with the news that at long last the order dissolving my marriage arrived in the mail, ironically on the day that Gil and I celebrate our first year in our relationship :heart:

It feels so damn good to finally be free of *him*. Although he still owes me 8 more years of payments to finally settle the property agreement. But so long as his payments keep coming I think I can put up with it........:)

CONGRATULATIONS on both the anniversary with Gil and the marriage dissolution. I'm so glad that's finally over for you. The divorce thing, I mean.
 
shadow_dreamer said:
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! GIVING THIS A GENTLE BUMP!!!

It's good to be up and about but life sucks wearing a lumbar corset 24/7 until I get word I can live without it. Now if it were my black lacey corset that would be different :devil: and I'm sure my bf would enjoy it too. Just taking time to stop by and utilize my limited sitting time of 10 minutes in a way that brings a smile to my face and hopefully yours.

Jazey I'll send you the gorey details soon. First thing I have to do is remember what happened and when it happened since I was flying on morphine and giving myself a push of the button on the IV every 6 minutes the first 4 days in the hospital, hehehe.

Gil - glad to see your smile and hope you and your lovely lady Bandit is doing well. I miss y'all and have to admit I'm getting cabin fever and itching to get back into the kitchen to cook and bake and do some house chores but I know my SO, Islmaster, has to keep me calm and tighten the restraints occasionally.

Take care and until later,

Aloha from Hawaii,
Shadow :rose:

Wow, shadow. Great to see you're up and about. Just take it easy (easier said than done, I know) and keep us updated. :rose:
 
Gil_T2 said:
*Gil send soft gentle hugs to both of you sweet ladies*

{{{{{{{{{ Jazey & Shadow Dreamer }}}}}}}}} :rose:

I wish there was a lot more i could do to help you both & SD I know what you mean about hurting yourself while napping as I have done this myself :rolleyes:


GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pounces ya gently and snuzzles ya all up*

Hi hon, boy it's good to see you up and moving!! I've missed you!! I was thinking about you the past few days. I just got out of the hospital after a gallbladder attack (i thought i had the flu) required some low key emergency surgery....I couldn't help but think how many hospitals you have endured. It's so good to see you doing well...and I hear someone has an anniversary huh?? Congratssweetness...to both you and that Angel of a Bandit..*hugs her tight*
I am so very happy for you two.
Don't be such a stranger sweets...*hugs ya tight*


SHADOW MY LOVE!!!!!!

Oh Honey, I think of you so often...and now I am so glad to see you're doing so well. I miss you sweetie. You have been in my thoughts constantly and I pray for you often. You just keep up the good work, follow your Dr's orders and let that wonderful b/f keep spoiling ya!! You so deserve it.
I know what you mean about the morphine...I too have lost days on that crap!!
Get back to me when it all comes back to you!...lol...don't strain anything trying to remember tho hon, I'm more concerned about the aftercare and recovery time than anything. This scares the shit out of me but I keep telling myself I can try to be as strong as you...and I will get thru it. You've been a helluva an inspiration Toots...THANK YOU!! Write when ya can...*hugs and smooches ya silly*
 
Hi jazey :kiss: :rose: Sorry to hear you've been in the hospital, they aren't the most fun of places :rolleyes: Gil says he loves snuzzles (but don't tell the other Masters that will ya ;) )

Yes we had our first anniversary on 24th January, it just keeps getting better and better, even though some of the days are not so good we take them one at a time. We both pinch ourselves sometimes just to make sure it's real!

Big gentle hugs back to you sweetie :rose: :)
 
jazey_43 said:
GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pounces ya gently and snuzzles ya all up*

Hi hon, boy it's good to see you up and moving!! I've missed you!! I was thinking about you the past few days. I just got out of the hospital after a gallbladder attack (i thought i had the flu) required some low key emergency surgery....I couldn't help but think how many hospitals you have endured. It's so good to see you doing well...and I hear someone has an anniversary huh?? Congratssweetness...to both you and that Angel of a Bandit..*hugs her tight*
I am so very happy for you two.
Don't be such a stranger sweets...*hugs ya tight*


SHADOW MY LOVE!!!!!!

Oh Honey, I think of you so often...and now I am so glad to see you're doing so well. I miss you sweetie. You have been in my thoughts constantly and I pray for you often. You just keep up the good work, follow your Dr's orders and let that wonderful b/f keep spoiling ya!! You so deserve it.
I know what you mean about the morphine...I too have lost days on that crap!!
Get back to me when it all comes back to you!...lol...don't strain anything trying to remember tho hon, I'm more concerned about the aftercare and recovery time than anything. This scares the shit out of me but I keep telling myself I can try to be as strong as you...and I will get thru it. You've been a helluva an inspiration Toots...THANK YOU!! Write when ya can...*hugs and smooches ya silly*

Sweet lady your I just love snuzzles & would love to get a R/L one from you. :nana:

As for the morphine I too had trouble with it & this thread was started during my drying out but as you can see both KIKI & I made it through that period of our lives, the downer is every time I'm back in hospital there have to put me back on it to ease the back pains I get from those crappy beds in the wards here. :rolleyes:
 
Gil_T2 said:
Sweet lady your I just love snuzzles & would love to get a R/L one from you. :nana:

As for the morphine I too had trouble with it & this thread was started during my drying out but as you can see both KIKI & I made it through that period of our lives, the downer is every time I'm back in hospital there have to put me back on it to ease the back pains I get from those crappy beds in the wards here. :rolleyes:


Oh sweetie....a r/l snuzzle from you would be JUST the thing I need right now! Sure would be nice. Guess I'll have to plana trip down under...lol.

And believe me Gil, thay have those SAME crappy beds here too! I think they're universal...lol. Crap is a great word to describe them. They always say the worst place to try and sleep is a hospital...lol. Maybe if they bought different ones, you could stay off the drugs. I hate the morphine dry out...but I had my worst experience when I tried to take myself off percocet cold turkey....man I will NEVER try that again!!! What a horrible experience.
 
Where is everyone?

Just found the strength and made my way to the computer to catch up on past posts and discovered the last one was in January? Hope things are going well, Gil and Bandit! Waiting to hear from Jazey!


bump, bump, bump
 
Oops!

This is what happens when one isn't accustomed to the "new" look on the posts...the last post was just today...DUH! Anyway, time to fly and catch up on things....Aloha!
 
Wondered where you were...

Wondering what happened to ya! Sorry to hear about the attack of the gallbladder. Now with that surgery done would this hinder the decision on your back surgery?

Thanks hun but I think being hard headed was carried me through...strength? I didn't want to move or didn't want anyone to touch me or shake the bed (accidentally) for a long time! I'll PM ya and let you know what the after care and recovery time is. Today makes exactly 8 weeks since surgery but it feels like a year and then some! :( My doc told my bf "get out the handcuffs and cuff her to the bed or something so she behaves and doesn't think she's back to normal or superwoman" and he laughed replying "shucks, she's got them at her house; two of them but maybe I can get some from her former co-workers as well as some shackles". Of course he was kidding, although that sounded kiinda fun (he had a twinkle in his eyes and that certain smile only I know what is behind it, hehehe :devil: ).

Congrats (sorry it's belated) to Bandit and Gil!!! What a way to celebrate receiving the final papers that very day! I know there will be more celebrations in years to come!

Take care all and remember "We arise from our pains and sorrows and grow in strength with the love and help of friends and family...it may take some time and come with ups and downs but we will arise from our past and be given a new life that is of our own choice and happiness!"

Aloha,
shadow :rose: :kiss: :heart:



jazey_43 said:
GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pounces ya gently and snuzzles ya all up*

Hi hon, boy it's good to see you up and moving!! I've missed you!! I was thinking about you the past few days. I just got out of the hospital after a gallbladder attack (i thought i had the flu) required some low key emergency surgery....I couldn't help but think how many hospitals you have endured. It's so good to see you doing well...and I hear someone has an anniversary huh?? Congratssweetness...to both you and that Angel of a Bandit..*hugs her tight*
I am so very happy for you two.
Don't be such a stranger sweets...*hugs ya tight*


SHADOW MY LOVE!!!!!!

Oh Honey, I think of you so often...and now I am so glad to see you're doing so well. I miss you sweetie. You have been in my thoughts constantly and I pray for you often. You just keep up the good work, follow your Dr's orders and let that wonderful b/f keep spoiling ya!! You so deserve it.
I know what you mean about the morphine...I too have lost days on that crap!!
Get back to me when it all comes back to you!...lol...don't strain anything trying to remember tho hon, I'm more concerned about the aftercare and recovery time than anything. This scares the shit out of me but I keep telling myself I can try to be as strong as you...and I will get thru it. You've been a helluva an inspiration Toots...THANK YOU!! Write when ya can...*hugs and smooches ya silly*
 
i was in this situation for 5 years. my first bf constintly begged for sex knowing full well i was a virgin and wasnt ready until finally i was so tired of hearing it i broke down and let him. and i mean let him. i just bent over the bed with my pants around my knees and gave up. that was followed by years of being cheated on and being told he wasnt sure he loved me anymore. if i said no to sex he would cry and tell me i didnt love him and if i did i would to the point i would lock myself in the bathroom for hours and just cry. i tried breaking up with him 3 times only to be called constintly with a hysterical voice on the other end. i thought that if he was that upset maybe he really did care about me. so i would always get back with me. finally it got to the point where he got upset that i was hanging out with male friends (of ours, not just mine) and he would get insanely jelous.
so one night i ended up get drunk with friends and having sex with one of them. i know cheating isnt the greatest idea in the world, and thankfully i was drunk and didnt really have to make that decision with my head (just my crotch) but the experience i had with that guy was so wonderful. the sex was just ok, but the way he touched me and held me and brushed my hair out of my face made me realize how much i was missing with my bf. and i hated him for it. so i ended up breaking up with him for good. 3 days later i got together with our mutural friend (not the one i had sex with but the one he got jelous over). i didnt intend for it to happen but i saw that the way we could talk to eachother and be with eachother meant more to me than a 5 year relationship.

but that didnt mean things got better right away. i'm still healing from all the mental and emotional abuse i went thru for so long. i've been with my new guy for 2 years now. at first i was so afraid to say no to sex and when i did i would get so upset with myself and think that he was going to react the why my ex had. but he constently tells me how much he loves me and he doesnt care if we dont mess around. he's gone a month or so without and never complained. he's never cheated on me and he's even stayed the weekend with his ex. yes i was beyond worried he was going to do something, but he, his ex and her 3 roommates assured me nothing happened.


so... to finally answer your question... it takes time. a LOT of time. and patients and reassurance and love. i know he loves me and wouldnt ever treat me like my ex did. but its a lot harder to unlearn something than it is to learn it. so just be there for her and hold her hand thru it all. and tell her how much she means to you and you wont let anything happen to her
 
lick_me_there said:
i was in this situation for 5 years. my first bf constintly begged for sex knowing full well i was a virgin and wasnt ready until finally i was so tired of hearing it i broke down and let him. and i mean let him. i just bent over the bed with my pants around my knees and gave up. that was followed by years of being cheated on and being told he wasnt sure he loved me anymore. if i said no to sex he would cry and tell me i didnt love him and if i did i would to the point i would lock myself in the bathroom for hours and just cry. i tried breaking up with him 3 times only to be called constintly with a hysterical voice on the other end. i thought that if he was that upset maybe he really did care about me. so i would always get back with me. finally it got to the point where he got upset that i was hanging out with male friends (of ours, not just mine) and he would get insanely jelous.
so one night i ended up get drunk with friends and having sex with one of them. i know cheating isnt the greatest idea in the world, and thankfully i was drunk and didnt really have to make that decision with my head (just my crotch) but the experience i had with that guy was so wonderful. the sex was just ok, but the way he touched me and held me and brushed my hair out of my face made me realize how much i was missing with my bf. and i hated him for it. so i ended up breaking up with him for good. 3 days later i got together with our mutural friend (not the one i had sex with but the one he got jelous over). i didnt intend for it to happen but i saw that the way we could talk to eachother and be with eachother meant more to me than a 5 year relationship.

but that didnt mean things got better right away. i'm still healing from all the mental and emotional abuse i went thru for so long. i've been with my new guy for 2 years now. at first i was so afraid to say no to sex and when i did i would get so upset with myself and think that he was going to react the why my ex had. but he constently tells me how much he loves me and he doesnt care if we dont mess around. he's gone a month or so without and never complained. he's never cheated on me and he's even stayed the weekend with his ex. yes i was beyond worried he was going to do something, but he, his ex and her 3 roommates assured me nothing happened.


so... to finally answer your question... it takes time. a LOT of time. and patients and reassurance and love. i know he loves me and wouldnt ever treat me like my ex did. but its a lot harder to unlearn something than it is to learn it. so just be there for her and hold her hand thru it all. and tell her how much she means to you and you wont let anything happen to her

Hi LMT, congratulations for having the courage to withdraw from a dysfunctional relationship and seek the happiness that you deserve.

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or mental abuse . . . EVER!!

Obviously your first bf had some issues of his own that were unresolved before entering the relationship, and apparently afterwards.

Only from your post; it seems that you are "testing" your new bf. For example, here in Oz sending your bf off to his ex and her gfs would be considered an invitation for terminating the relationship, but from your post you say that you are happy with him.

This apparently contradictary behaviour might suggest that you are still healing from bf1. That is OK, it can take up to 18 months or even 3 years to recover from the loss of a relationship, recovery time being roughly one month for every year, but it is an individual thing.

But more importantly, perhaps it indicates that you want to review your own personal history to determine why you caved in to bf1's demands, and why you are now repeating HIS behaviour of making unreasonable demands with bf2.

For example, in Oz a person having only two relationships in seven years, much of that being in teenage years, would be considered unusual. It may indicate, among other things, that you grew up in a physically or emotionally insecure family environment. Or, it may indicate that you are unsure of yourself and your control over your life. Whatever; it may be useful to spend some time evaluating your values and expectations for life.

As a very broad general rule, children repeat the behaviour of their parents and frequently have to consciously change those behaviours learned in the family to make them acceptable in their society, or to meet the challenge of the instant situation.

If we start with the assumption that our relationships are meant to be fulfilling, satisfying and "fun", then any deviation form these assumptions just doesn't make much sense, and indicates that something may require evaluation. :)
 
had to cut and paste

QUOTE=Bandit58]Hi jazey :kiss: :rose: Sorry to hear you've been in the hospital, they aren't the most fun of places :rolleyes: Gil says he loves snuzzles (but don't tell the other Masters that will ya ;) )

Yes we had our first anniversary on 24th January, it just keeps getting better and better, even though some of the days are not so good we take them one at a time. We both pinch ourselves sometimes just to make sure it's real!

Big gentle hugs back to you sweetie :rose: :)[/QUOTE]


It's got to be the drugs kicking my butt, but I missed this post!! Bandit, I am SO sorry sweetness!! And I promise to keep the *snuzzles* secret...*grins and ggls*

Ya know hon, I look at what you wrote and I think to myself that you 2 have got it all!! How lucky you guys are. Some people would kill for a love like yours, and you and Gil make it look so easy, even tho we all know theres work involved. You 2 are an inspiration to alot of us!! And we are all so happy for you, luv!

I know about the good days and bad days...and you guys gel together so well, I can only hope more people will find what you 2 have...*tight hugs* Give Gil a snuzzle from me will ya cutie? Was GREAT to see again darlin Bandit..*smooches ya silly*
 
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jazey_43 said:
It's got to be the drugs kicking my butt, but I missed this post!! Bandit, I am SO sorry sweetness!! And I promise to keep the *snuzzles* secret...*grins and ggls*

Ya know hon, I look at what you wrote and I think to myself that you 2 have got it all!! How lucky you guys are. Some people would kill for a love like yours, and you and Gil make it look so easy, even tho we all know theres work involved. You 2 are an inspiration to alot of us!! And we are all so happy for you, luv!

I know about the good days and bad days...and you guys gel together so well, I can only hope more people will find what you 2 have...*tight hugs* Give Gil a snuzzle from me will ya cutie? Was GREAT to see again darlin Bandit..*smooches ya silly*

Hi jazey! :kiss: :rose:
I gave Gil the snuzzle and a couple more from me ;) After half a lifetime of being in a marriage with no affection, every day now is just wonderful. I love getting and giving touches, kisses and cuddles. Like today when I had a dental appointment, we stood outside the glass door and held each other and kissed for a few minutes before I went in. The two young girl receptionists were grinning their faces off! :D

We both waited a long time for this, we're gonna make sure it lasts a long time too! :heart: :kiss: :rose:
 
Only from your post; it seems that you are "testing" your new bf. For example, here in Oz sending your bf off to his ex and her gfs would be considered an invitation for terminating the relationship, but from your post you say that you are happy with him.

oh dont get me wrong, i didnt want him staying with her, it was just he was working hours away (in richmond) where she goes to school and it was his birthday so he stayed with her to save on money and to celebrate. i was so worried about him staying with her i cried for about a month before it actually happened.
 
Don K Dyck said:
Hi LMT, congratulations for having the courage to withdraw from a dysfunctional relationship and seek the happiness that you deserve.

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or mental abuse . . . EVER!!

Obviously your first bf had some issues of his own that were unresolved before entering the relationship, and apparently afterwards.

Only from your post; it seems that you are "testing" your new bf. For example, here in Oz sending your bf off to his ex and her gfs would be considered an invitation for terminating the relationship, but from your post you say that you are happy with him.

This apparently contradictary behaviour might suggest that you are still healing from bf1. That is OK, it can take up to 18 months or even 3 years to recover from the loss of a relationship, recovery time being roughly one month for every year, but it is an individual thing.

But more importantly, perhaps it indicates that you want to review your own personal history to determine why you caved in to bf1's demands, and why you are now repeating HIS behaviour of making unreasonable demands with bf2.

For example, in Oz a person having only two relationships in seven years, much of that being in teenage years, would be considered unusual. It may indicate, among other things, that you grew up in a physically or emotionally insecure family environment. Or, it may indicate that you are unsure of yourself and your control over your life. Whatever; it may be useful to spend some time evaluating your values and expectations for life.

As a very broad general rule, children repeat the behaviour of their parents and frequently have to consciously change those behaviours learned in the family to make them acceptable in their society, or to meet the challenge of the instant situation.

If we start with the assumption that our relationships are meant to be fulfilling, satisfying and "fun", then any deviation form these assumptions just doesn't make much sense, and indicates that something may require evaluation. :)

LMT it's great to see you getting more positive about you & hope things continue so that your past becomes little more than a bad memory.LMT if not out of place why do you not want sex for up to a month?

DON I know what you mean about the testing as my ex did this with me, she had a friend of hers hit on me to see if i'd remain faithful (LMY not saying this is why you did it).
As for the recovery time of one month for each year a lot depends on the type, severity & the person affected by it as it took me around 10 years to even date again & dropped dating for just chasing ladies who wanted no complications sex rather than risk the heart again & now with BANDIT's :heart: love & patience I'm free to love her but even so still doubt myself, I don't doubt her love or mine but it is still there in the back of my mind.
 
Gil_T2 said:
LMT if not out of place why do you not want sex for up to a month?


well, its happened twice. first, new birth control pill test trial went badly and ended up getting my period for 3 months straight. i know it was a possible side effect, but we werent into anal until after the frist month and both really wanted sex so we gave it a go... but that was the reason for no sex for the first month-long absence.

i also have sleep schedual issues and i'm always so tired that i end up going to bed about 3 or 4 hours before him. i was soooo tired for so long that i didnt have the slightest urge to have sex (there is a post on here about that one, somewhere.) thankfully he's ok with all my little issues.

one day i'll be normal (as normal as i can be at least) and have sex all the time, and be completely over the tramas of the ex and be able to completely move on and have our little happy life that we've been dreaming about together. i cant wait! :)
 
lick_me_there said:
well, its happened twice. first, new birth control pill test trial went badly and ended up getting my period for 3 months straight. i know it was a possible side effect, but we werent into anal until after the frist month and both really wanted sex so we gave it a go... but that was the reason for no sex for the first month-long absence.

i also have sleep schedual issues and i'm always so tired that i end up going to bed about 3 or 4 hours before him. i was soooo tired for so long that i didnt have the slightest urge to have sex (there is a post on here about that one, somewhere.) thankfully he's ok with all my little issues.

one day i'll be normal (as normal as i can be at least) and have sex all the time, and be completely over the tramas of the ex and be able to completely move on and have our little happy life that we've been dreaming about together. i cant wait! :)

Wow you ladies sure do it rough, I do know about screwed up sleep paterns as I have insomnia & most times i'd do just about anything to feel normal.
 
shadow_dreamer said:
Just wishing everyone a HAPPY EASTER!!!


:nana: :nana: :nana: doing the easter bunny dance, hehehe

*Gil joins SD in a BANANA dance but you should take it easy on the dancing.

BANDIT :heart: is still in New Zealand & likely won't be home till next weekend as she is flying down to spend time with her mum on Tuseday & she has been spending time with her daughter & friends back in the rural area she used to live in, she is well & coping with it all after her dad's funeral on Wednesday.
I'm missing her & still upset that i couldn't travel to be with her.
 
BUMPing the thread with the news that Gil and I are back together at home as of last night, and we have something to tell you:

Announcement
 
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