How do you help someone get over being abused

[kikmosa]

It all boils down to self esteem and self image.

Its not uncommon for the person being abused to start to believe the put downs and ego shattering comments from the abuser. Eventually they get to the point where you can tell them you love them and their thinking "He's lying, no one can love someone as crappy as me!".

Personally I think that everyone thats been abused to that point cannot be told that someone loves them until they can rebuild their own self esteem up to where it should be.

If we can't love ourselves, how can we accept anyone else loving us?
At times I hate and despise myself. I should have been stronger and gotten away from him, I shouldn't have listened to any of the things he said, I should have reported him, I should have never given in and let it go on and on and on......
So many things I should have or could have done, I can see that now. At the time all I saw was the less I fought, the less it hurt. After awhile, I stopped thinking at all.
Its hard to keep fighting day after day after day. You get tired, depressed, discourged. You feel as if the whole world is against you. Your world narrows until all you have is a small space and this hour, no more. At that point your not living, your only surviving. Soon it gets to the point where you no longer care if you survive, you just want it to end.
These feelings don't just go away. We live with this day in and day out. We constantly hear each and every cruel and painful word said to us. Feel every blow ever dealt us.
Until we can silence the voices of our memories, we won't be able to hear the words of those who care. Words of love are drowned out by the words of hate still echoing in our heads. For some of us, they may never be silenced.

 

[Quoll]

KIKI

 

[kikmosa]

KIKI

Thank you.

 

[Quoll]

If we can't love ourselves, how can we accept anyone else loving us?
At times I hate and despise myself. I should have been stronger and gotten away from him, I shouldn't have listened to any of the things he said, I should have reported him, I should have never given in and let it go on and on and on......
So many things I should have or could have done, I can see that now. At the time all I saw was the less I fought, the less it hurt. After awhile, I stopped thinking at all.
Its hard to keep fighting day after day after day. You get tired, depressed, discourged. You feel as if the whole world is against you. Your world narrows until all you have is a small space and this hour, no more. At that point your not living, your only surviving. Soon it gets to the point where you no longer care if you survive, you just want it to end.
These feelings don't just go away. We live with this day in and day out. We constantly hear each and every cruel and painful word said to us. Feel every blow ever dealt us.
Until we can silence the voices of our memories, we won't be able to hear the words of those who care. Words of love are drowned out by the words of hate still echoing in our heads. For some of us, they may never be silenced.

Kiki, some of the most powerful words I have ever read.

When I went to the counselling sessions with my wife, she too was full of self blame, "why didn`t I do this" etc.
The counsellor said that she was looking at things through the eyes of an adult, when the abuse happened as a child. When you try to look at it through the eyes of a child you realise that what you did was all that you could do.
I know that you were not a child, but you were a prisoner, you need to look back through the eyes of a prisoner, not the free person that you are now. You did whatever you had to do to survive, as survival was your only option.

When my wife was being interviwed by the police, the policewoman commented that they are not allowed to ask "why" about anything, it makes good sense. The answer to any question about why is simply because you had no choice.

I hope you can get something from this.
I know we don`t know each other but I find your strenghth so inspiring I just had to say something.

 

[Gil_T2]

If we can't love ourselves, how can we accept anyone else loving us?
At times I hate and despise myself. I should have been stronger and gotten away from him, I shouldn't have listened to any of the things he said, I should have reported him, I should have never given in and let it go on and on and on......
So many things I should have or could have done, I can see that now. At the time all I saw was the less I fought, the less it hurt. After awhile, I stopped thinking at all.
Its hard to keep fighting day after day after day. You get tired, depressed, discourged. You feel as if the whole world is against you. Your world narrows until all you have is a small space and this hour, no more. At that point your not living, your only surviving. Soon it gets to the point where you no longer care if you survive, you just want it to end.
These feelings don't just go away. We live with this day in and day out. We constantly hear each and every cruel and painful word said to us. Feel every blow ever dealt us.
Until we can silence the voices of our memories, we won't be able to hear the words of those who care. Words of love are drowned out by the words of hate still echoing in our heads. For some of us, they may never be silenced.

Dear KIKI thankyou for your open & honest reply to the post by BOBMI.

 

[Quoll]

BUMP

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP

Thanks for the bump QUOLL

 

[Don K Dyck]

It was a hard road to travel.

First I was into something I had not clue as to what was going on. LOL. near the end she said some profetic words. When I asked what is this all about. She said, "Your a grown man. Figure it out!"

I did. With out her help. I know now who she is.

The advice given.... Part of which I followed intuitively. Part of it I learned later.

What saved me was I knew who I was. As shaken as I was, as demoralized as I became I still knew who I was. At one point she asked, "Why didnt I just hit her?" My reply, "Why should I hit the person I love?"

My problem was I didnt know what she was going through. I didnt know at the time she didnt believe she could be loved right. To my shame, she had implied and sometimes tried to tell me that. It didnt make sense to me. I thought she was saying something else and I misunderstood her.

That proved her point I was not listening.

My story does not end well. Not even close. It ended with disillusionment, anger and pain. I understand completely the feeling in the first post of the ohter thread giving up everything that is you so she could have what she needed. I was trying to give what she thought she needed and not what she truly needed.

I can talk about it today without anger. I can describe the pain, the anger, the hurt with out feeling it. The only time I get roused is when she attacks a friend with her lies.

That stems from the fact I want to be recognized for the good that I did for her. You can not change her opinion or the people she poisoned. I have to come to terms with that. I have mostly healed myself. I still have some work to do.

She has not healed. She does not know what she has done. That is not my problem any more. Most days I can forgive her now that I understand. I have to work on forgiving her completely.

It is hard to see the lies and not be recognized as such. I understand this now too. In time I will be able to forgive this also.

***************************************
I will not be printing this thread out soon. It is 1127 pages.

Hi Tigerclaw,

Perhaps it is time for you to move on . . . remember the good times and move on . . . the most important person in YOUR world is . . . YOU . . . and if you are not getting positive feedback from your relationship, then eventually the well runs dry and you are likely to frizzle up as well . . .

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there are some persons in our lives who cannot, or do not, want to change their view of the world and the people in it. When that happens, it is very sad, but it is also best to leave them with their distorted vision, until THEY are ready to change it at some unknown and indeterminate date in the future . . .

Meanwhile, we each have a right to happiness, however we each define it . . . but few people define happiness as waiting for somebody else tochange their distorted view of the world . . .

It is a New Year . . . a time for new resolutions new energy driving us in new fulfilling directions . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Tigerclaw,

Perhaps it is time for you to move on . . . remember the good times and move on . . . the most important person in YOUR world is . . . YOU . . . and if you are not getting positive feedback from your relationship, then eventually the well runs dry and you are likely to frizzle up as well . . .

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there are some persons in our lives who cannot, or do not, want to change their view of the world and the people in it. When that happens, it is very sad, but it is also best to leave them with their distorted vision, until THEY are ready to change it at some unknown and indeterminate date in the future . . .

Meanwhile, we each have a right to happiness, however we each define it . . . but few people define happiness as waiting for somebody else tochange their distorted view of the world . . .

It is a New Year . . . a time for new resolutions new energy driving us in new fulfilling directions . . .

Hi DON & I hope your xmas & new year were great for you.

 

[bicuriousblue]

Abuse

I know that this was posted some time ago but I would also like to add something that has helped me through a lot. I know that one of the hardest things to do on the face of the earth is forgive the person that abused you, I will honestly say that if you can forgive this person you will feel better about yourself. Never forget what has happened to you and learn from the experience if you can. Learn the signs if there are any. I truely believe that you will feel much better about yourself and about others once you forgive and let yourself move on. It is a tough road but I believe we are all strong in our own way and with help from friends like you have here you can make it through anything. If anyone ever needs a friend to talk to about this please feel free to PM me. Keep your chin up and work on that self esteem. Hugs from me to you.

 

[Quoll]

Re: Abuse

I know that this was posted some time ago but I would also like to add something that has helped me through a lot. I know that one of the hardest things to do on the face of the earth is forgive the person that abused you, I will honestly say that if you can forgive this person you will feel better about yourself. Never forget what has happened to you and learn from the experience if you can. Learn the signs if there are any. I truely believe that you will feel much better about yourself and about others once you forgive and let yourself move on. It is a tough road but I believe we are all strong in our own way and with help from friends like you have here you can make it through anything. If anyone ever needs a friend to talk to about this please feel free to PM me. Keep your chin up and work on that self esteem. Hugs from me to you.

Blue, everyone who posts here has the one aim in mind, and that is to help.
There are many different things that can help, what works for some will not work for others.
I have heard this said before, as I was not abused I will not venture an opinion, however as the spouse of someone who was abused I can state that from her perspective that will never happen.
To forgive the abuser implies that they were ill or made a mistake, or perhaps were encouraged, this is NOT the case.
Now I will speak from experience.
I spent a large amount of time talking to a forensic psychologist, this man spent months interviewing sex offenders in jail (These prisoners gained nothing from talking to this man)and to cut a long story short the facts that he got from these people are:90-95 per cent of their time is devoted to finding their victims, EVERYTHING else, wife, family, job, social life is a means to an end, the word predator is well chosen. They do this by CHOICE.
Sorry but this is a highly emotive issue and as I said before some things work for some people and some don`t.
If forgiving your abuser helped you then I am extremely happy for you.
I did not mean for this post to devalue your input, only to let you know that not everyone will agree with your suggestion and some may strongly disagree.
Your caring is evident, please don`t be discouraged from posting.

 

[Quoll]

German Cleared in Disappearance of Boy


Wednesday January 5, 2005 4:31 PM

AP Photo STO801

By SUTIN WANNABOVORN

Associated Press Writer

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - A 12-year-old Swedish tsunami victim who was the focus of reports that he may have been kidnapped was never treated at any Thai hospital, the health ministry said Wednesday.

A child matching the description of Kristian Walker was seen leaving Taimuang hospital, in devastated Phang Nga province, a day after the tsunami struck on Dec. 26. He was last seen with an unidentified foreign man leaving the hospital.

But police said Wednesday the man, Stephan Kayser of Munich, Germany, has been cleared after questioning.

Police Sgt. Vichai Boonruen said police had confirmed Kayser's account that he had helped seven people, including a Swedish boy named Martin Samerud, who later was reunited with his mother.

``We have ruled out the theory that this man kidnapped anyone,'' Vichai said.

Vichai Thienthavorn, permanent secretary of the Public Health Ministry, told reporters that Kristian never showed up in Taimuang or any other hospital in Thailand.

``The reports about the disappearance of the boy might have resulted from a misunderstanding,'' he said. ``We have make thorough checks of the records, and no such name arrived at any hospital.''

Police brought Kayser and his wife, Annette, from their home in badly hit Phang Nga province to meet with media in Phuket. The couple said they have lived in Thailand for about half of each of the last five years in a house about three miles from the beach and not far from the hospital. It was unscathed by the tsunami, so they wanted to help out.

They initially took in two German couples and their two children who had no other place to stay except the hospital. On another trip to the hospital, they met Martin, who they said has shoulder-length blond hair and has only a slight resemblance to fellow Swede, Kristian.

``His parents were missing and he had no bed of his own. He was lying in the bed of some huge, strange man and there were two Swedish people who were not injured'' looking after him, Mrs. Kayser said.

The Swedish men asked Kayser if he and his wife would look after Martin if the doctors said the boy could leave.

``We asked the boy whether he wanted to come, and he wanted to, and the next morning we brought him back,'' Mrs. Kayser said, noting that Martin was reunited with his mother then.

Kristian's grandfather, Daniel Walker of Vero Beach, Fla., attended the news conference and said Kayser had ``absolutely zero'' to do with his grandson. He also applauded the Kaysers for helping tsunami victims.

Daniel Walker has been going around with photos of Kristian, and doctors at Taimuang hospital said they had seen a boy who looked like him come in for treatment for water in his ears.

``I will be hopeful until the last minute,'' Walker said Wednesday.

Kristian had been on vacation with his mother, Madeleine, who is still missing, along with bother David, 14, and sister Anna, 7, who were found and are back home in Sweden.

Two Swedish police officers have been assisting in the investigation, Swedish National Police spokeswoman Carolina Ekeus said.

In the wake of the devastating tsunami, there have been unconfirmed reports of dozens of orphaned children being taken by unidentified people, some of them possibly child traffickers.

Thai Foreign Minister Surakiart Sathirathai said Tuesday his government was working closely with hospitals to prevent human trafficking gangs from taking advantage of the situation, although he stressed that there was no firm indication that they were.

This week, the Swedish branch of Save the Children warned governments in south Asia to be mindful of children left orphaned or without families in the disaster, saying they could be potential targets for pedophiles.

``The experience from other catastrophes is that children are particularly vulnerable,'' said Charlotte Petri Gornitzka, managing director of the agency.

On Wednesday, UNICEF spokesman John Budd, based in Banda Aceh, said the group had two confirmed reports of attempted child trafficking but he did not immediately provide further details.

Fueling the suspicions, many Indonesians have received mobile phone text messages this week inviting them to adopt orphans from Aceh. The police are investigating the messages. It's not clear whether they are pranks, real adoption offers or linked to trafficking networks.

 

[babydoll2u]

omg... wow

 

[Bandit58]

Re: Abuse

I know that this was posted some time ago but I would also like to add something that has helped me through a lot. I know that one of the hardest things to do on the face of the earth is forgive the person that abused you, I will honestly say that if you can forgive this person you will feel better about yourself. Never forget what has happened to you and learn from the experience if you can. Learn the signs if there are any. I truely believe that you will feel much better about yourself and about others once you forgive and let yourself move on. It is a tough road but I believe we are all strong in our own way and with help from friends like you have here you can make it through anything. If anyone ever needs a friend to talk to about this please feel free to PM me. Keep your chin up and work on that self esteem. Hugs from me to you.

I don't think I can. It will be 3 years soon since I left him, I have moved on and have a happy life with Gil, but still find the old feelings coming up sometimes. My ex emotionally abused me, raped me (well it did feel like rape every time he wanted sex, because I didn't want it and hated it). I would be happy if I never had to have contact with him ever again but financially we are tied for another 8 years and forever because we have children. We live in different countries now but my daughter still lives with him for at least another year.

The trouble is, he would deny that it was abuse. Even I did not realise the extent of it until I began to do some reading and talking to others online. He was manipulative and controlling and does not even realise it.
I'm angry, mostly with myself because I didn't see it and was too afraid to do anything about it for so long. I try not to think about it but then something will come up with the kids and all the old feelings will come bubbling up.

Forgiveness? No. I can't. Or won't. Probably not ever.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Abuse

Blue, everyone who posts here has the one aim in mind, and that is to help.
There are many different things that can help, what works for some will not work for others.
I have heard this said before, as I was not abused I will not venture an opinion, however as the spouse of someone who was abused I can state that from her perspective that will never happen.
To forgive the abuser implies that they were ill or made a mistake, or perhaps were encouraged, this is NOT the case.
Now I will speak from experience.
I spent a large amount of time talking to a forensic psychologist, this man spent months interviewing sex offenders in jail (These prisoners gained nothing from talking to this man)and to cut a long story short the facts that he got from these people are:90-95 per cent of their time is devoted to finding their victims, EVERYTHING else, wife, family, job, social life is a means to an end, the word predator is well chosen. They do this by CHOICE.
Sorry but this is a highly emotive issue and as I said before some things work for some people and some don`t.
If forgiving your abuser helped you then I am extremely happy for you.
I did not mean for this post to devalue your input, only to let you know that not everyone will agree with your suggestion and some may strongly disagree.
Your caring is evident, please don`t be discouraged from posting.

Almost all of the ppl here have been victims of smoe form of abuse like mental,physical or rape ect but it is clear the very best way to help lessen the remaining pains of theabuse is to seek professional help.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Abuse

I don't think I can. It will be 3 years soon since I left him, I have moved on and have a happy life with Gil, but still find the old feelings coming up sometimes. My ex emotionally abused me, raped me (well it did feel like rape every time he wanted sex, because I didn't want it and hated it). I would be happy if I never had to have contact with him ever again but financially we are tied for another 8 years and forever because we have children. We live in different countries now but my daughter still lives with him for at least another year.

The trouble is, he would deny that it was abuse. Even I did not realise the extent of it until I began to do some reading and talking to others online. He was manipulative and controlling and does not even realise it.
I'm angry, mostly with myself because I didn't see it and was too afraid to do anything about it for so long. I try not to think about it but then something will come up with the kids and all the old feelings will come bubbling up.

Forgiveness? No. I can't. Or won't. Probably not ever.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BANDIT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The only thing i can assure you of is that abuse won't happen again with me as you have shown me that you are the love of my life & we ain't no young ppl here.

 

[bicuriousblue]

Gil_T2 & Bandit58

Gil_T2 you are awesome for Bandit58 and I can tell you lover her very much. I can also tell you are very understanding and that if she needs any type of support you are there for her. As someone that has been abused myself, I have to say thank God that there are men out there like you. Men like you are the ones that show us that we can trust some men in this world. I can tell you are her friend, lover, her rock when she needs strength and that she means the world to you. I say to you keep on doing what you are, men like you are hard to find.

Bandit58, Thank you for sharing and helping others to see what they are going through is not right, that there is a way out, and also that there are men out there ( few and far between) that are willing to help us heal from the abuse we have been through. You have a wonderful guy there that is very understanding and caring and more men to be like him. I hope that ONE day you will be able to forgive your abuser and I understand that right now you feel there is no way to do so. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to be the happiest woman in the world. Always hold your head up high and be strong because it takes a strong person to make it through it all.

I myself have forgiven the people that have hurt me in my life. I know this is not for everyone and that is not what I am trying to say. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I myself lost almost 5 years of my life because of the memories and the abuse. I blocked it out to try and get myself over it. No one knew what had happened to me but me and my best friend and I didn't want anyone to know. I hid it well but when I was alone I would get flashbacks of what had happened and all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and never come out. After those 5 years I realized how bad I was emotionally. I was very depressed and really did not want to live. At this time I was only 17 years old and knew that I had to do something. I was not going to let them get the best of me and take my life away from me. I started to fight back and get myself out of the emotional state I was in. It took me many years to realize that it was not my fault that this had happened to me. Before I go on and on, I am just going to say that the only way that I have found for myself to be able to make it through was to be able to forgive them but never forget.
I have also decided to go back to school and get a degree in which I can help others that have been through this. Many people do not know they are being abused and many of the ones that do know do not realize there is a way out. I am taking what has happened to me and turning it into something good. I can hope and wish for all of you that have also been abused in any way, to do the same thing and show that we are not going to stand back and take any more. It is time to fight back and ladies and men I know we can win this fight.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Gil_T2 & Bandit58

Gil_T2 you are awesome for Bandit58 and I can tell you lover her very much. I can also tell you are very understanding and that if she needs any type of support you are there for her. As someone that has been abused myself, I have to say thank God that there are men out there like you. Men like you are the ones that show us that we can trust some men in this world. I can tell you are her friend, lover, her rock when she needs strength and that she means the world to you. I say to you keep on doing what you are, men like you are hard to find.

Bandit58, Thank you for sharing and helping others to see what they are going through is not right, that there is a way out, and also that there are men out there ( few and far between) that are willing to help us heal from the abuse we have been through. You have a wonderful guy there that is very understanding and caring and more men to be like him. I hope that ONE day you will be able to forgive your abuser and I understand that right now you feel there is no way to do so. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to be the happiest woman in the world. Always hold your head up high and be strong because it takes a strong person to make it through it all.

I myself have forgiven the people that have hurt me in my life. I know this is not for everyone and that is not what I am trying to say. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I myself lost almost 5 years of my life because of the memories and the abuse. I blocked it out to try and get myself over it. No one knew what had happened to me but me and my best friend and I didn't want anyone to know. I hid it well but when I was alone I would get flashbacks of what had happened and all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and never come out. After those 5 years I realized how bad I was emotionally. I was very depressed and really did not want to live. At this time I was only 17 years old and knew that I had to do something. I was not going to let them get the best of me and take my life away from me. I started to fight back and get myself out of the emotional state I was in. It took me many years to realize that it was not my fault that this had happened to me. Before I go on and on, I am just going to say that the only way that I have found for myself to be able to make it through was to be able to forgive them but never forget.
I have also decided to go back to school and get a degree in which I can help others that have been through this. Many people do not know they are being abused and many of the ones that do know do not realize there is a way out. I am taking what has happened to me and turning it into something good. I can hope and wish for all of you that have also been abused in any way, to do the same thing and show that we are not going to stand back and take any more. It is time to fight back and ladies and men I know we can win this fight.

Thanks for the post but BANDIT is my rock,lover & one very special lady who has been through abuse yet still found it in her heart to trust me, I had resigned to just sex with willing ladies & had totally given up on the love thing ever happening again & this was after many years of not even caring about sex or being alone due to the mental abuse I got from my wife.... BANDIT lit in me the desire to love again & we have been through hard times since but kiss,cuddle & state our love every day.

There are many good men out there so don't give up hope.

 

[Don K Dyck]

bumpitty bump bump bump

 

[Gil_T2]

bumpitty bump bump bump

Please keep SHADOW DREAMER in your thoughts as she goes through surgery & recovery.

 

[Quoll]

Re: Re: Abuse

Abuse I know that this was posted some time ago but I would also like to add something that has helped me through a lot. I know that one of the hardest things to do on the face of the earth is forgive the person that abused you, I will honestly say that if you can forgive this person you will feel better about yourself. Never forget what has happened to you and learn from the experience if you can. Learn the signs if there are any. I truely believe that you will feel much better about yourself and about others once you forgive and let yourself move on. It is a tough road but I believe we are all strong in our own way and with help from friends like you have here you can make it through anything. If anyone ever needs a friend to talk to about this please feel free to PM me. Keep your chin up and work on that self esteem. Hugs from me to you.

Blue, everyone who posts here has the one aim in mind, and that is to help.
There are many different things that can help, what works for some will not work for others.
I have heard this said before, as I was not abused I will not venture an opinion, however as the spouse of someone who was abused I can state that from her perspective that will never happen.
To forgive the abuser implies that they were ill or made a mistake, or perhaps were encouraged, this is NOT the case.
Now I will speak from experience.
I spent a large amount of time talking to a forensic psychologist, this man spent months interviewing sex offenders in jail (These prisoners gained nothing from talking to this man)and to cut a long story short the facts that he got from these people are:90-95 per cent of their time is devoted to finding their victims, EVERYTHING else, wife, family, job, social life is a means to an end, the word predator is well chosen. They do this by CHOICE.
Sorry but this is a highly emotive issue and as I said before some things work for some people and some don`t.
If forgiving your abuser helped you then I am extremely happy for you.
I did not mean for this post to devalue your input, only to let you know that not everyone will agree with your suggestion and some may strongly disagree.
Your caring is evident, please don`t be discouraged from posting.

Blue, it has been 6 days since I posted this and it is still in my head. Now I am the first to admit that my head is not always there, but I have learnt that when something wont go away there is a problem, so I re-read this post several times.

I apologise

While the words I posted are basically my true feelings, the spirit of the post is mean and hurtful and I am ashamed if I have added to your suffering in any way.
I am sure if I had stopped and thought more carefully I could have gotten my point across without sounding so mean spirited. The only excuse I can give is that I jumped to the defence of my wife. (who you did not attack in any way) It was my anger at her suffering and I feel that I took it out on you for no good reason.
I was so wrong to do this to you.

I will try to explain my anger.
My wife was abused from the age of 4 - 15, It is not my place to go into any detail of what she suffered and I am sure we all have a pretty good grasp of what happens.
She to had blocked large amounts of the abuse out.
Eventually she told me and we attended counselling together for a few years. She has coped well and leads as fulfilling a life as one can.
The one stumbling block, if you like, was been told to forgive her abuser, she was told this by people that had little or no knowledge of abuse. (Why does this, of all things make me so angry?) Ok I just can`t come to terms with this. (My issue not yours) I have been sitting here at this spot for half an hour now. I guess it comes from the massive betrayal, and the things that were taken from her, things that were hers to give freely in her own time, and that she can never give now. I cannot understand the need to forgive. I have tried but I cannot get my head around it.
My issue . My problem. My mistake.


I am truly happy that this has worked for you, I had no right to undermine what you were saying.

I am truly sorry.

I myself have forgiven the people that have hurt me in my life. I know this is not for everyone and that is not what I am trying to say. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I myself lost almost 5 years of my life because of the memories and the abuse. I blocked it out to try and get myself over it. No one knew what had happened to me but me and my best friend and I didn't want anyone to know. I hid it well but when I was alone I would get flashbacks of what had happened and all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and never come out. After those 5 years I realized how bad I was emotionally. I was very depressed and really did not want to live. At this time I was only 17 years old and knew that I had to do something. I was not going to let them get the best of me and take my life away from me. I started to fight back and get myself out of the emotional state I was in. It took me many years to realize that it was not my fault that this had happened to me. Before I go on and on, I am just going to say that the only way that I have found for myself to be able to make it through was to be able to forgive them but never forget. I have also decided to go back to school and get a degree in which I can help others that have been through this. Many people do not know they are being abused and many of the ones that do know do not realize there is a way out. I am taking what has happened to me and turning it into something good. I can hope and wish for all of you that have also been abused in any way, to do the same thing and show that we are not going to stand back and take any more. It is time to fight back and ladies and men I know we can win this fight.

Blue you have done some wonderful things for yourself you should be very proud.
Sincerest apologies, Quoll

 

[Gil_T2]

QUOLL we must all deal with our demons of the past & like you I can NOT FORGIVE my ex & that is my choice & I have my reasons & as for forgiving a child abuse that I can understand as there is no way that anyone doing this to a child should be damned eternally & then some.

It's a shame that ppl can become qualified to treat ppl of abuse,
rape ect & there are some who shouldn't be allowed to doing this job but like any repairs you get done you have to research to get the right one for you.

 

[bicuriousblue]

Re: Re: Re: Abuse

Blue, it has been 6 days since I posted this and it is still in my head. Now I am the first to admit that my head is not always there, but I have learnt that when something wont go away there is a problem, so I re-read this post several times.

I apologise

While the words I posted are basically my true feelings, the spirit of the post is mean and hurtful and I am ashamed if I have added to your suffering in any way.
I am sure if I had stopped and thought more carefully I could have gotten my point across without sounding so mean spirited. The only excuse I can give is that I jumped to the defence of my wife. (who you did not attack in any way) It was my anger at her suffering and I feel that I took it out on you for no good reason.
I was so wrong to do this to you.

I will try to explain my anger.
My wife was abused from the age of 4 - 15, It is not my place to go into any detail of what she suffered and I am sure we all have a pretty good grasp of what happens.
She to had blocked large amounts of the abuse out.
Eventually she told me and we attended counselling together for a few years. She has coped well and leads as fulfilling a life as one can.
The one stumbling block, if you like, was been told to forgive her abuser, she was told this by people that had little or no knowledge of abuse. (Why does this, of all things make me so angry?) Ok I just can`t come to terms with this. (My issue not yours) I have been sitting here at this spot for half an hour now. I guess it comes from the massive betrayal, and the things that were taken from her, things that were hers to give freely in her own time, and that she can never give now. I cannot understand the need to forgive. I have tried but I cannot get my head around it.
My issue . My problem. My mistake.


I am truly happy that this has worked for you, I had no right to undermine what you were saying.

I am truly sorry.




Blue you have done some wonderful things for yourself you should be very proud.
Sincerest apologies, Quoll

Quoll, Thank you for your apology. I accept your apology and just want to add that everyone has a right to his or her oppinion. Each person has their own way of dealing with things and some may or may not be able to forgive the person that violated them in any way. You have not added to my hurt in any way. I understand exactly where it came from and that it is your right to say how you feel. I also want to add that if you have any questions on what I went through or if you want to know more feel free to send me a PM and I will gladly explain things more there. Thank you again and I know it came from the heart. I FORGIVE YOU Have a wonderful night! I would also like to add a link of a friend of mines that ya'll might enjoy looking at ..... http://tcatslady.topcities.com/Lost.html

As her sight says at the bottom: "I Am Not A Victim Of Abuse, I Am A Survivor."
Blue

 

[Quoll]

It's a shame that ppl can become qualified to treat ppl of abuse,
rape ect & there are some who shouldn't be allowed to doing this job but like any repairs you get done you have to research to get the right one for you.

Gil, This is so true, The first counsellor, we went to was fantastic, she had reservations about me being there, but said nothing until after a few sessions, then she told us, that it would not have helped if at the first session she had asked me to leave as I was there to support my wife.
She never did ask me to leave as she could see that we were in this together and at the time my wife relied heavily on me for support plus we were both benefitting from the counselling. If it wasn`t for this woman I don`t know where we would be, I just pray that she is still helping others.

Unfortunately she moved to another area and we were given a new counsellor.
Oh what a difference, she had no interest in helping either of us with the abuse, all she wanted to do was to cure my wife of her "unhealthy" reliance on me, too stand on her own, she was not interested in hearing how strong or intertwined our relationship is, it was just unhealthy to be so reliant on one person. To tell a wife that she should not rely on her husband is criminal in my mind.
She banned me from coming, my wife went three more times and never went back. Our "unhealthy" relationship continues to this day, stronger than ever. I shudder to think how we would have coped if she had been our first counsellor.

So like Gil has said before, research, and if you are not happy with the support you are getting then leave and try again.

 

[Quoll]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Abuse

Thank you again and I know it came from the heart. I FORGIVE YOU [/B]

Blue, Thank you for your kindness and understanding and your great capacity for forgiveness.

The Loving husband of a survivor

http://tcatslady.topcities.com/Lost.html