BDSM: Questions and Answers

[SpectreT]

It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late, hits you when you're down
It's a fool's game, nothing but a fool's game
Standing in the cold rain, feeling like a clown


I'll be away for awhile.
Just didn't want anyone wondering about that, if anyone would have.

Thanks for letting us know. I have been kind of wondering where you were. I'm really starting to dislike the clouds AV; it means you're hurting, and not in a good way. Sorry; had to get a silly joke in, it's my way when something's bothering me. The rest goes to you in a PM, to be read when you return to us.

Hope you rejoin us soon.

 

[ChaoticLil]

Cym, you're always missed

At least with me. i cherish your wisdom and advise.

Go take care of yourself. You're worth it.

i'll look forward to your return.

 

[RisiaSkye]

cym--you will be much missed, and your return much celebrated by many. Please call or PM me a time to call you, I'm growing very concerned out here in the void. -R

 

[Merelan]

Cym is gone for a bit? Hurting? Who would hurt her? You know what I mean. Rotten, mean rotten. Makes merelan think bad thoughts, not the nice cozy, warm ones, or the hot, steamy ones. But those bleak mean ones.

On the other hand. I shall sit here patiently, well as patiently as I can, and miss her.

I didn't take the survey as I do not live the lifestyle, yet. Only here at lit and in my correspondance with Mistress. Did not think that was what they are looking for. Was there a way to read it without taking it? Without skewing their numbers?

 

[SpectreT]

Merelan, my advice is leave that survey alone. I only made it through thirty pages of it, answering the same questions for like the fifth time in a row, with only subtle nuance to separate the repetition, before my poor brain tried to turn into jelly and run out of my nose. I'll go back and finish it off, it's a worthy cause; we're not some freakshow, and we deserve the same understanding and respect everyone else gets.

(sorry, another conversation which included the phrase "those perverts" has recently taken place, and I'm a little bit pissed. I'm a DEVIANT, damnit! And I'm part of the group tarred by the brush "perverts" by my own freakin' parents, no less.....)

<wandering in figure-eight patterns, muttering " 'perverts', huh?" over and over again>

hm? Oh, sorry. I get surly when people don't even make at least a token effort to understand.

 

[morninggirl5]

Spectre, you're not DEVIANT. Using the true "normal" I'm sure we all fit in the parameters. 95% of behavior falls under the umbrella of normal, you'd have to be really way out there to make that slim 5% truly deviant.

 

[SpectreT]

Deviancy

Heh. I was more referring to what popular conception of "normal" is, rather than any rational, factual basis of people's sexuality and sexual activities. Technically, crossdressing and bondage (as Dom(me), sub, or switch) and anything except pure 'nilla sex, is deviant. That's a technicality, and I'm aware that it's not even remotely realistic.

I call myself a deviant as a sort of sarcastic acknowledgement that I'm not 'nilla, and having a little ego trip about it. The label usually only comes out when someone bashes on my turn-ons, and acts like they're unacceptable. It was a conversation I had with my parents, and they used the phrase "those perverts" to discuss something involving bondage. They really don't "get it", and I get a little pissed knowing I can't even talk to them about this without having a long talk involving my "unnatural" desires.

 

[cymbidia]

I want to thank you all from the depths of my heart for your kind words of concern and caring during this particularly black time in my life. I don't think anything in my life has ever hit me as hard as this. It blindsided me and i am still floundering, trying to deal with aftermath.

All, however, may not be lost; i will see what the next few weeks bring as they unfold. For now, my life and emotions remain in a state of flux, still bouncing almost hourly from anger and anguish to hope and resolution to defeatism to optimism to sadness and depression and then to a determination not to simply sit still and accept this wrong done to the glorious *us* that was - and may still be.

I'm not as lost as i was in the very beginning, that much is true, and it's due in part to you and those like you who have offered me the incredible comfort of a warmly caring human touch.

Thank you.
Sincerely.

 

[Merelan]

Holding out my hand, and heart to you. Wishing I had your magic with words. But a smile is all I can offer.

 

[cellis]

Oh Merelan... you have your own magic with words...

cymbidia... i just told a friend this morning that you have to recognize those little gifts the gods give us.... and that is what you are one those gifts from the gods... take care... you have sorely been missed....

 

[Blackbich]

Oh Merelan... you have your own magic with words...

cymbidia... i just told a friend this morning that you have to recognize those little gifts the gods give us.... and that is what you are one those gifts from the gods... take care... you have sorely been missed....

Ditto!

 

[Merelan]

I have a question, and thought I was better off asking here. In fact, I have the feeling it is somewhere in this thread already but couldn't find it when I scanned it.

Wax, drippig slowly onto the body. Hmmmm.... okay. What kind of wax? I know some will burn and some will you know, hmmmm me. But remember one of you said to be careful. Does anyone know?

 

[lilfrk]

Merelan

Page 14 luv

 

[cymbidia]

Re: Merelan

Page 14 luv

http://www.bdsm-peergroup.com/Resources_Hot_Wax_Play.html
Melting Points
First, lets talk a little about the types of wax and the temperatures at which they become liquid (melt). The following table describes different types of waxes, based on their additive content, in what form they might likely be found and their initial melting points:
Wax type..........Where Found..........Melt Points

Raw parafin................Canning wax, bulk..............115° - 126°F
(soft)

Votive candles............Cylinders up to 6 in............131° - 141°F
(harder)

Taper candles..............Candlesticks....................141°F +
(hard)..........................Table candles

Hurricane lamp.................................................154°F +
(hard)

Beeswax....................Numerous candle
(waxy to hard)...........styles, bulk........................146°F + [/B]

The sun is coming out for me again; you guys are wonderful.
b.

 

[Merelan]

Look cymbidia, I saw that little smile. So pretty, so lovely.

Thank you again. Hmmm now... where shall I start?

 

[cymbidia]

What we had here, to paraphrase Cool Hand Luke, was an abysmally abject failure to communicate, him to me. Heaped atop that, immediately and wildly, was my shockingly sudden and nearly total disinclination to trust - him, me, us, our promises to each other, and the strength of what lies between us and ties our lives together so completely. The almost-final blow was delivered via the cruel auspices of distance, a cold-hearted bitch of an instigator when problems lie heavy and hard between emotionally bonded people.

Result?
Agonizing pain and bleakness for us both.
No color. No music. No solace. No comfort.
The end of the world as we know it.

But we're nothing if not perfectly suited to each other, perhaps desperately at times but irrevocably too, it seems. And there's nothing more real and true in the entire world than the love that lies between us, a reality with a life of its own outside the jealously petty issues of communication, trust, and distance.

And so the sun is beginning to shine in my world again, and in his.
All will be well. We'll take the time necessary to mend the tear between us into a connection stronger for having been tested and tempered in such a shockingly painful fashion.

Thank you for your support. Your words of comfort and care helped me breathe when i didn't know how i could possibly force air past the pain that was permeating into every cell of my body.



... and the greatest of these is trust.
(Another mangled quotation, me to you, courtesy of my ongoing need to bend other people's words to suit my mood and whim.)

 

[SpectreT]

cymbidia's AV

Well, this time there's sunlight peeking through the clouds.... A hopeful sign. Keep working to mend this, both of you. Lack of communication is the single worst relationship killer in the world. Distance is a close second. Voice of experience here, on the lack of communication, anyway. I lost one relationship to that when I was younger. Not that thirty is old or anything, but I definitely know I'm not a kid anymore.

Oh, and the (mis)quote is from I Corinthians: 1-13, right?

"....and the greatest of these is love."

They used to read that at weddings, although I haven't heard it in the last three I've been to.

 

[morninggirl5]

And so the sun is beginning to shine in my world again, and in his.
All will be well. We'll take the time necessary to mend the tear between us into a connection stronger for having been tested and tempered in such a shockingly painful fashion.

Thank you for your support. Your words of comfort and care helped me breathe when i didn't know how i could possibly force air past the pain that was permeating into every cell of my body.



... and the greatest of these is trust.
(Another mangled quotation, me to you, courtesy of my ongoing need to bend other people's words to suit my mood and whim.)

Cym, it's wonderful to see that things are working out for you.

I agree completely with your mangling of that quote. Without trust, all is lost. Trust is the easiest to break and the hardest to repair.

What doesn't break us makes us stronger. I don't know who said it or when, but it is so true.

 

[Jellybeangirl]

I have a question

I have just started talking with a Dom, I am more sub than Dom, and have never been in a D/s relationship before...what can I expect? are there set "rules"? it interests me...we have touched base on a little- but not much. I would like to hear other opinions to get a more well developed view. Any replies would be welcome. Thank you

 

[SilverVeil]

I got this letter in PMs and have permission to share it here. Our panel of experts might have a better answer than me, and who knows, it could help someone else.




The stuff he tells her just scares me. And he tells her that it is her job as his slave to take what he dishes out. He refuses to play with a safe word, he says that real masters and slaves don't have a safe word. As far as I can tell when they are together it just involves him tying her up, beating the hell out of her until she cries for like an hour and then fucking her.



She has never even thought about BDSM kinds of things before and now here she is in the middle of an odd sort of BDSM(for lack of a better word) relationship. She really believes the stuff he tells her. She thinks that this is how it is supposed to be.

I guess what I'm wondering is, is there anything else I should be telling her? Or is there something I can show her to make her understand how BDSM really works.

.

Man this is one out of control guy. ( The abuser I mean )
There are women who think that they deserve no less than this kind of treatment. And they are wrong. If this woman is afraid of the man... that should be a pretty good indication that something is very wrong with the relationship. NO ONE should EVER be afraid of their sexual partner. I am not talking about a CONSENTING session, or fear of being punished here... I am talking about down right, gut clenching fear that this person is going to do permanant damage. And no safe word ?!?!? This guy is not only out of control, he is unbelievable.

Yes, there are people who play with no safe word. I have been one of them. BUT... it was with someone I trusted completely and even then he offered the use of one.

Any person who says only sissies use safe words and not real Dom's is a liar.

One of the most important things in any BDSM realtionship is trust. And this woman obviously should not trust this guy.

This guy should arrange to follow the woman next time she sees the man and then call 911 and report a domestic disturbance. But she has to be willing to do something for herself. Or even his best intentions are all for naught.

There are too many women out there who have been so emotionally and verbally abused in life that they do not know how precious their lives are. I used to be one of those too. Lucky for me I woke up and smelled the coffee.

A healthy BDSM relationship is one where BOTH partners are happy and satisfied. This particular one does not seem that way.

 

[cymbidia]

Re: I have a question

I have just started talking with a Dom, I am more sub than Dom, and have never been in a D/s relationship before...what can I expect? are there set "rules"? it interests me...we have touched base on a little- but not much. I would like to hear other opinions to get a more well developed view. Any replies would be welcome. Thank you

Hi. Your question is a broad one, indeed, isn't it?

Might i ask if you would go to page 29 in this thread and read the long (waaaaaaaay too long, really, but definitely thorough) answer to a question much like yours that i gave to MysticWolphi?

Your concerns are justified, Jellybeangirl. One *must* be cautious when beginning any new relationship, but one must be even more cautious when beginning one in which the physical interactions are what "normal" nilla society considers could be even slightly dangerous.

Here's a the short take:
You make the rules according to what you need.
So you have to - FIRST - determine what you need.
You have to be very willing to speak up about what you need and what you are prepared to give.
You have to be very willing to speak up about what you will *not* do and what does *not* interest you.

BDSM is not abuse.

Never.

An abusive relationship as opposite a consensual BDSM relationship as any one relationship in the world can be opposite another. Every single BDSM lifestyler i've ever known (not the players who "do" BDSM as a way to find women to fuck - and fuck over - but the real people involved in real and honestly consensual BDSM relationships) would tell you the same thing.

Do this BDSM checklist, Jellybeangirl, as a way to begin understanding your own needs. ( http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html )

And read. Read a lot about subbing, about Domming, about staying safe. Go read my long-winded advice to MysticWohlpi on page 29, okay?

I so worry about the new ones like you coming into this, full of unexpressed and ill-defined needs. Be careful out there.

 

[lilfrk]

HolyCow SilverVeil!

It seems like forever since I wrote that. I guess I should update the people that care to know.

I did a shift change at my job so I don't see that person as much as I did. I do miss her but my stress level has gone down a huge amount. I tend to be one of those people that sucks up other peoples energies and problems and makes them my own. It's weird and it's something I have very little control over.

As for my friend and her little situation. Well she hasn't seen that man in a while. He keeps making excuse as to why he can't see her. They have talked on the phone but that's about it. His newest excuse is his ex-wife. I guess they are just friends but she come up to his house an awful lot. She also had a complete hissy fit when my friend left a mark on his neck. So I just don't believe that the two of the are "just friends". My friend thinks this might be it for them. And to tell you the truth...I'm hoping that it is. She has enough trouble in her life she doesn't need him around complicating it. She has a drunk husband that just lately has taken to beating her. She chooses to do nothing about that also. She has some serious co-dependent issues that I just can't help her with. So I keep my distance and talk to her when she comes to me but that's it. That's all I can do for her.

My Man has been a very good sport about all this and I love him for it. I'm back to feeling safe again and I'm grateful for it. I'm pretty sure that the man my friend was having an affair with, knows that my Man knows the score because, he avoids him in the store. It's kind of funny to watch this man that gets off beating a woman avoiding someone else so he doesn't get beat himself.

Enough of my rambling.

Nice to see you back around cym.

 

[Guest]

A question

I am a sub, new to the the lifestyle. I am intensely involved with an experienced Dom who is kind, caring and compassionate. We shared an experience the other night that has us both a bit concerned.

We had been playing via telephone and the scene created was one which included humiliation. (puppy play with some additional expletives etc.) Now, we have played this scene out before and it was quite effective and enjoyable.

The other night, I began shaking uncontrollably. I was what He terms "deep into subspace." After our play was done, I continued to shake violently for about an hour. I couldn't gain control of my body or my mind, for that matter. I lay on the couch with Him on the phone and was a bit incoherent and my speech was monosyllabic.

I wonder if this experience is unusual. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is there any reason to be concerned? For me, I keep wondering what happened and what it means?

For the immediate future, He has decided not to engage in that sort of play via phone and has become very careful about my state of mind. We have also searched for information that might be related i.e. subspace. Although we aren't entirely sure that this was necessarily related to subspace.

Thank you in advance for your time and attention to my newbie concern.

 

[LukkyKnight]

from an outside point of view

I will not deny that it may have been a subspace or purely mental matter, but it remains possible that it is plain physical as well. Bloodsugar issues, or electrolytes out of balance (as in, from dehydration) could lead to such an episode to name but a few. So as you delve into the possible enlightenment which will surely turn up soon, Unregistered one, consider the plain old biochemical as well, eh?

And meantime, go register, we don't want to call you the same thing we call trolls, ya know? Conceal your details, but pick a name and stick around.

 

[SilverVeil]

Speaking from my own experience ONLY !!!!

This may not be the case in your instance. I had something like this happen to me. And it turned out to be a serious medical condition.

LIKE I SAID THIS WAS MY CASE ONLY ..... but you might want to see a doctor for a physical. Just to be safe.

In my situation, I have a condition that is called A-Fib. As near as I understand it, it is a condition that causes my heart to beat erratically. When I was having a session with my Dom, I came so hard and so long it triggered an A-FIb episode.

This happened 3 times, the third time I managed to call 911 before I passed out on the floor and I was taken to the hospital and had the tests run.
We both thought it was a case of sub space.

Always be sure you are in fit physical condition when you begin something new in the lifestyle.

I repeat .... THIS CASE WAS ONLY PERTAINING TO MY PHYSICAL CONDITION AND THERE IS PROBABLY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

BUT BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.