BDSM: Questions and Answers

[cymbidia]

Unregistered newbie sub?
(See? LukkyKnight is right: you need a nick, okay? You do *not* have to give out any personal details to get one but we need to call you something and you gotta admit that "Unregistered newbie sub" is a little unwieldy and unfriendly for us.)

Anyway, UNS?

They're both right. You must know your physical/medical limitations and quirks if you're going to investigate further into your submissive needs.

Make an appointment with your doc for a physical. If you can, tell that doc something about your sexuality and that you may come in with bruises or other marks on occasion (if you're planning to take this thing from the phone and email into a more immediate physical relationship). Tell your doctor what happened on the phone and be honest with him/her about any worries the experience has left you with.

Recently we had someone here, cellis, bring up a condition called "sub-drop", something i'd never heard of before. (See page 33 for our discussion of the phenomena and this link http://www.twoheartsonesoul.com/subdrop.htm for more info.) It's a fascinating idea and sounds like something akin to your experience, in a way. Go look?

Please know and accept, though, if you do not already, that the effects of a deep subspace immersion often take some time to wear away. It's definitely not an emotional state that allows us to snap back to normal, whatever that is for each of us, as the play ends. Subspace immersion is a often wrenching emotional experience, one in which we lose ourselves to the incredible immediacy of the sensations, to the flowing timelessness of the experience, to the sense of urgent command - them to us, and to our open-ended ability to respond/reflect/emote what we're experiencing. It's *NOT* a place we skip out of, untouched, unmarked.

1. You gotta go see your doc to be sure all your pieces and parts are operating properly, UNS.
2. You gotta read and learn and study about what could happen to you.
3. And you gotta play to learn how you respond to play.
There are no shortcuts.

~~~~~

lilfrk? Thanks, darlin'. It was definitely a rough go for awhile.

And, welcome SilverVeil. We can always use more informed, articulate voices for "BDSM as a wonderful thing" around here.

 

[Guest]

unregistered newbie sub

Yes. Thank you. I should have thought of a name rather than remaining unregistered.

Thank you all for you input. You have brought up some points that need to be explored and I will certainly discuss this with my doctor.

My thinking is that it may have been a combination of several things. I did fail to mention that I was finally able to regain control when He changed the "aftercare" tactic from using positive reinforcement to becoming the nurturing protector.

I recently had a physical and was found in good health. I am hypoglycemic *silly me for not considering that!* hadn't eaten properly that day.

Thank you again for your advice and thank you for giving me someplace to discuss this without feeling like a freak.

Thank you.

 

[BlondGirl]

Re: unregistered newbie sub

Thank you again for your advice and thank you for giving me someplace to discuss this without feeling like a freak.

Our secret:

We are all freaks. This way, when a freak wanders in, s/he feels welcome!

 

[SilverVeil]

I am glad you are ok. I hate being an alarmnist, but after my close call, I would hate to know something like this and not react instead of over react.
Reminds me of something like :

If your life's worth is measured by your deeds, then if you have done nothing,
what are you now ?

I have always taken this to mean tis better to act than to react. If something was seriously wrong ... I would react by feeling sad. This way I have acted and was wrong. ( Thank Goddess ! )

But even so .... you would be surprised at how up to date Doctors are these days. My doc did not even blink and eye when I told him about the events that led up to me being in the hosp. He even gave me a rx for some ointment for my ass after a whipping. Nice guy LOL.

 

[Skally]

This thread is fab

I've just been flicking through some of the posts to this thread (admittedly, I didn't read the whole lot again !).

I posted earlier on...waaay back on an early part of this thread. I basically said that I had the opportunity to start a new D/s relationship. I carried on chatting to this person, and found out that I was pretty incompatible with that person - I was getting major alarm bells ringing and decided not to carry through with it.

This thread has to be one of my favourites on the board, as it's guided me on the necessary things to consider when starting a D/s relationship .

I've bookmarked a load of links and will slowly be picking through them in an attempt to further my understanding of it all.

I'd like to offer you all my deepest gratitude in helping to maintain such a fantastic and informative thread. I was chatting to someone who said that they would love to read more about BDSM, and the first place I thought of was this place

I think that if this thread educates one person about the practices that go on (and I'm in *no* way experienced in the area of D/s) then it's more than done it's job, and reflects the beautiful and intelligent minds that inhabit this board.

Keep up the good work Now back to the soul searching

 

[cymbidia]

You know what Skally? (And, btw, i remember you from back near the beginning; your nick is very like the name of one of my everyday friends.) Some days it feels as if this whole thread is nothing more than an increasingly unwieldy exercise in self-indulgent posturing on my part. Some days i worry about whether i'm getting tired of saying the same stuff over and over - and so i'm skipping important stuff, stuff that *needs* to be said to help keep someone new to this safer. Some days i think the thread would run more smoothly if i'd shut the hell up for awhile and let someone else have a chance to talk, for gods sakes... you know? Some days i wonder if all the words and concern that everyone here has poured into this hugely distended example of a supposedly helpful thread have done anyone any good at all.

But then people like you come along, Skally, and clear that kinda concern and confusion right up. Once again, i know the true focus of this thread: it's always been an attempt to help even one person be safer (stronger, more centered, more aware, more balanced, etc) in their exploration of BDSM sexuality.

Thanks, very much, for the kindness of your words and the giving spirit that prompted them. And... why do you only lurk? Speak out anytime, on anything. You must know that you're welcome and wanted here, whatever your experience level. We all grow stronger with the addition of new voices among us.

 

[Skally]

Thanks

Thanks for your kind words

I don't post too often, as I'm often trying to wade through some of the posts here and I often don't know where to begin. I think I will begin jumping into threads more often !

Don't worry about feeling as though it's just you rambling, your experience is definetly an asset to the thread

I will probably have lots of questions after I've read through some of the links and I will most definetly be posting them here !

 

[SpectreT]

Some Ramblings From The Beast

First off, I like the new AV, cym. Simple, yet beautiful.

And full of meaning.

I keep thinking I should have that trefoil tattooed on me somewhere, preferably where others can see it.

And keep advising. Your words and thoughts are both important and helpful. As I said to you in a PM when you thanked us for helping you through that rough spot, You've been more help to more of us than you're aware.

And to Skally:

Eddie Izzard is Awesome! Funniest comedian I've ever seen!

 

[JazzManJim]

In from the Peanut Gallery.

cym, first of all, excellent job. You are quickly and surely becoming a favorite of mine to read.

I'm a Dominant, and have realized I was so for over three years now. I was amazed to find that there were words for all the things I had felt for many years. I know this is the same for many folks in the lifestyle, and it's a common thing to hear.

I just want to toss in my 2 1/2 cents on things, while I'm here. First, there are a hell of a lot of flavors to BDSM. There's something there for everyone who has the inclination, from the Sado-Masochism and heavy bondage of strict BDSM to the control aspects of D/s, to role-playing (especially Daddy/child stuff), and on and on and on. You can get lost in the minutae, and many have. But none of that is important. They are all labels, and labels don't mean a whole lot when you're out there living your life.

There are two things, though, which are of critical importance. First, known yourself. Know what you like, what you don't like and where your limits are. Know how much you wish to be into whatever you're into. Know what you can live with and can't live without. KNow what you want, when you start looking around the lifestyle. On the other hand, though, be open to new possibilities. You many have, as everyone does, hard limits which define what you will not, under any circumstances, do, but for the rest, do some readin, and if you think you might like it, give it a try.

The second thing is communications. This is very, very, very, very important, especially for Dominants. As in a "vanilla" relationship, communications is what will keep you with that other person, and happy. But, unlike "vanilla" relationships, lack of communication can get you hurt. You can't be afraaid to talk, about anything and everything. If you want to try something new and your'e not sure if the other peson wants to? Ask them. Do you have concerns about where things are going - whether they're going too fast, or in a diretion you don't like? Ask them. Set up ground rules form the very beginning and work on them. Learn with the other person, experiment, be safe, and have fun!

Some Doms out there discourage communications. They believe a submissive should be seen and taken, but never heard. That's pure and utter bullshit. Unless you've negotiated that away, and I don't know of anyone who has, anywhere, you always have the right to say No and to mean it, and to have that honored. You always have the right to ask for what you want in a relationship, and to have those wants and needs addressed. Never, ever, let a Dom or Domme tell you that you should not speak up when you feel like you're getting short shrift in the relationship. Like in the rest of life, you're only going to get what you want when you ask for it. And any Dom or Domme worth their salt will listen, and do their best to give you what you need. Anyone who says differently is, IMO, full of shit, and dangerous.

So that's it. Know yourself, and communicate. Those two things, I've found, are the pillars of having real fun in this lifestyle, and to making it fulfilling.

 

[Skally]

Re: Some Ramblings From The Beast

First off, I like the new AV, cym. Simple, yet beautiful.

And to Skally:

Eddie Izzard is Awesome! Funniest comedian I've ever seen!

Oooh yes

I quite fancy him too.

JazManJim - absolutely Communication is incredibly important for a D/s relationship to work - no matter what "flavour" of D/s you're into.

 

[Lance Hardrock]

I confess I didn't read all 36 pages of this thread, so I might have missed something. But anyway, here's my take on BDSM.

I am a somewhat submissive male. I could never spank a woman, but I sure would love her to spank me. I don't think anything more than that would be okay. I'm not into whips or chains or burning. Okay, ping pong paddles are marvelous, but only for a few swats.

Pain is not sex. Yet, the few times I've been spanked, I've come away with "love marks" that lasted a couple of days. So I guess pain is variable. I don' t know. And of course, there has to be dynamite sex after the punishment, though that can be long afteward.

I'm certainly not into spanking all the time either. It's been years since the last time I had it. Now, I kind of like a more subtle type of submission. I like my woman to order me to perform various acts upon her and all of these must be without me attaining orgasm. I often fantasize about her leading me around with a leash (not around my neck, but down where it really counts). And I have to lick her every time she wants me to and lick where she orders me to. Things like that are a turn on for me.

I don't know if that falls into this catagory of BDSM. Maybe it is just my love of delaying ejaculation, or whatever. Or maybe it is just the sheer joy of giving pleasure to the woman (or women) and not getting any actual physical release of my own -- at least not for a long long delicious time.

Anyhow, that's just my two cents worth.

 

[JazzManJim]

Re: Re: Some Ramblings From The Beast

JazManJim - absolutely Communication is incredibly important for a D/s relationship to work - no matter what "flavour" of D/s you're into.

The interesting thing I've found is that, though communications is so vital to any relationship, D/s or otherwise, D/s prizes it and places it so very highly. That may be why I've seen so many D/s relationships be so very strong and last so long when others just fall apart for lack of just talking to each other.

And I have to say, Eddie Izzard is perhaps the funniest comedian I've ever seen, his "Dress to Kill" special that was on HBO is still the funniest hour of television I've ever seen, replacing the Chris Rock "Bring the Pain" hour.

 

[Guest]

 

[JazzManJim]

No experience? No problem!

I don't often post to this thread, mainly for fear of being labeled a "fraud" since I am not as experienced as the others here.

I think that there are people who like the elements of BDSM play, like bondage, spankings, etc. But when I think of BDSM, I think of the lifestyle, which is so much more than just sexual games. To me, the mental connection is the key.

Everyone has their own limits as to what is BDSM and what isn't. This was demonstrated on the "collared" thread in another forum. Who is right? When it comes down to it, does it matter who's right?

If it works for you, it is right.

Again, thanks to all who have provided such excellent advice and information, as well as a safe place to embrace our "chocolate with sprinkles" life.

You are exactly right. What BDSM is, is a huge umbrella of likes, dislikes, kinks, fetishes, and loves. What it is to you is completely up to you. It's a marvelous smorgasbord of sensations, ideas, principles, pleasures, pains, and anything else you want to throw in. It's yours and yours alone. You decide how you wish to approach it and no one can fairly gainsay your experiences.

Having said that, lack of experience doesn't mean much of anything. It certainly doesn't make you a fraud. You're as entitled to tell us what you see and feel and like as anyone else. That's why cym started this thread in the first place, I think.

Mmm...chocolate with sprinkles? Yes please..and some hot fudge sauce and a cherry on top!

 

[cymbidia]

I have felt awkward posting there [the BDSM thread] in the past. Perhaps part of me is still ashamed of my "deviances", while another part feels a bit awed by the great minds who congregate there.

I’ve received a handful of pm’s and email touches lately, all of them something like the one above, some far more blunt. Combined, they tell me that there are a bunch of people reluctant to post on this thread because, in essence, there’s something about this thread that makes them feel that they shouldn’t or can’t. For some reason, we (particularly me) intimidate them in a bad way. I think it’s that we (particularly me) are outspoken to the extent that our posts keep them from feeling their opinions, questions, experiences, and/or advice are valid enough to be of benefit here.

I am extraordinarily dismayed to think that i’ve done or said anything to cause anyone to feel that way. Never in a billion years did i intend this thread or anything else i’m a part of to be exclusive of anyone.

Often, uneasily, i’ve felt that i was dominating (ohhhh... what a concept!) the thread, that i was hogging the limelight, so to speak, to the detriment of all the other wonderful voices we have here, new and not-so-new. I’ve wondered, often, if this were a thread someone new to BDSM would feel comfy coming to with questions – as i so wanted it to be. I’ve wondered, often, if it was a thread in which someone with experience would feel valued when they offered their insights and advice – as i knew was necessary if the thread was to be of any use to anyone.

It is, apparently, the former.
And it is not, apparently, latter.

I’ve been staying away from this thread for the last couple of days and smiling to myself at the emergence of heretofore-quiet people, some new and some not so new. It’s a very good thing to have more voices here, more experiences and thoughts and ways of feeling good and right and whole in the middle of this BDSM thing, isn’t it?

Some here know that my life is in an upside-down state right now. I’m moving back to northern CA next week, and my Master, MS, is moving from LA to northern CA at the same time. We’re going to begin our lives together then. It’s a wonderful event, yes, but it’s not been effected without great cost, stress, and strain to both of us and to several other people we love dearly. It’s a hard time for both of us, no matter how wonderful it is that we’ll finally be living in the same place.

Perhaps it's now appropriate and right for me to step away and let other people become more active in the on-going maintenance of this thread. I never intended this to be a one-act show, spotlight on me-glorious-me, and am very sorry if i’ve led anyone to feel that it is.

Adios for awhile,
xoxoxo
b.

 

[MissTaken]

I am sorry to hear that cym.

If you chose to leave the thread, you certainly leave it in wonderful hands as anyone who is truly interested in insight and information concerning the lifestyle would know that there are many here who can help.
(I won't list them as I am sure to forget someone very important.)

However, you all add your own bit of flair, your own insight, your own perspective which grants us new to the lifestyle the opportunity to explore our inner selves. Diversity grants opportunity to learn and grow. We learn when we read differing viewpoints and opnions. We learn to find our own perspective and our own way.

For this reason, among others, I hope that you choose to continue posting on this thread. If not, I certainly can understand and respect your decision. Your will be missed here among us "freaks".

 

[SpectreT]

>sigh< In or out, cym, make up your mind. But either way make sure the cat doesn't get out while you're standing in the door.

Your voice and perspective will be missed if you are leaving us for a while.

And if you and MS need some "quality time" away from the rest of us fledgling pervs, just say so.

In this thread, you're kind of a "den mother" to all us little cubs, so naturally you're a little intimidating, especially with the experience and knowledge you bring. That kind of authority does kind of skew the thread away from what I assume your original intent was, which was a healthy, energetic, and OPEN discussion of topics, interests, physical and mental health issues that are part of this lifestyle. I will add that thanks to all the time you've spent campaigning for some level of respect for those of us who enjoy a.... more varied realm of sensation, you're also sometimes snippishly defensive when someone makes a remark in ignorance or asks an honest, if prejudiced, question. These things add to the 'intimidation factor', and the feeling that a different opinion might get cut down.

Besides, you're so quick with the answers that ring true, that most of the others who know can only pop a quick "me, too", or expand upon and give examples of your points. But, hey, I forgive you for all of that, you're a teacher. The Socratic Method might be good for this gang of BDSM philosophers.

Besides, you could always start an "Ask cymbidia" thread, then use the questions to start a discussion over here, bringing the questioner over here to read everyone's thoughts on their topic.

Heck, even I might have some answers for someone then.

In closing, we love ya, and we'll miss your posts if you stop posting in this thread.

Promise to lurk, though?

 

[cymbidia]

I beg forgiveness of all who come here, lurkers or posters, for the hubris in my posts to this thread. Please know that i never meant to use it as a pulpit for my own aggrandizement nor did i ever intend to make anyone feel his or her ideas were of lesser value. That i’ve done so despite my better intentions is deeply troubling. To lurk on this thread would be very difficult for me, and i’m not much of a lurker at the best of times, anyway. I thank you for your honesty.
Regards,
cym

 

[JazzManJim]

Well, an answer doesn't mean *the* answer.

cym,
I, for one, would like you to stick around. See, the important thing to me about BDSM is that no one person, no matter how knowledgeable he or she may seem, has all the answers. In fact, there really isn't any one defineable answer to the many questions that could be asked about BDSM.

You have always been authoritative and quick with answers, which is just what we need, I think. But, you've also been quick to note when others have answers which expand on yours, or which may be different than yours, and that's also what we need. BDSM is an extremely varied community and it needs a panoply of voices and people giving answers.

Or, in other words, you'll give your answers, I'll give mine, and others will give theirs. None of us will ultimately have the final answer. We'll just have what we know and have learned, and that's always worth sharing. So stick around. I'd miss you if you didn't.

 

[RisiaSkye]

cym--there's no reason for you to leave. Yes, you get defensive at times. What a shock; you're an actual person. Just because a few people have gotten cranky with you (particularly, I suspect, about the "collaring" thread) recently doesn't change the fact that you're vital to our little sub-community (pardon the pun, Dom/mes) of Lit. We all know that you are.

To be perfectly blunt, to this point you typically have had something that many of us don't: time. That means you can search up the resources, write the long but necessary answers, and continue valuable conversations. I think this factor accounts for your prevalence here as much as your experience and the fact that you have deeply felt opinions. So, if you quiet down because your life is in metamorphosis and you don't have the energy, or because you and MS need *ahem* quality time, that's great. But don't let it be because you fear dominating (apologies, subs) the conversation.

In point of fact, anyone with the strength to understand their own desires, even when they're unacceptable to many (if not most) others, has the strength to speak up if they have something to say. BDSM types generally have a wealth of intelligence and self-understanding, and aren't prone to be silenced when among fellow travellers on the Road to Perverse Perfection. So, I think there's something else at issue here.

We are strong, capable, valuable beings, all of us. It is my considered and respectful opinion that anyone who's having difficulty finding the wherewithall to post here is working through self-esteem and self-acceptance issues that have nothing to do with cymbidia or anyone else on this thread.

So, to anyone lurking silently who wishes to join--please do. Your questions, insights, experiences, ideas, and company are welcome and wanted. Don't let fear of judgement, intimidation, or inexperience hold you back; until you seek us out, you'll never know what a strong and accepting little community this really is. Okay, occasionally someone gets snippy, or trivializes a question because they don't understand the genuine desire to learn that informs it. Don't be shocked by this, but--We're not perfect, we're human. Would you expect, or want, any less?

 

[lilfrk]

questions

Is there a way to safely play with gags if the person being gagged has asthma?

My Man has expressed an interest in this and I'd like to explore this with him but, I'm scared to death to do it because I have asthma. I'm afraid that I'll have an asthma attack and not be able to speak and tell him that I need my inhaler. Sex has triggered asthma attacks for me before. So it's a valid concern.

Keeping with the gag theme. Do they make gags out of anything other than latex. I have a HUGE latex allergy.

cym...please don't go. I've learned so much from you. I'd be perfectly lost without your posts and links.

 

[RisiaSkye]

lilfrk

I don't know how severe your asthma is, or what triggers it for you. The gag isn't really an issue, as you can find options which allow you free breathing, speech, etc. And, you can establish signs for your husband, prepare in advance.

Some potentially helpful articles on triggers, avoidance, and preventative steps during "high risk" times, by the American Medical Association:

http://www.ama-assn.org/special/asthma/support/educate/triggers.htm

If you're worried about breathing issues, inflatable gags, ring gags, and bars (especially pony) allow plenty of breathing room. There are also options like harnesses which allow muffled speech and pretty free breathing.

If you're worried about allergy: ball gags are available in rubber, leather, and plastic; it's pretty easy to avoid latex.

The fear factor: My husband's a stress-induced asthmatic (also triggered by sex), and he can handle a leather strap gag. So, you can probably find someting that will work for you, in which you will be comfortable enough to avoid panic, and the risk of emotionally inducing an attack.


This is a commercial site, one of a gazillion, so I'm not implying endorsement. But, they have good pictures, and lots of different sizes, etc., so it's a good place to get a starting idea of what's available. The pull down menu has 11 pages of gags, with photos.

https://www.sub-shop.com/catalog/frameset.cfm


Heh. It seems like I never post anything useful anymore; this makes a nice change.

 

[cellis]

Oh Boy!!... I feel I have to speak up about all of this... You all know by now that I am one of those newbie people and I have to say that this thread has been my life line in recent months.... this is the safest place I know... I feel I can ask anything here, say anything here and no one judges me...

All of you have been so helpful to me recently, as I have worked through some very difficult issues... I have been to all the chat rooms, sites involving BDSM, but no where have I found the acceptance and support that I found here among all of you... and more than that... you have all taken the time to answer my questions, offer your experiences and insight, and refer me to other places that I might find the answers I seek...

I don't about anyone else and I can only speak for myself, but cymbidia was the first person to reply to my first post here... Time and again, she has taken the time to read my posts and more importantly, answer them... For someone like me, who has been struggling for some time with these issues, that has been so important to me... (and it was not just cym who took the time to answer me either and I am more than grateful to all of you)...

I guess I operate from the arena that if you have something to say... just say it... if you don't, well then just keep quiet... Intimidation have just never figured into the equation... And far from feeling intimidated, I have found the experiences shared here to be just what I needed...

 

[lilfrk]

Thanks Risia

My asthma is both allergic and non-allergic. So I try to avoid all the things that were listed in the link you gave me.

The info on the gags was wonderful thank you. I've never really seen anything but a standard rubber ball gag. I'll check out the link later when there are no little eyes around to peek at what I'm doing.

Rubber and latex are the same thing so I need to be really careful with what I come in contact with. Not paying attention could get me dead fast. So toy shopping is always a chore. If it doesn't say what it's made from I don't buy it. It's just safer that way.

Thank You Again.

 

[Harbinger]

cymBIDia

I would not ever disagree with you unless I felt it was really necessary, but I can't accept what you seem to be saying. I remember when this thread was one page, (you were wondering if you were still a newbie, as I recall )right about the time when I first started checking out Lit regularly, and I have lurked on this thread ever since. The reason I rarely post here is not from any intimidation, but that I haven't had any specific questions, and usually don't have any great contributions. Perhaps others feel the same. I do very much enjoy the thread, and find the posts interesting and informative, and, yes, especially those by you. I know others feel the same way about that.

Ha. There, I said it. Yes, you do contribute a lot. I happen to think that is a good thing. Does my vote count, too? People can post or not post, as they see fit. I really don't see how you backing away from the thread will do anything but make it less. Therefore, I think everyone should get together and DEMAND that you stay, enough of this namby-pamby "do what you want" stuff. I haven't yet figured out exactly how we can compel you, but if somebody can be driven off the board I reason we can find a way to drive you back on. Don't make me do something that may be embarrassing for both of us.