BDSM: Questions and Answers

Sorry... i did not make that very clear... he is married to someone else...
 
cellis said:
he is married to someone else...
Hmmm. As in
(1) married to another sub and you are the second sub in the relationship?
(2) married to a nilla but holding you openly as sub to him?
(3) married to someone else but hiding his involvement with you from her?
(4) something else altogether?

Choice #3 is a situation that's all too common among lifestylers and nillas alike, and isn't really a thing i want to give much advice about, especially here, in this thread - but that's just me. From my perspective, and i have intimate knowledge of this, sadly, if someone is hiding a relationship with you from the person they are married to, or you are the one doing the hiding from your spouse, it means wrong is being done. Either accept the situation as it is, hiding and lying and cheating to be with each other, tell the spouses involved and let the chips fall where they will, leave the spouses involved to be with each other openly, or end the D/s relationship. Unfortunately, there seem to be few other choices in such a situation.

Choices #1 and #2 are such *interesting* situations but nothing i have any experience with at all. (Now if you wanted to know about serving two Dom/mes simultaneously over a period of time... :p ) I am sorry but i have nothing of substance to offer you in terms of advice in these situations.
 
ah cymbidia, i think you have cut to the heart of the matter and the answer is #2... he is married in a 'nilla relationship... has been doing this for many years and his wife knows about it... i have known him for quite some time... but we have not been together... mainly for all the reasons you have stated... that i think that because he married it is wrong for me... but i have to admit that i am wildly attracted to him as he is to me... however the idea of being with someone married goes against my core belief system... i really wondered if anyone else had been in this position and how they resolved this...
 
What kind of bdsm relationship do you want?

That, i think, is a question you have to ask and answer - and then seek one who wants what you want.

IF you want to learn from this married Master, if you can view your submission to him as thing of a finite time, a time of learning and growing as a sub and not a relationship that may/could/will lead to a romantic and rosy-hued happily-ever-after, THEN maybe the risks involved with giving your heart to one (because, as subs, we always fall at least a little in love with those to whom we offer our submission, don't we?, and it's often more than "a little", too) who cannot fully return your affections might be worth your time and energy and emotional investment.

In other words: he's married. He's not going to get unmarried. Part of his thoughts/heart/caring/emotions/etc will *always* belong to his wife. If you can't handle that, or if you need to be central in your Dom's life, then the continuing of this relationship may well bring you more heartache than pleasure, no matter how attracted you are to him or how good the sex is.

We all need be careful to catalogue and understand what we need, who we are, where we want to go in our lives, and what are the characteristics that are most important to us in a partner when we're seeking someone new. We need to find someone who will fill our needs. If we go into a new relationship *knowing* it's not right for us but driven by lust or longing or desperation, well, our short term needs might well be met but our long term needs will remain unsatisfied. In the end, we'll be lonely and unfulfilled. In the end, we may well be alone again.

OTOH, it's dangerous to be looking so hard for perfection (and who is totally perfect?)(even my Master MS/Creidhne has a couple small faults :p ) that we cannot take a chance on someone who is almost-perfect, or sorta-perfect, or good-enough-for-now - you know? Sometimes (and speaking only as sub, my only valid POV), if we can keep our hearts under control, we can learn amazing amounts from Dom/mes who are *not* right for us in the long run, Dom/mes whom we know we'll not end up living with happily ever.

This is probably not of much help, cellis. I'm sorry for that. In the end, you know yourself and your needs. You have to decide what's best for you.

This is a hard kind of decision, though. My thoughts are with you.
 
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cymbidia... thank you for giving me a new perspective... there were some things you said that i had not considered... and and being somewhat new to this... in terms of choosing a Dom... and if it was just a itch that needed to be scratched... well believe me when i tell you, i can do that myself or avail myself of a number of willing partricipants LOL... i think it is hard for me because i have never found myself in this kind of situation... and still have a hold over belief system... i really have given up the idea of happily-ever- after... hoping more for a less conflicted here and now... your thoughts on this are greatly appreciated and really have helped me... thank you so much..
 
I thought I'd share a few ideas on bondage mainly for sexy-girl's benefit since she was curious yesterday. And since we both like girls (giggle) it should make it easier. But I must say the very first experience I had was on the receiving end. It was before I even knew bdsm existed, and was the woman's first go at it also. It was a very erotic experience, but that's a story for another day.

So why do bondage? There is something very exciting about having a naked or nearly person helpless tied and anxiously awaiting stimulation. And I believe the more you can suppress a sense, such as movement and or sight, hearing, it tends to heighten what remains.

When is the best time to do bondage? Anytime is good, but I believe the best time is when the sexual tension of your partner is already at a peak. Not after three days of constant sex, but rather, after a period of being apart whether physically or sexually. And it's best with a woman especially to make sure all the intangibles that interfere with her libido aren't interfering. In other words, she's horny before you even begin.

Another key, know your partner. Just because you can play the piano doesn't mean you can pick up a saxophone the first time and play it perfectly. So I can only speak in general terms about what I like. If I currently had a submissive, the scene would be constantly modified as each time untill I knew her sexually as well as, or better than she knew herself. Sexy already knows Lisa quite well so that's a big advantage.

Obviously, if it's a high sexual tension time for your partner, then it's going to be for yourself also (unless you have a squeeze on the side). For that reason, I'll usually let the sub please me orally before we begin. Which clears my head for the journey, and also, hopefully, raises her excitement level.

One thing I do preach is getting quality restraints. The idea is that the sub should only feel the things you want her to feel, and wrist burn or pinching is going to be distracting. I like her to be centered on the bed with her arms extended to the corners and securely tied. And blindfolded of course. I like to begin with her feet tied in a similar manner. It adds to the feeling of helplessness. Towards the end of the session I might release her feet if the scene consummates in intercourse. Then again I might not.

I believe you should always incorporate all the senses into a bondage scene when possible. Usually this involves scene music. The choice is up to the taste of the people involved. I like to use the chanting music from monks at times. It has an eerie medieval sound. I think we discussed scene music on a separate thread before. You can either play it out loud to muffle the moans if you have close nosy neighbors, or use headphones. Another interesting alternative to music is to simply use earplugs on the victim.

A feeding ceremony as part of the scene can be a welcome break for your sub. Small pieces of pre-prepared fruit work well if she is a fruit person. Or sweets if she has a sweet tooth.

Once she is secured, I might go about doing other things, or preparing all that I'll need for the entertainment to come. She's not going anywhere, and a little added anticipation isn't a bad thing. I like to begin by touching her with different textured objects. Ostrich feathers can be found sometimes at craft shops and are wonderful for interesting sensations if she isn't too ticklish. Many types of feather dusters are good too. Be creative in your search. When you turn your bdsm radar on in Walmart or Home Depot you can find many interesting things. The caress from the leather tails of a heavy flogger are very sensual also. In between the different items little kisses and bites are fine also, but don't go overboard just yet.

By now, hopefully, we are both getting work up and I'm excited about touching my beautiful pet. I like to start with nice long slow caresses that begin at her head and wind down her entire body to her feet. I use three different types of touches. There is the soft touch of only the fingertips. The warm caress of the full hand. And the one that probably gets the most response- the scratch of the fingernails. This is a slow excruciating form of foreplay where you deliberately avoid her most sensitive erogenous just coming dangerously closer with each pass.

After the touching I repeat the same process using soft kisses, wide flat licks, flicking licks of the pointed tongue and nibbles. There is nothing wrong with a few nice wide licks of her pussy during this, but just don't linger there too long. Hopefully you'd set aside enough time to where you wont be rushed.

By now, her aching nipples are probably crying out for special attention. I start with soft touches with fingers on one while working the other with my mouth. Then switching sides. When she can barely take anymore, I'll select her favorite clamps to keep them company while I move on to other adventures.

And like I said earlier, the most important thing is to know your partner and what really gets her off. Perhaps she doesn't know herself and you can both experiment. Does she like to be brought right to the brink of orgasm and then have it denied and the excitement level lowered a bit going back and forth till she finally cums hard fighting against the ties? Or is she multi orgasmic and loves to float in the sea of ecstasy till she can't take anymore?


all for now. If anyone made it this far and wants more, let me know.
 
wow WD very impressive and interesting post to read :)


a lot of what you mentioned lisa and i have touched on but i wouldnt say either of us is exactly submissive or dominate ... when we tried tying up they werent even secure bonds :)


im sure we might be tempted to try parts of what we done before or try more that touch on "bondage" but i dont think could ever call what we do as being true bondage i guess


its more like you said about senses ... using blindfolds and knowing its down to ONE partner to be paying all the attention and pleasure to the other partner :)


thankyou for your post it was very nice to read and perhaps might even give us ideas
 
advice please

what are some methods of being in a D/s relationship as the Domme and not having a sexual relationship please?
 
WriterDom said:
If anyone made it this far and wants more, let me know.


(Gulp!)

Um, I want more. To read. Yeah. That's what I want.

(Damn, WD, just damn. I know what and who I will be dreaming about tonight!)
 
As originally quoted by WD
Be creative in your search. When you turn your bdsm radar on in Walmart or Home Depot you can find many interesting things.

Lord, ain't it the truth?

Well, now that all the subs are panting - I must admit...WD, you are a god :)! So are you going to continue or what?


Let me start off by saying I've been away for WAY too long. I've really missed you guys and it took WAY too long to catch up on this thread!

Visit updates - My sister enjoyed her stay. I can tell she is definitely going downhill though. We didn't get to see as many of the sights as we both would have liked but she got to see some.

We had the 'coming out' talk and she, as I suspected, was VERY cool with it. She's concerned about my safety, a little more so than usual because "some of them people are freaks". After explaining the difference between abusers and psychos who use BDSM as a guise to truly torture the hell out of people for their own twisted pleasure and the SSC motto of true BDSMers she understands a lot better. She looks forward to meeting my first sub :confused: . Don't ask me. Anyway, she knows and understands and didn't look at me with that "You sick bitch" look the rest of her trip. And she's planning to come back out next year if she's still around so I guess I didn't scare her that bad.

Cellis, IMHO, married master - bad idea. The only way I'd do that would be with the understanding that it was okay with all parties involved. Even then, it will create problems. If you are a moral person who would normally not get involved with a married man, I would RUN as far away from him as possible. As cym said, he's not going to get unmarried. Emotions will eventually get involved and that's just if the wife doesn't find out. Imagine what a mess it will be if that happens! But, as I said, it's JMHO.
 
Do you think teasing is an act of Domination. Is hardcore teasing....(keeping some one on the edge of cumming for an extended period of time) an act of domination.

I was wondering what everyone's thoughts on this were.






Spin
 
Writer Dom,
Sir, I do believe you and my Master must know each other. All of the things that you touched on are things that we have done and we very much enjoy. For music, we always enjoy the nature themes, the waterfalls,the singing of birds,with some classical music in the background. It carries me away and when the blindfold is on, the waiting,the intense pleasure...mmmmmm. Oh and Yessss, the feathers...
Blackbich Maam,
I was definately panting after I read Writer Dom's post. :D.
Glad to hear that your sister was alright with your "coming out". I wish I was brave enough to come out to my children,though I think that they suspect something. Especially now that they are older and married themselves.
________________________________________________:) ;)
 
Blackbich said:



Well, now that all the subs are panting - I must admit...WD, you are a god :)! So are you going to continue or what?




Welcome back BB and thanks. I'll put some more work into it and get it cleaned up for a "How to" submission.
 
Welcome back BB; i've been wondering where the heck you were.

I'm glad your visit with your sister went well, so sorry she's doing poorly, and gratified that your truth-telling with her went well. I find it incredibly relaxing that my mother knows, a deeply warming feeling that you may find has occurred with your sister, too. There's something about a close family member *knowing* the truth of part of your deepest existence that is ultimately reassuring.

I'm on my way out of town early tomorrow morning, btw. I'll have a little net access over the course of the coming week but not much, sadly. On the bright side, MS and i will have a big chunk of this week together, and, as an added bonus, we'll be meeting RisiaSkye and her hubby for dinner next Monday night.

See y'all after the 17th.
:cool:
 
cym,

I belong to a few 'build your own bdsm toys' mailing groups. On one, the latest discussion was about the over the top D rings that work on closed doors. Someone mentioned that they work just as well at the bottom of the door. It opened up a few more possibilities in my mind.
 
Okay I get more turned on lately reading this thread then any stories or srp's I am in.

Damn.
 
Blackbich is back! Yay!

Missed you, girl! Glad you're back, and that it went so well with your sis.

WD--Very nice description, and IMHO an excellent un-threatening introduction to bondage and sensory deprivation. A longer version of this would definitely make a great "How To" post.

cym--enjoy the break, but don't forget to call me before Monday, okay?

Spinoza--I think that teasing can be an act of domination. Then again, almost anything can be an act of domination, if the other person does it at your command, to please you (even though it pleases them also). But (especially with a male sub who's not multi-orgasmic), hard-core teasing can DEFINITELY be about domination. In fact, it's a very pleasant and unthreatening way to begin practicing "topping" your partner. Combine that with a little light bondage and sensory limitation, and you'll be comfortably on top before you know it.

Merelan--Yep. I'm with you.



Beyond that, of course, it's all in where you take it next. ;)
 
Re: advice please

Trinka said:
What are some methods of being in a D/s relationship as the Domme and not having a sexual relationship please?

I'm assuming you mean no oral sex or intercourse. I don't know whether or not you mean commanding a sub to masturbate for you.

You can wear clothing while you're dominating. Most photographs show a dominant wearing some menacing-looking red or black leather outfit, but you can wear whatever you feel gives you a look of authority. Whether or not the sub is naked is up to you.

Methods would depend on what your sub wants. Whipping, with a paddle, belt, riding crop, or whip can be nonsexual. Commanding him to do housework or yardwork while you sit and watch is another idea. Tying him up in some uncomfortable position and comming back to release him after a while.

If you don't mind him masturbating for you, you can have him kneel or stand before you and masturbate. You can command him to start and stop as many times as you like. You can have him take a few minutes or stretch it out for as long as you'd like.

Hope you find this helpful.


Spinoza,

For me, teasing is a large part of how I like to dominate and be dominated. I have done what you're calling hardcore teasing, both as the dominant and as the submissive, and I find it very enjoyable.
 
cellis said:
First of all, I want to tell all of you here on this BB how great I think you are!! I have been coming to the site for almost a year, just to read the stories... I am so glad I found you all, you have been such a help to me... Now ( and I hope I am not monopolizing this board) I would like some feedback... I am just wondering how other subs resolve dealing with a married Dom/me... or if this a problem for anyone else besides me... your insite and thoughts would be greatly appreciated... :confused:

Right now i'm involved with a wonderful Master that happens to be in a triadic marriage (he has both a wife and a husband). They are all aware of my relationship to Him, and approve of it. However, this is not something that i would recommend.

i have always believed that you can love more than one person at a time, and my husband unfortunantly couldn't Dom himself out of a paper bag. i've bought him books, my Master sat down and talked/demonstrated techniques; he just doesn't get it. He looks at the whole BDSM scene as a game; it's very real to me and without it i feel lost. At first my husband was all for it, but now that i have found a Master, he is having issues. So, eventhough i'm not having a problem with Master's spice, i'm having to handle issues with mine.

It might make a difference with me if my husband showed the slightest interest in me, but he hasn't in over 3 years. Right now i'm sleeping in my daughter's old bedroom and he hasn't even tried to get me back in our bed. This has been going on long before i met Master, so that isn't the problem, and i don't fuck every guy that comes along. In fact, the whole 9 years we've been married i may have dated 3 men. All i know is that i'm too old for this. (Sorry, didn't mean to dump.....i'm just really tired of the roller coaster ride that i'm on. That's one of the reasons why i'm moving to Los Angeles in January.)

Anyway..... the only advice i can give you is to look at the big picture. Look at what may happen and what you want to happen, and then look at the worse thing that can possibly happen. Are you able to accept the worse? If you are, then seriously consider it. If not, then don't even try. Because if you can't accept the worse that can happen you could very possibly be in for the worse heartache that you can ever imagine. Being Dommed really isn't worth tearing your heart apart.
 
Spinoza said:
Do you think teasing is an act of Domination. Is hardcore teasing....(keeping some one on the edge of cumming for an extended period of time) an act of domination.
I was wondering what everyone's thoughts on this were.
Spin
But of course:)
 
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