BDSM: Questions and Answers
- Thread starter cymbidia
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Natalie Nessus
Gypsy Soul
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Re: Great thread so far....
So, contribute, please
Master T. said:
So, contribute, please
MissTaken
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This may have been covered, but.......
in terms of a D/s relationship being successful in the long term:
What are the positives? ( I can guess a few?)
What are the pit falls?
Is there any information out there concerning the potential for a D/s relationship being maintained over the long term.
Any suggestions concerning how to make that D/s relationship work?
LOL Average life expectancy?
Perhaps, relationships characterized by D/s lifestyle have no better or no worse chance of success?
So many questions, so little time!
in terms of a D/s relationship being successful in the long term:
What are the positives? ( I can guess a few?)
What are the pit falls?
Is there any information out there concerning the potential for a D/s relationship being maintained over the long term.
Any suggestions concerning how to make that D/s relationship work?
LOL Average life expectancy?
Perhaps, relationships characterized by D/s lifestyle have no better or no worse chance of success?
So many questions, so little time!
Natalie Nessus
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MissTaken said:Thank you, Carrie.
26 years is wonderful no matter how the relationship is defined!
26 years
Amazing
cymbidia
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Mellon Collie
There exists, in a dozen different forms, a sort of pre-play checklist, an exhaustive and unbelievably LONG thing, that many people use to itemize and delimit the activities they WANT to do with a partner from the things the absolutely WILL NOT do, and the gradations in between. Attempting to fill this out for use with another real life person might well be putting the cart before the horse if one doesn’t have a really good idea of what s/he wants in terms of play, it’s also true that it could help anyone, at any level, attain a deeper understanding of their needs/wants/dislikes/fears/etc in terms of BDSM. MS and I go over this list every year or so, just to see what things have changed, you know? So, in the interests of info spreading, here’s one link to the form: http://www.ds-haven.com/checklists/domsubchecklist.html
You can use this as a tool to help you put a little form to your fantasies, help you decide for yourself between play that sounds scary-bad and that wghich sounds incredibly intriguing, and to offer up a few menu choices that you might not have heard of before but sound oh-so-interesting. If there's stuff here you don't understand, come back and ask. Please remember that we've *all* had to ask about some of this somewhere along the way.
When you think you might be ready to go looking for that all-important first Dom/me, please seek out advice on how to do so, whether you come back to us or not. There are a few pitfalls to avoid in the process.
Good advice overall, chatbug, sound and helpful. It cannot help but be to anyone’s benefit to know what fantasies excite them, specifically, before they go in search of someone to help bring those fantasies to life.Originally posted by chatbug in response to Mellon Collie’s questions
Good luck finding an experienced dom to help you explore your submission.
There exists, in a dozen different forms, a sort of pre-play checklist, an exhaustive and unbelievably LONG thing, that many people use to itemize and delimit the activities they WANT to do with a partner from the things the absolutely WILL NOT do, and the gradations in between. Attempting to fill this out for use with another real life person might well be putting the cart before the horse if one doesn’t have a really good idea of what s/he wants in terms of play, it’s also true that it could help anyone, at any level, attain a deeper understanding of their needs/wants/dislikes/fears/etc in terms of BDSM. MS and I go over this list every year or so, just to see what things have changed, you know? So, in the interests of info spreading, here’s one link to the form: http://www.ds-haven.com/checklists/domsubchecklist.html
You can use this as a tool to help you put a little form to your fantasies, help you decide for yourself between play that sounds scary-bad and that wghich sounds incredibly intriguing, and to offer up a few menu choices that you might not have heard of before but sound oh-so-interesting. If there's stuff here you don't understand, come back and ask. Please remember that we've *all* had to ask about some of this somewhere along the way.
When you think you might be ready to go looking for that all-important first Dom/me, please seek out advice on how to do so, whether you come back to us or not. There are a few pitfalls to avoid in the process.
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cymbidia
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Mae13
It hurts to tell someone you expect to trust a deep truth or a wildly kinked need and have them react in a way other than what you hoped for, but it’s a risk we all take almost daily throughout our lives, is it not, in small and large ways? One never gets anywhere by keeping the stuff that really matters way inside, never daring to show it to anyone for fear they might be rebuffed. In that direction lies a miserly hoarding of fantasies, and a life of Thoreau’s “quiet desperation” in terms of living fully.
The way you develop a D/s relationship with someone is exactly the same as the way you go about developing any human relationship. The level of trust that MUST, however, exist between Dom/me and sub for that relationship to be anything more than a kinky fuck (disclaimer: no, there’s nothing wrong with just plain kinky fucks except that they often aren’t what is normally considered a “relationship” and also aren’t, to my understanding, what is being asked about here) separates it from more mainstream relationships. Sometimes, in some cases (and only if you choose to play so close to the edge – no one will ever force this on you), a sub literally puts their life into the hands of their Dom/me. That takes an immense amount of trust, and that particular flavor of trust isn’t often a component of nilla relationships.
To develop a good BDSM relationship you have to find someone you can like, respect, have fun with, do the laundry with, kiss goodnight even if you’re mad at each other, worry about bills with, take long hand-holding walks with, come to love and have an expectation that love will be returned, and trust with your very life. As has been said before, a good BDSM relationship is a relationship first, and then it’s BDSM.
If you don’t think you can open up about your need for BDSM in your life to anyone who is currently in your life, then seek new people, new contacts, and new avenues of finding like-minded possibilities. Go to munches – they’re all over the world now, and you can certainly find one or two someplace near you. Read, read, read, read, read everything you can about BDSM, about submitting, about what we do, we who play in this sandbox. Think deeply about what form you want this to take in your life. Do you want to be slave to someone all the time, no matter where you are, even if it’s only obvious to the two of you? Do you just want it in the bedroom, and then only sometimes? Do you want rough ungentle hard S/m usage or a romantic, light, loving expression of D/s principles?
There’s a lot to learn, a lot to mull over, and a whole world of very exciting possibilities to be explored. Think about it. Decide what’s best for you. Then go do something to make it happen. (Just wishing on that first star you see at night probably won’t be enough, either. )
Risia offered some wonderful advice, as always, and her slant on risk is especially true and sound. It is SO true that the “risk you take in talking about your fantasies doesn't really go away even if you specifically seek someone who also has BDSM interests...everyone is different, and the things that interest you may not interest someone else.”Mae13 said:
It hurts to tell someone you expect to trust a deep truth or a wildly kinked need and have them react in a way other than what you hoped for, but it’s a risk we all take almost daily throughout our lives, is it not, in small and large ways? One never gets anywhere by keeping the stuff that really matters way inside, never daring to show it to anyone for fear they might be rebuffed. In that direction lies a miserly hoarding of fantasies, and a life of Thoreau’s “quiet desperation” in terms of living fully.
The way you develop a D/s relationship with someone is exactly the same as the way you go about developing any human relationship. The level of trust that MUST, however, exist between Dom/me and sub for that relationship to be anything more than a kinky fuck (disclaimer: no, there’s nothing wrong with just plain kinky fucks except that they often aren’t what is normally considered a “relationship” and also aren’t, to my understanding, what is being asked about here) separates it from more mainstream relationships. Sometimes, in some cases (and only if you choose to play so close to the edge – no one will ever force this on you), a sub literally puts their life into the hands of their Dom/me. That takes an immense amount of trust, and that particular flavor of trust isn’t often a component of nilla relationships.
To develop a good BDSM relationship you have to find someone you can like, respect, have fun with, do the laundry with, kiss goodnight even if you’re mad at each other, worry about bills with, take long hand-holding walks with, come to love and have an expectation that love will be returned, and trust with your very life. As has been said before, a good BDSM relationship is a relationship first, and then it’s BDSM.
If you don’t think you can open up about your need for BDSM in your life to anyone who is currently in your life, then seek new people, new contacts, and new avenues of finding like-minded possibilities. Go to munches – they’re all over the world now, and you can certainly find one or two someplace near you. Read, read, read, read, read everything you can about BDSM, about submitting, about what we do, we who play in this sandbox. Think deeply about what form you want this to take in your life. Do you want to be slave to someone all the time, no matter where you are, even if it’s only obvious to the two of you? Do you just want it in the bedroom, and then only sometimes? Do you want rough ungentle hard S/m usage or a romantic, light, loving expression of D/s principles?
There’s a lot to learn, a lot to mull over, and a whole world of very exciting possibilities to be explored. Think about it. Decide what’s best for you. Then go do something to make it happen. (Just wishing on that first star you see at night probably won’t be enough, either.
)
cymbidia
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MissTaken
As was shouted out in the previous post,
BDSM relationships are relationships first
and then they’re BDSM in nature.
Everything after that is specific to the people involved. I’m pretty sure that my idea of the ideal BDSM relationship would not be the same as Risia’s or Kitten-Eyes’ or Hecate’s or Writer Dom’s or BlondGirl’s or Blackbich’s or lilfrk’s or merelan’s or SteamyChik’s or almost anyone else’s in the world outside of Creidhne/MS. Heck, there are times when my idea of The Way It All Should Be doesn’t mesh with his, either!
BDSM can be thought of as an intensely personal and highly individual expression of sexual/emotional needs. Often it is true that those needs transcend applicability in just the bedroom and become that which requires expression in ordinary life, too, but such is not true for all of us. That said, there are no hard and fast rules for anyone with regard to the expression in their lives of what’s generally considered to be BDSM practices.
Safe, Sane & Consensual is the only dictum that approaches the idea of a universal “law” for most people involved in this lifestyle. Beyond that, each person, each couple, each group makes the rules up for themselves. For example, what Risia considers “S, S & C” BDSM play with her husband might be something MS and I would think was hideously unsafe. You see? It’s a whole new ballgame for each individual person who is actively involved in this.
Here’s the trick of it though: you gotta know what you need.
That’s it.
That’s all.
Seems simple, I know, but it requires a LOT of self-reflection and fantasizing and maybe even some real-life, hands-on testing. (As in… yeh, I thought that would be fun, I fantasized about it enough, I wanted to do it – but I hated it for real. Or - gods i thought it was gonna be scary and my Dom/me had to push me to get me to do it but then i *loved* it and i want more. I need that feeling again!)
If you know what you need/want/desire/dislike/fear/etc then you can
(1) look for someone who fits your needs and
(2) communicate what you need to that person when you find them.
MissTaken, there are no guarantees with a BDSM relationship. No way to do the checklist thing. It’s a human relationship like any other in your life, except that massive amounts of trust that have to be involved for it to work in the long run.
If you know what you want and can communicate that to your partner, then your chances of the relationship surviving go up. When the arguments happen, and they will – it’s a human relationship and so you’ll argue – IF the relationship is built on rock and not fill, it’ll have a better chance of surviving.
But, you already know that, don’t you?
Very simply put, for a BDSM relationship to be successful in the long run, it must be a good relationship overall.MissTaken said:
As was shouted out in the previous post,
BDSM relationships are relationships first
and then they’re BDSM in nature.
Everything after that is specific to the people involved. I’m pretty sure that my idea of the ideal BDSM relationship would not be the same as Risia’s or Kitten-Eyes’ or Hecate’s or Writer Dom’s or BlondGirl’s or Blackbich’s or lilfrk’s or merelan’s or SteamyChik’s or almost anyone else’s in the world outside of Creidhne/MS. Heck, there are times when my idea of The Way It All Should Be doesn’t mesh with his, either!
BDSM can be thought of as an intensely personal and highly individual expression of sexual/emotional needs. Often it is true that those needs transcend applicability in just the bedroom and become that which requires expression in ordinary life, too, but such is not true for all of us. That said, there are no hard and fast rules for anyone with regard to the expression in their lives of what’s generally considered to be BDSM practices.
Safe, Sane & Consensual is the only dictum that approaches the idea of a universal “law” for most people involved in this lifestyle. Beyond that, each person, each couple, each group makes the rules up for themselves. For example, what Risia considers “S, S & C” BDSM play with her husband might be something MS and I would think was hideously unsafe. You see? It’s a whole new ballgame for each individual person who is actively involved in this.
Here’s the trick of it though: you gotta know what you need.
That’s it.
That’s all.
Seems simple, I know, but it requires a LOT of self-reflection and fantasizing and maybe even some real-life, hands-on testing. (As in… yeh, I thought that would be fun, I fantasized about it enough, I wanted to do it – but I hated it for real. Or - gods i thought it was gonna be scary and my Dom/me had to push me to get me to do it but then i *loved* it and i want more. I need that feeling again!)
If you know what you need/want/desire/dislike/fear/etc then you can
(1) look for someone who fits your needs and
(2) communicate what you need to that person when you find them.
MissTaken, there are no guarantees with a BDSM relationship. No way to do the checklist thing. It’s a human relationship like any other in your life, except that massive amounts of trust that have to be involved for it to work in the long run.
If you know what you want and can communicate that to your partner, then your chances of the relationship surviving go up. When the arguments happen, and they will – it’s a human relationship and so you’ll argue – IF the relationship is built on rock and not fill, it’ll have a better chance of surviving.
But, you already know that, don’t you?
Not a chance! And we’d welcome your input, as well.Master T. said:
I know that SteamyChik and her husband/Master have been together for something over 20 years, too, and find that as inspiring as i do your admission, Carrie, of the strength and length of your relationship. Perhaps you'd consider posting more often? Your insights would be valuable to us all.carrie-on said:
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carrie-on
Literotica Guru
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Thank You Cymbidia ! I have been trying to post more often but sometimes have a hard time writing out what I want to say in terms that everyone understands. The relationship that I have with my Master is a very special and private one, not one that I choose to share too often with others and I think I surprised even myself when I began posting on this thread.
Mellon Collie
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Thank you very much once again, is it just me or do you always seem to be coming to someone's rescue?
I think it's important to understand that BDSM relationships evolve. What may be extreme to your playmate today, may not be next week.
Don't think cym and I jumped head first into the extreme stuff we do now!!
cym sent me a limits form, man what a good idea. It let us know we were on the right track.
A BDSM relationship is a slow dance at first, all consensual. Gradually throwing more stuff in, seeing if it works, sometimes meeting halfway. But always willing to listen to your partner. Finding out their desires and dreams.
Remember, it's 2 sided. Make their dreams come true, also.
MS.
Don't think cym and I jumped head first into the extreme stuff we do now!!
cym sent me a limits form, man what a good idea. It let us know we were on the right track.
A BDSM relationship is a slow dance at first, all consensual. Gradually throwing more stuff in, seeing if it works, sometimes meeting halfway. But always willing to listen to your partner. Finding out their desires and dreams.
Remember, it's 2 sided. Make their dreams come true, also.
MS.
ChaoticLil
Really Experienced
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Creidhne said:
You are exactly right. When i first realized that Wolf was exactly what i was looking for i asked him to be my Master. It made my heart very glad when He consented. Alot of what we have discussed since then are things that i haven't even considered, much less have done in real life. i found a slave contract/consent form online, filled it out, and mailed it too him (i too am in a long distance relationship; Master is in Los Angeles and i'm in Houston). On the contract you are able to decide your hard limits, soft limits and okay limits. i think i had maybe 2 things that are hard limits; the rest are soft and okay.
i met my Master last Febuary in a chat room, and have only really met him once in real life. We have talked extensively however; i trust him with my life. i don't even trust my own family that much. What i once had limits on i am now ready to experience because i know that He will be gentle when needed and stop if He has to.
This Friday i'm flying to Los Angeles to be with Master for the weekend. i'm already squirming in my seat with anticipation. This will be on vacation that i won't soon forget.
Natalie Nessus
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Well put
carrie-on
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A BDSM relationship is a slow dance at first, all consensual. Gradually throwing more stuff in, seeing if it works, sometimes meeting halfway. But always willing to listen to your partner. Finding out their desires and dreams.
Remember, it's 2 sided. Make their dreams come true, also.
MS. [/B][/QUOTE]
Very well put, I agree completely. It took only a few months to develop the trusting relationship that Master and I have and it is something that neither He nor I have ever regretted.
Remember, it's 2 sided. Make their dreams come true, also.
MS. [/B][/QUOTE]
Very well put, I agree completely. It took only a few months to develop the trusting relationship that Master and I have and it is something that neither He nor I have ever regretted.
G
Guest
Guest
Again, i want to thank everyone who has posted here... you have been so very helpful... but i did have another question about where to meet people... i understand about the muncies and play parties and i know they have them in my area.... but at this time i am somewhat limited in time, due to my work situation and my lack of transportation.... soooo, does anyone one have any favorite sites for chat where i could meet like minded people on-line? i know about alt.com and have not been too overly impressed with the people i have chatted with there... i would greatly appreciate any direction that you could give me... thanks, again...
cellis
cellis
cymbidia
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Long, long, LONG thing ahead. Be warned.
Unfortunately, it’s not at all certain that bondage.com will offer you chatting partners that are any more experienced in doing this stuff irl than any other chat site. There are a lot of men (and women) out there who pose as far more knowledgeable than they really are specifically to entice women who may not know better into forming a bond of some sort with them. This propensity for so many to pretend knowledge they don’t really have is a real problem to people like you, cellis, who go online to chats looking for real info about the lifestyle. Please, please be aware of the probability of these “pretender Doms” wherever you end up.
Additionally, relatedly, there are fairly universally held “rules” that pertain to going into a chat room situation as a newbie, and those “rules” seem somehow more strictly enforced in BDSM chats than in just regular nilla chat rooms. If you’re careful and smart, you can get all kinds of really good info from your time in a chat. You can make lasting friends in such places. (I’ve got an 8-year friendship going as a result of a chatroom-struck acquaintance, one in which we’ve visited each other’s homes back and forth a few times, and a Dom friend of more than six years duration [he made this av for me about five years ago, actually].) You can derive immense benefits from spending time in a chatroom. Better, I must say, is getting out and doing this stuff for real – and if you continue down this path, you’ll eventually be driven by your own desires and needs to do that – but if you cannot go play for real, then read and study online, and make use of the info and experiences you can gain from net-alliances.
Places to go:
There’s a zillion BDSM themed chatroom. Do a google search. Here are a few personal picks, places that I know from personal experience (or the experiences of people I trust) are probably going to worth your while.
www.bondage.com As WD said, this place is free, it’s got a very good reputation, and it’s definitely geared to those who want BDSM in their lives, no nillas need apply. Gods that’s nice sometimes, to have a place of our own, a place where everyone is like us.
www.chatropolis.com I called this place my online “home” for a couple years about five years ago. It was much smaller then, of course, and free. Today it is very large (14 BDSM-themed chatrooms alone) and a pay site (to register a nick, at least). However, from what I hear, it’s still extremely well run.
www.thesuburbs.com A friend goes to this place a lot. She loves it. Says the people there are respectful and intelligent, that there are many chats, for all tastes, and quite a number of BB’s, too. That’s all I know about it, sorry.
And then there’s IRC (Internet Relay Chat). If the other chats are towns unto themselves, IRC is the biggest, baddest, most lawless wild-ass city in the online chat universe. You can find ANY kind talk/pics/etc you want on IRC… legal, illegal, disgusting, tame, ANYTHING. There are literally thousands of channels available for you to choose from (an IRC channel = chatroom, for all intents and purposes) – and that’s just in DALnet. Besides DALnet (DALnet is a server… think... gods … what’s the equivalent? Okay, alternate universes that exist next door to each other and are almost the same but not quite) there are at least 100 other servers, most of which probably contain some BDSM themed channels. IRC is a fucking HUGE place. Not for net newbies, okay? Come back here and ask if you have any more questions about IRC. Yes, you have to go download special (free/shareware… www.mirc.com for pc’s, I don’t have a clue what it is for Mac’s) software to cruise the ICR universes. (A note, the chat here at Lit is one single solitary irc channel unconnected to the rest of the IRC universes. If you intend to go into IRC and poke around, do some chatting here first so you can learn the basic commands so you don’t feel quite so gawky when you go play in the Big Bad For-Real IRC.)
The Rules for BDSM Chatrooms
Okay. So you’ve found a place to chat. Maybe you’ll stay, maybe you’ll move on but you do want to make a good initial impression on those who live there and call it “home”, don’t you?
Disclaimer: This is what I know, and it’s only my own info, the stuff I did, the stuff that worked for me. I haven’t done any playing in chats for several years, though once upon a time I did a lot of it. Additionally, all this info is aimed toward Mdom/fsub places. The rules are probably similar in FDom/msub places, though I don’t know that for certain. And ALL these rules are only from the fsub perspective. In other words, I don’t have the slightest clue what new Mdoms do in chatrooms. There must be pecking orders and ways they go about fitting in, but I don’t have the tiniest idea how it works for them. Sorry.
1. When you enter a new place, be exceedingly polite. That doesn’t mean you should be silent. One gets no place in hurry if they are silent in a chat. If there are 50 people on the room list as being present (no matter where you go, there will always be a list of names so you can see who is there before you go in), then 35 of them (minimum) will be silent lurkers. No one talks to silent lurkers. No one will talk to you if you’re silent, either. But you must be polite. When you walk in, greet the room with some kind of generalize hello. (For example: “cym greets A/all here politely and moves to the side to watch and learn.”) That lets the people in the room know that (1) you’re polite, (2) you’ll talk, (3) you have some idea of BDSM convention (that A/all thing – we’ll get there next), and (4) you want to learn (aka, not there just to get a quick hot cyber fuck all dressed up in BDSM sexuality)(of course, if that’s what you do want, then you’re screwed, hmmm? Or not .. ~g~).
Don’t let 3 minutes go by without saying something in a chatroom. Three minutes is an eternity, trust me. You must keep your nick active, show everyone that you WANT to talk, that you WANT to learn – and you cannot do that in any manner at all except by talking. The immediate PM’s you’ll get from wanna-be Dommies as you walk in the door are another story. We’ll get to those later.
2. Pay very close and immediate attention to room conventions with regard to D/s honorifics. In most BDSM rooms, MUCH attention and importance is placed on the words one calls the other people in the place. For instance, you must call the Doms in residence (indicated almost always by capitals letters at the beginning of their names) “Sir”. For now, until you’re more experienced, anyone male who begins his name with a capital letter, just call him “Sir”. Don’t call him “Master”, though! In many places, that particular word is reserved for she who is collared to that Dom, and/or his close subbie friends. Just stick with “Sir”. That’ll always be safe.
You’ll hear a nauseating amount of “sister” this and “sister” that, along with the occasional “brother” this and that, too. That is subbie talk. DON’T EVER just barge into a place and start calling the other subbies “sister” though. Gods! No! It’s for use between friends only. You just leave that word out of your vocab until someone of higher rank than you (oh yeh – the subbies in most chatrooms are VERY touchy about rank kinda stuff, whether or not they’ll admit it – and as a newbie subbie who no one knows, you’re on the bottom and don’t you forget it) bestows a “sister” on you, and then you can use it with her – and her only, until the next one uses it to you... on and on.
Try to determine as quickly as you can who the collared D/s pairs are and, when new, NEVER talk to another subbie’s Master unless (1) she invites you to talk to him or (2) he asks you a direct question. You can’t ignore a direct question from any Dom, but you can always work some kinda reference to your respect for Sir’s subbie into your answer. That kinda stuff will earn you big points with everyone in the room because (1) everyone wants you be polite and, therefore, an asset to room harmony and (2) every single subbie in the joint is secretly afraid that every new face coming in the door is going to try to steal her Master away, and that kind of respect given another subbie in an answer to her Master will make everyone relax about that.
You still with me?
3. Subbies run the chatroom. Yes. Every BDSM chatroom everywhere is run by the subbies that callit "home". Don’t fuck with the other submissives in the place. When new, pay attention to who is running the show. Who greets all the newly arrived? Who subtlety/overtly leads the room convo? Who does everyone seem to know? Find out, and then talk with those subs. Be polite, be humble, be honest. Tell them you are searching for a place where you can learn, that you can’t do this irl for now, that you’re inexperienced. Be yourself. If they like you, you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll be one of them. If they don’t like you (cuz you’re arrogant, cuz you flirted immediately with someone’s Master, or cuz they don’t like the nick you picked [don’t choose a nick like “sluttysubby” or “willfuckanyDom” or something like that, k?]), then you’ll have a very hard time ever fitting in and being comfy in that particular chatroom.
Be very careful about talking to loner-seeming subbies. Sometimes they are in disgrace for some reason and if you align yourself with anyone too early in your tenure in a room, you could have cause to regret it later.
4. You don’t have to answer PM’s. The second you appear in many chatrooms, an unknown face/nick, you’ll get pm’s (private messages). These are, essentially, little private convo’s that take place on your screen and his, as opposed to the convo that is taking place on many people’s screens all at the same time – the room convo. Almost 100% of the time, these unwanted, unasked for pm’s will be from wanna-be Dommies who just want a quick cyber fuck –or- (almost worse) from wanna-be Dommies who want to cut you from the herd and collar you immediately so you’ll belong to him- all before you’ve even opened your mouth in the room.
Personal rant: Both are bad, the latter is worse. That kind of “collaring” (many of the rest of us call those instant things “velcro collars” cuz they go on and come off so easily – and the term is one of derision and repugnance, please know that) is to the kinds of bonds shared between committed D/s pairs as cut glass diamonds are to real diamonds or colored pictures of roses are to real roses. Velcro collars are cheap and utterly without the dignity and respect and solemnity contained and symbolized by “real” collars. (Shit. I’m so tired of thinking/typing, I know I’m not explaining this as it deserves, either. I’ll have to come back to this another time.)
Anyway, when you enter that room and say, “cym greets A/all here politely and moves to the side to watch and learn” , the next thing you say is, "since i am new, i ask most politely that you not PM me, please, as i am here to talk in the open and learn from those who know more than i" . Or something like that. Remember, be polite. Dont just say, "no PM's" because that's way too curt for a newbie.
5. Learn the specific coding as fast as you can. In some places (IRC), in order to –do- something, you type this into the dialogue box: /me smiles hello to A/all here and moves to the side to quietly listen and learn . It shows up on everyone’s screen as: cym smiles hello to A/all here and moves to the side to quietly listen and learn . If you type: hey A/all – how are you? on everyone’s screen it would read: cym: hey A/all – how are you? See the difference?
Every room is a little different though they’re all related and once you learn the basics, you’ll be able to transport that info from place to place with only small adjustments. Learn to “speak” in whatever particular room you’re in, though, as soon as you can. (Hint: this is a good thing to ask the ruling subbies about. They like to be helpful, even to newbies whose intentions are not clear.)
Gods i am SO tired of writing this! I hope it makes some kinda sense and i hope, too, that at least one person (besides me) actually reads it.
Hello cellis. WriterDom’s suggestion of bondage.com was sound for a couple reasons, not the least of which is that the site is devoted exclusively to a BDSM lifestyle. In their chatroom, you won’t have to wade through a bunch of nillas who are there for some plain ole fucking and sucking, that’s for sure.cellis said:
Unfortunately, it’s not at all certain that bondage.com will offer you chatting partners that are any more experienced in doing this stuff irl than any other chat site. There are a lot of men (and women) out there who pose as far more knowledgeable than they really are specifically to entice women who may not know better into forming a bond of some sort with them. This propensity for so many to pretend knowledge they don’t really have is a real problem to people like you, cellis, who go online to chats looking for real info about the lifestyle. Please, please be aware of the probability of these “pretender Doms” wherever you end up.
Additionally, relatedly, there are fairly universally held “rules” that pertain to going into a chat room situation as a newbie, and those “rules” seem somehow more strictly enforced in BDSM chats than in just regular nilla chat rooms. If you’re careful and smart, you can get all kinds of really good info from your time in a chat. You can make lasting friends in such places. (I’ve got an 8-year friendship going as a result of a chatroom-struck acquaintance, one in which we’ve visited each other’s homes back and forth a few times, and a Dom friend of more than six years duration [he made this av for me about five years ago, actually].) You can derive immense benefits from spending time in a chatroom. Better, I must say, is getting out and doing this stuff for real – and if you continue down this path, you’ll eventually be driven by your own desires and needs to do that – but if you cannot go play for real, then read and study online, and make use of the info and experiences you can gain from net-alliances.
Places to go:
There’s a zillion BDSM themed chatroom. Do a google search. Here are a few personal picks, places that I know from personal experience (or the experiences of people I trust) are probably going to worth your while.
www.bondage.com As WD said, this place is free, it’s got a very good reputation, and it’s definitely geared to those who want BDSM in their lives, no nillas need apply. Gods that’s nice sometimes, to have a place of our own, a place where everyone is like us.
www.chatropolis.com I called this place my online “home” for a couple years about five years ago. It was much smaller then, of course, and free. Today it is very large (14 BDSM-themed chatrooms alone) and a pay site (to register a nick, at least). However, from what I hear, it’s still extremely well run.
www.thesuburbs.com A friend goes to this place a lot. She loves it. Says the people there are respectful and intelligent, that there are many chats, for all tastes, and quite a number of BB’s, too. That’s all I know about it, sorry.
And then there’s IRC (Internet Relay Chat). If the other chats are towns unto themselves, IRC is the biggest, baddest, most lawless wild-ass city in the online chat universe. You can find ANY kind talk/pics/etc you want on IRC… legal, illegal, disgusting, tame, ANYTHING. There are literally thousands of channels available for you to choose from (an IRC channel = chatroom, for all intents and purposes) – and that’s just in DALnet. Besides DALnet (DALnet is a server… think... gods … what’s the equivalent? Okay, alternate universes that exist next door to each other and are almost the same but not quite) there are at least 100 other servers, most of which probably contain some BDSM themed channels. IRC is a fucking HUGE place. Not for net newbies, okay? Come back here and ask if you have any more questions about IRC. Yes, you have to go download special (free/shareware… www.mirc.com for pc’s, I don’t have a clue what it is for Mac’s) software to cruise the ICR universes. (A note, the chat here at Lit is one single solitary irc channel unconnected to the rest of the IRC universes. If you intend to go into IRC and poke around, do some chatting here first so you can learn the basic commands so you don’t feel quite so gawky when you go play in the Big Bad For-Real IRC.)
The Rules for BDSM Chatrooms
Okay. So you’ve found a place to chat. Maybe you’ll stay, maybe you’ll move on but you do want to make a good initial impression on those who live there and call it “home”, don’t you?
Disclaimer: This is what I know, and it’s only my own info, the stuff I did, the stuff that worked for me. I haven’t done any playing in chats for several years, though once upon a time I did a lot of it. Additionally, all this info is aimed toward Mdom/fsub places. The rules are probably similar in FDom/msub places, though I don’t know that for certain. And ALL these rules are only from the fsub perspective. In other words, I don’t have the slightest clue what new Mdoms do in chatrooms. There must be pecking orders and ways they go about fitting in, but I don’t have the tiniest idea how it works for them. Sorry.
1. When you enter a new place, be exceedingly polite. That doesn’t mean you should be silent. One gets no place in hurry if they are silent in a chat. If there are 50 people on the room list as being present (no matter where you go, there will always be a list of names so you can see who is there before you go in), then 35 of them (minimum) will be silent lurkers. No one talks to silent lurkers. No one will talk to you if you’re silent, either. But you must be polite. When you walk in, greet the room with some kind of generalize hello. (For example: “cym greets A/all here politely and moves to the side to watch and learn.”) That lets the people in the room know that (1) you’re polite, (2) you’ll talk, (3) you have some idea of BDSM convention (that A/all thing – we’ll get there next), and (4) you want to learn (aka, not there just to get a quick hot cyber fuck all dressed up in BDSM sexuality)(of course, if that’s what you do want, then you’re screwed, hmmm? Or not .. ~g~).
Don’t let 3 minutes go by without saying something in a chatroom. Three minutes is an eternity, trust me. You must keep your nick active, show everyone that you WANT to talk, that you WANT to learn – and you cannot do that in any manner at all except by talking. The immediate PM’s you’ll get from wanna-be Dommies as you walk in the door are another story. We’ll get to those later.
2. Pay very close and immediate attention to room conventions with regard to D/s honorifics. In most BDSM rooms, MUCH attention and importance is placed on the words one calls the other people in the place. For instance, you must call the Doms in residence (indicated almost always by capitals letters at the beginning of their names) “Sir”. For now, until you’re more experienced, anyone male who begins his name with a capital letter, just call him “Sir”. Don’t call him “Master”, though! In many places, that particular word is reserved for she who is collared to that Dom, and/or his close subbie friends. Just stick with “Sir”. That’ll always be safe.
You’ll hear a nauseating amount of “sister” this and “sister” that, along with the occasional “brother” this and that, too. That is subbie talk. DON’T EVER just barge into a place and start calling the other subbies “sister” though. Gods! No! It’s for use between friends only. You just leave that word out of your vocab until someone of higher rank than you (oh yeh – the subbies in most chatrooms are VERY touchy about rank kinda stuff, whether or not they’ll admit it – and as a newbie subbie who no one knows, you’re on the bottom and don’t you forget it) bestows a “sister” on you, and then you can use it with her – and her only, until the next one uses it to you... on and on.
Try to determine as quickly as you can who the collared D/s pairs are and, when new, NEVER talk to another subbie’s Master unless (1) she invites you to talk to him or (2) he asks you a direct question. You can’t ignore a direct question from any Dom, but you can always work some kinda reference to your respect for Sir’s subbie into your answer. That kinda stuff will earn you big points with everyone in the room because (1) everyone wants you be polite and, therefore, an asset to room harmony and (2) every single subbie in the joint is secretly afraid that every new face coming in the door is going to try to steal her Master away, and that kind of respect given another subbie in an answer to her Master will make everyone relax about that.
You still with me?
3. Subbies run the chatroom. Yes. Every BDSM chatroom everywhere is run by the subbies that callit "home". Don’t fuck with the other submissives in the place. When new, pay attention to who is running the show. Who greets all the newly arrived? Who subtlety/overtly leads the room convo? Who does everyone seem to know? Find out, and then talk with those subs. Be polite, be humble, be honest. Tell them you are searching for a place where you can learn, that you can’t do this irl for now, that you’re inexperienced. Be yourself. If they like you, you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll be one of them. If they don’t like you (cuz you’re arrogant, cuz you flirted immediately with someone’s Master, or cuz they don’t like the nick you picked [don’t choose a nick like “sluttysubby” or “willfuckanyDom” or something like that, k?]), then you’ll have a very hard time ever fitting in and being comfy in that particular chatroom.
Be very careful about talking to loner-seeming subbies. Sometimes they are in disgrace for some reason and if you align yourself with anyone too early in your tenure in a room, you could have cause to regret it later.
4. You don’t have to answer PM’s. The second you appear in many chatrooms, an unknown face/nick, you’ll get pm’s (private messages). These are, essentially, little private convo’s that take place on your screen and his, as opposed to the convo that is taking place on many people’s screens all at the same time – the room convo. Almost 100% of the time, these unwanted, unasked for pm’s will be from wanna-be Dommies who just want a quick cyber fuck –or- (almost worse) from wanna-be Dommies who want to cut you from the herd and collar you immediately so you’ll belong to him- all before you’ve even opened your mouth in the room.
Personal rant: Both are bad, the latter is worse. That kind of “collaring” (many of the rest of us call those instant things “velcro collars” cuz they go on and come off so easily – and the term is one of derision and repugnance, please know that) is to the kinds of bonds shared between committed D/s pairs as cut glass diamonds are to real diamonds or colored pictures of roses are to real roses. Velcro collars are cheap and utterly without the dignity and respect and solemnity contained and symbolized by “real” collars. (Shit. I’m so tired of thinking/typing, I know I’m not explaining this as it deserves, either. I’ll have to come back to this another time.)
Anyway, when you enter that room and say, “cym greets A/all here politely and moves to the side to watch and learn” , the next thing you say is, "since i am new, i ask most politely that you not PM me, please, as i am here to talk in the open and learn from those who know more than i" . Or something like that. Remember, be polite. Dont just say, "no PM's" because that's way too curt for a newbie.
5. Learn the specific coding as fast as you can. In some places (IRC), in order to –do- something, you type this into the dialogue box: /me smiles hello to A/all here and moves to the side to quietly listen and learn . It shows up on everyone’s screen as: cym smiles hello to A/all here and moves to the side to quietly listen and learn . If you type: hey A/all – how are you? on everyone’s screen it would read: cym: hey A/all – how are you? See the difference?
Every room is a little different though they’re all related and once you learn the basics, you’ll be able to transport that info from place to place with only small adjustments. Learn to “speak” in whatever particular room you’re in, though, as soon as you can. (Hint: this is a good thing to ask the ruling subbies about. They like to be helpful, even to newbies whose intentions are not clear.)
Gods i am SO tired of writing this!
I hope it makes some kinda sense and i hope, too, that at least one person (besides me) actually reads it.
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Silverlily
Kitty Mama - East Coast
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2000
- Posts
- 13,101
I'm not a chatter, but I did read the entire post (really, cross my heart).
Interesting, learn something new everyday.
Question - how does a switch enter a room? There are days when hell is going to freeze over before I take the bottom. Are those days to stay out of chat? Are there rooms/site specifically for switches? And (sick of questions yet?) do you treat male subs different than female subs?
Interesting, learn something new everyday.
Question - how does a switch enter a room? There are days when hell is going to freeze over before I take the bottom. Are those days to stay out of chat? Are there rooms/site specifically for switches? And (sick of questions yet?) do you treat male subs different than female subs?
cellis
Saucy
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2001
- Posts
- 4,186
Thank you all for all the suggestions... i admit that i am still a little confused about all of this... believe me it is not that i don't want to get out and meet people in real life... as i said i am just a little limited due to work and transportation problems... but i am hoping to have that cleared up soon....
All of your help is wonderful and i appreciate it so very much...
cellis
All of your help is wonderful and i appreciate it so very much...
cellis
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
Kitten Eyes said:
In almost every chat room i've ever been a part of for any length of time, one is either Dom/me or sub - and there's not ever much switching that goes on.Angel said:I was about to ask the same questions about switches in chat.
For the times when one is Domme, i think one would go to a FemDom room. There you would find a plethora of msubs and fsubs who wish to sub to such as you. Male subs go to the places where Dommes hang out unless, of course, they're gay. Then they go to BDSM chats that are specifically for gay Doms and subs. (There are comparable rooms for lesbians, too, of course.)(Bi's get to cruise wherever they want. ~smirk~) There's very little mixing between Dom-dominated rooms and Domme-dominated rooms.
p Now read that sentence out loud!)For the times you're sub, you would go to a MDom/fsub room (or a FDom room, if you wish a Domme) and talk there.
It can be kinda complicated in the very beginning, this online playing. In ordinary life, one is what they are. All the people that know you, well, they know that sometimes you're one way and sometimes you're another way and it's no big deal. While there definitely exist chatrooms in which you would be welcome as a switch, they are relatively rare in my experience.
The whole online chatroom BDSM mentality is very different than it is for those who do this irl. A HUGE majority of online BDSM'ers have never actually done what they're talking about in these chatrooms. They don't know how it feels when a flogger strikes thier ass. They don't know what it feels like to be submissive even when they're not particularly in the mood. For many of them, they turn the puter off and it's over. For them, BDSM is a still and only thing of wildly erotic fantasy.
I do NOT mean to imply that none of those who have not done this irl are not as "real", somehow, as those of us who have. That's simply not true. There are many people who, for one reason or another, are not able to express thier BDSM needs physically and for them, there is no alternative but heated fantasy alone in their beds or the great resource that is the net. Many very knowlegable BDSM people have never played outside thier online environments - yet.
However, the vast majority of online BDSM players are truly beginners and have no appreciation for the depth of devotion, richness of emotion, and heights of pleasure that actually doing this stuff can cause between two people. They can't know. It doesn't make them less, it just makes them seekers. When it comes down to it, aren't we all eternally seekers after more knowledge about needs and desires, ours and our partner's? The online folks just have more to seek out, maybe. ~g~
In all online BDSM chat rooms, courtesies are very important. "Sir" is mandatory for all unknown Doms, as is "Lady" or "Ma'am" for all unknown Domme's. Such formality is not true irl, at least not in most situations. There are *many* online Doms and subs who take such elaborate measures to legitimize the differences between each group during normal, everyday room conversation that just talking to people becomes an excercise in wild usage of the caps key.
I don't mean to be discouraging, and newbies in all places are allowed a lot of lattitude, but i would be remiss in not explaining the best that i can (given the late hour and the fact that i'm sick of this subject!) about how extremely important basic polite courtesy is in online BDSM chatrooms.
We are all only the sum total of our words in all online places, Lit included. In online BDSM chatrooms, our words become more complex and meaningful, no matter if one is Dom/me, Switch, or sub.
So, go. Have fun. Check out the room. Listen. Learn. If you aren't comfy in one place, choose another. There's a million of them out there and you can learn something about yourself in all of them as well as offer something you know to those who are already present.
Be polite.
Be aware of room hierarchies.
Don't try to force your version of anything on room dynamics.
You'll be fine.
Oh yeh - and have a care as to what nick you choose, too. Like i said, words, all words - and your nick is a very powerful word - are extremely important in online BDSM chatrooms.
Now go play.
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BlondGirl
Aim for the Bullseye ; )
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2000
- Posts
- 2,092
Cellis,
Keep in mind too to not comform to things you feel are silly just because it is popular. You have your own personality--don't be afraid to show it. No one wants the carbon-cut partner unless they are looking for a quickie fix.
An example: For me (stressing the ME part), I find the constant typing of:
...I went to His arms. W/we felt so good to each other. E/everyone was watching....
to be a stupid waste of time.
To me the capitals mixed with smalls is distracting and childish (No different from the teeney-boppers who make their titles look like this ThIsMyFuCkEdUpNeTnAmE.)
I don't participate in this. It does not entice me whatsoever and is an irritant. I can tolerate it, but I won't participate in it.
(To me, it also represents someone who is more interrested in "playing the part" than being the part. When I speak, I do not speak in messed up pronouns. I don't type them that way either. )
Anyone who seems to be in it just to show off is not appealing to me at all. It might be snobbish, but I am not a newbie any more in the schoolyard and have little patience for those who play the popularity contest.
Of course, to repeat myself, this is my opinion only.
(Obviously, I am not a 24/7 type either. I am am simply a woman who likes her enchiladas spicy--they are just never the same without the hot sauce.)
Keep in mind too to not comform to things you feel are silly just because it is popular. You have your own personality--don't be afraid to show it. No one wants the carbon-cut partner unless they are looking for a quickie fix.
An example: For me (stressing the ME part), I find the constant typing of:
...I went to His arms. W/we felt so good to each other. E/everyone was watching....
to be a stupid waste of time.
To me the capitals mixed with smalls is distracting and childish (No different from the teeney-boppers who make their titles look like this ThIsMyFuCkEdUpNeTnAmE.)
I don't participate in this. It does not entice me whatsoever and is an irritant. I can tolerate it, but I won't participate in it.
(To me, it also represents someone who is more interrested in "playing the part" than being the part. When I speak, I do not speak in messed up pronouns. I don't type them that way either. )
Anyone who seems to be in it just to show off is not appealing to me at all. It might be snobbish, but I am not a newbie any more in the schoolyard and have little patience for those who play the popularity contest.
Of course, to repeat myself, this is my opinion only.
(Obviously, I am not a 24/7 type either. I am am simply a woman who likes her enchiladas spicy--they are just never the same without the hot sauce.)
