How do you help someone get over being abused

[KarennaC]

I want to thank Bandit for linking to this thread on the BDSM board. I wouldn't have found it otherwise; I don't get to this neck of the forum woods often.

None of you know me, really, so I hope it's okay for me to vent all this here. If it sounds kind of detached, it's because my daughters are in the room and I don't want to start crying while I type all this.

I was molested at ages 3, 4, and 8. The incident when I was three was by my father, who was drunk and stopped when he realized what he was doing, and it was never repeated. I'd forgotten about it until nightmares and counseling brought it to the surface a few years ago. When I was four, it was two neighbor boys a few years older than I was. When I was 8, it was a friend of the family. When I was 16, I was sexually assaulted by a boy in my grade at school. When I was 17, my best friend's boyfriend tried to rape me.

In addition to all that, I was babysat by my father's mother, who constantly told me that I was fat, ugly, and lazy; that I was filthy and didn't take care of myself; and that no man would ever love me. I was raised by a mother for whom sex was the worst thing imaginable; when I told her about the incident when I was four, she blamed it on me; likewise the incidents when I was 16 and 17. I never told her about the other two incidents. When I lost my virginity two weeks before my 20th birthday, my mother called me a slut.

At school, I was the kid who the kids who got picked on, picked on. I was the one everyone needed cootie shots against. I was the recipient of choice names that I didn't even really understand, other than knowing that they were bad things. This started in kindergarten and continued through high school. In high school, some of the popular kids tried to befriend me, but by then I'd learned not to trust anyone and I didn't accept their friendship.

When I was 19, I met a guy my age who seemed like a nice guy. He'd been through hell too; he's physically disfigured because of a birth accident, and had been treated badly. I wanted to help him. I wanted to love him. I did neither, but I married him two and a half years later anyway, even though every instinct I had told me to run away. I was 22 and figured he'd be my only chance to ever get married; after all, I'd been told no man would ever love me.

The marriage was 14 years of hell. Most of it was emotional abuse, telling me I was a slut if I initiated sex, constant accusations of cheating to the point where I was afraid to have friends, male or female, constant threats along the line of "I'll kill myself if you ever leave me." He hit me once, on the arm; he was arrested then, but by then we had two children, one a preschooler and the other an infant, and I took him back. A few years before that, when our older daughter was a newborn, he raped me because he convinced himself I was cheating on him. I never reported that.

It finally occurred to me two years ago, after years of wishing I could leave but not daring to, that my daughters were growing up thinking that what they witnessed between their father and me was a normal marriage. I didn't want them to grow up into the same situation I was in. I worked up my courage, garnered some unexpected support from family (mine and his), and left a year and a half ago.

Last fall, I lost a relationship with a man who I believe truly loved me. We had an instant connection, but he had a hot temper and I couldn't handle it when he got angry. I cringe and want to hide when anyone gets angry with me; in my mind, anger means they're either going to hurt me or desert me. I think it's for the best that the relationship did end, though, because his anger and jealousy were causing big warning flags for me. He and I are still friends, and the friendship is much more comfortable than the relationship was. (He also lives 3 hours from me, so a relationship wasn't really happening anyway.) I'm now seeing a man who treats me so well that sometimes I can't believe it's real, but he's a trucker and I rarely see him. We just downgraded from an exclusive relationship to "let's see other people when we can't get together". He told me that he wants me to be able to "satisfy my needs" when he isn't around. He doesn't understand why it upsets me to hear it phrased that way; he doesn't know that it makes me feel like the slut I was so often told I was.

Someday I hope to have a real relationship with a truly caring man, but I have my doubts. Then again, it's only been a year and a half since I left my marriage, and I'm not completely ancient, so I guess there's always hope.

 

[Gil_T2]

I want to thank Bandit for linking to this thread on the BDSM board. I wouldn't have found it otherwise; I don't get to this neck of the forum woods often.

None of you know me, really, so I hope it's okay for me to vent all this here. If it sounds kind of detached, it's because my daughters are in the room and I don't want to start crying while I type all this.

I was molested at ages 3, 4, and 8. The incident when I was three was by my father, who was drunk and stopped when he realized what he was doing, and it was never repeated. I'd forgotten about it until nightmares and counseling brought it to the surface a few years ago. When I was four, it was two neighbor boys a few years older than I was. When I was 8, it was a friend of the family. When I was 16, I was sexually assaulted by a boy in my grade at school. When I was 17, my best friend's boyfriend tried to rape me.

In addition to all that, I was babysat by my father's mother, who constantly told me that I was fat, ugly, and lazy; that I was filthy and didn't take care of myself; and that no man would ever love me. I was raised by a mother for whom sex was the worst thing imaginable; when I told her about the incident when I was four, she blamed it on me; likewise the incidents when I was 16 and 17. I never told her about the other two incidents. When I lost my virginity two weeks before my 20th birthday, my mother called me a slut.

At school, I was the kid who the kids who got picked on, picked on. I was the one everyone needed cootie shots against. I was the recipient of choice names that I didn't even really understand, other than knowing that they were bad things. This started in kindergarten and continued through high school. In high school, some of the popular kids tried to befriend me, but by then I'd learned not to trust anyone and I didn't accept their friendship.

When I was 19, I met a guy my age who seemed like a nice guy. He'd been through hell too; he's physically disfigured because of a birth accident, and had been treated badly. I wanted to help him. I wanted to love him. I did neither, but I married him two and a half years later anyway, even though every instinct I had told me to run away. I was 22 and figured he'd be my only chance to ever get married; after all, I'd been told no man would ever love me.

The marriage was 14 years of hell. Most of it was emotional abuse, telling me I was a slut if I initiated sex, constant accusations of cheating to the point where I was afraid to have friends, male or female, constant threats along the line of "I'll kill myself if you ever leave me." He hit me once, on the arm; he was arrested then, but by then we had two children, one a preschooler and the other an infant, and I took him back. A few years before that, when our older daughter was a newborn, he raped me because he convinced himself I was cheating on him. I never reported that.

It finally occurred to me two years ago, after years of wishing I could leave but not daring to, that my daughters were growing up thinking that what they witnessed between their father and me was a normal marriage. I didn't want them to grow up into the same situation I was in. I worked up my courage, garnered some unexpected support from family (mine and his), and left a year and a half ago.

Last fall, I lost a relationship with a man who I believe truly loved me. We had an instant connection, but he had a hot temper and I couldn't handle it when he got angry. I cringe and want to hide when anyone gets angry with me; in my mind, anger means they're either going to hurt me or desert me. I think it's for the best that the relationship did end, though, because his anger and jealousy were causing big warning flags for me. He and I are still friends, and the friendship is much more comfortable than the relationship was. (He also lives 3 hours from me, so a relationship wasn't really happening anyway.) I'm now seeing a man who treats me so well that sometimes I can't believe it's real, but he's a trucker and I rarely see him. We just downgraded from an exclusive relationship to "let's see other people when we can't get together". He told me that he wants me to be able to "satisfy my needs" when he isn't around. He doesn't understand why it upsets me to hear it phrased that way; he doesn't know that it makes me feel like the slut I was so often told I was.

Someday I hope to have a real relationship with a truly caring man, but I have my doubts. Then again, it's only been a year and a half since I left my marriage, and I'm not completely ancient, so I guess there's always hope.

Hi KarennaC,
I've been remiss in not replying much soon *I actually forgot with interuptions in R/L* you are welcome here as is everyone who finds a need, the thread is full of ppl who have been through their own experiences with abuse & although varied there is an understanding that others do not understand.

As for a "real relationship with a truely caring partner" there are several on here like BANDIT & myself so it is possible.

Are you doing any counselling? attending a peer group?

 

[KarennaC]

Gil, thank you for answering. I can completely understand how RL can get in the way of things; I was just hoping I hadn't killed off this thread. lol

I have been fortunate to meet some people in RL who understand, but I don't always feel like I can talk face to face; writing is easier. I was glad to find this thread exists.

I think it's wonderful that you and Bandit found each other, as well as other couples who have found each other here on Lit. I know that it's possible, but have more work to do on caring about myself before I'll find it, I think. Fortunately I have a few very close male friends who have shown and are showing me that I deserve to have people care about me and that I can have healthy relationships with men, even if those relationships aren't romantic.

I've called things off completely with the trucker I mentioned in my previous post because of some comments he made that set off warning bells in my head, comments about being interested in 18 year olds (he's 48) and not-so-funny "jokes" about my 12-year-old daughter's sexuality. ("She's going to be a hot one just like her mother" was the comment that really did it. Don't ever say anything like that about my children; because of my own past, I'm overprotective anyway, and that kind of comment is just sickening.)

I am in individual counseling and get family counseling with my kids. The family counseling doesn't get into my issues, of course, but is helping all three of us address the fallout from my marriage; their father became emotionally abusive toward the 12-year-old when she lived with him last fall, and as a result of some of the things he said to her he's no longer allowed any contact with them other than a weekly phone call, which just started last week and which the 12-year-old refuses to participate in. The individual counseling is helping me to cope with what happened to me in the past and to set clear boundaries for myself so I don't find myself in that kind of situation again.

 

[Gil_T2]

Gil, thank you for answering. I can completely understand how RL can get in the way of things; I was just hoping I hadn't killed off this thread. lol

I have been fortunate to meet some people in RL who understand, but I don't always feel like I can talk face to face; writing is easier. I was glad to find this thread exists.

I think it's wonderful that you and Bandit found each other, as well as other couples who have found each other here on Lit. I know that it's possible, but have more work to do on caring about myself before I'll find it, I think. Fortunately I have a few very close male friends who have shown and are showing me that I deserve to have people care about me and that I can have healthy relationships with men, even if those relationships aren't romantic.

I've called things off completely with the trucker I mentioned in my previous post because of some comments he made that set off warning bells in my head, comments about being interested in 18 year olds (he's 48) and not-so-funny "jokes" about my 12-year-old daughter's sexuality. ("She's going to be a hot one just like her mother" was the comment that really did it. Don't ever say anything like that about my children; because of my own past, I'm overprotective anyway, and that kind of comment is just sickening.)

I am in individual counseling and get family counseling with my kids. The family counseling doesn't get into my issues, of course, but is helping all three of us address the fallout from my marriage; their father became emotionally abusive toward the 12-year-old when she lived with him last fall, and as a result of some of the things he said to her he's no longer allowed any contact with them other than a weekly phone call, which just started last week and which the 12-year-old refuses to participate in. The individual counseling is helping me to cope with what happened to me in the past and to set clear boundaries for myself so I don't find myself in that kind of situation again.

When my marrage ended it was a long time before I even thought of a relationship & found having some "fun" with several ladies did help in regaining self esteem & some confidence.

Glad your children are away for their abusive dad & that the help you & they are getting is helping.

Have you read the whole thread? it does help.

 

[KarennaC]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I've read some of it. I started at the beginning, and it's a long thread. It does seem very helpful, and plenty of supportive people.

The relationship thing is hard. I've dated some, just casual, fun dates, but that never seems to go too well either. I'm on hiatus right now.

Thank you.

 

[Gil_T2]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I've read some of it. I started at the beginning, and it's a long thread. It does seem very helpful, and plenty of supportive people.

The relationship thing is hard. I've dated some, just casual, fun dates, but that never seems to go too well either. I'm on hiatus right now.

Thank you.

There are some very upsetting posts but as the thread goes on you'll see inner strengths show.

Time is the key & it is still early days for you at the moment.

If you ever want to PM, email or chat either BANDIT or I.

 

[KarennaC]

Thank you

 

[KarennaC]

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers, and to the fathers who fill the role of mother. (I have a good friend who raised his daughter from age 2 by himself because her mother wasn't capable of caring for her.)

Gil, taking your advice, I've started reading the thread from the beginning and have made it to page 25 amidst IMs from friends and attempting to write. It astounds me how many people have been through horrible things and have come out the other side of the tunnel. I hate that so many of us have been abused, but I'm thankful to know I'm not the only one. I mean, I know that anyway, but it helps to read others' stories and see how they've grown and survived.

I was thinking about words. Some words can trigger intense reactions. A while back, my closest male friend, a man who had helped me deal with so much of my past (though sadly, he ended the friendship because he didn't approve of some choices I made after my separation), said I looked cute. I don't know what my problem was with that word, but I yelled at him, "I'm not cute! Don't ever call me that!" and curled up in a corner and cried for half an hour. Blessed as I was to have him, he sat with me and talked it out, and helped me realize that words are just words.

"Slut" is a word that's a huge trigger for me. I was blamed for the molestations when I was younger, and was taught that to want sex was a horrible thing. My best friend's boyfriend who tried to rape me when I was 17 told everyone he knew that he'd had sex with me and that I was a slut for trying to break up him and his girlfriend. I never acted on attraction to a guy when I was in high school or college because I didn't want anyone to think I was a slut, and my ex-husband reinforced that by his reactions when I tried to initiate sex with him or had any physical pleasure from it.

Strange as it may seem for someone who's had as much sexual abuse as I have, when I left my ex I joined Adult Friend Finder. At the time, I was naive enough to think it was for people looking for friends; I was smart enough to figure out pretty quickly what kind of site it was. I've met a few men on there who have thought it was good that I wanted to explore my sexuality; most of them are friends only, though I have had positive sexual encounters with a handful of them.

I met a man from there a couple weeks ago who told me he was dominant- not a Dom, but he prefers to be in the role of teaching and giving directions to a woman. After extensive time IMing and talking on the phone, I thought it over and agreed to meet him; I know I have the tendency to be submissive in a positive way, but that it's also far too easy for that tendency to open me to further abuse, since the line is still a bit blurred for me. I spend a lot of time reading the BDSM board here to try to learn more. Anyway, we met, he came to my house, and we got, um... involved. lol. Everything was great; he made sure I enjoyed myself, was respectful, thought it was cool that I liked what he was doing. And then he said it. "You like this, don't you? You like being a dirty little slut."

I braced myself for a reaction that didn't come. I didn't get upset; I didn't burst into tears; I didn't wonder, "Does he really think I'm a slut?" He didn't say it in a cruel way; it was just part of what we were doing. When I realized I wasn't going to react, I was so proud of myself. I'd conquered the word!

Sorry, I know this post is excessively long, but I do tend to get wordy sometimes...

 

[Bandit58]

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers, and to the fathers who fill the role of mother. (I have a good friend who raised his daughter from age 2 by himself because her mother wasn't capable of caring for her.)

Gil, taking your advice, I've started reading the thread from the beginning and have made it to page 25 amidst IMs from friends and attempting to write. It astounds me how many people have been through horrible things and have come out the other side of the tunnel. I hate that so many of us have been abused, but I'm thankful to know I'm not the only one. I mean, I know that anyway, but it helps to read others' stories and see how they've grown and survived.

I was thinking about words. Some words can trigger intense reactions. A while back, my closest male friend, a man who had helped me deal with so much of my past (though sadly, he ended the friendship because he didn't approve of some choices I made after my separation), said I looked cute. I don't know what my problem was with that word, but I yelled at him, "I'm not cute! Don't ever call me that!" and curled up in a corner and cried for half an hour. Blessed as I was to have him, he sat with me and talked it out, and helped me realize that words are just words.

"Slut" is a word that's a huge trigger for me. I was blamed for the molestations when I was younger, and was taught that to want sex was a horrible thing. My best friend's boyfriend who tried to rape me when I was 17 told everyone he knew that he'd had sex with me and that I was a slut for trying to break up him and his girlfriend. I never acted on attraction to a guy when I was in high school or college because I didn't want anyone to think I was a slut, and my ex-husband reinforced that by his reactions when I tried to initiate sex with him or had any physical pleasure from it.

Strange as it may seem for someone who's had as much sexual abuse as I have, when I left my ex I joined Adult Friend Finder. At the time, I was naive enough to think it was for people looking for friends; I was smart enough to figure out pretty quickly what kind of site it was. I've met a few men on there who have thought it was good that I wanted to explore my sexuality; most of them are friends only, though I have had positive sexual encounters with a handful of them.

I met a man from there a couple weeks ago who told me he was dominant- not a dom, but he prefers to be in the role of teaching and giving directions to a woman. After extensive time IMing and talking on the phone, I thought it over and agreed to meet him; I know I have the tendency to be submissive in a positive way, but that it's also far too easy for that tendency to open me to further abuse, since the line is still a bit blurred for me. I spend a lot of time reading the BDSM board here to try to learn more. Anyway, we met, he came to my house, and we got, um... involved. lol. Everything was great; he made sure I enjoyed myself, was respectful, thought it was cool that I liked what he was doing. And then he said it. "You like this, don't you? You like being a dirty little slut."

I braced myself for a reaction that didn't come. I didn't get upset; I didn't burst into tears; I didn't wonder, "Does he really think I'm a slut?" He didn't say it in a cruel way; it was just part of what we were doing. When I realized I wasn't going to react, I was so proud of myself. I'd conquered the word!

Sorry, I know this post is excessively long, but I do tend to get wordy sometimes...

Hi Karenna I'm glad you decided to read through the thread. It really does help to know there are others who have been through abusive situations. As Gil said, feel free to PM either of us if you feel the need

As you may know from reading the boards, Gil and I are in a D/s relationship. When you get further along in the thread, submission is discussed and whether we are born submissive or become that way from being abused. My feeling on that is, I have always had a submissive personality which led me to make a bad choice for my first husband....in my naivety I confused domineering behaviour with Dominance

Good for you for conquering the word slut. I've never really had a problem with it myself. I've never had it used against me in a negative way, and Gil does use it when we play but it's positive....I am His slut, no one elses, and He is proud of my sluttish behaviour when it's for Him I also have to say that I now feel complete - not just sexually but in my service. In my marriage before, I was completely taken for granted. Now I know that what I do is appreciated and yes Sir does say please and thank you!

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Today is my 4th Mother's Day without my mom

And I was sitting here crying and thinking about all of the things I wish I could have said to her, which led me to thinking about my life and the way that I live it. I have read this thread since I discovered it ages ago. I never really posted about my personal business before because it is*personal* but today for some odd reason, I started thinking about who and what I am and how I got here. SO here's the story.

When I was 4, I was sexually molested by a man and woman my mother trusted to babysit me. This first bit of sexual molestation went unremarked and unremembered until I was 14 and in therapy for suicidal thoughts, clinical depression and the molestation I suffered from ages 8-10 from my step father's cousin. (How's that for confusion?) I started dreaming of the first molestation during therapy and described the man to my mum. She was the one who told me how I had met him and how old I was when he and his wife babysat me. *shrugs*

Also during this time frame I was beginning to realize that I was drawn to women, sexually and emotionally. I began to experiment with girls and my mother caught me acting out at age 8 with a little girl she babysat (who came from a queer household). On top of this, my step father was physically and emotionally abusive to me and caused me numerous trips to the hospital. My mother got us out of there when I was 12 (and there were many reasons why we didn't leave sooner, the most important aspect being my sister, Monza who had leukemia and loved our step father unreservedly. She would get sick and end up in the hospital every time my mum left him until near the end...)

By age 15, I was no longer a Technical virgin and used sex as a cure all. However normal everyday touches made me freeze up and I fell in love with (and moved in with) a girl (for a year) my sophomore year of high school.

Fast forward me to about age 21. I discovered BDSM. I served a good Domme, who made me understand I was worthy, I was useful, I was wanted. And still, I didn't like to be touched softly..there had to be pain for it to work. Sex without pain just never felt *real* to me. Eventually, I took to the other side and I am now a Daddi.

I am queer, and emotionally androgynous. I am not a man nor a woman. I am just a person more comfortable on the male scale of things then female. But I look intensely feminine (which is confusing in and of itself as I blame my shape for the trouble I have seen). What does this have to do with my mom, you may be wondering?

Well, it's simple really. I know that she loved me. I know that she did the best she could in circumstances that would have broken any other woman. (The choice between a healthy child being abused or a sick child sickening and possibly dying) I know that when it came down to it, she chose me. I know that I am not nearly as strong as she was and I wish like all hell I had the type of fortitude she did.

I know that my path has been shaped for me and by me due to the things I experienced. I know that if I am the one giving out the loving touches I feel content and needed, but if someone returns the favor I STILL freeze up. I know that I need to be needed and that I need to protect those I love to the point of violence if need be. I know that some people will say that it happened ages ago and that I should be over it by now...but I am not. I know that if I can give to others half of what was given to me, I will be a good person. I think that my inability to forgive my molesters is a fault. I think that my inability to close that chapter of my life is a detriment to me, but it sneaks out when I least expect it.

OTOH, I think that being hurt and abused made me the person I am now: a fighter, a protector, a Daddi. How does one accept the good that came out of so many bad things without thinking that they are bad people?

Anyway, this is my story. I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to thank you for this thread. It helps to know I am not alone...even when I am trapped inside of my head and can't see past all the darkness.

 

[KarennaC]

Bandit, I did know that you and Gil are married and in a Dom/sub situation, and I'm very happy for both of you Thank you to you and Gil for the offer to PM

I've been wondering about the submissive by nature vs. submissive from abuse thing, which is one reason why I'm not seeking any further exploration of my submissive side; I want to be sure I'd be doing it because it's what I want and not because of the abuse. It is something I think I want to explore at some point, but only if it's for the right reasons.

I know what you mean about being "his" slut vs. being a slut in general. Even though the man I mentioned and I aren't in a relationship and most likely aren't going to be (distance plus the fact that he isn't looking for LTR), when he called me a dirty little slut I felt like he was proud of me for letting myself show that side of me, and I knew he was enjoying what I was doing and how I was reacting to it. He liked that I was being a slut *for him*.

((((Luna)))) My sympathies on the loss of your mother, and my empathy on everything you've been through. I'm glad you posted your story. You say you aren't as strong as your mother; I disagree. You've come through everything that happened to you; you've survived. In a situation like you describe, surviving takes incredible strength. In my opinion, the people telling you to "get over it" are wrong. You can't get over something like that. You can get past it; you can learn that what was done to you wasn't your fault. You can accept that it happened and that it shaped you, and you can forgive yourself.

Wait... I know the first time I was told "you need to forgive yourself before you can forgive your abusers" I wanted to smack the person who said it. Forgive myself? I hadn't done anything wrong! But that was the point. I hadn't done anything wrong, but I'd always blamed myself for what had occurred, helped along by my mother's blaming me. That blame had become so ingrained, I no longer realized it was there until it was pointed out to me. The friend who told me to forgive myself was right on; that was exactly what I had to do. And once I managed that, it wasn't as hard to feel that people had abused me and that I was going to let go of the anger toward them, because they were gone from my life and the anger wasn't needed anymore. You might not "get over it", but you don't have to. You have to get through it, and from what I've seen so far on this thread, I think there are people here who can help you do that. Also, have you received or considered counseling?

Something else that helped me tremendously was writing letters to those who abused me and to those who responded negatively to learning I'd been abused. I never sent the letters; I wrote them, let out all the anger I'd felt all those years, and then burned the papers. Just that act helped me let go of so many of the negative emotions I'd held for so long. It might not work for everyone, but I'd say it could be worth a try.

Luna, I hope that someday you'll be able to accept those gentle, loving touches that are offered to you, and I commend you that you're able to be gentle and loving to others despite everything you've experienced. Another example of your strength.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

KarennaC

Thank you for your response. I have been involved in counseling, off and on, since the age of 14. And in the normal course of my days, I find that I like who I am now. It's only certain days, certain times, certain situations that cause me to regress, to shut down. When I am being true to my sexuality and involved with a loving girl, I am much better. It's when I allow myself to be drawn physically and emotionally to certain types of men (like my children's father) that the depression and the disgust for myself become a problem. I know that I am drawn to physically and emotionally abusive men. No idea why, just that I am. *shrugs*

My wifey (Trinique_Fire) is my best friend and room mate, she is a gentle toucher, a lover of touch. I love to feel her next to me when I am depressed but even so I can't take it when she touches me. The same thing with my FWB. I am a giver, not a receiver...probably because of the nature of my abuse. I am only comfortable and happy if I am involved with someone who needs to bottom to me, who needs to be protected and cared for by me.

Thank you for your kind words and your thoughts...I read this and cried bright and early this morning. Cuz sometimes, Daddi's need to know it's ok to be weak.

 

[KarennaC]

Luna, I'm glad you have Trinique I've seen posts from both of you on other parts of the forum, and it's clear that you care deeply about each other. It does feel good to be needed; I've been involved with more than one man in my life who I got involved with because they needed me and I wanted to be needed. I couldn't be what they really needed, though. I'm glad that you can be there for the people who need you.

I'm glad you've been in counseling and that you recognize what kinds of relationships work for you and what don't. That's the part I'm still working on, figuring out why I'm attracted to certain people and how to be attracted to someone who'll be good for me.

But of course it's okay for Daddi to be weak sometimes. It's okay to need other people; it's okay to let other people know that sometimes, you don't feel strong. Like I said before, you are a strong person; you had to be to get through your life. But it's okay not to feel strong, and it's okay to ask someone else to be strong for you sometimes. That's a hard thing to learn, though; I'm not there yet myself.

Take care, and if it's okay, I'll send you a virtual hug

 

[Bandit58]

I know that my path has been shaped for me and by me due to the things I experienced. I know that if I am the one giving out the loving touches I feel content and needed, but if someone returns the favor I STILL freeze up. I know that I need to be needed and that I need to protect those I love to the point of violence if need be. I know that some people will say that it happened ages ago and that I should be over it by now...but I am not. I know that if I can give to others half of what was given to me, I will be a good person. I think that my inability to forgive my molesters is a fault. I think that my inability to close that chapter of my life is a detriment to me, but it sneaks out when I least expect it.

Someone posted on this thread years ago about forgiveness and how we should forgive the people who hurt us...that just made me angry at the time, because I am still not sure if I can ever forgive my ex for the way he treated me. I don't see this as a fault at all. It doesn't make me a bad person. I have chosen to put him out of my life and have nothing whatsoever to do with him - it's much easier now that the kids are grown.

I still have bad dreams about him now and then. I suspect that I always will.

How does one accept the good that came out of so many bad things without thinking that they are bad people?

One thing that comes back here again and again is "It was NOT your fault what happened to you". I remember feeling a lot like it was my fault what happened to me, because I didn't stick up for myself...I was the proverbial doormat

Now, I don't think that way, because he was the one who took advantage of me in the first place. And that submissive part of me has since turned out to be a blessing, because I am now in a very happy D/s relationship

 

[KarennaC]

I worked with a very close friend who does energy healing. He told me, "You don't have to forgive the people who abused you. In fact, you shouldn't 'forgive' them, because that implies that they have power over you. Take back your power. Forgive yourself for having been there; you did nothing wrong, but since you believe you did, you have to start by forgiving yourself. And then accept what happened, accept that your abusers no longer have any power over you, and live the life you deserve to live."

I'm not a bad person; I'm a good person who had some really bad things happen. But those things aren't me. They changed how I respond to events and to certain people, but they didn't change the person inside; I'm still just as good and as deserving of good things as I was the day I was created.

It's just damn hard to remember that sometimes.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

D/s relationships confuse me.
I have always been a submissive person. Just trying to figure it out myself. I've been through some bad shit and at the moment, pretty confused by the 'D/s' meanings. If its possible for someone to explain it to me, i would be greatful.

 

[KarennaC]

ASG, what confuses you?

 

[Bandit58]

D/s relationships confuse me.
I have always been a submissive person. Just trying to figure it out myself. I've been through some bad shit and at the moment, pretty confused by the 'D/s' meanings. If its possible for someone to explain it to me, i would be greatful.

From
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml

The key difference between S&M and Abuse, is "consent".
* Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.
* Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREAT

BDSM Vs Abuse

S&M
* Is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory
* S&M is a controlled environment
* S&M has safe words to stop the scene
* In a S&M scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
* S&M can be an erotic sexual encounter
* In S&M both partners are enjoying themselves
* in S&M the dominant respects limits
* In S&M there is mutual respect
* In S&M the relationship is fulfilling
* In S&M both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships
* In S&M one can ask their partner to "play"
* In S&M relationship there is trust
* In S&M a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant
* S&M is about building trust
* S&M builds self esteem
* S&M builds the spirit of a submissive

Abuse
* Abuse is not negotiated
* Abuse is an out of control environment
* Abuse does not have safe words
* An abuser does not give a damn about the victim
* Abuse is always one sided
* Abuse is never negotiated.
* In abuse, no one is enjoying the results
* The abuser is into non consensual violence
* The victim has no respect towards the abuser
* In abuse the victim is harmed
* In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled
* The abuser always feel they are superior
* A person does not ask for abuse
* In an abusive relationship there is no trust
* The abuser does not care for consent
* Abuse has no trust
* Abuse destroys self esteem
* An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim

Physical abuse is all of the following:
* Hit, choke, slap, threaten or hurt you outside the scene content.
* The abuser will force sexual acts upon you, even if you are not in the mood
* Will rarely respect your physical limits

Mental/emotional abuse consists of:
* Isolating you from your friends, family or others
* Putting you constantly into a confused state
* Constantly being criticized
* Making you financially dependent upon them
* They are constantly draining you of your finances
* You constantly have to watch what you say around them
* Making you feel worthless
* Blames you for all misfortunes
* Extreme jealousy on their part
* You being constantly afraid to speak to your partner
* Never listening to your concerns
* Constantly asking you for financial support
* You living constantly in the state of "Walking on Egg shells"

Edit to add: A BDSM relationship does not have to include pain to qualify. A Dom can control the pleasure of his submissive in a scene, and tease and please her. A sub can pleasure her Master according to how he wishes....no pain involved (unless wished for of course )

 

[KarennaC]

Bandit, thank you for posting that! That answers a couple questions I'd had as well.

 

[Gil_T2]

Bandit, thank you for posting that! That answers a couple questions I'd had as well.

Thankyou to Luna, Karenna, ASG for posting.

With D/s there are several keys that I believe should always be followed.

*know what the sub expects for her to find pleasure in play.

*safe, sane & freely consentual.

*honesty

*RESPECT

*safe words
ABUSE HAS NONE OF THESE

The term sub like most things to do with humans changes from person to person & the variety of pleasures each one seeks, some enjoy no pain yet others enjoy a lot of pain it is the D's job to discover the subs limits. A so called Dom/Domme that expects a new contact sub to just turn up & serve isn't seriously considering the subs well being.

As for Abuse survivers being subs it isn't a normal thing as I've have had several subs over the years & majority were never abused.

 

[KarennaC]

As for Abuse survivers being subs it isn't a normal thing as I've have had several subs over the years & majority were never abused.

It makes sense that not all subs have been abused. Of those who have been abused who have found their way into the BDSM lifestyle, though, do you think they gravitate more toward Dominance or toward submission? Or does it there not seem to be a majority either way? (From what I've been reading, I would say there doesn't seem to be a majority; there are several here who are Dominant, several who are submissive, and several who don't seem to be in the lifestyle and therefore aren't either.)

I think I said before that I feel like I have some submissive tendencies, but don't know if I would have been submissive if I hadn't been abused. My abuse began too early for me to be able to say, "Well, before I was abused, I felt..." I've joined a BDSM site that has a chat room, and spent a little time there yesterday lurking and learning. (Also was invited to a munch. lol)

 

[Gil_T2]

It makes sense that not all subs have been abused. Of those who have been abused who have found their way into the BDSM lifestyle, though, do you think they gravitate more toward Dominance or toward submission? Or does it there not seem to be a majority either way? (From what I've been reading, I would say there doesn't seem to be a majority; there are several here who are Dominant, several who are submissive, and several who don't seem to be in the lifestyle and therefore aren't either.)

I think I said before that I feel like I have some submissive tendencies, but don't know if I would have been submissive if I hadn't been abused. My abuse began too early for me to be able to say, "Well, before I was abused, I felt..." I've joined a BDSM site that has a chat room, and spent a little time there yesterday lurking and learning. (Also was invited to a munch. lol)

Several of the abuse survivers that I know who have been in the "lifestyle" are switches meaning they some times with the right person like to Dom/ top & others they put on their sub hat & both work for them so it is a wide world with lots of variety. Keep exploring to find your desires as only you can workout what is right for you. If you ever want to know more PM us.

 

[KarennaC]

Thank you, Gil

And BUMP. lol

 

[Bandit58]

I was watching a Dr Phil show about this abusive controlling asshole who secretly put a GPS in his wife's car so he could track her, and had cameras set up all over the house so he could watch her every move, and even turned the heat up when she was sleeping so he could perv on her when she threw the bedclothes off....he even faked having a vasectomy so he could get her pregnant again to keep her trapped there (they already had three kids). It took me back to my "bad place" again....Gil could see I was upset and we talked about it and I'm ok now, but I just wish these things wouldn't affect me so much

 

[Gil_T2]

I read this in a totally unrelated site so distant to this thread but these word seemed appropriate.


Fear is deceptive. Fear will attempt to justify itself. Often, you can think of your fears as though they were living creatures of their own; they will fight to protect and defend themselves, just like any other living thing.

Fear is tricky because it can color and distort the way you see the world. You will often see (or, sometimes, fabricate) things which support your fear, while totally missing things which contradict your fear. On top of that, when you are afraid, you tend to project that feeling into the past, remembering most strongly those things which confirm your fear; and into the future, and believe, if only subconsciously, that this is the only way you will ever respond to this kind of situation, and no other response is possible.

Fear tends to wither and die if you drag it out into the light, though. I'm personally a big fan of marching into the closet, grabbing the biggest and ugliest monster in there by the tail, and then dragging it out and going toe-to-toe with it. Fears gain strength when you let them hide in the shadows, and lose strength when you examine them and confront them head-on.