Sex only affair
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SassySheDevil
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Not sure why people come on and ask for advice in these types of situations when I'm pretty sure their mind is made up anyway. Even from your posts, it's pretty clear you have already decided to meet up and pursue it. Just be willing to accept the consequences if things don't go as planned. I also agree with what's been said about it being a "sex only" kind of thing. If you have a past with this guy already, there's already feelings there. Even if you both just hope for help with getting your extra aggressions out, There will be more to it at some point.
Good luck though.
Good luck though.
OnceFuturePoly
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I hear what you're asking. Be nice if the moral police could understand this is NOT at "should I" question. And then there's those who can't read...
1. Can you construct some Plausible Deniability?
What's the story if you are noticed and word gets back. Can you do anything that would help the story stand up?
Evidence to support a location or day or time? A food receipt from close to the hotel? (Throw it in your glove box to rot until needed.)
2. Can you afford to tell some truth? Or, consider if some sort of preemptive strike might be worthwhile.
You get home (from the town you often go to) and say that you accidentally ran across an old friend, etc. Be prepared to answer, "Did you do drinks? Fuck?" with a straight face. If word gets back, it's your word vs. the rumor; and in your favor, you've pre-disclosed.
3. For the room, consider involving a friend and a service like priceline.com. Use their card and pay them when the reservation's accepted (priceline charges the card). Since the room is prepaid, the hotel doesn't need to run the card, etc. when you get there. Of course, you may have to kill the friend later...
4. Some cards will send phone text messages when used, particularly for a larger amount (> $50). I've also gotten calls from the fraud prevention people for an unusual amount/time/place. Could your spouse get them?
5. If your spouse monitors a card online, temporary holds can show up for a day or two add then disappear from the online statement. Hotels, rental stores, some merchants, gas stations, restaurants, etc. run the card for a "hold amount", to be later offset with an actual charge and release of the unused amount.
For example, you use a card at a gas pump for $40, check the online statement, and see "xxx gas $75". The next day this entry changes to "xxx gas $40". Or you put up a deposit at a hotel and see "xxx hotel $150" in the online statement until the day after, when they "refund" (release the hold for) the deposit.
1. Can you construct some Plausible Deniability?
What's the story if you are noticed and word gets back. Can you do anything that would help the story stand up?
Evidence to support a location or day or time? A food receipt from close to the hotel? (Throw it in your glove box to rot until needed.)
2. Can you afford to tell some truth? Or, consider if some sort of preemptive strike might be worthwhile.
You get home (from the town you often go to) and say that you accidentally ran across an old friend, etc. Be prepared to answer, "Did you do drinks? Fuck?" with a straight face. If word gets back, it's your word vs. the rumor; and in your favor, you've pre-disclosed.
3. For the room, consider involving a friend and a service like priceline.com. Use their card and pay them when the reservation's accepted (priceline charges the card). Since the room is prepaid, the hotel doesn't need to run the card, etc. when you get there. Of course, you may have to kill the friend later...
4. Some cards will send phone text messages when used, particularly for a larger amount (> $50). I've also gotten calls from the fraud prevention people for an unusual amount/time/place. Could your spouse get them?
5. If your spouse monitors a card online, temporary holds can show up for a day or two add then disappear from the online statement. Hotels, rental stores, some merchants, gas stations, restaurants, etc. run the card for a "hold amount", to be later offset with an actual charge and release of the unused amount.
For example, you use a card at a gas pump for $40, check the online statement, and see "xxx gas $75". The next day this entry changes to "xxx gas $40". Or you put up a deposit at a hotel and see "xxx hotel $150" in the online statement until the day after, when they "refund" (release the hold for) the deposit.
Last edited:
Thanks for the advice and understanding what I was asking!
nfrrdscnnr1
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hmmm
It's tough to have an itch that needs scratching and no way to get what you need. Are you really sure you care all that much if your marriage ends?
It's tough to have an itch that needs scratching and no way to get what you need. Are you really sure you care all that much if your marriage ends?
AleisterCrowley
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This is a terrible fucking idea. Do you have any idea how many murders stem from stupid people cheating on their spouses?
Have some freaking respect for the man who married you!
Also, why isn't my avatar showing up!?!?!??!
Have some freaking respect for the man who married you!
Also, why isn't my avatar showing up!?!?!??!
AleisterCrowley
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I know, right? 'Cause nothing says romance like STDs or an unplanned pregnancy.
He is obviously some weird pervert from India!
Scrubber
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Good advice. Especially number 1.
I would add that having a dedicated cell phone for contact with this person is probably a good idea, assuming you can keep it unseen by spouse. Sometimes texts and messages show up without having to put in the password on the lock screen (at least they do on mine) and that could cause you problems. A dedicated credit card is also not a bad idea. (Having typed this I suspect these things have already been mentioned; I haven't read the thread in detail)
I would also add that whatever you do, when you are in public do not skulk about and try to look invisible. Have a cover story ready and then parade around quite openly. Nobody is going to jump to the correct conclusion immediately if you are sat in the middle of a bar, rather than hiding behind a pillar.
Be aware that you are going to start second guessing yourself. Your spouse may make comments which make you think he suspects, even if he actually doesn't. You will read things into what he says or does that may or may not be there. Oddly enough that could be your undoing if you start to reassure him when in fact he wasn't looking for reassurance.
Porkwarrior
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Other than the usual suspects showing up with their tales of woe, some decent advice.
I will throw one out there, if this is going to be a semi-regular ongoing thing find out what perfume his wife wears and buy a bottle. Spouses (especially female ones) are very good at picking up new smells. Even if it is not something you'd buy yourself, putting on his "special" scent can help build the anticipation.
And for the record, I am actively cheating after 12yrs of marriage, and yes it is worth it.
I will throw one out there, if this is going to be a semi-regular ongoing thing find out what perfume his wife wears and buy a bottle. Spouses (especially female ones) are very good at picking up new smells. Even if it is not something you'd buy yourself, putting on his "special" scent can help build the anticipation.
And for the record, I am actively cheating after 12yrs of marriage, and yes it is worth it.
Rapt_Attention
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I think I am reading this incorrectly. Have you been cheating for the whole 12 years, or this is a recent occurrence ?
OT:
If you must do this, I would invest in a basic burn phone. Pre-paid. Careful as most require you to have some type of credit card info to confirm your id. If it's found, it can be considered an emergency phone. Make sure you delete numbers and texts....talk about a mess of info to be found!
Prepaid Visa that you can monitor on-line and load virtually everywhere, plus you can avoid those unsettling snail mail documents. Once again can be considered emergency fund.
Of course this leads to yet another email account. By the way, there are smart phone versions of these pre-paids. Though they are a little pricey. Depends on how far you want this to go?
Now that I have said all that...let me say one more thing.
This is your life, your decision, and that means that you have to live with whatever comes of it. There has been alot of advice and opinions flying around here, but in the end you are the one in charge.
Make sure you have considered all the angles on this before you make the leap. Once you go, you cannot come back.
Be careful and good luck. Hope it works out for you!
nfrrdscnnr1
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some of
Some of us, at least will be cheering you to to get what you desire.
Some of us, at least will be cheering you to to get what you desire.
O
OutofTune
Guest
IME, I have not had to give any personal information to purchase and activate a prepaid cellphone. I pay for the phone and refill cards in cash. When activating I give a first name only.
Paul_Chance
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First, decide if you are going to have an affair (long term, multiple visits) or a fling (short term, few visits). What you intend does influence how to approach it.
Second, the best way to have either a fling or an affair and decrease the chances of your getting caught are to simply fold it into your routine. Do not get a burner phone, do not set up a false email, do not get a pre-paid card. Every single one of these things is something your SO can find. Every special preparation you make, that deviates from your routine, is a place you can get caught.
Third, a place to fuck is the biggest challenge for most affairs. One of the key reasons to differentiate between an affair and a fling is how much you intend to invest in it. If you are going to have an affair, plan for it, and rent a studio apartment somewhere. (Alternately, and often cheaper, you can rent a small office somewhere(make up an imaginary business - most landlords could care less as long as they get paid). If it is a fling, you can go the hotel/motel route - unless you live in a very small town, take this approach - visit the small non-chain motels - many of them are purely a cash business. Simply walk in the lobby and say "I am looking for a place with a lot of privacy that does a cash only business, I'll pay up front for the day/night" (Incidentally, if you didn't know it, ask for a day-rate, many small motels charge a different rate if you check out before their regular check in time - this allows them to get paid twice for the same room - you'll never see this advertised, just ask.) Alternately, if you have a trusted mate, simply use their place - don't be afraid to slip them some cash so they'll go away for an agreed on amount of time.
Fourth, unless you're a person who routinely drops off the grid - never, ever turn your phone off, and always promptly answer or return any calls or texts, just like you would do if you were innocently out and about. It is the break in routine that gets you caught.
Fifth, several other posters had some good points about the physical evidence of the affair - neither you nor your lover should ever wear any perfumes, colognes, aftershave, etc.. Always take a shower after sex - and use the exact same brand of shampoo and soap or bodywash you use from home. Never mark each other. Never tear clothing (in fact, always neatly hang your clothing - coming home rumpled is a dead give away). Never carry away any receipts or cards or maps or phone numbers. Memorize them all.
Sixth, if you haven't already, start building a small cash reserve now - that way there are no large withdrawals or patterns of withdrawals. Skim a small amount of cash every paycheck - forty, fifty, sixty dollars.
Seventh, practice lying to your partner - now, every day, tell them some small lie - about lunch, about traffic, about a co-worker, about a friend. Human perception, especially among cohabitants and lovers, is an incredible lie detector. You want to dull that sense in them over time - and it will also give you a very good idea about how good they are at catching your lies.
Then, with all that practical advice - here is the best piece of advice I am going to give you. Sit down with your SO and say "Lately, the sex has not been good and my sex drive is climbing the walls - we need to either pick it up, or invite other lovers into our relationship. I want you to start thinking about an open relationship, and if not open, then one in which we can both have discrete affairs". That conversation may save you the trouble of ever having to cheat - and it will give you a preview of the trouble that may be coming if you do cheat and get caught.
Good luck. And be sure and come back and tell us all about it.
Second, the best way to have either a fling or an affair and decrease the chances of your getting caught are to simply fold it into your routine. Do not get a burner phone, do not set up a false email, do not get a pre-paid card. Every single one of these things is something your SO can find. Every special preparation you make, that deviates from your routine, is a place you can get caught.
Third, a place to fuck is the biggest challenge for most affairs. One of the key reasons to differentiate between an affair and a fling is how much you intend to invest in it. If you are going to have an affair, plan for it, and rent a studio apartment somewhere. (Alternately, and often cheaper, you can rent a small office somewhere(make up an imaginary business - most landlords could care less as long as they get paid). If it is a fling, you can go the hotel/motel route - unless you live in a very small town, take this approach - visit the small non-chain motels - many of them are purely a cash business. Simply walk in the lobby and say "I am looking for a place with a lot of privacy that does a cash only business, I'll pay up front for the day/night" (Incidentally, if you didn't know it, ask for a day-rate, many small motels charge a different rate if you check out before their regular check in time - this allows them to get paid twice for the same room - you'll never see this advertised, just ask.) Alternately, if you have a trusted mate, simply use their place - don't be afraid to slip them some cash so they'll go away for an agreed on amount of time.
Fourth, unless you're a person who routinely drops off the grid - never, ever turn your phone off, and always promptly answer or return any calls or texts, just like you would do if you were innocently out and about. It is the break in routine that gets you caught.
Fifth, several other posters had some good points about the physical evidence of the affair - neither you nor your lover should ever wear any perfumes, colognes, aftershave, etc.. Always take a shower after sex - and use the exact same brand of shampoo and soap or bodywash you use from home. Never mark each other. Never tear clothing (in fact, always neatly hang your clothing - coming home rumpled is a dead give away). Never carry away any receipts or cards or maps or phone numbers. Memorize them all.
Sixth, if you haven't already, start building a small cash reserve now - that way there are no large withdrawals or patterns of withdrawals. Skim a small amount of cash every paycheck - forty, fifty, sixty dollars.
Seventh, practice lying to your partner - now, every day, tell them some small lie - about lunch, about traffic, about a co-worker, about a friend. Human perception, especially among cohabitants and lovers, is an incredible lie detector. You want to dull that sense in them over time - and it will also give you a very good idea about how good they are at catching your lies.
Then, with all that practical advice - here is the best piece of advice I am going to give you. Sit down with your SO and say "Lately, the sex has not been good and my sex drive is climbing the walls - we need to either pick it up, or invite other lovers into our relationship. I want you to start thinking about an open relationship, and if not open, then one in which we can both have discrete affairs". That conversation may save you the trouble of ever having to cheat - and it will give you a preview of the trouble that may be coming if you do cheat and get caught.
Good luck. And be sure and come back and tell us all about it.
Porkwarrior
Midlife Man Whore
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The "place to fuck" is one that is surprisingly difficult to manage without a paper trail, but other than a card you keep hidden from your SO and have the bill mailed to the office or friends house, I found an answer.
There's a site called AirBnB.com, which basically is a place for people to rent out houses & apartments, and most are more than happy to take cash. Unless you live in very small communities or very popular tourist spots there are usually a few decent, clean places you can have all to yourselves by the night for $60-$100. Helps the mood a lot having an entire furnished apartment all yours instead of fretting over a Roach Motel secret.
There's a site called AirBnB.com, which basically is a place for people to rent out houses & apartments, and most are more than happy to take cash. Unless you live in very small communities or very popular tourist spots there are usually a few decent, clean places you can have all to yourselves by the night for $60-$100. Helps the mood a lot having an entire furnished apartment all yours instead of fretting over a Roach Motel secret.
RunningJib
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Go For It
Then go for it. Just keep your eyes open. You two are mature enough to realize that 15 years ago is long in the past. Be honest with your expectations and keep both feet on the ground.
I had an affair 15 or so years ago. It was just sex. We both agreed as to what we wanted and willing to do. It was wonderful to have a partner on the same wave length again.
Have fun
Then go for it. Just keep your eyes open. You two are mature enough to realize that 15 years ago is long in the past. Be honest with your expectations and keep both feet on the ground.
I had an affair 15 or so years ago. It was just sex. We both agreed as to what we wanted and willing to do. It was wonderful to have a partner on the same wave length again.
Have fun
I don't think it is morality police to mention the consequences or sharing your own experiences. The morality police would be quoting the bible or telling them they are evil, which few have said on here, the point is simply to give the OP a different view of it. I am always leery of people who post 'sure, go ahead and do it, it is wonderful' or "I am cheating and it is great", first of all, because you don't know if they in fact are cheating, and secondly, it doesn't really offer the OP any real advice, plus I wonder what happens to the posters who are saying I am cheating, it is great, when the shit hits the fan on them down the road, as it often does...
In the end everyone makes up their own mind, and it is up to the person to decide based on what they feel. I agree with one thing the others have said, if you decide to go ahead, make sure that this can be fit into your normal pattern. If you normally spend every tuesday afternoon hanging out with a friend, and you have your fling during that time, it is likely sometime hubby will see the friend when you are supposed to be together and say "wtf?". Likewise, if you car normally only puts x miles on it a month, and suddenly there is a lot more, if he is the type to keep an eye on the mileage (for oil changes or whatever), he may notice. If it happens when you are plausibly doing other things, or for example, you regularly go to that town, it may work. I still think the OP may be setting herself up for problems, as others pointed out as well, if her marriage has troubles they are trying to work through, and she sees some guy she had the hots for years ago, that could be the recipe for something she didn't think was going to happen...
It would be interesting to see what happens, but I doubt we ever will know what happens, if it even is as good as she thought, or if trouble did happen, few people ever post of the disasters in their lives or tell the whole truth...
In the end everyone makes up their own mind, and it is up to the person to decide based on what they feel. I agree with one thing the others have said, if you decide to go ahead, make sure that this can be fit into your normal pattern. If you normally spend every tuesday afternoon hanging out with a friend, and you have your fling during that time, it is likely sometime hubby will see the friend when you are supposed to be together and say "wtf?". Likewise, if you car normally only puts x miles on it a month, and suddenly there is a lot more, if he is the type to keep an eye on the mileage (for oil changes or whatever), he may notice. If it happens when you are plausibly doing other things, or for example, you regularly go to that town, it may work. I still think the OP may be setting herself up for problems, as others pointed out as well, if her marriage has troubles they are trying to work through, and she sees some guy she had the hots for years ago, that could be the recipe for something she didn't think was going to happen...
It would be interesting to see what happens, but I doubt we ever will know what happens, if it even is as good as she thought, or if trouble did happen, few people ever post of the disasters in their lives or tell the whole truth...
Whenever something happens, I will let you all know. Likewise, if nothing ever happens.
1Browneyedguy
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The same thing happened to me...
We were involved on putting together a chat Board... so at first it started off innocent...
After a few months, things got hotter... She was married and had 2 kids.
I actually met her Husband ( she & I met each other for "lunch" ) when I went down there for something....
He was so busy, he wasn't aware... Many times it was just lunch, just some time spent together...
maybe a few kisses exchanged... Other times we did meet and had sex. We talked about lots of things in our lives.
It lasted for 5 or 6 years... why did it end ? First she moved a little further away and second, she was someone who had to have her way.
Want more info ??? PM me
'
We were involved on putting together a chat Board... so at first it started off innocent...
After a few months, things got hotter... She was married and had 2 kids.
I actually met her Husband ( she & I met each other for "lunch" ) when I went down there for something....
He was so busy, he wasn't aware... Many times it was just lunch, just some time spent together...
maybe a few kisses exchanged... Other times we did meet and had sex. We talked about lots of things in our lives.
It lasted for 5 or 6 years... why did it end ? First she moved a little further away and second, she was someone who had to have her way.
Want more info ??? PM me
'
Porkwarrior
Midlife Man Whore
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Married 12yrs, the odd slip in the last five but only actively seeking & participating in fullblown "affairs" for a few months.
Found a beautiful woman through Lit that has become a FWB relationship, talk to each other almost daily after work for the drive home & get together once or twice a month for an afternoon of badly needed physical intimacy.
RedHotMamaTN
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OK I dont know about other women but I do NOT want to smell like his wife! But I do suggest NOT to wear perfume at all that day and he shouldnt wear anything either.
Change of clothes? Unless u have a trunk to hide them until the spouse goes to bed and you can get them out I would just take a shower before leaving. But you need to think about leaving and coming home in different clothes. will the spouse see this?
Safe sex is always a must! You dont need to bring home something and give it to the spouse. Unless your not having sex then I would still do safe sex!
If phone has GPS, take battery out, if not, dont worry about it. Just have a story to back up why you were in this town. If its shopping go to a store and buy something to have proof you were there.
Good luck.
Good advice from everyone. That's all logistics and can be thought through and dealt with. What you need to be ready for is how hot the sex will be, especially the first time. You're going to want to do it again, almost immediately. That's the way it was for me. Resist the urge. Make your meetings an irregular occurrence that aids in further spicing up your email and text exchanges. Do it too often and one of you will start to get attached which will lead to complications.
And let us all know how it was after you meet him.
And let us all know how it was after you meet him.
I see two divorces in the near future.
Honestly you two should do your partners a favor and hook them up with each other. Seems like they could have more in common and would be better off then being stuck with you guys.
I ring low on morality scales but that is just bad lol.
Honestly you two should do your partners a favor and hook them up with each other. Seems like they could have more in common and would be better off then being stuck with you guys.
I ring low on morality scales but that is just bad lol.
As has been said by many, if you want to get laid, be careful and go for it. If you want an intimate friend who will also fuck you then you are out of luck. I believe an affair should be free of deep emotion. Having a fuck buddy is fun (I had one for 20+ years). While we were fucking she had affairs and I had affairs. This DID NOT bother either of use because we were friends NOT LOVERS
To repeat the many wise members who have also written to you, recognize all you stand to lose for sexual friendship. If your OK then have fun and teach him how graze before, during and after insertion.
To repeat the many wise members who have also written to you, recognize all you stand to lose for sexual friendship. If your OK then have fun and teach him how graze before, during and after insertion.
