Raisin Dick Rocks Her World - my 2nd story

[ToddEverman]

Hi all. So I guess this is where we ask for feedback on our stories?

I wanted to do something a little different and against the grain here: an interracial / small penis story that wasn't cruel or mocking.
It's short, only 750 words. Would love some feedback

https://literotica.com/s/raisin-dick-rocks-her-world. Thank you

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I wanted to do something a little different and against the grain here: an interracial / small penis story that wasn't cruel or mocking.

I don't usually read I/R (and it might show in my review) but this got my attention and I didn't want your post to go completely without reply. So here goes.

A few minor points:

Windy's heart raced.

I think the choice to name your FMC Windy set the wrong tone for your story, which otherwise avoids racial stereotypes.

My first thought was that you were lampooning the tendency of Black people to use unusual spellings of established names. Only after Googling it did I understand that it's a real name and even a popular one in the US in the 70s and 80s.

This is an example of the Tiffany problem. Tiffany is a fine name for a medieval English girl. It's been in use since the 1200s and comes from Theophania. You still can't name anyone Tiffany in your medieval English setting, because readers will misinterpret it.

Her full lips met his thin ones...She adored the contrast of her ebony hands along his creamy thighs...thick meaty pussy lips...

Is this a thing in the I/R category, to emphasize the racial differences like this? If so, well done. Not being an I/R aficionado myself, I found it rather odd.

On to the meat of my comments:

The most glorious micro penis she'd ever encountered.

Why is she into micropenises? That would be unusual and I would have loved to hear more about it.

Similarly, from his end, I'm surprised how comfortable he is with his penis. It's a rare (<1.5/10k) and often stigmatized condition. It used to be common to recommend sex reassignment surgery! E.g., David Reimer.

As the story went on, I felt a bit like a passenger in a car driving past a wreck, peering out the rear window at this fascinating thing I couldn't stop to explore.

...setting off fireworks of pure orgasmic bliss through every sensitive nerve ending.

Being multi-orgasmic was both a blessing and a curse; the downside being she still wanted more, even as she sensed his own pending eruption.

They came together...

What a long sentence to read as they approach their mutual climax! There's even a semi-colon. I like to think of myself as a syntactically sophisticated sort of person but the sad truth is I can't handle semi-colons when I'm about to come.

Try shorter sentences next time. Short sentences build urgency. Sentence fragments, even. They feel tense. They feel excited. Choppiness is a feature. See what I'm doing? I swear it works.

"Thought what?" Windy smirked. "You'd stay the night? Nah, I'm done with you for now, raisin dick. But leave me your number on the way out. Maybe I'll call you. Maybe."

I didn't understand this part. Your character's motivations were not apparent to me. If I spent the whole night flirting with someone and then had mind-blowing sex with that person, I'd be nicer afterward. If nothing else, it'd improve my chances of getting more of the same.

I could imagine many reasons for Windy to do otherwise. Maybe she doesn't want to seem insecure. Maybe he's cocky and she wants to take him down a peg. But you don't specify, so it just seems a bit mysterious.

Hope some of this was helpful. Again, I'm not an I/R reader, so no promises anything I said is representative of your real audience's opinions.

 

[ToddEverman]

Why is she into micropenises? That would be unusual and I would have loved to hear more about it.

My honest answer is I purposely wanted to flip the stereotypical IR trope of the petite white woman and big black man with huge cock.

And so my story became about a big beautiful black woman with a thing for skinny white guys with small dicks.

Try shorter sentences next time.

I'll work on that thanks.

I didn't understand this part. Your character's motivations were not apparent to me. If I spent the whole night flirting with someone and then had mind-blowing sex with that person, I'd be nicer afterward. If nothing else, it'd improve my chances of getting more of the same.

I could imagine many reasons for Windy to do otherwise. Maybe she doesn't want to seem insecure. Maybe he's cocky and she wants to take him down a peg. But you don't specify, so it just seems a bit mysterious.

Honestly? Don't exactly know why I did that. It just sorta happened. Maybe I just wanted something different. I kinda thought it was funny. But maybe didn't ultimately work.

Hope some of this was helpful.

It was and I truly appreciate your honest feedback thank you

 

[joy_of_cooking]

to flip the stereotypical IR trope of the petite white woman and big black man with huge cock.

Fair enough. That was what caught my attention---it really does make your story stand out in a sea of BBC. Thanks! We need more stories like this that question the conventions, especially the (in my opinion) sketchy ones.