Joyful reviews

[joy_of_cooking]

In the spirit of putting out into the world what I would like to receive from it, I am offering to review people's stories.

I don't have any real-world credentials or even a particularly illustrious career on this site. But you can check out my previous reviews here: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

What I promise is a thoughtful response that addresses some aspect of writing, explains my reasoning, and cites both specific snippets of your work and also relevant external sources where I can muster those.

You may notice that I tend to dwell on what can be improved. In other words, the negatives. That's the kind of review I like to get, when I'm looking to get better rather than figure out how I measure up to some standard.

You may also notice that I'm not always right (to the extent "right" means anything here). Consider Eldritch Pact by @MediocreAuthor. My review was lukewarm and mostly negative. Meanwhile, @AwkwardMD and @Omenainen loved it. Who are you going to believe?

To summarize: ignorant, pessimistic, probably wrong. Who's in?

Edit:

Shorter works are easiest to fit into my schedule. This got started when @AlexBailey suggested we swap reviews on 750 word stories. Probably anything under 10k is fair game.

I think there's nothing on this site that's so unpleasant I'll decline to read it, but there's always a first time. I will gladly refund every penny you paid if I am unable to complete the review.

Edit 2:

I'm starting to wonder if I pay more attention to world-building, and to the consistency between world-building decisions, than most readers. Maybe this is an area in which I can be particularly valuable.

 

[AchtungNight]

I would accept your reviews, but I may or may not enjoy them. I'm usually more into affirmation than criticism and improvement advice. But feel free to pick any of my stories that interest you if you have no other more intriguing or accepting prospects. And remember I have the right to ignore, counter, or deny the validity of your words.

 

[AG31]

In the spirit of putting out into the world what I would like to receive from it, I am offering to review people's stories.

I would be delighted to have you talk about one of my stories. I've been fine tuning them since they were written, the first published on Smashwords three years ago. The most common suggestion for improvement I get is to tell the reader more about what my MC is thinking. I intentionally don't do that, for whatever reason I'm not sure. But I say that up front just to save your spending energy on a futile cause. But, of course, I won't be offended if you join the crowd on that front. I won't be offended at anything you say and look forward to some nuggets of gold I can use for further improvements.

My best, longest (7 Lit pages) and first is Twelve Maxbridge Street.

The exception to my general practice of staying out of my MC's heads is Naked.

Here is a list of all eleven. Please choose whatever most strikes your fancy.

Alert. All but 3 of my stories are pretty harsh S & M.

P.S. - Tech question. What do you see if you click on this link? list of all eleven I used this originally, but I see it has "my" in the URL.

 

[yowser]

P.S. - Tech question. What do you see if you click on this link? list of all eleven I used this originally, but I see it has "my" in the URL.

That will be the catalog of whoever is logged in (ie. it brings up the list of 'whoever is logged in' stories, not yours.)

Use this: https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5810060&page=submissions

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I just wanted to voice my support for your effort. It doesn't matter how strong your credentials are as long as you are honest about them. Your stories and posts are here so people can see for themselves what your skills are. Good luck and don't fall into the trap of being too nice

 

[VerbalAbuse]

You may also notice that I'm not always right (to the extent "right" means anything here). Consider Eldritch Pact by @MediocreAuthor. My review was lukewarm and mostly negative. Meanwhile, @AwkwardMD and @Omenainen loved it. Who are you going to believe?

You.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

You may also notice that I'm not always right (to the extent "right" means anything here). Consider Eldritch Pact by @MediocreAuthor. My review was lukewarm and mostly negative. Meanwhile, @AwkwardMD and @Omenainen loved it. Who are you going to believe?

My own opinion about that story was also much more critical than AwkwardMD's and Omenainen's. It just means we all have our own views and criteria. I would even say that much can be learned by taking all of those opinions into account.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Twelve Maxbridge Street by @AG31

If you wanted a critique that doesn't exhort you to provide more characterization, you've come to the right person. I have no trouble reading and enjoying stories that don't dwell on characterization, and the 4.71 rating on your story shows me that your readers don't mind either.

I will, however, take issue with a different aspect of your characterization, not the quantity but the quality. In particular, the consistency. You don't have to show us a lot about your characters, but what you choose to show has to make sense.

Pederson is a character which does not make sense to me. In the club, Pederson gleefully participates in his boss's humiliation:

"Yes, that's right," Pederson said in response to Faranger's expression. "Here we are. Don't move for now....He desires humiliation." Pederson smiled at [Stephanie]. It was actually a smirk. "We can provide it...No, John, don't close your eyes. You must watch us the whole time to get the full effect."

The next we see him, he's worried about retaliation:

Pederson wasn't overtly frightened, but he looked at Faranger with concern.

Even Faranger's friendly thanks don't entirely assuage his fears:

Pederson nodded tentatively.

Where were Pederson's fears that night in the club? His boss doesn't even know his first name, which indicates he's addressed by surname at work. That suggests a formal, hierarchical office. A sociologist might call it high power distance. That's not a setting which usually encourages subordinates to participate in the "humiliation" (Pederson's word) of their superiors.

This is what I mean by inconsistency of characterization.

Here comes a suggestion which I suspect you have not heard before: show us less about your characters.

My problem with Pederson was the contradiction between the two scenes in which he appears. I wouldn't have thought anything of it if the second were simply missing.

I use a similar technique in two stories of mine:

First Deterrence Session (750 Words)
He dreams of real slavery. She shows him a real beating.

Home For Her Birthday (750 Words)
24/7 slave gets a day off when Mistress's husband comes home.

Both of these feature characters who want to be true slaves of their wives. I don't give any explanation for this unusual desire. I just assert this, show everyone around them apparently accepting this, and (crucially) show nothing else which the reader might struggle to reconcile with this. Can't be inconsistent if there's no other information, right?

A few minor things while I'm here:

You sometimes combine action by one character with quoted speech by another. The scene with Pederson I quoted above has an example of this. You can look up dialogue tags and especially action tags for the relevant conventions, but the short version is to put them in separate paragraphs for clarity.

Some of the sex acts you depict are implausible to the point of challenging my suspension of disbelief. For example, he says he has never been anally penetrated, and I don't see any mention of lubrication, and yet people "ram" progressively larger things up his butt in rapid succession? If the narration lingered on his agony and probably his injury, I'd be like, "Okay, not my kink, but I get it." It doesn't. It treats this like a reasonable practice. That's about as difficult to sell as people randomly walking on water or regrowing lost limbs---it challenges strongly held expectations about physical reality.

Hope any of that was useful.

 

[AG31]

Twelve Maxbridge Street by @AG31

If you wanted a critique that doesn't exhort you to provide more characterization, you've come to the right person. I have no trouble reading and enjoying stories that don't dwell on characterization,

YAY!!!!!

and the 4.71 rating on your story shows me that your readers don't mind either.

I will, however, take issue with a different aspect of your characterization, not the quantity but the quality. In particular, the consistency. You don't have to show us a lot about your characters, but what you choose to show has to make sense.

Thank you!!! I will fix this whole Pederson thing!!

A few minor things while I'm here:

You sometimes combine action by one character with quoted speech by another. The scene with Pederson I quoted above has an example of this. You can look up dialogue tags and especially action tags for the relevant conventions, but the short version is to put them in separate paragraphs for clarity.

And again. I will fix this!

Some of the sex acts you depict are implausible to the point of challenging my suspension of disbelief. For example, he says he has never been anally penetrated, and I don't see any mention of lubrication, and yet people "ram" progressively larger things up his butt in rapid succession? If the narration lingered on his agony and probably his injury, I'd be like, "Okay, not my kink, but I get it." It doesn't. It treats this like a reasonable practice. That's about as difficult to sell as people randomly walking on water or regrowing lost limbs---it challenges strongly held expectations about physical reality.

This was something that Omenainen/AwkwardMD (I forget which) spotted also and I immediately fixed it in the Smashwords version (very easy to post new revisions). I haven't updated in Lit because I don't like to clog the pipeline with little stuff.

Hope any of that was useful.

Absolutely!! Just what I was looking for. If you run out of candidates for reviews, please choose another of mine!

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Who are you going to believe?

Well, in this particular instance, you should believe Omenainen and AwkwardMD, duh, because they're opinion was clearly BETTER

I KID!

But in all seriousness, that review helped me better contextualize some of the ideas I had about my own story, and you were one of the only ones to notice evidence of a link between the shadow beasts and L'ventia.

I very much value that review plus your insight in general. Thank you for those reviews and the fact that you are offering more.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's a bit over 10k, but having read "Snowed In", I'd be interested in your thoughts on "The Floggings Will Continue..." if you can fit it in. Understood if not.

https://literotica.com/s/the-floggings-will-continue

 

[lovecraft68]

Consider Eldritch Pact by @MediocreAuthor. My review was lukewarm and mostly negative. Meanwhile, @AwkwardMD and @Omenainen loved it. Who are you going to believe?

You. You don't have an agenda or schtick to live up to.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

It's a bit over 10k, but having read "Snowed In", I'd be interested in your thoughts on "The Floggings Will Continue..." if you can fit it in. Understood if not.

https://literotica.com/s/the-floggings-will-continue

I liked "The Floggings Will Continue"! Happy to re-read and review but probably won't be for a few days.

Which "Snowed In" do you mean? Lit has at least 19 by that name.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Who are you going to believe?

FWIW this was meant as a self-deprecating joke. We don't have to talk about A&O or their reviews in this thread.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Which "Snowed In" do you mean? Lit has at least 19 by that name.

D'oh! Do you mean my own story Snowed In with a Predator ?

 

[Bramblethorn]

D'oh! Do you mean my own story Snowed In with a Predator ?

That's the one!

 

[MediocreAuthor]

You. You don't have an agenda or schtick to live up to.

Was this intended as a jab at Eldritch Pact? I don't know what reason you'd have to attack it.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Was this intended as a jab at Eldritch Pact? I don't know what reason you'd have to attack it.

I am pretty sure it was a jab at AwkwardMD and Omenainen that had nothing to do with your story.

 

[lovecraft68]

Was this intended as a jab at Eldritch Pact? I don't know what reason you'd have to attack it.

Awkwardly set nailed it.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I am pretty sure it was a jab at AwkwardMD and Omenainen that had nothing to do with your story.

I figured that too.. I was just intending a subtle reminder that we can catch unintentional targets in the crossfire when we attack others.

I mean, I can't see how AMD and Omen could accused of rating Eldritch Pact highly because of some hidden agenda.

Awkwardly set nailed it.

You added this while I was typing. See response above.

 

[nice90sguy]

After posting you a link to my Findom Howto, I decided to re-upload it here. Findom: Is It Right For Me?

Thanks for reminding me about it!

I also resubmitted a dark, non-erotic story, which got a good review from AwkwardMD when I first posted it. I wonder what you think of it:
Body and Soul

 

[joy_of_cooking]

The Floggings Will Continue... by @Bramblethorn

The depth of real-world knowledge in your stories reminds me of hard science fiction. Greg Egan, Peter Watts, Charles Stross (well, sometimes). Except unlike Egan, you can also write characters.

"The Floggings Will Continue..." is one of the stories where I skimmed the sex because I was too interested in everything else going on. The office politics in the beginning, the group dynamics in the team-building exercise, the little side stories with Kathleen and Margaret.

You fooled me with the opening scene. I read the rest of the story expecting one resolution of the Kelly-Timothy-Sigrid triangle and found an entirely different one. Well done.

What I love most is how well everything makes sense. You have lots of comments praising the verisimilitude here and I wholeheartedly agree. If you'd started off point-blank with "I had a three-way in front of forty people at a corporate team-building exercise" I would have scoffed. But by the time Sigrid joined them on the beanbag chair, it made sense.

Write more!

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Body and Soul by @nice90sguy

This was a tough one. I chuckled several times and smiled almost continuously as I read it. I rated it five stars. And yet...something about it bothered me.

There's a lot to like about it:

The Capitalization of Cliches was cute.

The many instances where you find multiple reasonable interpretations of the same events (Angela with the cigarettes, Zoe with the transfer) felt very true to life.

As did the...I'll call it the triumph of banality. By which I mean the many times you eschew the more dramatic option for something mundane (why Angela cries, why Zoe likes Peter, why Zoe feels a strong sense of destiny). Also, what happens to Peter in the end. These all appeal to my view of the world.

And finally, the zingers. The zingers! "It was a statement of intent, not a prediction. After all, people change." And, "Beautiful. That word, used in that way, is really a euphemism for "sexually attractive." And, "Oh, she's fictional alright, but I'm no God, not in anyone's books."

So what bothers me?

My best guess is that there are a few too many jokes. I just got tired of laughing. Here are a few you could have cut, and still have had a funny story:

1. The digression about the soul's body vs the body's soul
2. The digression about mendacity. I think it would have worked just to start using those phrases, capitalized, without introducing them first.
3. The bit about "how it feels for Pete to have no soul."
4. The Courier font thing
5. The musing about glorious sunsets
6. Winning smiles

I think this could have been a much shorter story, and a funnier one for it. But it kept going past when I ran out of laughter.

Oh, and minor thing, but I can't make any sense of this paragraph:

When my wife and I separated, our kids took it hard. There are two reasons for this: Firstly, Angela and Pete weren't ready for kids, what with the Current Economic Climate, not to mention Climate Change, blah blah. Secondly, even though they'd be fictional, I wouldn't want to put their kids through what my kids went through.

I'm guessing you meant to say something like this? "Angela and Pete didn't have kids. There are two reasons for this: Firstly,... Secondly, when my wife and I separated, our kids took it hard. Even though they'd be fictional..." But something went wrong in the editing.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You fooled me with the opening scene. I read the rest of the story expecting one resolution of the Kelly-Timothy-Sigrid triangle and found an entirely different one. Well done.

What I love most is how well everything makes sense. You have lots of comments praising the verisimilitude here and I wholeheartedly agree. If you'd started off point-blank with "I had a three-way in front of forty people at a corporate team-building exercise" I would have scoffed. But by the time Sigrid joined them on the beanbag chair, it made sense.

Thank you! Particularly appreciated since both of those were objectives for me in writing that story.

 

[nice90sguy]

But something went wrong in the editing.

Damn, you're right, that sentence shouldn't have been there!

I agree with your points -- I needed to kill a few children