Open / Swinging Relationship Advice

[cookiecat]

I'm in a new relationship with a guy who has swinging shenanigans in his past. Up until now, I've been monogamous-ish. Going in to the relationship, I knew about his swingin' ways. We've been to a couple swinger parties but more on an observation level. He and his wife (they were married forever - we are both widowers) enjoyed this lifestyle and he has a lot of friends who attend these parties. I had a lot of fun - everyone was pretty low-key and welcoming.

Right now, my guy is totally fine with monogamy. He knows my background in bdsm and is interested in exploring that with me. He's a little kinky but wants more (yay me!) I'm the one who is interested in dipping my toes in to the swinger stuff. He seems open to this. Neither of us are actively seeking anything or anyone. We've been together about 6 months and we're still trying to figure each other out.

So my post is asking for your experiences with open relationships. Swinging (is there a better term for this??). Fucking around with others. Advice?

I'm not looking to add anyone to the relationship - so this isn't about poly.

I've enjoyed Kim's thread and have gleaned a lot of good info there!

I know this isn't exactly bdsm related but I value the opinions here. I will say our relationship has D/s undertones. Anyways. Thanks!

 

[SissySalina]

I'm in a new relationship with a guy who has swinging shenanigans in his past. Up until now, I've been monogamous-ish. Going in to the relationship, I knew about his swingin' ways. We've been to a couple swinger parties but more on an observation level. He and his wife (they were married forever - we are both widowers) enjoyed this lifestyle and he has a lot of friends who attend these parties. I had a lot of fun - everyone was pretty low-key and welcoming.

Right now, my guy is totally fine with monogamy. He knows my background in bdsm and is interested in exploring that with me. He's a little kinky but wants more (yay me!) I'm the one who is interested in dipping my toes in to the swinger stuff. He seems open to this. Neither of us are actively seeking anything or anyone. We've been together about 6 months and we're still trying to figure each other out.

So my post is asking for your experiences with open relationships. Swinging (is there a better term for this??). Fucking around with others. Advice?

I'm not looking to add anyone to the relationship - so this isn't about poly.

I've enjoyed Kim's thread and have gleaned a lot of good info there!

I know this isn't exactly bdsm related but I value the opinions here. I will say our relationship has D/s undertones. Anyways. Thanks!

From this sissy, opinion would be:
Do you care about him? Be up front and open with him about how YOU feel about an open relationship, it is between you two and no one else. Swinging and open relationships are different. Discuss your feeling about the subjects with each other, the more each of you know how the other truly feels the better for the relationship.
If you do not wish to participate then would you mind if he did?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I believe the key to a good swinging lifestyle is the same as other lifestyles: communication! Boundaries must be respected.

You bring up a secondary element, though - his history within the swinger community. Those are real friendships, too. Just because you went to a swinger's event doesn't mean you participated. Most swinger events make it clear whether there will be any onsite partying. Even then, much of that is happening in separate rooms.

As for a different term - many of us just say we're "in the lifestyle," which works. It's like any group - different people participate in different ways. Most swinger groups are respectful of limits. If they're not, it's probably not a good group. Good luck!

 

[davion2308]

The issues that show up with threesomes and swinger relationships are tied almost exclusively to the emotional element. How you and your fella feel about each other and your emotional bond will determine how much or what you try when it comes to swinging or inviting others to come play with you.

It's early in the relationship and you may have a very physically-driven conversation or agreement about sex. Jealousy isn't really ready to show up here because you two haven't had the time to cement a strong emotional relationship with each other just yet. That's something to consider as you move forward with the discussion.

The other question is: "How much emotion do you tie into sex?"

My wife and I, for example, have played with other people and we've had fun with it. We communicate well, we act with responsibility and respect to each other's feelings but we both have always treated sex (even before we met) as a fun, physical activity that isn't tied too heavily to our emotional responses. She once told me it's like playing basketball. Sometimes it's one-on-on, sometimes two-on-two, everyone gets sweaty and has fun and you shower after and get on with your day.

Our viewpoints, while maybe not the healthiest, are at least completely aligned with one another and it makes it work.

If you two have an imbalance in how you feel about sex in general, the small stuff may add up to big stuff down the road. I can't possibly give you advice or recommendations since I don't know you and your relationship but I can say my wife and I spent a lot of time going over the possibilities, the strategies, the communication, and how we might respond well before we tried anything together.

Those conversations were already sexy enough to get things going just for the two of us.

Good luck!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Another vote for really making sure you are on the same page about what this means to you and how things are going to work in different scenarios.
Communicating a lot before going down the non-monogamous road might seem obvious but things change over time too.
For example if you explore BDSM further you might find that that makes a difference in what feels ok or not. Health, body image, self-esteem issues, inter personal or group dynamics can also change how one or both of you feel about it.
In short, keep checking in with each other and don’t take anything for granted.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

My husband and I met in the local kink/bdsm community. We started our relationship as an open relationship. Monogamy is just not for me (but that's a whole different thread). I do not consider myself poly whatsoever. The two times I've even opened myself up to that possibility both men turned out to be asshats. So I/we keep it to just the bedroom.

About a year ago we entered the swinger community. We too have participated mostly on an observational level. Recently, we've been a bit on the exhibitionist side, but not actually having sex publicly - just playing (electric wand). I do "play" with one person regularly we met, and my husband has been present for 90% of our playtime. If anything, it makes our relationship/marriage stronger - we are both very sexual people, and we communicate almost incessantly before, during, and after our excursions.

Whatever you do, go slow. Talk a lot. Then talk some more. Be honest. Expect nothing less than honesty and openness from anyone you bring into your circle. Or just enjoy watching. Some of us like the audience

 

[Islander55]

Not a lot of experience and came to the lifestyle late in life but I think the key is whether the both of you can separate sex and love. If you have sex with someone, there is bound to be some emotional attachment {at least for me} but that is not love. We have been married for 39 years and our commitment goes way beyond sex. If you can view sex as just a fun activity and you do not mind watching him have a good romp with another woman and he does not mind you getting it on with some other man, it could add a lot to your relationship. I assume he would have no problem as he and his wife were into the lifestyle though I might wonder if being completely monogamous would be a strain on him eventually. I think the big issue is how will it effect you. Personally, I really enjoy getting to know someone and being able to take it to a intimate level.

 

[cookiecat]

I just came back to read replies - thanks for the thoughtful answers! I'll follow up shortly...

 

[cubbyfire04]

As has already been mentioned, clear communication is THE most important factor. My past marriage was open (and no, not why we divorced), and we mostly played separately. Those were always the most touchy situations to discuss after.

Make sure the boundaries are clear WELL in advance. Do your best not to leave out everything from seemingly minor to the most graphic details if there's a chance you might engage in it in the future. Establish that common ground before discussing the next topic. (Pro tip: turn that discussion into foreplay. Show your partner exactly what that little kink or technique you're talking about is ).

When it comes to discussing encounters with your S.O... hide no details. If they ask, answer honestly and thoroughly. Also, don't answer questions they don't ask. There's a reason they don't need some information

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm in a new relationship with a guy who has swinging shenanigans in his past. Up until now, I've been monogamous-ish. Going in to the relationship, I knew about his swingin' ways. We've been to a couple swinger parties but more on an observation level. He and his wife (they were married forever - we are both widowers) enjoyed this lifestyle and he has a lot of friends who attend these parties. I had a lot of fun - everyone was pretty low-key and welcoming.

Right now, my guy is totally fine with monogamy. He knows my background in bdsm and is interested in exploring that with me. He's a little kinky but wants more (yay me!) I'm the one who is interested in dipping my toes in to the swinger stuff. He seems open to this. Neither of us are actively seeking anything or anyone. We've been together about 6 months and we're still trying to figure each other out.

So my post is asking for your experiences with open relationships. Swinging (is there a better term for this??). Fucking around with others. Advice?

I'm not looking to add anyone to the relationship - so this isn't about poly.

I've enjoyed Kim's thread and have gleaned a lot of good info there!

I know this isn't exactly bdsm related but I value the opinions here. I will say our relationship has D/s undertones. Anyways. Thanks!

My only thought is that I would maybe push a bit on that 'he's totally fine with monogamy' point. I don't really see non-monogamy as something I 'choose' or 'don't choose' - I just feel wired for non-monogamy, in the same way that a gay person feels wired for same-sex sex. (As you obviously know Cookie, this is large hypothetical on my part, given my almost total lack of success in terms of operationalising the non-monogamy ... but if I say a relationship I'm in *is* monogamous, I just feel trapped.)

With the terms ... I didn't really realise when I started those threads that the terminology is quite specific (as with a lot of bdsm stuff). I think Bucky makes that point. They do seem to imply quite different arrangements. Personally, I just feel like I'm open to anything ... although I prefer sex in a situation where it's ongoing, I could also see situations in which I'd have a one night stand - e.g. maybe introducing a second guy for a threesome who I don't see again.

As everyone says, honest communication is the key. I guess the only thing I'd add is that includes being honest to yourself. If things move down that track and something is bothering you, don't dismiss it because that feeling is part of whatever you've agreed on ... luckily, I think most of us involved in any aspect of bdsm are already down with this idea. Like, saying 'yes, i'd love to try being strung up to the light fitting by my ankles' doesn't mean we have to go through with the whole things if we suddenly realise we're not into it. With all these situations, the notion that consent needs to be *enthusiastic and *ongoing* is important.

 

[Subgrrl99]

I'm in a new relationship with a guy who has swinging shenanigans in his past. Up until now, I've been monogamous-ish. Going in to the relationship, I knew about his swingin' ways. We've been to a couple swinger parties but more on an observation level. He and his wife (they were married forever - we are both widowers) enjoyed this lifestyle and he has a lot of friends who attend these parties. I had a lot of fun - everyone was pretty low-key and welcoming.

Right now, my guy is totally fine with monogamy. He knows my background in bdsm and is interested in exploring that with me. He's a little kinky but wants more (yay me!) I'm the one who is interested in dipping my toes in to the swinger stuff. He seems open to this. Neither of us are actively seeking anything or anyone. We've been together about 6 months and we're still trying to figure each other out.

So my post is asking for your experiences with open relationships. Swinging (is there a better term for this??). Fucking around with others. Advice?

I'm not looking to add anyone to the relationship - so this isn't about poly.

I've enjoyed Kim's thread and have gleaned a lot of good info there!

I know this isn't exactly bdsm related but I value the opinions here. I will say our relationship has D/s undertones. Anyways. Thanks!

Hey! My husband and I swang for years. For us, it wasn't quite the same as an open relationship as we only played together (at the same parties not necessarily supervised per se). We did not play separately outside of these situations, only when we played with other couples we met from said parties.

The best advice I have is to communicate. Just like BDSM communication is incredibly important. No matter what y'all decide, you have to continue to communicate. We saw so many relationships implode when couples tried swinging and just never managed to get on the same page as far as boundaries and general rules went.

 

[cookiecat]

We're headed to a swinger party tonight. It's our first in a while. I'm nervous. Sort of like first date nervous.

The thing he keeps reminding me - which I appreciate - is this swinging life he had in his past does not mean that's our future. He and his wife were monogamous for the first 25+ years of their marriage. So I'm not sure how he's wired. I'm not sure how I'm wired. LOL. The thought of having "permission" so to speak to monkey around feels liberating. And f'ing scary.
d
1000% we'll keep talking about it. That's one of the great things about this relationship - he's super open about his past, about listening to and talking about my questions, concerns, turn-ons.

Has anyone run in to the jealousy issues?

 

[Islander55]

We're headed to a swinger party tonight. It's our first in a while. I'm nervous. Sort of like first date nervous.

The thing he keeps reminding me - which I appreciate - is this swinging life he had in his past does not mean that's our future. He and his wife were monogamous for the first 25+ years of their marriage. So I'm not sure how he's wired. I'm not sure how I'm wired. LOL. The thought of having "permission" so to speak to monkey around feels liberating. And f'ing scary.
d
1000% we'll keep talking about it. That's one of the great things about this relationship - he's super open about his past, about listening to and talking about my questions, concerns, turn-ons.

Has anyone run in to the jealousy issues?

I hope things go well. I think that as long as the two of you can communicate well, things should work out. With his experience it should not be a big deal for him. You should just relax and enjoy whatever you feel like enjoying at the moment. I assume you will not be upset if he wanders off with some women for a tryst. I think that if a couple can share these types of experiences, it enhances their relationship as well.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

There's a lot of variation between swingers and non-monogamous people.

Some swingers insist on keeping all emotions and personality out of their extra sex, sometimes not even wanting to know their new shag's name. More common seems to be wanting to be reasonably friendly but perhaps only within swinger events, some become friends in general, at which point there isn't really a divide between those swingers and polyamorous people who have 'friends with benefits' (some might snark that the difference is in the levels of fake tan...)

What do you do together? If one of you pulls (what is the American word for 'went on the prowl and was successful?) then does the other stay and watch or join in or do you not do anything unless you both have a new partner? If you start seeing people outside events you both go to, then how much time do you spend together? Is it OK for one of you to have a hobby like a sport that takes up time and the other has a hobby that's another relationship? Do the partners need to get on? (IME yes or life gets very difficult, but then they will gang up on you...)

Keep communicating. There's a great book called the Ethical Slut, which is a bit hippy but has an excellent two pages entitled 'How to Fuck Up Non-Monogamy'.

 

[cowboyup6977]

With us when we started it was with my BFF and my husband
I had no idea that I was bi I for some unknown reason I just wanted to watch them do it so I could see what my husband does with me
After that we tried MFM and other couples was not for me
Now I pick out just the girls we play with
Not for everyone but it works for us

 

[SweetSweetThings]

We're headed to a swinger party tonight. It's our first in a while. I'm nervous. Sort of like first date nervous.

The thing he keeps reminding me - which I appreciate - is this swinging life he had in his past does not mean that's our future. He and his wife were monogamous for the first 25+ years of their marriage. So I'm not sure how he's wired. I'm not sure how I'm wired. LOL. The thought of having "permission" so to speak to monkey around feels liberating. And f'ing scary.
d
1000% we'll keep talking about it. That's one of the great things about this relationship - he's super open about his past, about listening to and talking about my questions, concerns, turn-ons.

Has anyone run in to the jealousy issues?

How was the Party ?

Everybody said the key is communication, I would emphasize the listening and paying attention part.
Be sure you are at all times fine with the boundaries and a single "No" wins over many "yes".

I visited quite many clubs with my partner, and sometimes nothing happened or we remained just together.
Mood, atmosphere might change the boundaries and what you might have agreed before...

Jealousy has never been an issue, we are always joining together and make sure we can always see each other.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Jealousy needs validation.

If it comes up be very mindful to connect first, then collaborate. So often I want to go into problem solving the pain away.

Jealousy is okay. It can be neutral. It deserves respect. It's painful to sit in alone. Build the kind of relationship where it's safe to be jealous and you'll figure out a whole bunch more about where you stand on swinging or non monogamy.

I also find learning as much as I can about the nuance and language helps me navigate these issues. I also have to remind myself that others may not always be prescribing the same meaning to the same words.

I'm so excited about this for you

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Just to add: apart from communication, communication, communication, it's also critical to remember contraception, contraception, contraception. And safer sex in general.

The couple times I've seen forays into non-monogamy end worst, it involved someone getting pregnant by someone they hadn't been planning on...

 

[IrisAlthea]

Just to add: apart from communication, communication, communication, it's also critical to remember contraception, contraception, contraception. And safer sex in general.

The couple times I've seen forays into non-monogamy end worst, it involved someone getting pregnant by someone they hadn't been planning on...

And as for the bolded, it’s not just about being able to trust people.
Quoting a friend who has been in a poly group for a long time:
”If you think getting rid of a yeast infection is difficult to get rid of as a couple, try it with multiple partners.”

 

[cookiecat]

I haven't been back in a while and only have 20 minutes to do a Dear Swingin' Diary thing. We're off to a party tonight. I'm actually ready early. I'm drinking tonight, which isn't a good sign because I really don't drink much any more. But it feels like I need something.

Last party, I asked him to spank me to get my swing-jitters under control. I got about 10 spanks. I was hoping for sob-inducing level. That last party -- I WANTED to go. I dressed all fun and sexy and thought dang! I look good!

This time, not so much. I dunno. I can't seem to put my jitters in to words. Do I want this? We swapped / swung / monkeyed around last time. It was fun in an ok way. I wasn't super attracted to the guy but he was nice and I was in the mood to dip in toes and other body parts.

What I really loved was my guy's reaction. I liked that I did this because he wanted it. It hit all kinds of submissive buttons.

This time, though?? Not so much.

No spankin'. Not much monkeying around between us lately. I feel weird. Not seen?? I know, I know I should say something. I'm trying to turn my anxious frown upside down and just go with the flow. We can always do a play-by-play after the party and I can bring this stuff up then. Right??

I dyed my greys earlier. LOL. You know how it is. I can't have grey roots. So why not dye my hair 2 hours before a naked party? Now though, I have almost black hair. I threw some dye on my eyebrows. It's a fact: women tend to lose hair after 50. Who knew? I didn't, until about 10 years ago when I saw a picture of me and thought I looked really odd. I realized I didn't have any eyebrows left. So tonight I thought why not dye them? I look like an angry Uncle Leo when Elaine drew on his eyebrows at the doctors office.

What was I thinking?? I put on some sparkly lotion, too. OMG. It's too much.

Anyhoo. I'm sparkly. I'm not quite buzzed but feeling warm.

In true confession form, I will admit I bought this online "course" called How to Make Him Obsess Over You. It was $49.99. I bought this a while back. I used to buy things at 3 in the morning. Things would arrive at my doorstep weeks later or show up in my email and I wouldn't remember buying them. I blame it on the grief haze. One time, a blonde wig showed up. WTF? So this Obsession course is mostly insane. However, one thing has stuck with me and that's the whole being positive thing. That law of attraction thing. You attract what you put out in the world.

So tonight, I'm going to be fun. Because I want to have fun.

If that fails, they tend to have pretty good food.

 

[default24]

So tonight, I'm going to be fun. Because I want to have fun.

Fuck yes. GO GET 'EM

 

[cookiecat]

Update: we're on the way. I got 12 spanks with a wood paddle. My big ass apparently reflects my surly demeanor. I need more.

As we drive, Rod Stewart's "tonight's the night" is playing.

We're here.

 

[Mtnmike]

I haven't been back in a while and only have 20 minutes to do a Dear Swingin' Diary thing. We're off to a party tonight. I'm actually ready early. I'm drinking tonight, which isn't a good sign because I really don't drink much any more. But it feels like I need something.

Last party, I asked him to spank me to get my swing-jitters under control. I got about 10 spanks. I was hoping for sob-inducing level. That last party -- I WANTED to go. I dressed all fun and sexy and thought dang! I look good!

This time, not so much. I dunno. I can't seem to put my jitters in to words. Do I want this? We swapped / swung / monkeyed around last time. It was fun in an ok way. I wasn't super attracted to the guy but he was nice and I was in the mood to dip in toes and other body parts.

What I really loved was my guy's reaction. I liked that I did this because he wanted it. It hit all kinds of submissive buttons.

This time, though?? Not so much.

No spankin'. Not much monkeying around between us lately. I feel weird. Not seen?? I know, I know I should say something. I'm trying to turn my anxious frown upside down and just go with the flow. We can always do a play-by-play after the party and I can bring this stuff up then. Right??

I dyed my greys earlier. LOL. You know how it is. I can't have grey roots. So why not dye my hair 2 hours before a naked party? Now though, I have almost black hair. I threw some dye on my eyebrows. It's a fact: women tend to lose hair after 50. Who knew? I didn't, until about 10 years ago when I saw a picture of me and thought I looked really odd. I realized I didn't have any eyebrows left. So tonight I thought why not dye them? I look like an angry Uncle Leo when Elaine drew on his eyebrows at the doctors office.

What was I thinking?? I put on some sparkly lotion, too. OMG. It's too much.

Anyhoo. I'm sparkly. I'm not quite buzzed but feeling warm.

In true confession form, I will admit I bought this online "course" called How to Make Him Obsess Over You. It was $49.99. I bought this a while back. I used to buy things at 3 in the morning. Things would arrive at my doorstep weeks later or show up in my email and I wouldn't remember buying them. I blame it on the grief haze. One time, a blonde wig showed up. WTF? So this Obsession course is mostly insane. However, one thing has stuck with me and that's the whole being positive thing. That law of attraction thing. You attract what you put out in the world.

So tonight, I'm going to be fun. Because I want to have fun.

If that fails, they tend to have pretty good food.

Enjoy & hope y'all have all the fun you can stand.

 

[cowboyup6977]

Update: we're on the way. I got 12 spanks with a wood paddle. My big ass apparently reflects my surly demeanor. I need more.

As we drive, Rod Stewart's "tonight's the night" is playing.

We're here.

The anticipation is intoxicating

 

[cookiecat]

I had time to reread everyone's comments. I appreciate the insight from your experiences.

Last night's post was all over the place. I was pretty wired. The party was fun.

I'm trying to keep the fuck part somewhat emotionless - you know? Maybe compartmentalized is a better word. An experience I'm trying to enjoy in that moment. The thing I'm realizing is I enjoy sex with someone I have a connection with. I wanna love/lust/like that person. Not some dude I just met.

I have no regrets. A lot of this is wrapped up in D/s - our relationship leans this way. I like that doing this pleases my guy and that turns me on. At one point, he was watching me with someone else. That felt really really weird. He wasn't with anyone last night. Not sure I ever want to watch him.

I'm not sure what our goal is. I do enjoy the atmosphere. It's fun without the swing part. We hope we'll meet other couples to hang out with and do vanilla stuff, too. I'm not sure I want to meet another couple to swing with on a regular basis.

Right now, jealousy isn't an issue. Not sure why - I tend to be pretty jealous. Right now, though, I feel pretty secure. Maybe it's age? Our relationship?

Guess I'll see where this goes. We are going to a bdsm thing - a munch - at the end of the month. I want more kink and am super glad he's interested in exploring.