ladytalulah
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2018
- Posts
- 1
I know this post is a bit long, but I'm new to both this forum and BDSM in general and would really appreciate advice from more expert members!!
I recently discovered I'm a masochist bottom (not submissive though) and I have a play partner who is a dom and a huge sadist. I had my first scene three days ago, but we've played at least 10 times since then.. I was on a high after the first few days, but todays scene was a bit different.
I wasn't in the best mindset going into it (hangover, anxiety, brain fog) but he was extra intense. Although he made sure I got the proper aftercare, I'm feeling down and blue now. Even during the scene it felt wrong, I couldn't quite get into it, or rather stay in it. Which made me struggle to get away, and I was forced to submit, turning me on so much, then I felt guilty for not respecting my feelings and I felt out of it again, making me struggle and the pain more intense. This of course dropped me back into subspace and this cycle repeated itself. I know I have a safe word, and I have had to use it during a particularly painful scene but I didn't this time.. I don't know why. Since the scene finished a few hours ago, I've been quiet down.
It's probably just sub drop, but I'm also wondering if any of this is for me. I'm feeling guilty for disrespecting my body and worried that if I get into BDSM, I'll be quite alienated from my vanilla life. I know I don't have to be, but I already feel different. I don't know how to explain this, I don't know if anyone understands what I'm going through. Any advice would be appreciated.
I recently discovered I'm a masochist bottom (not submissive though) and I have a play partner who is a dom and a huge sadist. I had my first scene three days ago, but we've played at least 10 times since then.. I was on a high after the first few days, but todays scene was a bit different.
I wasn't in the best mindset going into it (hangover, anxiety, brain fog) but he was extra intense. Although he made sure I got the proper aftercare, I'm feeling down and blue now. Even during the scene it felt wrong, I couldn't quite get into it, or rather stay in it. Which made me struggle to get away, and I was forced to submit, turning me on so much, then I felt guilty for not respecting my feelings and I felt out of it again, making me struggle and the pain more intense. This of course dropped me back into subspace and this cycle repeated itself. I know I have a safe word, and I have had to use it during a particularly painful scene but I didn't this time.. I don't know why. Since the scene finished a few hours ago, I've been quiet down.
It's probably just sub drop, but I'm also wondering if any of this is for me. I'm feeling guilty for disrespecting my body and worried that if I get into BDSM, I'll be quite alienated from my vanilla life. I know I don't have to be, but I already feel different. I don't know how to explain this, I don't know if anyone understands what I'm going through. Any advice would be appreciated.