Mental Illness

[ecstaticsub]

Hang in there until that appointment, ecstaticsub. :<

Thank you

Don't think of it as "I have to get through this week" or even "I have to get through the next 3 days" or whatever. Break it up into smaller, easier to handle pieces. First, you need to get through today. When you go to bed tonight, celebrate that victory and try to get a decent night's sleep. Then, do the same again tomorrow.

If that seems too long, break it down to hours if you have to. Minutes, even. Just remember that no matter what the demon is whispering into your ear at the moment, it will not always be this way. That's what's gonna get you through it.

Thinking of you.

I got through the weekend. I will take something to help me sleep tonight and then I will be at work all day tomorrow. Being busy is a great distraction. "it will not always be this way" I'll keep repeating that. Thank you

They will be. Listen to Bunny's advice. Whatever it takes to get you through the day.

Also, I think most people wouldn't mind being "inconvenienced" at all, if they knew the stakes. No matter how busy I am, I will happily drop everything on a moment's notice for a friend in need. You might be surprised.

I know that logically, but I would hate to bother someone at work. I did end up talking to my dominant.

Thanks

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Thank you



I got through the weekend. I will take something to help me sleep tonight and then I will be at work all day tomorrow. Being busy is a great distraction. "it will not always be this way" I'll keep repeating that. Thank you



I know that logically, but I would hate to bother someone at work. I did end up talking to my dominant.

Thanks

Please make sure that you are eating well when you can and drinking water. Please remember to be gentle with you while you find your way.

 

[marieR19]

Possibly Triggering.....

.....

Friday I cut myself, with a razor, for the first time in 5+ years. I'm a cutter, though I've been able to control it to maybe once a month or so for about a year now. This.... sorta marks the "about to go off the deep end" stage for me. Razors were always my... Well, the next step would be a suicide attempt. I'm not there, but I'm scared. I'm on new meds but I always feel like that's such a load of shit when most of these medications take a month or more to really start working, and I'm this bad NOW.

My depression is at that annoying point where I'm not crying constantly like I normally do when I'm depressed, but I wish I *could* cry 'cause it'd be better then just this total emptiness and lack of any motivation. I've been surrounding myself with activities I don't normally do to try distracting myself (friends took me to the community pool with a huge water slide yesterday), and I know it's not a lost cause because I *can* have fun and play around... But the second they leave, or the second that movie ends, or the second that book is finished, I just crash back down.

 

[FurryFury]

MarieR19

*HUGS and HUGS*

 

[KoPilot]

Possibly Triggering.....

.....

Friday I cut myself, with a razor, for the first time in 5+ years. I'm a cutter, though I've been able to control it to maybe once a month or so for about a year now. This.... sorta marks the "about to go off the deep end" stage for me. Razors were always my... Well, the next step would be a suicide attempt. I'm not there, but I'm scared. I'm on new meds but I always feel like that's such a load of shit when most of these medications take a month or more to really start working, and I'm this bad NOW.

My depression is at that annoying point where I'm not crying constantly like I normally do when I'm depressed, but I wish I *could* cry 'cause it'd be better then just this total emptiness and lack of any motivation. I've been surrounding myself with activities I don't normally do to try distracting myself (friends took me to the community pool with a huge water slide yesterday), and I know it's not a lost cause because I *can* have fun and play around... But the second they leave, or the second that movie ends, or the second that book is finished, I just crash back down.

Yeah ugh I know exactly that feeling.

I was a very occasional self-harmer back in the day, but I didn't do it for many of the reasons I often see laid out, but I know that feeling. Surrounding yourself with people and other stimuli to keep yourself away from yourself. It's like trying to lay down track faster than the train travels.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

MarieR19 ~

I am sorry that you are struggling, but it is awesome that you are reaching out for support when and how you need it. You are worth the fight.

Big hug from me and warm wishes that you find your way though all of this soon.

 

[marieR19]

*hugs people back*

Last week I hit rock-bottom, but not in a suicidal way. Thursday and Friday I spent almost constantly out of it, in a fog, barely able to speak or move (I could, be very very slowly), it sounded like anyone talking to me was really really far away... Emergency appt with my doctor found that my pupils weren't dilating, and I was sent to the Emergency Room.

7 hours in the emergency room (with mom, and my stuffed animal, much of that time just spent waiting), blood drawn, given anxiety pills, etc... I was just so out of it, I felt absolutely EXHAUSTED even though I'd literally been getting 15+ hours of sleep the last few days, ended up falling asleep multiple times at the ER while waiting.

They *think* it was a bad reaction to the Prozac I started recently, so I was taken off that, and I've started feeling a lot better over the weekend. Off work this week on medical leave per doctor orders, but... I dunno. I'm hoping things will even out, but the whole *reason* I was put on the Prozac was because of that last post, I was getting really really depressed again. She said she wants me to get those meds out of my system (stopped Wellbutrin too) before deciding what to do next. I did have a fairly upbeat weekend, spent much of it with family-friends.

 

[FurryFury]

MmarieR19,

I'm so glad you are feeling better!

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

And then she said, "It is not your job to keep him alive. It is not reasonable to put that burden of that sort of responsibility on someone else."

Then I asked, "But when he has shut everyone else out and I know I am the only one he calls for help, what is the right thing to do?"

She answered, "You have to let him struggle, fall, and find his own way out."

Then I asked, "But what if he hurts, what if he dies?"

She answered firmly, " It is not your job to keep him alive. It is not reasonable or appropriate to carry responsibility for someone else's life."

 

[KoPilot]

And then she said, "It is not your job to keep him alive. It is not reasonable to put that burden of that sort of responsibility on someone else."

Then I asked, "But when he has shut everyone else out and I know I am the only one he calls for help, what is the right thing to do?"

She answered, "You have to let him struggle, fall, and find his own way out."

Then I asked, "But what if he hurts, what if he dies?"

She answered firmly, " It is not your job to keep him alive. It is not reasonable or appropriate to carry responsibility for someone else's life."

Ugh, it's hard when the person in question is elderly, ill, and you are next of kin, but damn... it's the same shit. I'm near ready to print this out and put it on the wall.

 

[FurryFury]

Curious_in_Cali

*HUGS*

This is something I struggle with daily.

My mother needs my help but won't allow it because she is so afraid to give up control. She therefore lives in a hell of her own making.

My daugther, continues to "forget" safety protocols and embrace anything strange she can get near. Somehow I'm not supposed to worry even though she involves me in her crisis on the regular.

*grr*

 

[BiBunny]

*Sigh*

I told myself I was going to stop using this place as a crutch. It makes me feel like I'm being too attention-whorish or something. But here I am, going back on my own word. I'm sorry, y'all.

I am...not in the greatest shape at the moment.

My financial situation is deteriorating faster than I can keep up with. I had to fire my biggest client for being a fucking creep, and there's just not any business trickling in to catch up. I've been having to accept money from my parents, which is goddamned humiliating. And now, my mother is pulling the "You may have to move back in with us" shit.

And I'll be honest--I can't do that. I will live under an overpass and/or blow my brains out before I will go back there.

Every time I talk to either one of them, I get a lecture about work and money. This is not helping me at all. All the debts hanging over my head, all the goddamned collections calls I'm getting, and all the eating ramen or $1 frozen dinners twice a day isn't helping, either.

I have good days and bad days, but the truth is, I don't think I'm capable of holding a "real" job. This is not some kind of lame excuse in order to shirk responsibility and be lazy, blah, blah, blah. The worst of my illness is controlled by meds, but it still impairs me significantly enough that even if I could land a "real" job (which isn't likely, given that I haven't had a "real" job in 7 years), I'd likely be fired pretty quickly.

But my business isn't picking up. It's slow everywhere, which is leading to me losing customers. Not because of anything I'm doing, but because they can't justify the costs of keeping me. They always come back when shit picks up, but if the rise and fall of business over the last several years holds true, then it won't be picking up again until late October.

And to top it all off, August is always the month where shit starts going sideways with me mentally. I'll go mixed and bounce off the walls until November, when there's enough of a lack of daylight that SAD kicks in, and I'm too depressed to give a shit anymore.

It's like, I have so many problems that I don't know where to start to fix them all. And each problem affects all the others, so there's not really a good starting place at all. So for the last month or so, I've been sitting here watching everything crumbling around me and feeling like there's nothing I can do to stop it. I only have so many fingers to stick in the holes of the dam, as it were.

Bleh, ok. I'm done. I'm not trolling for sympathy or anything. Just needed to get it off my chest....Although if anyone knows anyone who needs a writer, I work cheap.

 

[marieR19]

*Sends TONS and TONS of love to BiBunny!!*
Come on you, you know we're always here to listen, especially for you!

Stag- At that point I was on Prozac, Wellbutrin, Lithium, and Clonazapam. Now it's just the last two. In the past Lithium has done *wonders* for my anxiety, but either it's not working as well, it wasn't interacting well with the other meds, or my anxiety is just a lot worse lately.

 

[FurryFury]

BiBunny

Hugs are not sympathy right? *HUGS and HUGS*

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Ugh, it's hard when the person in question is elderly, ill, and you are next of kin, but damn... it's the same shit. I'm near ready to print this out and put it on the wall.

Curious_in_Cali

*HUGS*

This is something I struggle with daily.

My mother needs my help but won't allow it because she is so afraid to give up control. She therefore lives in a hell of her own making.

My daugther, continues to "forget" safety protocols and embrace anything strange she can get near. Somehow I'm not supposed to worry even though she involves me in her crisis on the regular.

*grr*

Thanks & big hugs back to you both! I seem to both completely and logically know its true and relentlessly argue with it. It just sucks.

And a big warm squish and hopes for things to ease for you too, Bibunny.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I'm not sure where to post this but it is so painfully beautiful that I decided I should post it here.

 

[BiBunny]

*Sends TONS and TONS of love to BiBunny!!*
Come on you, you know we're always here to listen, especially for you!

BiBunny

Hugs are not sympathy right? *HUGS and HUGS*

And a big warm squish and hopes for things to ease for you too, Bibunny.

Thank y'all.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

"I don't have to wash my hands when I touch her,"

staggering.

I've never had it quite so bad, but as former door checker, an OCD coper, a perpetually recovering handwasher, a borderline hoarder, and an increasingly demophobic parent, this was indeed painful. I don't know how differently things might have turned out for that to be me, but I can see that it could have.

Make sure to watch the second one at the bottom though. It's not related, but I laughed so hard I cried.

A pusstache!

 

[FurryFury]

My mother is raging. I can't help her or even communicate with her without things blowing up.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

My mother is raging. I can't help her or even communicate with her without things blowing up.

Hugs!

 

[ecstaticsub]

My mother is raging. I can't help her or even communicate with her without things blowing up.

I am so sorry to hear this. What do you do in these circumstances? Do you just walk away? I am having situations like this with my son and I feel like just giving up but i can't.

So, so very frustrating. I feel for you.

 

[BiBunny]

I do hope your situation improves Bi-bunny, and soon.

I don't withhold "warm feelings your way" on purpose...

Reading about your tribulations feels like watching someone grieve. I just feel so helpless, and I just know there is no right thing I can say or even thats within my power to do that solves the whole thing.

In fact I seem to have a history of saying the wrong things.

So, with other people's "hug's your way" already sent... i don't know. Its like... how much good does a fifth bouquet of flowers really do?

I remember visiting people in the hospital as a youth; I never ever took flowers. I always gave them a tablet of drawing paper and colored pencils.

I guess I wish I could give you tools.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

I actually put in an application for a civil service job on Friday. I have to take a typing test on Sept. 11. Not sure if that bodes well or not. I don't know for sure that I could handle a full-time outside-the-house job, but I will have considerably more hoops to jump through before that's a concern, anyhow. I figured a gov't job that's performed in relative isolation in a field in which I have experience is probably the best I can hope for, since the way they select candidates is based on performance on the various tests, rather than other factors.

*Sigh* On the other hand, the county gov't is required to keep a list of candidates at all times, even if there are no positions available. So I may be going through all this for a job that doesn't exist, anyhow. And also, even if there is a job, it'll take awhile to jump through all the hoops to perhaps be hired.

So in the meantime, I'm going to be applying for more writing and phone jobs, God help me. If I have to go back to the Dr. and get medicated to the gills to do so, then I suppose that's the price I pay.

/TL;DR, I'm not just sitting on my ass whining and wishing it'd all go away, I swear.

 

[FurryFury]

I have no idea. *hugs*

Mother is impossible. She needs help. Anything I do or don't do is wrong, and even evil at times, in her opinion. Anything I say or don't say is hurtful, wrong and even evil at times. I don't feel I can do anything with her right now, and yes, I still want to help her because she needs help. I don't want to be attacked all the time though, most often with made up offenses. I won't reward that behavior. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

With a child, I might find a way but mother has pushed me away for over 20 years now and she may act like a child but is not one. I have to take breaks from her for my own well being and that of my family.

She takes no responsibility for any actions. If you try to say anything to defend yourself she starts in on the "Oh. It's always my fault. You never take any responsibility." I'm the most responsible person I know, probably because my parents and other early "caregivers" never were. I was more of a caregiver to them from the get go.

I'm accused of having an agenda. If I do it is this, to help her and / or do something useful. That is somehow horrible to her way of thinking. She claims to want me to just be there and that this makes her happy. Yet, just hours later she has tried to kill herself. So I'm not buying that. It certainly doesn't make me happy to hang out with her since she attacks and insults me every single time and it's only getting worse.

Recently, I had written a very clear list of things I was willing to do for her. I also mentioned that she might not be happy with said list but at least she could count on me, not to yell at her that I wish she were dead, or call the cops to get her our of my house. Those are things she and grandmother did quite often, while mother was supposed be helping grand.

So she made up this thing about how I was once yelling at the police to arrest her. This was supposedly back when we lived next door to each other and she was constantly suicidal.

No such thing ever happened but she is holding a grudge over it. That's the kind of thing she does. I would NEVER yell at the police. That's just stupid to do.

She seems only comfortable with people who pretend friendship, are paid employees or somehow seem to fawn over her.

I think she should be grateful for someone who doesn't want her money and who just wants to be sure she is safe and has what she needs. Apparently she hates that and me. Even though she also says I'm the most important thing in her life and all that crap.

Someday her dementia, which I'm guessing she has, might be bad enough that I can take care of her and she won't really be able to fight it. At least then she won't know who I am and the attacks won't be personal.

In the meantime I just keep trying to keep accurate records and offer to help on a fairly regular basis only to be turned away again and to be treated like garbage.

I am so sorry to hear this. What do you do in these circumstances? Do you just walk away? I am having situations like this with my son and I feel like just giving up but i can't.

So, so very frustrating. I feel for you.

 

[Keroin]

Thought some of the folks dealing with depression might appreciate this:

http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre

 

[BiBunny]

Thought some of the folks dealing with depression might appreciate this:

http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre

Woot. Thank you.

The tips will be helpful, and someone finally put into words why those "Be Happy" things irritate me so badly, LOL.

That leads me to another question, though. Am I the only one who can't fucking meditate? I try. I try so hard. (I do it for spiritual purposes, rather than stress-relief, but still.) I am SO bad at it. It doesn't relax me at all. I used to try to do it before bed, but I soon figured out that it makes my insomnia worse. It causes...something in my head. Not anxiety. But something that is the opposite of calm.

I am clearly doing something wrong here. What is it?