Let's tickle the funny bones :)

[italianGod]

A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine. He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. “This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered.”

Watching from the bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says, “Can you tell me what this is?”

Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk’s glass.

“Christ, this tastes like piss!” he exclaims, spitting it out.

“Yeah,” says the drunk, “but what year?”

 

[SunnyDays1]

a guy is driving his Ferrari

Guy driving his Ferrari...

Driving well over 160 mph when a police chase ensues. The policeman chases the guy for close to an hour, weaving in and out of traffic. After a long, and to be honest, a quite exciting chase, the guy in the Ferrari finally pulls over.

The police officer, fresh off an adrenaline rush, approaches the driver's car to take his papers, looks at the driver and says: "Look buddy, you put lives in danger on this chase. But, I'll be honest, I haven't had a decent car chase in years, so I'll tell you what...if you can give me a real good reason as to why you were driving so fast, I might give you a break and let you go with no ticket."

The driver looks at the cop and says: "Well officer, 3 years ago my wife left and ran away to spend the rest of her life with a cop."

The cop: "So?"

The driver: "I thought you were trying to bring her back to me"

The cop: returns the driver's papers "Have a nice day, sir."

 

[SunnyDays1]

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wire!” Grandpa yelled while Johnny ran away.

Right before lunch, Johnny came back to the farm house with 20 chickens in the roll of chicken wire. “I told you I’d catch some chickens grandpa!”

Grandpa saw the miracle and said “well I’ll be” to himself.

The next morning, little Johnny walked by grandpa with a bunch of cattle panel. Grandpa said “What are you doing with that cattle panel boy?”

“I’m going to catch cattle!”

“You can’t catch no cattle with that cattle panel!” Grandpa replied while Johnny ran away.

Right before lunch, Johnny came back to the farm house with 10 cows in the cattle panel. “I told you I’d catch some cows grandpa!”

Grandpa saw the miracle and said “well I’ll be” to himself.

The next morning, grandpa saw Johnny walking by him. “What do you got in your hands boy?”

“Pussy willow.” Johnny said with a huge smile on his face.

“HOLD ON, ILL GRAB MY COAT!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

2 ladies playing golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?



He replied:

"It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken".

 

[italianGod]

Guy driving his Ferrari...

Driving well over 160 mph when a police chase ensues. The policeman chases the guy for close to an hour, weaving in and out of traffic. After a long, and to be honest, a quite exciting chase, the guy in the Ferrari finally pulls over.

The police officer, fresh off an adrenaline rush, approaches the driver's car to take his papers, looks at the driver and says: "Look buddy, you put lives in danger on this chase. But, I'll be honest, I haven't had a decent car chase in years, so I'll tell you what...if you can give me a real good reason as to why you were driving so fast, I might give you a break and let you go with no ticket."

The driver looks at the cop and says: "Well officer, 3 years ago my wife left and ran away to spend the rest of her life with a cop."

The cop: "So?"

The driver: "I thought you were trying to bring her back to me"

The cop: returns the driver's papers "Have a nice day, sir."

Thank you for the contribution and Welcome to this silly thread

 

[italianGod]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?



He replied:

"It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken".

ROFL

 

[italianGod]

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

 

[SunnyDays1]

Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...

God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the third Nun, "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
She says, "Hmm, that's a hard one."
He says, "Okay, you're in."

 

[SunnyDays1]

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.”

“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction. “I, too, am getting married!”

“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”

“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.

“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.

“Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well...” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her. “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”

“Really!?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest Daughter?”

“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”

“DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

Mississippi Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'​​​​​​​

 

[italianGod]

Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...

God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the third Nun, "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
She says, "Hmm, that's a hard one."
He says, "Okay, you're in."

LOL that's a good one !!

 

[italianGod]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she is embarrassed and does not want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from the operation and finds three roses carefully placed on her nightstand. Outraged, she immediately calls the doctor and says ” I told you not to tell anyone!” The doctor replies, “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell a soul!” When the woman inquires about the roses the doctor says, “Oh, those! The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me with your operation and has been through this procedure herself, so she understands what you’re going through. And the third rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears

 

[SunnyDays1]

Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up.

She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it."

He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt."

She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him.

She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!"

He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."

 

[SunnyDays1]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”


“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

 

[SunnyDays1]

Do you have a vagina?

A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina

She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave.

The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?"

The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds.

Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation.

Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this."

The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?"

After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes."

The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"

 

[Unquoted]

Five nuns are having a picnic when it starts to rain. They decide to take shelter under under a large willow tree and wait out the storm.
Lightning strikes the tree killing all five nuns. The next thing they know, they're all standing in line to enter heaven through the
pearly gates. As the first nun nears the gates she sees Saint Peter sitting next to a font of holy water.
Saint Peter says "Welcome, sisters." "If you have ever touched a man's penis you must first purify the offending body part in the holy font
and then you may enter into heaven.".
The first nun dips her right index finger in the font and then enters.
The second nun dips her left foot in the font and then enters.
The third nun dips her right hand in the font and then enters.
As the fourth nun approaches the font, the fifth nun turns to Saint Peter and asks
"Your holiness, would you mind if I rinse my mouth out before she sits down in that water?".

 

[SunnyDays1]

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a deserted area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the cop asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”

Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”

“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.

“How old are you?” the cop inquired.

“I’m 22, Officer.”

“And the girl—how old is she?”

The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

 

[SunnyDays1]

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.


The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.


As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him. He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.


He headed towards the bay next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.


The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds."


The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a politician."

 

[SunnyDays1]

Three sisters get married

Three sisters get married, each to another man.

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me - Your mother in-law, Sarah

She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me - Your mother in-law, Sarah

She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars as well with the description: "thanks for all you did for me - Your father in-law, James"

 

[italianGod]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire telling stories of their bravado. Tom, the hand from Wyoming, says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral. It gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.” Ben, from Idaho, can’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday, and a 15-foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, sucked the poison down in one gulp, and didn’t even get a bellyache.” Old Snake River Frank, the cowboy from Texas, remains silent, slowly stoking the campfire coals with his penis.

 

[SunnyDays1]

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”


She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.

 

[SunnyDays1]

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site and the skunk is watching on, looking all sad.

The kids see how upset the skunk is with their impending departure and ask their parents if they can take the skunk back home with them.

The mum says "We can't children, we'll never get it past quarantine."

The kids are devastated.

Dad says "We could hide it in your mum's underpants, they won't search her."

The mum says "But what about the smell?"

And the dad says "Well, if it dies, it dies."

 

[SunnyDays1]

Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"

"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.

"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.

"Well," says Watson. "It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away."

"No, what does it MEAN?" Sherlock asks.

"Well," says Watson, "it means we are in the Northern Hemisphere based on the visible constellations."

"But what does that MEAN?" Asks Sherlock.

"Well, astrologers would tell us we are under the sign of Leo, and the planets Jupiter and Saturn are almost in alignment."

"But WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!!!"

"My dear Holmes, I've given you three different answers. What more could you possible want to know?"

"Watson, you blithering idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[SunnyDays1]

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

 

[SunnyDays1]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases..."

"...In her 20's, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”