Fetish vs. Fantasy

[12oclocktales]

What We Talk About When We Talk About Fetishes

Question: Can you say something is a fetish for you if you’ve never done it? If it’s just something you’ve thought about doing, does that qualify as a fetish or make it just a fantasy? Or does it all have to do with the act itself? (Having sex with your 3 favorite porn stars at the same time is obviously not a fetish, unless, of course, they’re not HUMAN.)

Example:
Someone desperately wants to have sex with a kumquat. They wake up thinking about doing it, think about it just before going to sleep, and spend hours obsessing over it in between. They may even visit the supermarket several times a week, a day even, spending hours in the produce section, examining all the kumquats on display, picking each one up, smelling it, tenderly feeling it for soft spots, bruises, etc. In their mind’s eye they are in bed with this kumquat engaged in all kinds of acts, or down at the lake with that kumquat violating it rapturously, or sitting on the porch swing under a full moon with still another kumquat (maybe even several kumquats!) in their lap achieving orgasm after orgasm. BUT they’ve never actually DONE anything with a kumquat that would even remotely be considered inappropriate, not even by the produce manager who is also a Sunday School teacher and on the president’s Council for the Suppression of Sexual Acts against Fruit.

AND, to top it off, this person actually HATES kumquats! Once they tried eating one and found it so terrible they had to spit it out and spend 10 minutes using mouthwash to get the taste out. Yet even after that incident, or maybe enhanced by it, minutes later they were back to having enthralling sex with said fruit, AT LEAST IN THEIR MIND. Is this certain someone suffering from a fetish?

Often in this Forum one can find threads asking readers to describe their favorite/scariest/happiest/saddest/darkest/weirdest/fruitiest fetish, and 20 minutes later 178 people have responded with lists that go from A to Z and back again (praise be for the imagination of the human species!). But are they describing fetishes or just fantasies?

I have done extensive scientific research into this matter of fetishes vs. fantasy (see especially Fetishes for Dummies), and it’s difficult to find concrete evidence to distinguish the two. I learned that only 1% of the population suffers from fetishes badly enough to require medical help, but it seems 0% suffer from fantasies that require help. That implies a difference, no? Also that more men have fetishes than women, but that’s no surprise, men are such hopeless cases anyway. Some would take a kumquat any day over some fucked up guy, no matter how bad it tasted. (I hope to hear from lots of you ladies out there regarding just that very thing, don’t be shy, now.)

So, before I get totally sidetracked and forget what the hell I was banging on about, let me ask again: Are they fetishes or just fantasies?

And, kumquat may, I hope you have a nice day!

 

[CuttingEdge]

I think you are struggling with confusion on this because you are using the term fetishes and fantasy, but in your narrative, are talking about fetishes and kink.

A person that decides to try sex with a Kumquat just engaged in kink

A person that must have a Kumquat in close proximity, consonantly thinks about Kumquats, our routinely uses Kumquat's for sexual gratification, has a Kumquat Fetish.

A person that day dreams about having Kumquat's used on them in sexual play, is having a Kumquat fantasy.

 

[CuttingEdge]

None of the listed above are wrong and require therapy.

It is possible kink and fetishes COULD require therapy, if the person engages in a type of kink that consists of non-consensual sex with another person that hurts them emotional or physically, which of course could even be criminal. But sex with a Kumquat, no because it is an inanimate object.

Fetishes too can require therapy, but only if it reaches the point where it is destructive to routines, family members or other people. For example, it would be destructive to the mans wife if he stopped every night ogling over Kumquats at the grocery story and every day is late picking up his son from school. Or a wife feels inferior because her husband NEEDS her to wear thigh high stockings, feeling he is more in love with her stockings, rather than her. Then it is a fetish that is becoming destructive. In both cases it negatively affects people that are around the person struggling with their Kumquat or stocking fetish.

Fantasy never require therapy because they reside within the mind of a person. If they do act upon them, then it could become acted out kinkiness.

 

[12oclocktales]

Thanks CuttingEdge for your insights. The way I see it now is:

Fetish (object) --> Fantasy (mental image) --> Kink (fulfillment)

So if a kink turns out to be a totally negative thing it might do nothing to eradicate the fantasy; the fantasy might remain with the mind blocking out the bad kinky experience. Or the experience might be so distasteful that the fantasy dies. I wonder how many people never really wish to fulfill their fantasies for fear of losing them.

 

[CuttingEdge]

I think people keep fantasies just that; fantasies a lot, out of fear it will not be as good as they think.

That happened with an ex-wife of mine prior to me being with her. She had a rape fantasy, and as such found a site where strangers meet up with ladies who have this want, and had it done. She hated it. Some of it was communication between her and the man that took her, but mostly it was because she really did not want to be "raped". Because of her childhood where her mom berated her constantly, she wanted to be so loved, so desired, so wanted that even if she said "no", the man would just take her, desiring her that bad. That night, her suitor just assumed she wanted rough sex, and so what she really wanted was not given, and it was not gratifying to her at all. Just ripped clothes and sex with a stranger.

It happens a lot for people who fantasize about threesomes. Many are not really prepared for the amount of waiting that happens as people arrange and rearrange themselves. I am not saying it cannot be good, it can be incredible, but fantasies can have some realities with negative connotations not realized from the start.

But on the flip side, fantasies can be very powerful. A lady really needs a mental picture to grasp while she is in the throes of passion to have a powerful orgasm. Often times as men, who do not need that because we are much more visual, so we fail to give ladies that mental image. But oh how so powerful it can be for them when we do. Often times fantasies are tied to a sense of place, such as inside a car where a lady may have lost her virginity, or perhaps outside where she conceived a child. As a man, we can bring up these special moments without actually recreating them so that a lady can remember back to that time. I would often remind my ex-wife of "being beside that stream that warm September day when we conceived our youngest daughter", while being on my knees tasting her. THAT she could latch onto and remember in conjunction with my blissfully giving tongue. That could have very powerful effects.

That won't work for every couple of course, but taking something she likes or has experienced and making it a mental picture she can grasp while have sex can result in huge dividends for both. But that also applies to fetishes too. I like a lady who wears stockings or pantyhose, but I often get that look because I make sure they know its how THEY look in those stockings or pantyhose, and that I appreciate the struggle that it takes to put them on. It is not about the pantyhose or stockings... it is HER legs in them that I like. Now a Kumquat fetish? That is a bit harder to pull off I would imagine, but if I had that fetish, and I had a lady that engaged in it, I would be sure to reinforce a lot how special she was in being understanding in that.

Women only need three things in life: Food, Water and Compliments.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I think they fantasize about kink and fetishes. When messaging with others they use the word fetish for everything.

I would say I don’t have any fetishes just kink. Its kink to others but now it’s just our sex lives.

 

[screwher]

I think people keep fantasies just that; fantasies a lot, out of fear it will not be as good as they think.

That happened with an ex-wife of mine prior to me being with her. She had a rape fantasy, and as such found a site where strangers meet up with ladies who have this want, and had it done. She hated it. Some of it was communication between her and the man that took her, but mostly it was because she really did not want to be "raped". Because of her childhood where her mom berated her constantly, she wanted to be so loved, so desired, so wanted that even if she said "no", the man would just take her, desiring her that bad. That night, her suitor just assumed she wanted rough sex, and so what she really wanted was not given, and it was not gratifying to her at all. Just ripped clothes and sex with a stranger.

It happens a lot for people who fantasize about threesomes. Many are not really prepared for the amount of waiting that happens as people arrange and rearrange themselves. I am not saying it cannot be good, it can be incredible, but fantasies can have some realities with negative connotations not realized from the start.

But on the flip side, fantasies can be very powerful. A lady really needs a mental picture to grasp while she is in the throes of passion to have a powerful orgasm. Often times as men, who do not need that because we are much more visual, so we fail to give ladies that mental image. But oh how so powerful it can be for them when we do. Often times fantasies are tied to a sense of place, such as inside a car where a lady may have lost her virginity, or perhaps outside where she conceived a child. As a man, we can bring up these special moments without actually recreating them so that a lady can remember back to that time. I would often remind my ex-wife of "being beside that stream that warm September day when we conceived our youngest daughter", while being on my knees tasting her. THAT she could latch onto and remember in conjunction with my blissfully giving tongue. That could have very powerful effects.

That won't work for every couple of course, but taking something she likes or has experienced and making it a mental picture she can grasp while have sex can result in huge dividends for both. But that also applies to fetishes too. I like a lady who wears stockings or pantyhose, but I often get that look because I make sure they know its how THEY look in those stockings or pantyhose, and that I appreciate the struggle that it takes to put them on. It is not about the pantyhose or stockings... it is HER legs in them that I like. Now a Kumquat fetish? That is a bit harder to pull off I would imagine, but if I had that fetish, and I had a lady that engaged in it, I would be sure to reinforce a lot how special she was in being understanding in that.

Women only need three things in life: Food, Water and Compliments.

Years ago wife confessed to fantasizing about being raped by another man. It got me thinking “Hmm maybe I can help her with it.” I was thinking maybe I could enlist a guy. Tell my wife I’m stepping out for the evening. Make sure he can get into the house. Then he grabs her. Tears off her clothes. Then violates her. Simple enough right? Well there would be the police report she would want to file. And a trip to the hospital for a check up. So I’m thinking some things should just stay fantasies.

That said, I didn’t know about this site where we can recruit a man to help my wife out. But this route, my wife would be expecting him. So it really wouldn’t be rape.

 

[Goldenfinger]

A fetish is similar to a kink, but the difference is that something is a fetish when it MUST be present in order for the person to achieve sexual arousal or enjoyment. This can be an act (like having sex in public) or an object (like feet). The important thing to remember here is that a fetish is something that the person cannot get aroused without—for some people simply fantasizing about the fetish can be enough while others may need to actually engage with the object or behavior in some way.

so I’m not stuck on one thing, but when I’m aroused I’m with my wife so is my wife my fetish?

 

[12oclocktales]

Surely the fetish object can't be the ONLY thing to cause sexual arousal, though it might be expected to ALWAYS do so. I also think the fetish object is almost always something that wouldn't "normally" be thought of in a sexual way (foot, article of clothing), so your wife cannot be a fetish because someone as gorgeous and sexy as she (in your eyes) would certainly cause arousal in you, it's only natural.

 

[CuttingEdge]

I don't think that is the case either. I like a lady that wears stockings or pantyhose, but I have had some really great sex where that had NOTHING to do with how great the sex was.

The wife being a fetish does not work either, because as some of us have found out, after the marriage has ended, you look back at the situation and realize it was quite toxic, but that the situation was what we really loved. For me, it was having a wife and five kids; it was a unique time in my life, and I am glad I experienced it, but equally glad I am divorced from her now.

 

[CurtGiles46]

I think what’s in your mind can be a fetish regardless of whether it fails to arouse you in real life.

I was into the fetish of being caught in public crossdressed. When I tried it in real life even the experience of two women laughing at me wasn’t arousing. But I still like the idea that it happened.

 

[Filipinawife]

My husbands fetish is me nude in stockings

His fantasy is me nude in stockings riding his friends cock

 

[vibes]

My husbands fetish is me nude in stockings

His fantasy is me nude in stockings riding his friends cock

so fetish and fantasy combine well

 

[CuttingEdge]

I think what’s in your mind can be a fetish regardless of whether it fails to arouse you in real life.

I was into the fetish of being caught in public crossdressed. When I tried it in real life even the experience of two women laughing at me wasn’t arousing. But I still like the idea that it happened.

I am not sure that is the case...

I would say your fetish is cross-dressing, but your fantasy was to be crossdressed in public, in actually doing so, you were being kinky.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I think you are struggling with confusion on this because you are using the term fetishes and fantasy, but in your narrative, are talking about fetishes and kink.

A person that decides to try sex with a Kumquat just engaged in kink

A person that must have a Kumquat in close proximity, consonantly thinks about Kumquats, our routinely uses Kumquat's for sexual gratification, has a Kumquat Fetish.

A person that day dreams about having Kumquat's used on them in sexual play, is having a Kumquat fantasy.

I am not a scholar on the semantics of this, but I will give my opinion anyway.

As an educated person, I think this matches well with my definitions of the same.

Therefore, you must be correct.

 

[Filipinawife]

My husbands fetish is me in stockings

His fantasy is me in stockings riding his friends coco

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I think people keep fantasies just that; fantasies a lot, out of fear it will not be as good as they think.

That happened with an ex-wife of mine prior to me being with her. She had a rape fantasy, and as such found a site where strangers meet up with ladies who have this want, and had it done. She hated it. Some of it was communication between her and the man that took her, but mostly it was because she really did not want to be "raped". Because of her childhood where her mom berated her constantly, she wanted to be so loved, so desired, so wanted that even if she said "no", the man would just take her, desiring her that bad. That night, her suitor just assumed she wanted rough sex, and so what she really wanted was not given, and it was not gratifying to her at all. Just ripped clothes and sex with a stranger.

It happens a lot for people who fantasize about threesomes. Many are not really prepared for the amount of waiting that happens as people arrange and rearrange themselves. I am not saying it cannot be good, it can be incredible, but fantasies can have some realities with negative connotations not realized from the start.

But on the flip side, fantasies can be very powerful. A lady really needs a mental picture to grasp while she is in the throes of passion to have a powerful orgasm. Often times as men, who do not need that because we are much more visual, so we fail to give ladies that mental image. But oh how so powerful it can be for them when we do. Often times fantasies are tied to a sense of place, such as inside a car where a lady may have lost her virginity, or perhaps outside where she conceived a child. As a man, we can bring up these special moments without actually recreating them so that a lady can remember back to that time. I would often remind my ex-wife of "being beside that stream that warm September day when we conceived our youngest daughter", while being on my knees tasting her. THAT she could latch onto and remember in conjunction with my blissfully giving tongue. That could have very powerful effects.

That won't work for every couple of course, but taking something she likes or has experienced and making it a mental picture she can grasp while have sex can result in huge dividends for both. But that also applies to fetishes too. I like a lady who wears stockings or pantyhose, but I often get that look because I make sure they know its how THEY look in those stockings or pantyhose, and that I appreciate the struggle that it takes to put them on. It is not about the pantyhose or stockings... it is HER legs in them that I like. Now a Kumquat fetish? That is a bit harder to pull off I would imagine, but if I had that fetish, and I had a lady that engaged in it, I would be sure to reinforce a lot how special she was in being understanding in that.

Women only need three things in life: Food, Water and Compliments.

You should pre-marriage classes to men.
I got tired of begging for compliments. And found someone who was willing to give them freely.
2 years after separation, my ex informed me he thought he didn't need to compliment because I knew how he felt. And having lost me over this (and other things) he makes sure to tell his brother, sister, and our daughter how much he loves them and is proud of them.

Asshat!

 

[hot hugo]

My husbands fetish is me in stockings

His fantasy is me in stockings riding his friends coc

Mhhh… nice one. Where can I make friends with your husband?

 

[CuttingEdge]

You should pre-marriage classes to men.
I got tired of begging for compliments. And found someone who was willing to give them freely.
2 years after separation, my ex informed me he thought he didn't need to compliment because I knew how he felt. And having lost me over this (and other things) he makes sure to tell his brother, sister, and our daughter how much he loves them and is proud of them.

Asshat!

It is a real shame.

The real sad part is, I use something similar to your example at work when I am helping managers be better managers. I tell them something like, "you need to find things all employees are doing well, and complimenting them on that. Could you imagine being in a marriage where the husband marries his wife and says, "I just married you, and thus that shows love, so I am never going to say I love you ever again because you should just know that".

It makes for a very poignant point in the business world...

But sadly, for a lot of marriages, that is just what happens. People stop saying what they appreciate about their spouse because they just assume they know. We all need encouragement, and especially so for the ones we want to share our life with.

Myself, I try and give my girlfriend at least a compliment a day. It may not be a big one, it might be as simple as saying thanks for taking care of our pets, but it is something encouraging. Our world is far too quick at knocking us down. Far better to tell her "thanks for taking care of our bunny", then stay mum on everything. But all that comes with a caveat: it has to be heartfelt and something truly appreciated.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Having read The 5 Love Languages after too much damage was done, I realize that book is extremely accurate.
In a business class, we learned to identify communication styles for better interactions. And it works. Of course it works with spouses too.

I am all about affirmations. The last date my husband and I went on was NYE. Brand new sweater dress, curve hugging. Cut outs up the sleeves and at the top of the chest.
His only comment was "the moths really loved that dress"

Final blow to our reconciliation delivered.

 

[CuttingEdge]

That is too bad and I am sorry you were treated that way.

Your story was interesting in that on Sunday my girlfriend wore a gray sweater dress as well, VERY short, very form-fitting, and so short she would not go to her moms after church because her 83 year old mother would admonisher her for wearing it. But she wore it for me, and I let her know how good she looked in it. At one point it was such a turn on for me that I had a bit of pre-come on my slacks that could be seen as the wetness passed through the fabric. We were alone then, so that was good, but I wanted her to know that she had that involuntarily affect on me, and there was no faking how good I thought she looked. Yesterday she even said she was going to wear that dress again for the Good Friday Service.

But she needs to be reaffirmed. I am hardly perfect I know, but she needs to be reaffirmed, along with my daughters, as all women get really subjected to stress from an uncaring world.

Again I am sorry you did not get that on your end of things, but maybe by not doing so, he did you a favor so you can go out and find a man that appreciates you? Only you can answer that, but a person telling me that really helped me get over an ex-wife. If you want to ever vent, then feel free to PM me on this, as I do understand what you are going through and hope you can move on.

As for the Five Love Languages book, it's been a while since I read it, but not surprisingly I did read it and have a copy of it somewhere in my library. It is a very good book on relationships.

 

[Crownvic]

An anything goes 3some?

Stockings and cum fuck me pumps...

 

[van_delay]

Is collecting pubic hair a fetish ? I have been saving it for years from the various females that have crossed my path in the last 50 years. From my mother, my ex wife, auntie, MIL and many others. I keep in envelope just for my own gratification.

Does it still have any aroma

 

[OtherwisePrint6210]

Not that I have noticed ! I have them individually marked and named. Incidentally, my MIL has the longest, she never shaved or trimmed.

So, just curious, the MIL let you look and take some for your collection? I once had a few women from the home office send me an envelope of their comingled hairs out to my jobsite usingthe interoffice envelope and daily runner. That was a great day.

 

[Erosfan]

so I’m not stuck on one thing, but when I’m aroused I’m with my wife so is my wife my fetish?

"so I’m not stuck on one thing, but when I’m aroused I’m with my wife so is my wife my fetish?"

My late wife knew my kinks/fantasies and was amazing at playing to that end. When I was aroused, I was hers and she knew it. She lovingly called me her slut and I loved that. We had many amazing experiences and I have wonderful memories.