Feedback on Series: Dove Caught in a Burning Bush

[CandiedJasmine]

Hi there!

I've been working on a story that started as a fun little idea that I quickly became attached to as a mini project of sorts.

It's called Dove Caught in a Burning Bush and it has themes on dark fantasy, cosmic and quasi-religious horror.

The main pairing is incest but the category for each chapter can change due to the contents, but I've been trying my best to build up to it in a way that doesn't immediately get into the main smut but also gives enough to still be fitting for the site until then. (Next chapter should be first big sex scene though, which I'm super nervous about.)

Currently my life is not at all very pleasant and being able to write something I enjoy has been very soothing, but I also have no one I can share this with so I would love some feedback, comments or ratings on it whether positive or negative.

I do want to eventually rewrite it once I've gotten enough experience and practice, but for now it's a learning experience and I'm just doing what I can and doing it for me.

Edit: thread submitted early on accident, added link

 

[lovecraft68]

The content here isn't my thing. Taboo is very much my thing, but not with non con elements so I'm taking a pass
But I did want to post and mention that your scores are low-especially the most recent one because you're mixing incest and non con and that's a no win situation here. Incest readers abhor non con, non con readers aren't fans of incest.

I find it ironic, even with myself that the reason the two readerships respond negatively is because this is what these kinks are in real life, they're not eroticized as they are on here, they're pretty twisted things people shouldn't engage in and that's a reminder of it.

But you mentioned you're having a rough go and writing makes you feel good and that's more important so don't worry too much about how its received, the score is based on the preferences of the readers, not a judge of your writing itself

 

[CandiedJasmine]

The content here isn't my thing. Taboo is very much my thing, but not with non con elements so I'm taking a pass
But I did want to post and mention that your scores are low-especially the most recent one because you're mixing incest and non con and that's a no win situation here. Incest readers abhor non con, non con readers aren't fans of incest.

I find it ironic, even with myself that the reason the two readerships respond negatively is because this is what these kinks are in real life, they're not eroticized as they are on here, they're pretty twisted things people shouldn't engage in and that's a reminder of it.

But you mentioned you're having a rough go and writing makes you feel good and that's more important so don't worry too much about how its received, the score is based on the preferences of the readers, not a judge of your writing itself

First off, thank you so much for responding!

It's completely understandable that the content isn't for everyone, and I appreciate the words even without the read.

I will say the actual non-con part isn't between the main pairing, but I've never written before an audience like this so I didn't know that those were standards for those readers. I'll be sure to keep that in mind though, thank you!

 

[TheRedChamber]

I really like the idea of this and am interested in seeing how it develops. The 'mythology' is interesting and I like the idea of a incest/nonconsent story where the results could literally be turning into a demon. Congratulations on publishing the first few chapters of your first story.

I should point out that on these threads I alway give detailed feedback. I find that reading other people's work and analyzing it helps my own writing. Thus, a lot of these ideas are based on what I might have done if I was writing the story which wouldn't necessarily better - it's just stuff I notice. I do try to justify these changes, which can make it sound like I'm being unduly harsh. I hope I'm not.

1) Firstly Lovecraft is right. It's probably not a good idea to be hopping back and forth between the Incest, non-Erotic and non-consent categories. Multi-chapter stories are usually best choosing a catagory and sticking to it. This should probably be in SciFi/Fantasy as that will fit all chapters, with a disclaimer noting that the story features incest and non-consent.

2) The mythology of this story is quite complicated. We're dealing with angels, but angels who eat, fuck, breed and die. With this kind of story, the reader is inevitably trying to get a handle on how this world works. As an author, its difficult to balance giving enough information for readers to get their bearings, while still having an air of mystery about the setting (and definitely not giving large information dump paragraphs of how the world works). An good example of this done well is the opening chapters of Dune where the reader has no idea of what the hell this universe is yet, but is (hopefully) fascinated by a weird and dramatic opening scene (the hero being tested with illusary but possibly fatal pain by a bunch of space nuns including his mum). I struggled a bit with the story and had to read each chapter a few times before I could start to piece together some of the rules of the this universe and there are things I think you could be doing to make it easier on your readers...

3) You have very short paragraphs - even non-speech paragraphs often have only one or two lines. This can be a stylistic choice and can work well to keep the action moving along nicely. The problem, as I see it, is you never have long paragraphs. The longest one I could find was 68 words - which was describing a succubus. This is useful informaton to the reader although even this description still isn't very detailed, but there are lots of other concepts that aren't really explained at all. In comparison this paragraph, prior to this sentence is already 88 words.

4) An example of this is the first scene of chapter one. The location of the scene isn't really clarified. We're told that light is streaming in to somewhere through stained glass windows, but, giving this is an angel world, is this a church or does everywhere have stained glass? We don't know. At the start of the second scene we're told that Promethiel is sitting on a throne, but it would be helpful to have some kind of description of what his throne rooms looks like. Simiarly, the first scene doesn't really have any composition - Promthiel is close enough to his sister to reach out at touch her bangs, but she's defensive and leaning back - so what are they doing and where are they having this conversation?

5) Other areas could benefit from similar fleshing out. It seems a key concept will be that the kingdom is under attack by demons. In chapter 2 scene 1, you have Crucifiel comfort angels who have lost loved ones, but this is only one really one sentence. A paragraph story of what happened to one of these angels and maybe a bit of dialogue (see point 6) would give the reader a clearer idea of what the threat is and give context for the chapter 3 attack (chapter 3 does this to some extent, but right before the attack and in quite a dry way talking about research). Crucifel is described as a prophetess but doesn't do any prophecy in this scene which is a bit confusing.

6) As a general rule neither of the two characters is interacting much with other people. Obviously the story is based around these two characters, but Promethiel is king and a new king, surely there must be other people clamouring for his attention? He simple doesn't seem that busy. It's not clear if the two named guardsmen are going to be recurring characters or if they were just for this scene. Similary, it may be that Crucifiel is completely alone and isolated, if so fine, but that's not too clear in the story. Connected with that, the two main characters are always talking at each other archly. There's nothing wrong with a bit of villianous dialogue, but that's all there really is in the story so far (the incubus talks in a similar way as well and there aren't any other real conversations except briefly with the guards) and it ends up being a bit one-note. How does Promethiel interact with people as king (is he equally mustache-twirling or can he put on a front). Is Crucifiel aways barbed, or is she nice to people who haven't murdered her parents and so on. It's also worth noticing that, at the moment, there is nobody named who is currently fooled by Promethiels murder of his parents, and who might act if they discovered the truth. Crucifiel isn't telling at the moment, but that doesn't matter because there is no-one to tell. She hasn't had to lie about it yet, so it's not a very good secret dramatically speaking.

7) One thing that bugged me was the names of the characters. Partly, I decided, was because we didn't have a lot of information about how the world works - at the beginning the reader is trying to work out if these are specifically Christian angels, living about Earth and if so, what time period is the story taking place. The two main characters have roots in Prometheus, related to Greek myth and the Crucifixion, related to Christian theology. It seemed like a strange mix.

 

[CandiedJasmine]

I really like the idea of this and am interested in seeing how it develops. The 'mythology' is interesting and I like the idea of a incest/nonconsent story where the results could literally be turning into a demon. Congratulations on publishing the first few chapters of your first story.

I should point out that on these threads I alway give detailed feedback. I find that reading other people's work and analyzing it helps my own writing. Thus, a lot of these ideas are based on what I might have done if I was writing the story which wouldn't necessarily better - it's just stuff I notice. I do try to justify these changes, which can make it sound like I'm being unduly harsh. I hope I'm not.

1) Firstly Lovecraft is right. It's probably not a good idea to be hopping back and forth between the Incest, non-Erotic and non-consent categories. Multi-chapter stories are usually best choosing a catagory and sticking to it. This should probably be in SciFi/Fantasy as that will fit all chapters, with a disclaimer noting that the story features incest and non-consent.

2) The mythology of this story is quite complicated. We're dealing with angels, but angels who eat, fuck, breed and die. With this kind of story, the reader is inevitably trying to get a handle on how this world works. As an author, its difficult to balance giving enough information for readers to get their bearings, while still having an air of mystery about the setting (and definitely not giving large information dump paragraphs of how the world works). An good example of this done well is the opening chapters of Dune where the reader has no idea of what the hell this universe is yet, but is (hopefully) fascinated by a weird and dramatic opening scene (the hero being tested with illusary but possibly fatal pain by a bunch of space nuns including his mum). I struggled a bit with the story and had to read each chapter a few times before I could start to piece together some of the rules of the this universe and there are things I think you could be doing to make it easier on your readers...

3) You have very short paragraphs - even non-speech paragraphs often have only one or two lines. This can be a stylistic choice and can work well to keep the action moving along nicely. The problem, as I see it, is you never have long paragraphs. The longest one I could find was 68 words - which was describing a succubus. This is useful informaton to the reader although even this description still isn't very detailed, but there are lots of other concepts that aren't really explained at all. In comparison this paragraph, prior to this sentence is already 88 words.

4) An example of this is the first scene of chapter one. The location of the scene isn't really clarified. We're told that light is streaming in to somewhere through stained glass windows, but, giving this is an angel world, is this a church or does everywhere have stained glass? We don't know. At the start of the second scene we're told that Promethiel is sitting on a throne, but it would be helpful to have some kind of description of what his throne rooms looks like. Simiarly, the first scene doesn't really have any composition - Promthiel is close enough to his sister to reach out at touch her bangs, but she's defensive and leaning back - so what are they doing and where are they having this conversation?

5) Other areas could benefit from similar fleshing out. It seems a key concept will be that the kingdom is under attack by demons. In chapter 2 scene 1, you have Crucifiel comfort angels who have lost loved ones, but this is only one really one sentence. A paragraph story of what happened to one of these angels and maybe a bit of dialogue (see point 6) would give the reader a clearer idea of what the threat is and give context for the chapter 3 attack (chapter 3 does this to some extent, but right before the attack and in quite a dry way talking about research). Crucifel is described as a prophetess but doesn't do any prophecy in this scene which is a bit confusing.

6) As a general rule neither of the two characters is interacting much with other people. Obviously the story is based around these two characters, but Promethiel is king and a new king, surely there must be other people clamouring for his attention? He simple doesn't seem that busy. It's not clear if the two named guardsmen are going to be recurring characters or if they were just for this scene. Similary, it may be that Crucifiel is completely alone and isolated, if so fine, but that's not too clear in the story. Connected with that, the two main characters are always talking at each other archly. There's nothing wrong with a bit of villianous dialogue, but that's all there really is in the story so far (the incubus talks in a similar way as well and there aren't any other real conversations except briefly with the guards) and it ends up being a bit one-note. How does Promethiel interact with people as king (is he equally mustache-twirling or can he put on a front). Is Crucifiel aways barbed, or is she nice to people who haven't murdered her parents and so on. It's also worth noticing that, at the moment, there is nobody named who is currently fooled by Promethiels murder of his parents, and who might act if they discovered the truth. Crucifiel isn't telling at the moment, but that doesn't matter because there is no-one to tell. She hasn't had to lie about it yet, so it's not a very good secret dramatically speaking.

7) One thing that bugged me was the names of the characters. Partly, I decided, was because we didn't have a lot of information about how the world works - at the beginning the reader is trying to work out if these are specifically Christian angels, living about Earth and if so, what time period is the story taking place. The two main characters have roots in Prometheus, related to Greek myth and the Crucifixion, related to Christian theology. It seemed like a strange mix.

Oh wow, first of all thank you for such an in-depth response! I didn't see anything unfair or harsh at all and truly do appreciate the time and effort put in to give me some pointers.

1 - I'll keep this in mind for future chapters, I wasn't aware what the protocol here was and wanted to err on the side of caution. So this is good to know and should be more consistent from here on out.

2 - This is definitely something I struggle with, and for future chapters and when I eventually go back to rewrite old ones I'll do my best to slip more info in.

3 - Another thing I'll be more vigilant about. I can only access my phone reliably in any capacity right now, so paragraphs can seem bigger than they are.

4/5 - I shall also do my best to beef up descriptions and backstories. They are indeed lacking in many aspects right now and I hope I can do them justice in the future!

6 - Yes, this is something that I've been wanting to work on! These started as a quick story concept that I made in 2-3 days then slowly fleshed out, and I wanted to make things less faceless as I got more comfortable writing. I'll be sure to work on this.
The chapter that I'm currently editing is from Promethiel's POV and introduces quite a few characters and it's a struggle but it feels a lot fuller.

7 - The naming conventions are admittedly a bit strange, they're a bit all over the place but the majority are simply made up with a few important ones having specific inspiration. I would say the way things are set up are Christian-based, but with many liberties taken.

Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to do this and I will certainly be keeping this in a notepad for easy access as I go.

 

[HotBrand]

I've left a comment-review on the first part of your series just to focus a bit of feedback on an individual element of your series. Sometimes, that can do a bit of good, as it allows feedback in situ!

I really like the idea of this and am interested in seeing how it develops [...]

Honestly, this whole comment gave a *LOT* of terrific feedback, and I'm glad you've been really positive in taking this in. I won't add more to this comprehensive response for your call for feedback but I hope my story-specific feedback was useful to you in some way.

Finally, I sympathise with your undertaking. You're creating a whole universe within a constrained word-count. That's a challenge!

 

[CandiedJasmine]

I've left a comment-review on the first part of your series just to focus a bit of feedback on an individual element of your series. Sometimes, that can do a bit of good, as it allows feedback in situ!

Honestly, this whole comment gave a *LOT* of terrific feedback, and I'm glad you've been really positive in taking this in. I won't add more to this comprehensive response for your call for feedback but I hope my story-specific feedback was useful to you in some way.

Finally, I sympathise with your undertaking. You're creating a whole universe within a constrained word-count. That's a challenge!

I'm unable to see your comment, but I'm guessing it's a server-side issue and will wait and hope it pops up eventually.

But while I wait, thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I'm super appreciative of you guys and even took the current queued chapter out to rewrite about 65-70% of it. From there I think I'm going to rewrite previous chapters early just so I can make a stronger start.

Once again, thank you so much!

 

[HotBrand]

I'm unable to see your comment, but I'm guessing it's a server-side issue and will wait and hope it pops up eventually.

But while I wait, thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I'm super appreciative of you guys and even took the current queued chapter out to rewrite about 65-70% of it. From there I think I'm going to rewrite previous chapters early just so I can make a stronger start.

Once again, thank you so much!

It's probably just waiting approval. It'll be with you - and just reiterating how appreciated your positivity is!