Want to trade feedback on 750s?

[AlexBailey]

Home For Her Birthday (750 Words)
24/7 slave gets a day off when Mistress's husband comes home.

My worst-rated story ever! Tell me why.

I’m a bit lost on this one, even after several readings.

I’m wondering if the slave and the husband are the same person. On one hand that seems preposterous - the other, compelling.

The things that make me suspect they are the same person:

* how she pushes the slave out the door before she leaves to go meet her husband.

* when she texts her husband the slave’s phone dings.

* the way you use “it” for the slave’s pronoun every time except when you say “he” didn’t silence the ringer. (Who am I to get caught up on pronouns? )

* the whole quote below is indecipherable to me regarding what arrangement they have:

"Come...home? To...stay?" His life had been dictated by the needs of others. Family, friends, fellow veterans. Wasn't it finally his turn? "But, but, this was your dream."

"And I've done it. It was amazing. Now it's time to wake up."

"No, there's so much more---I'm fine, honey, fine."

He took her hand across the table. "It's not you. This was never meant to be permanent. How long can I take this, physically? Let's end on a high note. Christmas? Unless you'd rather keep the slave..."

It seems unlikely that they are the same person because of how quickly she met her husband after the slave left.

Anyway, a few more solid clues would have helped. Left with no certain answers, the feeling I got was unsettling.

I’m not a regular reader of BDSM and my personal experiences with it have shown me that while I like rigging and confinement, I’m not wired for the power exchange dynamic that many practitioners consider to be a mainstay of that scene. I may simply be missing parts of the kink.

I suspect the reason you’re getting down voted in the category is reflected in the second comment you received:

This isn’t BDSM, it’s not power, it’s just abuse.

It’s like you wrote a story about a black football player beating the shit out of his wife: breaking her jaw, her arm, a couple of ribs and turning her into a toilet and telling her he loves her with every punch, every kick, every concussion, every break.

Still think it’s erotic? You think if they had children, she would restrain herself or would they be collateral damage, learning to scream internally, silently,.

Still think it’s erotic?

Being uncertain about the situation, I agree with the comment regarding the abuse aspect.

If the Husband and the slave were the same person, and if you’d made it more clear, the commenter and I would have had a different level of comfort about the situation.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I’m wondering if the slave and the husband are the same person. On one hand that seems preposterous - the other, compelling.

Yes, they are meant to be the same person! They have little breaks from their dynamic for special occasions like her birthday.

If this didn't come across, then it does make the whole story much less compelling. Thanks, this makes me feel a lot better about my rating.

 

[AlexBailey]

Yes, they are meant to be the same person! They have little breaks from their dynamic for special occasions like her birthday.

If this didn't come across, then it does make the whole story much less compelling. Thanks, this makes me feel a lot better about my rating.

Alrighty then!

Yeah, it just wasn’t clear. I kept trying to go down that road but these lines just wouldn’t let me go there:

His life had been dictated by the needs of others. Family, friends, fellow veterans. Wasn't it finally his turn?

 

[AlexBailey]

A Queer Formality

You didn't ask about mechanical stuff, but I want to point out that there are a few typos that would have been caught by another pass: "cumber bun" instead of "cummerbund," "lets go" with no apostrophe, "While she focused on cleaning I removed" without the "it," an extra quotation mark before "Ready?" I think at 750 words we can still aspire to (if not always achieve) completely clean copy. But they all seem like mistakes rather than misunderstandings so that's the last I'll say there.

You asked about pacing, clarity, and connection. I'm going to focus on clarity, because the pacing seems fine and I won't claim to understand the target audience. (One of the reasons I like reading works like yours.)



I wonder if you were trying to pack too much exposition into this line? It doesn't sound quite right as a thing anyone would say, though I'm struggling to articulate why. Maybe part of this is "featured playwrights," unlike college and theatre, reads more conservative to me. It's also a little wordy. In any case, I stumbled over this line.



I also didn't understand this line. They're seeking approval? They're escaping judgment? There are any number of possibilities. It feels ambiguous in the wrong way: she's clearly disagreeing but not expressing her position well.



I'm glad you went low-key here, making Helen shocked into silence instead of pitching a fit. I would have liked a little more insight into her mind, though. Was she ashamed? Humiliated? Angry? A mention of lips pressed flat or eyes averted or cheeks reddened might have gone a long way here.

I would also have liked to hear more about the narrator's feelings. Where I am, it remains a bold move to out yourself as crossdressing in a women's bathroom, especially in the company of an unrepentant transphobe. I'm also guessing Helen is older, affluent, and white, all of which further increase the danger.

I've never been in such a situation, but I would imagine myself to be feeling...something. Nervous? Determined? Defiant? And afterward, triumphant? Relieved? Reassured? I won't pretend to know, but the narrator just seems kind of flat and that didn't strike me as realistic.

Thanks Joy,

I get what you’re saying. One of the many mistakes I tend to make is to assume everyone will understand and interpret a situation the same way I do, (especially when a kink is involved.) In this case I did it with Helen’s reaction.

Helen is based on my elderly mother. She has chilled out tremendously since her husband died a short while back, but her main things were didactic and condescending criticism, and if something got under her skin - the silent treatment. I guess the silent treatment doesn’t work so well in short form fiction.

So yeah, once again I blame my mommy issues. She held onto secrets from her life while judging all those around her, especially me. It wasn’t until my kids were nearly grown that I found out about the many skeletons in her closet. She once accused me of cheating at solitaire because I played by different rules than she used.

Funnily enough, when I once made cookies to share and deviated from her recipe she said I did it wrong and gave me a cookbook with pages tagged so I wouldn’t deprive my kids of the ‘correct recipes.’



Going “off book” has become a common metaphor in how I think about my life, especially since I do a lot of cooking but always wing it rather than follow instructions.

 

[AlexBailey]

Hey, I’m in! Mine is non-con:
Eternal, Ethereal Experience

I’ll read some of the others as soon as I’m able, I’m currently swamped in Pink Orchids.

Hi Omenainen,

What an apt title! It was surprisingly epic and powerful for only 750 words. I only have a few nitpicking critical observations and impressions to share - small things that had a slight affect on the flow for me.

…but hall after hall was simply too much. She followed the group, trying to will herself to pay attention. Still, when she noticed Kate beckoning from the doorway of the adjacent room, she followed without hesitation.

“Still” seems out of place. I had the feeling she would welcome the distraction rather than have a ‘nevertheless’ response.

Each was bathed in the warm light of spotlights carefully angled to illuminate every detail.

There is a lot of lighting in this one sentence. Maybe change it to:

Each was bathed in the warmth of spotlights carefully angled to illuminate every detail.

The wording of this part strikes me as repetitive too:

Kate snorted at the sign repeated on the pedestal of each statue, a sign with a hand and a fat black cross over it.

Also, the word “cross” had me looking for religious symbolism for a moment.


It wasn’t clear what you meant by “remembering”.

The angels had descended upon the city like wrath from heavens. Elisa shuddered, remembering the sound of a broken glass when they streamed forth from art museums, high end hotels, and congress centers.

Was she remembering the sound when when the angels descended previously? Was she reminded of the sound of breaking glass by the sound made as they descended? Was she remembering the sound they made as they streamed forth?


This could have been smoother and more clear who was speaking:

"Why you? I mean, I kissed it too," Kate said, side-eying her and rubbing her calves.

"The fuck should I know! Are you a slut?"

Elisa's voice was shrill. She had fought down panic for hours. She kept waiting to wake up in her own bed, or at least in the hotel. Kate slumped forward, her head between her knees. Elisa couldn't say if she was sobbing or just panting. It didn't make much difference.

Maybe change the paragraph arrangement:

"Why you? I mean, I kissed it too," Kate said, side-eying her and rubbing her calves.

"The fuck should I know! Are you a slut?" Elisa's voice was shrill. She had fought down panic for hours.

She kept waiting to wake up in her own bed, or at least in the hotel. Kate slumped forward, her head between her knees. Elisa couldn't say if she was sobbing or just panting. It didn't make much difference.

There was a similar issue here:

"Here she is! Take her!"

Kate's voice came from behind her, near the door. Furious, Elisa turned towards her. "You bitch!"

"Sorry!" squeaked Kate.

Could be:

"Here she is!” Kate's voice came from behind. “Take her!"

Furious, Elisa turned towards her. "You bitch!"

"Sorry!" squeaked Kate, backing toward the door.

At first pass I thought Kate was being grabbed:

Their eyes met for a split second, and then Kate sprinted down the corridor.

Cool marble fingers grabbed her upper arm, and then Elisa was flying high over the city, cradled in the arms of the statue.

Maybe:

Their eyes met for a split second, and then Kate sprinted down the corridor.

Cool marble fingers grabbed Elisa’s upper arm, and then she was flying high over the city, cradled in the arms of the statue.

I’m not going to comment on imagery - @StillStunned did a fine job there.

Great 750 Om!

 

[Omenainen]

Hi Omenainen,

What an apt title! It was surprisingly epic and powerful for only 750 words. I only have a few nitpicking critical observations and impressions to share - small things that had a slight affect on the flow for me.


“Still” seems out of place. I had the feeling she would welcome the distraction rather than have a ‘nevertheless’ response.



There is a lot of lighting in this one sentence. Maybe change it to:



The wording of this part strikes me as repetitive too:

Also, the word “cross” had me looking for religious symbolism for a moment.


It wasn’t clear what you meant by “remembering”.

Was she remembering the sound when when the angels descended previously? Was she reminded of the sound of breaking glass by the sound made as they descended? Was she remembering the sound they made as they streamed forth?


This could have been smoother and more clear who was speaking:

Maybe change the paragraph arrangement:


There was a similar issue here:

Could be:



At first pass I thought Kate was being grabbed:

Maybe:


I’m not going to comment on imagery - @StillStunned did a fine job there.

Great 750 Om!

Oo, wow! Thank you! Very useful observations.

Editing 750s is such a pain when you have to add a word for every one you remove, so I usually write them so that put on the word counter, write until I hit 750, and then leave them be. But you highlighted many places where rearranging the words I had would’ve made a better impression. I should definitely do that next year. And hey, if I squeezed out every unnecessary word, maybe I could fit even more stuff in

Thank you for your feedback!

 

[StillStunned]

This could have been smoother and more clear who was speaking:

I disagree with you on these points. There's a power in breaks, particularly with a limited word count. They convey the pauses, the moments of reflection, or the fragility of the moment.

Here, for instance:

"Why you? I mean, I kissed it too," Kate said, side-eying her and rubbing her calves.

"The fuck should I know! Are you a slut?"

Elisa's voice was shrill. She had fought down panic for hours. She kept waiting to wake up in her own bed, or at least in the hotel. Kate slumped forward, her head between her knees. Elisa couldn't say if she was sobbing or just panting. It didn't make much difference.

The break after "Are you a slut?" gives the reader a sense that Elisa speaks, pauses, hears her own voice. She thinks about her situation. Because this is separated from her line of dialogue, it stands by itself and has more impact.

And here:

"Here she is! Take her!"

Kate's voice came from behind her, near the door. Furious, Elisa turned towards her. "You bitch!"

"Sorry!" squeaked Kate.

You suggest identifying Kate as the speaker within her dialogue line. But this way, Elisa hears her words, and takes a moment to realise who's spoken.

I'm all in favour of language that flows. Anything that leads the reader's eye onwards effortlessly. But there are times when breaks and choppy sentences amplify the story. I think it worked very well here.

 

[djrip]

I’m a bit lost on this one, even after several readings.

I’m wondering if the slave and the husband are the same person. On one hand that seems preposterous - the other, compelling.

The things that make me suspect they are the same person:

* how she pushes the slave out the door before she leaves to go meet her husband.

* when she texts her husband the slave’s phone dings.

* the way you use “it” for the slave’s pronoun every time except when you say “he” didn’t silence the ringer. (Who am I to get caught up on pronouns? )

* the whole quote below is indecipherable to me regarding what arrangement they have:


It seems unlikely that they are the same person because of how quickly she met her husband after the slave left.

Anyway, a few more solid clues would have helped. Left with no certain answers, the feeling I got was unsettling.

I’m not a regular reader of BDSM and my personal experiences with it have shown me that while I like rigging and confinement, I’m not wired for the power exchange dynamic that many practitioners consider to be a mainstay of that scene. I may simply be missing parts of the kink.

I suspect the reason you’re getting down voted in the category is reflected in the second comment you received:


Being uncertain about the situation, I agree with the comment regarding the abuse aspect.

If the Husband and the slave were the same person, and if you’d made it more clear, the commenter and I would have had a different level of comfort about the situation.

Yes, they are meant to be the same person! They have little breaks from their dynamic for special occasions like her birthday.

If this didn't come across, then it does make the whole story much less compelling. Thanks, this makes me feel a lot better about my rating.

I just read this... I did get that hubby was the slave. I enjoyed the story and the hints and cell phone reveal (though I was already pretty sure what was going on from pretty much when the husband arrived).

I was kinda confused about motivation. It seemed like hubby was the one who wanted to be the slave and she was doing the slave stuff for him. "I've done it and it's been amazing!" She seems excited to have him back as himself. But she is reluctant to give it up when he suggests it. But she seems to be looking forward to Christmas. But she seems to really enjoy treating him badly, above and beyond straight forward bdsm play. Like above and beyond what it seems like someone would do if one were doing it for the other person. I guess it was just mutual? He wanted it and she wanted to do it. Sounds so simple when said that way, yet I was confused, trying to fit things into a dynamic of her doing it for him or him doing it for her and coming up against things that didn't quite fit either. I think the 16000 version would probably go into motivation and thoughts more and leave me feeling like I understood the characters better. But that's the beauty of a 750 word story sometimes, the ambiguity with just enough hints to piece together what's going on.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I was kinda confused about motivation.

Yeah, the confusion I'm seeing here is very useful feedback. This may have been too complicated a setup for 750 words. (Or maybe I just did it poorly.)

But what I was trying to convey was this: They had a mutually enjoyable femdom dynamic throughout their decades of marriage. Then in the twilight of their years, with their jobs and their parents and their kids out of the way, he really wanted to try something more extreme.

It's more than she would ideally want, but she's willing to support him in this long-held dream of his. In particular, she doesn't want him to come back for her sake; he's been giving up his own dreams his whole life in order to do what others needed of him.

But when he decides he's gotten what he wanted, she's happy to have her husband back. And now that the end is in sight, she finds she can enjoy their dynamic again.

Hmm, that explanation was 129 words. Maybe this was too much story to pack into 750 words.

 

[djrip]

Yeah, the confusion I'm seeing here is very useful feedback. This may have been too complicated a setup for 750 words. (Or maybe I just did it poorly.)

But what I was trying to convey was this: They had a mutually enjoyable femdom dynamic throughout their decades of marriage. Then in the twilight of their years, with their jobs and their parents and their kids out of the way, he really wanted to try something more extreme.

It's more than she would ideally want, but she's willing to support him in this long-held dream of his. In particular, she doesn't want him to come back for her sake; he's been giving up his own dreams his whole life in order to do what others needed of him.

But when he decides he's gotten what he wanted, she's happy to have her husband back. And now that the end is in sight, she finds she can enjoy their dynamic again.

Hmm, that explanation was 129 words. Maybe this was too much story to pack into 750 words.

That does shed light on it. I think the crucial bit I was missing was why she didn't want him to quit - because of concern he was quitting for her instead of for him. Their talk did touch on that but I didn't get the significance of the always doing things for others bit.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Yeah, the confusion I'm seeing here is very useful feedback. This may have been too complicated a setup for 750 words. (Or maybe I just did it poorly.)

But what I was trying to convey was this: They had a mutually enjoyable femdom dynamic throughout their decades of marriage. Then in the twilight of their years, with their jobs and their parents and their kids out of the way, he really wanted to try something more extreme.

It's more than she would ideally want, but she's willing to support him in this long-held dream of his. In particular, she doesn't want him to come back for her sake; he's been giving up his own dreams his whole life in order to do what others needed of him.

But when he decides he's gotten what he wanted, she's happy to have her husband back. And now that the end is in sight, she finds she can enjoy their dynamic again.

Hmm, that explanation was 129 words. Maybe this was too much story to pack into 750 words.

which of course raises the question: why destroy the story just so it is exactly 750? nuts.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

which of course raises the question: why destroy the story just so it is exactly 750? nuts.

The short version actually got published, whereas the 16k version has been languishing in my drafts folder for nearly a year now. Making it 750 words gave me a deadline and apparently I needed that.

 

[THBGato]

Under the Professor's Desk

Professor and her TA play their games while in class.

This was a fun 750 word story.

A Smile To Remember (750 Words)
@joy_of_cooking .

I like vanilla, just not every time.

Yeah, I loved this one too. I liked the fact that not everything was explained e.g. why was her pronunciation so bad? Was it to do with her smile? Maybe, but I liked that you allowed your readers space to draw their own conclusions. It was all the more engaging for it.

https://literotica.com/s/coda-10-songs

This is my 750 word story. I think it works as a stand alone, for all that it is really a spin off of another story of mine.

 

[AlexBailey]

Yes, they are meant to be the same person! They have little breaks from their dynamic for special occasions like her birthday.

If this didn't come across, then it does make the whole story much less compelling. Thanks, this makes me feel a lot better about my rating.

I think I figured out what threw me off.

The wife is speaking (without tags) at the beginning and end of the paragraph below. I got tripped up when I read ‘His life…’ where I was anticipating a speech tag. I thought he was speaking so it didn’t really make sense.

"Come...home? To...stay?" His life had been dictated by the needs of others. Family, friends, fellow veterans. Wasn't it finally his turn? "But, but, this was your dream."

This kind of thing trips up my dyslexia. It might work fine for another reader.

 

[AlexBailey]

https://literotica.com/s/coda-10-songs

This is my 750 word story. I think it works as a stand alone, for all that it is really a spin off of another story of mine.

Nice 750 @THBGato

That was a lot of concerts to fit in 750 words! Well played.

It felt a bit choppy but it worked pretty well. Just one part caught me up for a moment:

Who is SHE? Why are you embracing HER like that? HER! What the actual...

Wait. I remember. The woman I thought was you going into a hotel with a woman that looked like her, that night you didn't come home.

“The woman I thought was you…”first hit me as meaning she was mistaken but it wasn’t really her - I got back on track okay but it threw off my pace .


***

I’ve played and sang on stage in a band. I had the opposite sort of problem with one girl who would come to all of our shows. She would request a song then stare at me as I sang it - as if I was directing every word at her. I wasn’t. It cause some drama when she tried to tell my girlfriend to back off.

 

[AlexBailey]

https://literotica.com/s/your-post-game-climax-my-pleasure

Curious to hear feedback on this type of story (in EC). Thanks.

I think I liked the story.

I got the gist but it took me a few reads and your notes on this thread to fully understand who and what was going on.

It would have helped to mark the change of perspective more clearly. Maybe with ***** or something.

It could have helped if you’d changed perspectives at the same time you changed tense.

You looked me in the eyes, flashing a smile before saying "Thanks," and patting Anton's arm around my shoulders before I'm led away.

Now, your team's last game of the season. Rainy, cold, and dark. Much frustration on the field. Bad play and stupid mistakes from all of you.

The way you ran the action and dialogue together without separating the paragraphs was hard to follow too. I got the impression you were doing it stylistically but it muddied things up for me.

I understand that it was a first person recounting but a lot of it took on a 2nd person perspective vibe which, though it worked, it started to feel odd, like “you” could have been intended as the reader at times.

Your grip around my head muffles my hearing but some of your gasps and moans reach my ears.

One other odd thing is that there weren’t many (any?) gender markers during the sex scene - not something I’d complain about, just a bit confusing- even for me. I kind of liked that aspect.

My impression is that the story probably lost some clarity in the process of shrinking it to 750. You can always put in an edited version if you want to. Let me know. I’d like to check it out again if you do.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I guess the silent treatment doesn’t work so well in short form fiction.

Ohh! Helen makes much more sense with that context. I read her silence as sort of dazed but in fact it's meant to be disapproving. That makes a lot more sense now. I forget that some women were raised to be super positive all the time, to the point where withholding that validation becomes criticism.

 

[la_ruche]

One other odd thing is that there weren’t many (any?) gender markers during the sex scene - not something I’d complain about, just a bit confusing- even for me. I kind of liked that aspect.

Love that you read it this way and that was my intention. Always been attracted to non-stereotype sex identifiers and this was my attempt at describing this scene between a girl and a boy without being too obvious. Thanks!

 

[la_ruche]

It would have helped to mark the change of perspective more clearly. Maybe with ***** or something.

It could have helped if you’d changed perspectives at the same time you changed tense.

just thinking here. Would it have helped if I’d written it more like this:

Now.

You team’s last…

??

 

[joy_of_cooking]

A Smile To Remember (750 Words)
@joy_of_cooking .

I like vanilla, just not every time.

I’m going to have to check out some of your longer works. Your words are so efficiently sculpted that it’s hard to believe it’s only 750 words.

There is little I can offer other than my impressions and thoughts as they came while reading your piece.


The opening would have been smoother for me if you’d identified the language barrier more overtly in the first paragraph. I don’t think it helped the story that I reeled through extreme possibilities for explainations on why they were over enunciating. I would probably be more in tune with it if I did more international travel .



- the progressive descriptions of her smile pulled me out. First was “resting bitch face” then “tight smile,” neither of which seemed to imply a more severe “grimace”. It would be fine if she had reason to have a more severe expression except saying “got back that grimace of a smile.” implied it was the same smile. It came across that his assessment of her was becoming more negative rather than more familiar.

Once I read on, I got it and it made sense.




The hard stops got me here. “…her dress. And heels.”

My brain got triggered for a typo that wasn’t there. The hard stops could be kink inflections but I was trying to figure out how “heels” was a verb.


That’s about it - well, aside from the nagging question of what happened to her.



It was good vanilla - organic vanilla bean ice cream, not that soft serve stuff.

Nice 750, Joy!

Also, thanks for this. I won't reply point-by-point because, well, everything you say is clear and fair and I don't have any questions or refutations. Thanks!

 

[AlexBailey]

just thinking here. Would it have helped if I’d written it more like this:

Now.

You team’s last…

??

Something like that could work. You'd probably want to experiment and see how it looks in context.

 

[Djmac1031]

Ah, what the hell.

https://literotica.com/s/reunion-135

Reunion. An eternal love story in 750 words.

Romance category BTW.

I'll look for one to read in return.

 

[Djmac1031]

My worst-rated story ever! Tell me why.

A Smile To Remember (750 Words)
Lonely single parents find love on the playground.

My first romance, my first entirely vanilla story, my least explicit story.

Just finished. No idea why anyone would hate on it. And your rating isn't terrible at all. Unless it's gone up since your initial comment?

Other than a few typos we all make, I spotted no major mistakes.

What truly pleased me is you actually told a complete story. So many 750 worders miss that mark. Other than the mystery scars, we know this couples story. You dance us through it efficiently, as is needed in 750 words, yet spare enough of them to paint these little moments that sell their romance and Happily Ever After.

Great job.

 

[AlexBailey]

Ah, what the hell.

https://literotica.com/s/reunion-135

Reunion. An eternal love story in 750 words.

Romance category BTW.

I'll look for one to read in return.

I love this piece. It immediately pulls me in. Everything flows.
A great 'reunion' picture.

"...I chuckled. "So, when do we do this?"

The next line did it.

Thanks @Djmac1031

 

[joy_of_cooking]

And your rating isn't terrible at all.

Each comment applies to the story above it, so my worst-rated story ever is "Home for her Birthday". Currently below 3

Other than the mystery scars

I cut this, but here's roughly what I had for that:

"Guy thought I should smile more." She shrugged, as if that were enough. I suppose it had been.