Anyone interested in giving feedback/critique?

[scixxxfi]

Hello!
Nothing major here, just looking for some direction.

Since writing here, I'm trying to act on reader feedback and make more appealing stories, but it's pretty difficult with comments being so rare, and the voting system is pretty difficult to decipher across categories.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=7485078&page=submissions

Would anyone whose read my stuff like to write some feedback here? I'm usually writing sci-fi and fantasy, but have a few in other categories. I'm going for something like Heavy Metal Magazine, or Penthouse Comix way back when. I also frequently submit artwork, and intend on illustrating a lot of stories.

Please feel free to give any critique. My feelings won't get hurt.
Thanks!

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I like the art.

I think feedback should be used to improve the writing, not to determine its direction. You should write what you enjoy writing.

 

[Sammael Bard]

When you're asking for feedback, it's best to ask for guided criticism on any one of your story. Grammar, writng style, plot - you have to be specific about what you want.That gives people something to focus on. A submission page with several stories is somewhat intimidating.

I only looked through your artwork and it was amazing. Proportions are accurate and colours are just right. 5 for all of them.

 

[scixxxfi]

I only looked through your artwork and it was amazing. Proportions are accurate and colours are just right. 5 for all of them.

Thank you!

 

[WinsomeWeb]

I read Alien Worm Rampage 1982 and I thought it was fun. Very slapstick and ridiculous, and probably not really 'erotic horror' as much as just straight humour, but it was enjoyable. You have a very direct style of narration that translated well to that story, and I thought especially for something in the vein of 80s horror the cheesiness of it (especially the ending) was very appropriate.

I think that third person omniscient was a perfect perspective to narrate the story in. I don't know if that was an intentional choice or just instinct, but for trying to recreate the feel of a movie, it was excellent.

I also feel like you have a good talent for similes. In a way, I find your writing pulpy, which is not to say that it's bad (or that pulp is bad), but it's very stripped down and direct. It relentlessly moves forward, and I think a lot of people just looking to unwind with a good story prefer that to a style where the writer has fallen in-love with their own voice.

If there's one thing, though, I feel like there's no real tension in the story. I haven't read any of your other stories, so I'm not sure if it's simply because of the kind of inherent absurdity of this story, or a trend overall, but I didn't feel any particular attachment to the characters or the story's stakes. Things happened in a way that entertained me, but not in a way that I really cared about the outcome. It's hard for me to say what the actual cause of that is.

There are all kinds of things people talk about for encouraging readers to invest their energy in a story, like giving characters goals and motivations, giving them flaws, making them relatable--so, so many things if you want to look into it (if you haven't previously). I think, in this case, it might be that the characters simply were too one-dimensional. They were fun to laugh at (and I loved the absolutely skin-shuddering scumminess of Fligm), but when Fligm, Ron, and Briella were eaten, it didn't register for me emotionally because they were simply too cartoonish and one-note to care about. I am the worst person to ask how to do it better, of course, but that is my feeling on it.

Also, in third-person omniscient, you can use scene breaks if you want, but you don't need to. In third-person limited, following only one person's POV at a time, you would want to use scene breaks to note a change in POV, but you can treat omniscient like a movie. You just start a new paragraph, add in a little sprinkle of transitional narration, and you're there. No scene break needed. In fact, after basically every scene break you were doing this already with, "About a mile away in the woods...", "Back at the film shoot...", etc. If you just take the scene breaks out, it's still perfectly fine. You can find a way to do it more subtly (when you desire), and you can extend the transition from a single word or phrase to a sentence or whole paragraphs, the way movies sometimes simply smash cut between scenes, or use more baroque establishing shots to set up a location or time. But just saying "Meanwhile, back at the farm..." is an absolutely valid transition in a third-person omniscient story.

I enjoyed this, though. It was ridiculous and over-the-top and cheesy, but for a story about an 80s movie, I think you nailed the vibe. I think it would have been better if it had an emotional arc to it that allowed me to care about the characters, but I still had a good time.

And your art is stupid good. Reminds me of Frazetta.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I agree. Alien Worm Rampage 1982 is funny. Humorous, not erotic in the least. The final breaking-the-fourth-wall part I found unnecessary.
The author clearly knows his trade.
I'll read more of your stories.

 

[vagrantx]

I also frequently submit artwork, and intend on illustrating a lot of stories.

I love love love the way you styled Briellas pleaser shoes! With the gladiator wrappings! Are those real or your own design? Fantastic

 

[scixxxfi]

I read Alien Worm Rampage 1982 and I thought it was fun. Very slapstick and ridiculous, and probably not really 'erotic horror' as much as just straight humour, but it was enjoyable. You have a very direct style of narration that translated well to that story, and I thought especially for something in the vein of 80s horror the cheesiness of it (especially the ending) was very appropriate.

I think that third person omniscient was a perfect perspective to narrate the story in. I don't know if that was an intentional choice or just instinct, but for trying to recreate the feel of a movie, it was excellent.

I also feel like you have a good talent for similes. In a way, I find your writing pulpy, which is not to say that it's bad (or that pulp is bad), but it's very stripped down and direct. It relentlessly moves forward, and I think a lot of people just looking to unwind with a good story prefer that to a style where the writer has fallen in-love with their own voice.

If there's one thing, though, I feel like there's no real tension in the story. I haven't read any of your other stories, so I'm not sure if it's simply because of the kind of inherent absurdity of this story, or a trend overall, but I didn't feel any particular attachment to the characters or the story's stakes. Things happened in a way that entertained me, but not in a way that I really cared about the outcome. It's hard for me to say what the actual cause of that is.

There are all kinds of things people talk about for encouraging readers to invest their energy in a story, like giving characters goals and motivations, giving them flaws, making them relatable--so, so many things if you want to look into it (if you haven't previously). I think, in this case, it might be that the characters simply were too one-dimensional. They were fun to laugh at (and I loved the absolutely skin-shuddering scumminess of Fligm), but when Fligm, Ron, and Briella were eaten, it didn't register for me emotionally because they were simply too cartoonish and one-note to care about. I am the worst person to ask how to do it better, of course, but that is my feeling on it.

Also, in third-person omniscient, you can use scene breaks if you want, but you don't need to. In third-person limited, following only one person's POV at a time, you would want to use scene breaks to note a change in POV, but you can treat omniscient like a movie. You just start a new paragraph, add in a little sprinkle of transitional narration, and you're there. No scene break needed. In fact, after basically every scene break you were doing this already with, "About a mile away in the woods...", "Back at the film shoot...", etc. If you just take the scene breaks out, it's still perfectly fine. You can find a way to do it more subtly (when you desire), and you can extend the transition from a single word or phrase to a sentence or whole paragraphs, the way movies sometimes simply smash cut between scenes, or use more baroque establishing shots to set up a location or time. But just saying "Meanwhile, back at the farm..." is an absolutely valid transition in a third-person omniscient story.

I enjoyed this, though. It was ridiculous and over-the-top and cheesy, but for a story about an 80s movie, I think you nailed the vibe. I think it would have been better if it had an emotional arc to it that allowed me to care about the characters, but I still had a good time.

And your art is stupid good. Reminds me of Frazetta.

Very in depth and helpful. Thank you!

I love love love the way you styled Briellas pleaser shoes! With the gladiator wrappings! Are those real or your own design? Fantastic

I winged it. Just drew what would turn me on. Glad you liked it.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I've read Tonya's Unicorn Party. It's cute.
And Wild Night at the Caligula. Did not like it. Nothing wrong about it. Just not interesting.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

The stories I've read -- they were explicit, but not erotic. Just my opinion.