A Reluctant Teenage Sex Instructor - Feedback Please

[KyleTaylee]

I'm looking for constructive feedback for my first story.

A Reluctant Teenage Sex Instructor

Summary: A teenage virgin was asked to have anal sex with his crush. But first, he needs to be comfortable living with hot girls prancing around naked and learn to enjoy regular sex. With enough practice, he became good at it. Until he eventually became known as a sex instructor in campus.

Tag: First time, polyamory, anal sex, 18-year-old, college, group, bisexual, cream pie, threesome, exhibitionist

Link: https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=6757257&page=submissions

I’m looking to improve my writing. So any feedbacks on how I can improve are welcome.

But in particular, here are some questions:

(0) Hook - Are the title, descriptions, and premise interesting enough to capture attention?

(1) Characters - I want to create memorable and engaging characters. Are the characters boring?

(2) Dialogue - I tend to write dialogue-heavy stories. Are the dialogues boring?

(3) Details of personal lives - I generally dislike stories that have 500 words every chapter on what the author did every day. e.g. I wake up, take a shower, eat toasts, drink coffee, go to school. Yada yada. Whenever I read stories like this, I would skim through these paragraphs that don’t reveal the character or advance the plot. So in my story, I focused mainly on interaction and only include details that (a) reveal the character or (b) advances the plot. But I’m not sure if it would be useful to include what the MCs do outside of those interactions. Would it be better to have more of such life details?

(4) Pacing - Is it draggy?

(5) Sex stuff - As a smut writer, I want to make those sex scene ‘pop’ while also advances the plot. Are the sex scenes arousing? Or are they boring? I know this is a very subjective question, but I want the reader to visualize the scene like how I visualize in my head.

(6) Plot - Personally, I think the plot is fine. I have an outline for the story and it seemed to be working, for now. But any comments on that would be helpful as well.

Regarding technical writing, I know I break away from a lot of conventional sentence and paragraphing rules. I focus on readability rather than grammar. I want to make it easy to read.

Still, I’m worried that people might find them off-putting. Let me know what you think.

P.S. I know there are some grammatical errors, especially ch1 and ch2. I’ve been made aware of those.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read chapter one/two and also your long comment telling how the story related to your own life. I will read chapters three and four when I have time because I'm interested in the story. In the meantime, there's lots to talk about in the first part.

I really enjoyed this story. I don't have the same mental conditions that Ken has, so I can't say for certain it is authentic, but it certainly felt very authentic and honest. At the same time, I appreciated it was still very much an over-the-top fantasy. Ken doesn't get to have sex with a girl, he get's to have sex with ALL the girls. And why not?

In terms of the hook, to be honest, my hopes weren't high when I read the title and blurb but was won over fairly quickly as I started to read. It's a bit difficult, because I don't want to say that you should have included an indication of the character's condition in the title or blurb, but I also think it would be a pity if people with similar conditions miss the story because it isn't signposted well. Certainly, I think you could have included it in the tags.

Skipping ahead to the pacing, does it drag? Well, yes and no. It's very easy to say that things should progress faster, but that would be to diminish the nature and effect of Ken's anxiety and lose what is special about the story. There are a certain class of stories I call 'bubblebath' stories, ones that tend to lack direct confrontation and are all about making the reader feel warm and safe, as sometimes we all yearn for life to be uncomplicated. In a sense then the secondary characters are boring in that they are all about helping Ken overcome his issues and have huge patience while at the sametime being sexually uninhibited. In a lot of ways this is good because it allows the story to focus on Ken overcoming his anxiety while at the same time relaxing the reader as it's fairly clear early on that the experiences are going to be positive. You could throw more conflict and bumps in the road at Ken, but that's hardly going to feel good for someone reading the story who suffers from anxiety themselves. Despite this there's the central conflict of whether Ken can win Lisa's love and not just her (and every other girl in the vicinity's) body, which keeps it interesting.

Certain parts are repetative, but again 'a go slow' and an emphasis on there not being a need to rush is going to be positive help for those in a similar situation. While, as a non-anxiety suffering reader, I could have been frustrated by the slow progress, I usually wasn't because Ken's emotions and issues were always clearly communicated to me in a way that allowed me to empathise with him. In terms of dialogue, again, it was somewhat repetative at times, but alway reassuring. I don't thing it would have benefitted from more story elements outside of the sexual adventures - maybe you can explore this in subsequent chapters, but there was enough going on in just the house itself that more outside colour never felt necessary.

In terms of the sex, I'm not sure if it 'popped' exactly, but I think you did a good job of writing it in such a way that we felt what it was like to be someone like Ken experiencing sex for the first time, and it did also do quite a good job of making it a little (just a little) more believable that he would become the local stud. I was a bit worried in the first half of the story that you were going to 'fade to black' everytime sex occurred, but that wasn't the case by the end.

In terms of being wimpy, no I didn't really feel that about Ken. Even for those of us without anxiety, there's a lot of pressure for men who struggle with dating 'to step up' or 'to work on themselves'. This story was nice because it wasn't about overcoming the his anxiety issues to GET the girl. He had the girl easily, and he came across as deserving of her, but he had to overcome his issues just to have sex. The story avoided telling Ken that he had to become more of a man to be worth of a relationship, while still not trivializing his issues. Again, it's a fantasy and a comforting one. By including the detail about Ken saving Tony from bullies as a kid, you also indicated that, in his own way, he can step up for his friends.

In terms of structure, it was good, but the beginning was a little bit messy with a flashback inside a flashback. Similarly I though this chapter should have ended with Ken and Lisa in each other's arms. The stuff about Denise and the sorority felt like it was the set-up to the next chapter and this part was already fairly long as it was.

Overall, I really enjoyed this and, as I said before, will be going back to look at the next posted section when I have time.

 

[KyleTaylee]

@TheRedChamber

Thank you so much for taking the time to read a lengthy feedback. This was exactly what I was looking for beyond just the 'this is good' or 'this sucks.'

I want to address a couple of things you said. But before I get into that, I hope to receive your feedback on chapter 3/4. The real story essentially starts after chapter 4.

RE: Bubblebath Story - RSI is going to be the opposite of a 'bubblebath' story. In ch 3/4, I've raised the stake by introducing more drama, conflict, and tension. I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on how the story is developing after you've read them.

RE: Hook - The word 'reluctant' in the title was supposed to add a little mystery (and conflict) but also hint at Ken's condition. You're right in saying that I didn't want to push readers away by stating Ken's anxiety upfront. I'm glad you started to get intrigued as you read more.

You could through more conflict and bumps in the road at Ken, but that's hardly going to feel good for someone reading the story who suffers from anxiety themselves.

This is a good point. I've not thought about readers who suffer from anxiety themselves to feel anxious reading more conflict in Ken's drama. I'll take note of that.

In terms of structure, it was good, but the beginning was a little bit messy with a flashback inside a flashback.

You're right in saying about the flashback inside a flashback was messy. I was very worried about it being confusing. In ch 3/4 and also for the next few chapters forward, there will be more of such flashbacks. Instead of writing in a sequential Event A, Event B, Event C type of narration, I'm playing around with flashbacks. I'm doing that for a couple of reasons.

(1) I'm exploring this as a different writing technique to grow as a writer.

(2) People with mental conditions like Ken may sometimes experience events a certain way, then recall them another way after having time to think about it. I tried to allude to it in the subtext. But perhaps I didn't do it well.

(3) I'm using 1st Person POV to introduce a lot of unreliable narration from Ken's perspective. This would (hopefully) become clearer as the story develops.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and provide feedback on my story.

I hope to hear your thoughts on ch3/4 as well

 

[TheRedChamber]

I had some free time so I read the next chapter sooner than I was expecting.

RE: Bubblebath Story - RSI is going to be the opposite of a 'bubblebath' story. In ch 3/4, I've raised the stake by introducing more drama, conflict, and tension. I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on how the story is developing after you've read them.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not using bubblebath as a negative. It's just a certain feeling of reassurance that a certain kinds of stories have. While I agree that there was certainly more drama in parts 3/4, it still kind of has that feeling - for example, while Ken had an anxiety attack (and given his condition it was right to include one eventually), the results of it was to essentially strengthen his relationship with both Lisa and Denise. Although he's doing little apart from having sex, his relationships keep getting stronger and stronger. Lisa shows signs of jelousy, but these are quickly resolved and everyone talks their problems out in an honest and open manner. Although there are more elements of drama and more about darkness in Ken's past, my overall feeling about the tone of the story hasn't changed.

RE: Hook - The word 'reluctant' in the title was supposed to add a little mystery (and conflict) but also hint at Ken's condition. You're right in saying that I didn't want to push readers away by stating Ken's anxiety upfront. I'm glad you started to get intrigued as you read more.

I think the issue is that the title can be read that he's reluctant to be an instructor but not reluctant to have sex. It's not a big issue, but I didn't feel it quite matched the content of the story.

This is a good point. I've not thought about readers who suffer from anxiety themselves to feel anxious reading more conflict in Ken's drama. I'll take note of that.

Write the story you want to write. Thus far, you've handled it well though.

I don't know if you're familiar with the music of Steve Reich. It's minimilist music that has very long pieces where the rhymic music seems highly repetative but changes slightly each bar. You might not notice if you're not paying attention, but skip ahead a couple of minutes and you'll find that it has changed a lot. That's kind of how this story feels. There are a lot of conversations and a lot of sex scenes that feel similiar, swapping between Lisa and Denise. The story is progressing, but mostly not though hugh dramatic moments, but small shifts in how comfortable Ken is with sex and how he approaches it. It is, relative to what's actually happening, quite long and static, but that's part of the nature of the piece. Conversation becomes sex and then becomes conversation again, all within the same location. Nevertheless, things have progessed and once again, I'm looking forward to the next section.

I didn't have any problems with the flashbacks in parts 3/4.

One thing I did think of was that Lisa's idea that Ken could be her secondary partner, but only if he had a primary partner was the kind of logic that seemed atypical of her, but possibly more typical of Ken's character. This could just be due to the way she's manipulating him into certain things, or it could possibly be the author's way of looking at things leaking into a character whom I didn't feel it quite fit. There was a bit of a dance to 'you need to date a new character' that felt a bit more plot driven than character driven. Not a big issue though.

 

[KyleTaylee]

@TheRedChamber

Thank you once again for your feedback. It has been very valuable to me. I hope I didn't come across as defensive and negative when trying to justify my decisions for certain things in the story. I really value your feedback, more than I could convey with words at the moment.

Write the story you want to write. Thus far, you've handled it well though.

When I started to write RSI, I never expect to receive comments on how much people could relate to Ken. While I did want to write about Ken to show readers more about people with mental conditions, I guessed it warms my heart a little when readers tell me how relatable Ken was (or maybe it was just an ego stroke).

The story is progressing, but mostly not though hugh dramatic moments, but small shifts in how comfortable Ken is with sex and how he approaches it. It is, relative to what's actually happen, quite long and static, but that's part of the nature of the piece.

This part is very true. I sort of did that, in part, because the narration was how I imagine Ken thinks things through in his head. The reason why I asked whether I should include more details about their life was also because I also felt it was static.

I'm trying to experiment with a writing style where each chapter has a minor drama that concludes quickly. At the same time, there's an ongoing bigger but slower tension building up, which would lead eventually lead to the climax of Book 1. I got this idea from watching dramas or sitcom like How I Met Your Mother. Each chapter (like a TV episode) has enough drama and sex to keep people entertained (and in the case of smut, keep people aroused). But when I zoom out and look at the plot as a whole, there are things developing. I guess time will tell whether I can actually pull this off.

One thing I did think of was that Lisa's idea that Ken could be her secondary partner, but only if he had a primary partner was the kind of logic that seemed atypical of her, but possibly more typical of Ken's character. This could just be due to the way she's manipulating him into certain things, or it could possibly be the author's way of looking at things leaking into a character whom I didn't feel it quite fit.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said about this not fitting Lisa's character. This part is definitely going to be a major "cornerstone" for the rest of the story. I do have a reason for why Lisa acted this way. You're right in saying this is more of a plot-driven decision. Without spoiling too much, this panic attack and the decisions made going forward is going to be the main thrust for character development for the three of them.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and give your valuable feedback. I hope you continue to enjoy the story