Feedback Requested: First Stories

[remypare]

Hi all,

Longtime lurker, recent author. I recently decided to reignite my interest in erotic writing by writing out some fantasies that have been bouncing around in my mind. I'm two stories deep so far, with a third pending. Before I get too far into the weeds I'd like to get some feedback.

The first story tells the beginning phases of the fantasy. The second story continues the thread, and the third story (pending) will bring round one to it's logical conclusion.

I'm interested in feedback: what did you like and dislike about the story? What parts of my writing need improvement? What parts are working well? I'm open to any constructive criticism and feedback from my fellow Litsters.

Thanks, and happy reading!

 

[Rob_Royale]

I'll give it a look tomorrow. Gnight folks.

 

[AlinaX]

I will say that stories much shorter than a Lit page (3750-ish words) often do poorly with readers. If you have three chapters that together only add up to a page, then it would be far better to collect them as one story or chapter.

 

[BBlaketbv]

For a new writer I think you did quite alright actually.

The story is rather short. Part 1 takes place in just a few minutes, maybe hours. Personally I like stories a bit longer, 4k words and up, something like that. However I can also see why you split the story in two.

Something you can develop more is the dialogue. Communication communication communication. The wife in the story feels a bit robotic. Let the characters talk more and she will come to life.

 

[AG31]

Definitely has possibilities. There's an air of authenticity about it. I think I would have picked that up even without reading your post here.

There are diddley-squat things that give the writing an amateurish quality, e.g., repeating a word ("hair") very close together. See if you can find a reader to look for stuff like that.

 

[remypare]

Great feedback so far. Thank you, all!

 

[remypare]

For a new writer I think you did quite alright actually.

The story is rather short. Part 1 takes place in just a few minutes, maybe hours. Personally I like stories a bit longer, 4k words and up, something like that. However I can also see why you split the story in two.

Something you can develop more is the dialogue. Communication communication communication. The wife in the story feels a bit robotic. Let the characters talk more and she will come to life.

This is solid feedback. Do you have any specific advice to make her feel less robotic and more human? I'll definitely work on improving the dialogue, I think that's probably the hardest part overall of writing for me.

 

[Rob_Royale]

I'll start by saying that your writing is quite good. You express the characters well. But the story feels rushed like you're in a hurry to get to the sexy bits. But that's not a bad thing if that's the story you want to tell. We call shorter. less detailed stories, 'stroke stories' and there's definitely a place for them in erotica.

Also, there was no need to break this up into small chapters. To create a time break between paragraphs we use a dinkus. Simply put, it's *** placed between paragraphs, usually centered on the page. I wouldn't submit anything less than 4k words at a time, myself, unless the entire story was going to begin and end within that 4k words. Also, it's worth noting that readership falls off as the number of chapters grows. Simply because people don't want to necessarily go back and read 1-3 when part four posts, if they haven't already.

I think you're a good writer and you'll do well here.

 

[remypare]

I'll start by saying that your writing is quite good. You express the characters well. But the story feels rushed like you're in a hurry to get to the sexy bits. But that's not a bad thing if that's the story you want to tell. We call shorter. less detailed stories, 'stroke stories' and there's definitely a place for them in erotica.

Also, there was no need to break this up into small chapters. To create a time break between paragraphs we use a dinkus. Simply put, it's *** placed between paragraphs, usually centered on the page. I wouldn't submit anything less than 4k words at a time, myself, unless the entire story was going to begin and end within that 4k words. Also, it's worth noting that readership falls off as the number of chapters grows. Simply because people don't want to necessarily go back and read 1-3 when part four posts, if they haven't already.

I think you're a good writer and you'll do well here.

Thank you!