Want to trade feedback on 750s?

[AlexBailey]

Post links to one or some of your 750 word challenge stories. (It could be helpful to mention the category.)


Give and receive feedback from anyone who’d like to participate. I hope enough writers will be interested in the give and take so we can cover any kink or sexuality.

750s are different than longer writing. Working in scenery and subtleties eats up a lot of room, establishing a pace and rhythm has to happen immediately. It felt like I was writing a hook for a larger piece.

Ask for specific or broad types of feedback and provide it for other writers at their request as you feel inspired.



Feel free to air your thoughts and background about your own work.

If you feel inspired to be critical please be constructive and respectful - if you ask for feedback please be open minded and have thick skin.


*****


I had a blast with the 750 word challenge. Writing entire stories in so few words felt like I was in a class.

It cleared my writer’s block and got my creative juices flowing, made me focus on word choice and efficiency like never before. Like in a formal class setting, it also got me reading works and checking out styles of authors I had never read before.

 

[AlexBailey]

I submitted three 750 word stories, all in CD/TG.

I’d like to hear how I could have paced things better, how I could have made action or emotions more clear, basically how could I have connected better with my target audience.

I’m already looking back at missed opportunities and things I wish I’d thought of.



TSA vs. Queer PDA
What to do while waiting for a flight?
https://literotica.com/s/tsa-vs-queer-pda


One Last Drag
CD gets a fresh start after breakup
https://literotica.com/s/one-last-drag


A Queer Formality
A clash of culture at the playhouse.
https://literotica.com/s/a-queer-formality

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Sure! How should we provide the feedback? Comments in this thread or start a new thread or PM...?

Done Passing As Vanilla (750 Words)
A domme goes shopping at the meat market.

This one was confusing because it got a normal number of views and votes, and is one of my few 750s with a red H, but it got zero comments. No idea why.

Home For Her Birthday (750 Words)
24/7 slave gets a day off when Mistress's husband comes home.

My worst-rated story ever! Tell me why.

A Smile To Remember (750 Words)
Lonely single parents find love on the playground.

My first romance, my first entirely vanilla story, my least explicit story.

 

[AlexBailey]

Sure! How should we provide the feedback? Comments in this thread or start a new thread or PM...?

Good questions.

It’s up to you. I’m interested in an open exchange so others can contribute to the conversation. If you’d rather hear back privately or would rather go to PMs just say so.

Please pay attention to any author requests.

 

[AlexBailey]

A Smile To Remember (750 Words)
Lonely single parents find love on the playground.

My first romance, my first entirely vanilla story, my least explicit story.

I loved that - read it this morning. ️️️️️


I’m off to work right now. I’ll be back with a detailed response later this evening

 

[joy_of_cooking]

A Queer Formality

You didn't ask about mechanical stuff, but I want to point out that there are a few typos that would have been caught by another pass: "cumber bun" instead of "cummerbund," "lets go" with no apostrophe, "While she focused on cleaning I removed" without the "it," an extra quotation mark before "Ready?" I think at 750 words we can still aspire to (if not always achieve) completely clean copy. But they all seem like mistakes rather than misunderstandings so that's the last I'll say there.

You asked about pacing, clarity, and connection. I'm going to focus on clarity, because the pacing seems fine and I won't claim to understand the target audience. (One of the reasons I like reading works like yours.)

"I should have suspected such a thing at a series of featured playwrights from the college

I wonder if you were trying to pack too much exposition into this line? It doesn't sound quite right as a thing anyone would say, though I'm struggling to articulate why. Maybe part of this is "featured playwrights," unlike college and theatre, reads more conservative to me. It's also a little wordy. In any case, I stumbled over this line.

"I don't believe they're seeking judgment, in fact I suspect it's quite the opposite."

I also didn't understand this line. They're seeking approval? They're escaping judgment? There are any number of possibilities. It feels ambiguous in the wrong way: she's clearly disagreeing but not expressing her position well.

Helen froze. She turned and stared agog...She moved methodically in a daze...watched without a word...even buttoned me up when I turned around for her.

I'm glad you went low-key here, making Helen shocked into silence instead of pitching a fit. I would have liked a little more insight into her mind, though. Was she ashamed? Humiliated? Angry? A mention of lips pressed flat or eyes averted or cheeks reddened might have gone a long way here.

I would also have liked to hear more about the narrator's feelings. Where I am, it remains a bold move to out yourself as crossdressing in a women's bathroom, especially in the company of an unrepentant transphobe. I'm also guessing Helen is older, affluent, and white, all of which further increase the danger.

I've never been in such a situation, but I would imagine myself to be feeling...something. Nervous? Determined? Defiant? And afterward, triumphant? Relieved? Reassured? I won't pretend to know, but the narrator just seems kind of flat and that didn't strike me as realistic.

 

[AchtungNight]

https://classic.literotica.com/s/invite-accepted

This was my entry. The only 750 word story I’ll probably ever complete, since I’m a wordy writer who likes giving his characters elaborate backgrounds. A chef at a swinger’s resort has a very lucky day.

 

[la_ruche]

https://literotica.com/s/your-post-game-climax-my-pleasure

Curious to hear feedback on this type of story (in EC). Thanks.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

One Last Drag

I'm told that people writing true stories often feel a need for fidelity and completeness. They're not willing to cut and alter their memories to suit the purpose at hand. Was that what happened here?

Fidelity: I wanted to know more about the two girls' motivations. Why did Michelle dump him? Why did Elsa pick him up? Neither is really clear. Maybe you don't know yourself (in real life) but that doesn't mean you can't make up something meaningful for storytelling's sake.

Maybe they could contrast, just to be that much cuter. Michelle was happy to fool around with the crossdressing chess club geek, but she wants to settle down with a more conventionally masculine and high-status partner. Whereas Elsa knows she has no future with anyone here, so she feels more freedom to buck convention and have some fun before she leaves. I don't know. But I wanted something.

Completeness: There's a lot of detail here that could have been cut in order to make room for something like the above. I'll venture a rewrite of your first few paragraphs.

Friday before finals a few of us seniors cut school for one last get-together at 'the spot.'

In my classic Mustang, Michelle put "Free Bird" on the stereo and asked me to listen carefully. I was stunned. She was breaking up with me. She got out and arranged to ride back with someone else.

Elsa Svensson approached as the others drove away. Stylish and beautiful, she had rejected the school's most popular guys. Rumor had it she was a lesbian. And I knew for a fact she was flying back to Stockholm after finals. What did she want with me?

She leaned against my fender.

That's 107 words instead of 169, and I think the only real content I cut was the cigarette, which you seemed conflicted about anyway. Call it 111 words if "Ella Svensson lit a cigarette and approached."

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Your Post-Game Climax. My Pleasure.

I wonder if I just didn't understand this story.

The narrator ("you") is...a man? The "partner" of "Anton," so in a committed relationship with another man?

The footballer is "Milla," a woman to whom the narrator tries to introduce himself halfway through the season. So they don't know each other, although I guess Anton has told her about him.

And then at the end of the season Milla drags the narrator into the locker room and grinds herself to orgasm on his face, knowing, I guess, that the narrator would be into that and that Anton wouldn't mind? Maybe again because Anton has been talking about him with her?

I felt like I had to piece this together afterward, and not in a good "wow I never saw that twist coming!" way.

I'm a pretty stodgy, even prudish kind of person. Sex is a big deal for me. Maybe you are not that way, and that's why you didn't feel the need to delve into the motivations here.

 

[la_ruche]

I'm a pretty stodgy, even prudish kind of person. Sex is a big deal for me. Maybe you are not that way, and that's why you didn't feel the need to delve into the motivations here.

Thanks for the feedback.
You are correct, there are two parts of the story. Narrator is a man, currently living with Anton, meeting Milla and is stunned. In second part they have a brief post-game sexual encounter, and who knows what it leads to… not much more in these 750 words but i do have many other drafts waiting to be finished…

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Thanks for the feedback.

Thanks for taking it well! I always feel awkward critiquing other people's work, because, well, who am I to say such things? Glad I got at least the broad strokes correct.

 

[la_ruche]

I’m here to learn so all feedback is appreciated.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Invite Accepted by @AchtungNight

My name is Yoshihiro Aoi. I am a lover of beautiful things.

There's a simplicity here that verges on lyricism. "My name is X. I am a Y." Set X = a correct Japanese name and Y = "lover of beautiful things" and I am hooked.

I am a chef and soldier by trade, thirty-six years old, Japanese by birth, sexual orientation hetero. I have loved pleasing beautiful women all my adult life. Most who see me call me a handsome man, noble in face and form.

I would have loved if you could have phrased all of these in the form "X PREPOSITION Y" to continuing the cadence of the first paragraph. Maybe, "I am a chef and soldier by trade, thirty-six years of age, Japanese by birth, noble (so I am told) in face and form." That's not great but maybe it communicates what I'm after.

My most frequent lover is Eri Sayama. We both work at Inside Out Lounge. She is an event planner I met in Soutenbori in 1999. She moved to London to maintain our casual sexual relationship. I hope to meet her when I get off shift today, have some bedroom fun.

This is where some of the shine started to wear off.

First, I didn't know where Soutenbori was, so I Googled it and Google corrected me to Sotenbori, which is a fictitious place from the Yakuza video game series. It's a little odd to make characters hail from places in video games when not writing fanfiction for that game. Why not use one of the many well-known cities that actually exist in Japan?

Second, Sayama moved from Japan to London in order to continue having casual sex with him? This challenged my suspension of disbelief. My understanding is that this is a really hard move---UKVI's not super welcoming and London's really expensive and Japan's weirdly bad at producing functional English speakers which it sounds like both of them somehow are. So immediately I'm wondering, is this an alternate universe? Is Aoi an unreliable narrator? As far as I can tell, no. This is just played totally straight.

I am making food in the kitchen. Several dishes at once- as head chef of Inside Out, I am quite skilled at my craft and my staff is helping out. Several hours in the shift remain.

Again, this challenged my suspension of disbelief, because in our universe cooking several orders at once is standard practice even for entry-level cooks, especially in what sounds like a bar rather than super high-end fine dining.

There are a few ways to think about this. A psychologist might talk about idiosyncrasy credit, a programmer about a novelty budget, a philosopher about parsimony. Maybe a writer would talk about verisimilitude or Chekhov's gun?

All of these say, roughly, don't ask your reader to believe things you don't need them to believe. This is useful principle in stories of any length, but it's crucial in 750 word stories.

Your description promises me "An MFF threesome in 750 words" but it takes 252 to get the threesome together? And it's not like this was some elaborate meet cute. You could have had him checking his phone as he got off work. But instead I have to read 37 words of him calling off work? Literally five percent of your story is about the logistics of dipping mid-service. For crying out loud, you spent three words naming your sous chef, who has no lines and never appears again!

I’m a wordy writer who likes giving his characters elaborate backgrounds

Yep, that you are!

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Hmm, I'm re-reading these four posts I just wrote and noticing that I ripped three people new ones. Not in a mean-spirited or unjustifiable way, I hope, but still, it's a lot of fairly negative feedback. It's the kind I like to receive and the kind I sometimes forget not everyone welcomes. Maybe I'll let people request that sort of review (or any review from me) rather than inflicting myself willy-nilly on everyone in this thread.

 

[AchtungNight]

Invite Accepted by @AchtungNight



There's a simplicity here that verges on lyricism. "My name is X. I am a Y." Set X = a correct Japanese name and Y = "lover of beautiful things" and I am hooked.



I would have loved if you could have phrased all of these in the form "X PREPOSITION Y" to continuing the cadence of the first paragraph. Maybe, "I am a chef and soldier by trade, thirty-six years of age, Japanese by birth, noble (so I am told) in face and form." That's not great but maybe it communicates what I'm after.



This is where some of the shine started to wear off.

First, I didn't know where Soutenbori was, so I Googled it and Google corrected me to Sotenbori, which is a fictitious place from the Yakuza video game series. It's a little odd to make characters hail from places in video games when not writing fanfiction for that game. Why not use one of the many well-known cities that actually exist in Japan?

Second, Sayama moved from Japan to London in order to continue having casual sex with him? This challenged my suspension of disbelief. My understanding is that this is a really hard move---UKVI's not super welcoming and London's really expensive and Japan's weirdly bad at producing functional English speakers which it sounds like both of them somehow are. So immediately I'm wondering, is this an alternate universe? Is Aoi an unreliable narrator? As far as I can tell, no. This is just played totally straight.



Again, this challenged my suspension of disbelief, because in our universe cooking several orders at once is standard practice even for entry-level cooks, especially in what sounds like a bar rather than super high-end fine dining.

There are a few ways to think about this. A psychologist might talk about idiosyncrasy credit, a programmer about a novelty budget, a philosopher about parsimony. Maybe a writer would talk about verisimilitude or Chekhov's gun?

All of these say, roughly, don't ask your reader to believe things you don't need them to believe. This is useful principle in stories of any length, but it's crucial in 750 word stories.

Your description promises me "An MFF threesome in 750 words" but it takes 252 to get the threesome together? And it's not like this was some elaborate meet cute. You could have had him checking his phone as he got off work. But instead I have to read 37 words of him calling off work? Literally five percent of your story is about the logistics of dipping mid-service. For crying out loud, you spent three words naming your sous chef, who has no lines and never appears again!



Yep, that you are!

Yes, my stories take place in an alternate universe. Sotenbouri (based on the real life Osaka entertainment district Dotenbouri) is a real place there. And Yoshi is a talented multilinguist who has grown up as the child of an international businessman and done time in the military. He spent much of his youth in the multilingual mecca of Taipei, Taiwan. If you read other stories of mine that featured him as a supporting character (Debrief and Snakes in Taipei on Lit, also Inside Out), you'd know this. I did not know fixing mutual dishes at once in a bar (Inside Out is a super high end bar with reasonable prices, but natch) was the norm for chefs. Now that I think about this, it makes sense.

Eri didn't move out of Japan just to continue her relationship with Yoshi. She also found higher business interests in working with Inside Out once it got established (this took a few years) and Yoshi's boss offered her a job with his recommendation. But I didn't need to include those details. I played things straight. Surprised you called me out on it.

Yes, I padded the story a bit with things like the sous chef's name and the logistics (which was done for comedy, by the way). I was actually surprised I had to do that.

And that try as I might, I cannot write such a short story again.

Thanks for the feedback. -AN.

 

[Omenainen]

Hey, I’m in! Mine is non-con:
Eternal, Ethereal Experience

I’ll read some of the others as soon as I’m able, I’m currently swamped in Pink Orchids.

 

[AlexBailey]

A Smile To Remember (750 Words)
Lonely single parents find love on the playground.

My first romance, my first entirely vanilla story, my least explicit story.

A Smile To Remember (750 Words)
@joy_of_cooking .

I like vanilla, just not every time.

I’m going to have to check out some of your longer works. Your words are so efficiently sculpted that it’s hard to believe it’s only 750 words.

There is little I can offer other than my impressions and thoughts as they came while reading your piece.

They offered slow, over-enunciated greetings, and then they watched me.

The opening would have been smoother for me if you’d identified the language barrier more overtly in the first paragraph. I don’t think it helped the story that I reeled through extreme possibilities for explainations on why they were over enunciating. I would probably be more in tune with it if I did more international travel .

I didn't notice that I was the only one smiling and laughing. Eventually, she suggested, "Well, maybe I'll see you tomorrow?" Her tight smile made it clear I had overstayed my welcome. Mortified, I beat a hasty retreat.

The next day, Mei-mei waved to her and got back that grimace of a smile. It looked physically painful.

- the progressive descriptions of her smile pulled me out. First was “resting bitch face” then “tight smile,” neither of which seemed to imply a more severe “grimace”. It would be fine if she had reason to have a more severe expression except saying “got back that grimace of a smile.” implied it was the same smile. It came across that his assessment of her was becoming more negative rather than more familiar.

Once I read on, I got it and it made sense.

If I had any doubts as to the nature of this assignation, they were set to rest when I saw her dress. And heels. And stockings.

The hard stops got me here. “…her dress. And heels.”

My brain got triggered for a typo that wasn’t there. The hard stops could be kink inflections but I was trying to figure out how “heels” was a verb.


That’s about it - well, aside from the nagging question of what happened to her.



It was good vanilla - organic vanilla bean ice cream, not that soft serve stuff.

Nice 750, Joy!

 

[AlexBailey]

One Last Drag

I'm told that people writing true stories often feel a need for fidelity and completeness. They're not willing to cut and alter their memories to suit the purpose at hand. Was that what happened here?

Fidelity: I wanted to know more about the two girls' motivations. Why did Michelle dump him? Why did Elsa pick him up? Neither is really clear. Maybe you don't know yourself (in real life) but that doesn't mean you can't make up something meaningful for storytelling's sake.

Maybe they could contrast, just to be that much cuter. Michelle was happy to fool around with the crossdressing chess club geek, but she wants to settle down with a more conventionally masculine and high-status partner. Whereas Elsa knows she has no future with anyone here, so she feels more freedom to buck convention and have some fun before she leaves. I don't know. But I wanted something.

Completeness: There's a lot of detail here that could have been cut in order to make room for something like the above. I'll venture a rewrite of your first few paragraphs.



That's 107 words instead of 169, and I think the only real content I cut was the cigarette, which you seemed conflicted about anyway. Call it 111 words if "Ella Svensson lit a cigarette and approached."

. Picking through what was pertinent to keep the story at 750 was tough. Your pruning could have freed up a lot of room.

It’s funny, I’ve got all of the answers to your questions about the character backgrounds

This story is true except that “Michelle” ‘freebirded’ me a couple of weeks before I met “Elsa”. And I got to spend the whole summer with her before she had to fly back home.

Thanks Joy! Responses like the ones you gave are precisely what I was hoping for in this thread.

 

[AlexBailey]

https://classic.literotica.com/s/invite-accepted

This was my entry. The only 750 word story I’ll probably ever complete, since I’m a wordy writer who likes giving his characters elaborate backgrounds. A chef at a swinger’s resort has a very lucky day.

I got curious about your wordiness so I read ‘Invite Accepted’ then checked out one of your longer works. I’m glad I did. I can see why you’re not into minimalism.

I get the art of your style and though it’s not what I’m most drawn to, I appreciate your detailed profiles and scenarios. The 750 limit doesn’t let you get rolling.

 

[StillStunned]

I’m currently swamped in Pink Orchids.

*Please* tell me that was intended to sound as dirty as it does.

 

[Omenainen]

*Please* tell me that was intended to sound as dirty as it does.

Here I was, all excited that someone already had something to say about my story

Dirty? Me? Oh no. Whatever gave you that impression?

 

[StillStunned]

Here I was, all excited that someone already had something to say about my story

Sorry! To make up, how about some feedback on your story? I haven't written any 750-worders, or at least not published any, so people will have to forgive me for intruding here.

Eternal, Ethereal Experience

First up, I hope the rating on the story page has changed. 3.89 seems disproportionately low for such an imaginative piece, even allowing for the short format and the lack of explicit sex.

I think you used the available wordcount very effectively. The opening lines set the stage, and I think many of us can relate to those endless school trips to museums, and the desire for any kind of distraction to provide some excitement.

The relationship between the girls was also immediately apparent: Kate is the brash one, Elisa more cautious but willing to go along. It only took a few lines to make show that.

One of the commenters said that they're not a big fan of Kate, presumably for betraying Elisa. Only moments earlier, though, Elisa calls Kate a slut - heat of the moment stuff, perhaps, but I think it points toward some underlying feelings of resentment. I might be wrong, of course, but I can understand how it would be the final straw that makes Kate snap.

I liked the way you created juxtapositions: the quiet museum, the shattered city; then later the chaos of the city below and the black sky above. On a smaller level, I particularly loved this image:

The moment stretched out, prolonging out of shape and then snapping back into reality.

I've often struggled to describe moments like that, and I found this one very effective.

A compliment also on the symbolism. Paintings versus statues is very subtle foreshadowing of what will happen. The sword across the angel's knees reminded me of the euphemism in chivalric romances of knight with a wound in his "thigh" to mean that he's unmanned; here, the angel's sword denotes just the opposite. I don't know whether you did this deliberately or subconsciously, but it adds depth to the reader's experience.

I've seen a lot of authors here on Lit talk about expanding their 750-worders into longer tales, but personally I think this one is perfect the way it is. Thanks for sharing it!

 

[Omenainen]

Sorry! To make up, how about some feedback on your story? I haven't written any 750-worders, or at least not published any, so people will have to forgive me for intruding here.

I don’t think anyone objects to extra feedback givers.

Eternal, Ethereal Experience

First up, I hope the rating on the story page has changed. 3.89 seems disproportionately low for such an imaginative piece, even allowing for the short format and the lack of explicit sex.

Well, it has, it’s 3.63 now
My last year’s did worse, in NonHuman. Not my categories, these.

I think you used the available wordcount very effectively. The opening lines set the stage, and I think many of us can relate to those endless school trips to museums, and the desire for any kind of distraction to provide some excitement.

The relationship between the girls was also immediately apparent: Kate is the brash one, Elisa more cautious but willing to go along. It only took a few lines to make show that.

One of the commenters said that they're not a big fan of Kate, presumably for betraying Elisa. Only moments earlier, though, Elisa calls Kate a slut - heat of the moment stuff, perhaps, but I think it points toward some underlying feelings of resentment. I might be wrong, of course, but I can understand how it would be the final straw that makes Kate snap.

I liked the way you created juxtapositions: the quiet museum, the shattered city; then later the chaos of the city below and the black sky above. On a smaller level, I particularly loved this image:

I've often struggled to describe moments like that, and I found this one very effective.

A compliment also on the symbolism. Paintings versus statues is very subtle foreshadowing of what will happen. The sword across the angel's knees reminded me of the euphemism in chivalric romances of knight with a wound in his "thigh" to mean that he's unmanned; here, the angel's sword denotes just the opposite. I don't know whether you did this deliberately or subconsciously, but it adds depth to the reader's experience.

I've seen a lot of authors here on Lit talk about expanding their 750-worders into longer tales, but personally I think this one is perfect the way it is. Thanks for sharing it!

Thank you for the feedback! I really appreciate it.

 

[AchtungNight]

I got curious about your wordiness so I read ‘Invite Accepted’ then checked out one of your longer works. I’m glad I did. I can see why you’re not into minimalism.

I get the art of your style and though it’s not what I’m most drawn to, I appreciate your detailed profiles and scenarios. The 750 limit doesn’t let you get rolling.

Glad you enjoyed my work. I wonder which story you read.

Yeah, that’s my problem with 750 word stories. I write something great and even when it’s short I don’t want to cut a single sentence. I wrote a quick Erotic Couplings piece yesterday where a man comes home and makes love with his wife after a boring day at work (had a few of those this week), based it on my favorite video game love scene, seemed shirt and hot enough. Then I put it in the word counter, almost 900 words. Augh! But it’s still a good story, so I submit.

Whereas the first draft of IA was only 550 words or so. I’m not sure how I did it. Oh well, challenge event is over anyway and nobody required that I submit more than one piece.