Cuckold Appreciation

[Damanhere]

I will add one thought here. Once you get into this lifestyle, I don't think either partner should be able to pull the plug. Once you get going, it would be so difficult to give it up. Not sure how you would resolve that. Maybe talk it out and reach some sort of compromise.

But the only problem I see with that is if someone's feelings about it change or if somebody gets a little out of hand with it then there's no way of stopping it then you're back to the rules problem so why even go into it unless you go into it with no rules and a set deadline

 

[Islander55]

But the only problem I see with that is if someone's feelings about it change or if somebody gets a little out of hand with it then there's no way of stopping it then you're back to the rules problem so why even go into it unless you go into it with no rules and a set deadline

I agree with the no rules. I am just saying that before you get into it, make sure you are really OK with it. I would find it much easier to not do it rather than stop after I got started. We do not have any rules other than common courtesy.

 

[Damanhere]

I agree with the no rules. I am just saying that before you get into it, make sure you are really OK with it. I would find it much easier to not do it rather than stop after I got started. We do not have any rules other than common courtesy.

I agree it's whatever works for you every relationship is different so they would have to figure it out for themselves

 

[JR284]

This is one of the most honest, and level-headed conversations about the topic that I've ever come across.

...Rules and limitations can sap the experience of its spontaneity and joy. And believe me if a woman finds that she spends more time worrying about do's and don'ts there is a risk that she will resent them and her husband's efforts to control the experience. If a husband can't handle her being with another man it is best to just accept that as it is - a few more rules won't change it...

I feel like I'm late to this thread with so much already being discussed, but this specific thought, really hit close to home. It's something that I didn't understand when my wife and I first got started. There was a very specific way that this fantasy had been formulated in my head for years, and I was essentially trying to impose how I thought things should work onto her. Much to her credit, she did attempt to adhere to those ideals, but it became very clear, very quickly, that it simply wasn't going to work for the exact reasons that policywank has mentioned here.

My wife has always been a bit of a free spirit. She enjoys spontaneity and just living in the moment. Having every single moment planned out is a perfect way to ensure that she's not going to enjoy something. That doesn't just go for sex. That goes for a night out, a trip, even something as simple as going to a theme park. Yes, we are going to Disneyland, but how we spend the day once we are there needs to just happen naturally. Because I was setting so many expectations, it was making it impossible for her to actually enjoy her experiences, to the point that she started to hide some of it. In the end, she put it to me bluntly. I either had to trust her enough to allow her to enjoy herself in whatever manner she wanted, or we simply wouldn't be able to do this at all. It wasn't a threat to me, it was just her being honest that she wouldn't be able to enjoy the lifestyle in the very specific manner that I had laid out. It was really up to me how we proceeded, and looking back I am so glad that I was able to let go of all of those expectations that I had back then, and just allow things to happen naturally. To this day, we don't have any set rules. There's a mutual understanding and trust in each other. I completely understand why it seems like so many couples want to set ground rules, and ultimately everyone approaches things the way it works best for them, but in our case, rules were just leading to nothing but disappointment and resentment.

 

[Islander55]

We rather stumbled into the concept and did not set any rules. We did talk about it quite a bit before we got started until I felt comfortable that he would really be OK with this. The one thing I stressed to him was that if it was good for me, I was not going to hide it and he needed to be sure that he would be OK seeing or knowing that I had just had a great orgasm. I was not sure this would happen but I was hoping. And yes it has happened a number of times.

 

[policywank]

I will add one thought here. Once you get into this lifestyle, I don't think either partner should be able to pull the plug. Once you get going, it would be so difficult to give it up. Not sure how you would resolve that. Maybe talk it out and reach some sort of compromise.

I think this is correct. If either partner is able to "pull the plug" on a whim then you have a problem similar to what you have with rules. That partner effectively controls the dynamics by using that constant threat in the same way they could use rules to micro manage.

Communication can still happen and course corrections can still be made without bestowing unilateral influence on one partner. That is why it is so important for that to be a give and take. Once we decided to pursue the hot wife lifestyle it was very clear that my husband had no right to decide which men I had sex with or what we did. He isn't even really permitted to have direct input on any given man because that opens up the prospect that he might assume approval rights. In that broad sense he is expected to take responsibility for dealing with his own insecurities and anxieties. But that doesn't mean he is never allowed to voice a concern or express his feelings. That communication is encouraged and it is incumbent upon me to be respectful of it. There may be legitimate issues that he sees more clearly than I do. The question is how best to embrace his input, which is very circumstantial.

 

[policywank]

This is one of the most honest, and level-headed conversations about the topic that I've ever come across.


I feel like I'm late to this thread with so much already being discussed, but this specific thought, really hit close to home. It's something that I didn't understand when my wife and I first got started. There was a very specific way that this fantasy had been formulated in my head for years, and I was essentially trying to impose how I thought things should work onto her. Much to her credit, she did attempt to adhere to those ideals, but it became very clear, very quickly, that it simply wasn't going to work for the exact reasons that policywank has mentioned here.

My wife has always been a bit of a free spirit. She enjoys spontaneity and just living in the moment. Having every single moment planned out is a perfect way to ensure that she's not going to enjoy something. That doesn't just go for sex. That goes for a night out, a trip, even something as simple as going to a theme park. Yes, we are going to Disneyland, but how we spend the day once we are there needs to just happen naturally. Because I was setting so many expectations, it was making it impossible for her to actually enjoy her experiences, to the point that she started to hide some of it. In the end, she put it to me bluntly. I either had to trust her enough to allow her to enjoy herself in whatever manner she wanted, or we simply wouldn't be able to do this at all. It wasn't a threat to me, it was just her being honest that she wouldn't be able to enjoy the lifestyle in the very specific manner that I had laid out. It was really up to me how we proceeded, and looking back I am so glad that I was able to let go of all of those expectations that I had back then, and just allow things to happen naturally. To this day, we don't have any set rules. There's a mutual understanding and trust in each other. I completely understand why it seems like so many couples want to set ground rules, and ultimately everyone approaches things the way it works best for them, but in our case, rules were just leading to nothing but disappointment and resentment.

The other aspect of rules which I think we often don't think about is that they can become a substitute for reflective thought. I am like your wife in the sense that I want the spontaneity and rules would kill that. But I also accept that there is a high onus on me to ensure that I am not doing anything to harm my husband or my relationship with him, having regard to the open nature of our arrangement. In other words, just because there isn't a rule against XYZ doesn't mean it is ok. My reference points need to be deeper and more contemplative than a rule book.

 

[Damanhere]

The other aspect of rules which I think we often don't think about is that they can become a substitute for reflective thought. I am like your wife in the sense that I want the spontaneity and rules would kill that. But I also accept that there is a high onus on me to ensure that I am not doing anything to harm my husband or my relationship with him, having regard to the open nature of our arrangement. In other words, just because there isn't a rule against XYZ doesn't mean it is ok. My reference points need to be deeper and more contemplative than a rule book.

It's not only your reference points it should be yourself respect your respect for your husband and you respect for what you and your husband have together

 

[policywank]

We rather stumbled into the concept and did not set any rules. We did talk about it quite a bit before we got started until I felt comfortable that he would really be OK with this. The one thing I stressed to him was that if it was good for me, I was not going to hide it and he needed to be sure that he would be OK seeing or knowing that I had just had a great orgasm. I was not sure this would happen but I was hoping. And yes it has happened a number of times.

I think that this is super important. Any cuckold - even one who is very open and enthusiastic about the lifestyle - is likely to see or hear of things that make him uncomfortable or his ego struggles to accept. He needs to know that going in and take responsibility for dealing with it. I don't go out of my way to tell him every little thing that I did with another man, but I am adamant that I never be compelled to hide it or mislead him.

 

[policywank]

It's not only your reference points it should be yourself respect your respect for your husband and you respect for what you and your husband have together

I think that is what I am saying. Things like respect for myself and for my husband and our relationship are among the many important reference points. A set of rules can never contemplate all possibilities.

 

[Damanhere]

I think that is what I am saying. Things like respect for myself and for my husband and our relationship are among the many important reference points. A set of rules can never contemplate all possibilities.

I agree only your personal values those of your husband and those values that you share with your husband can be any control over what you do say or feel

 

[Damanhere]

I agree only your personal values those of your husband and those values that you share with your husband can be any control over what you do say or feel

I agree wholeheartedly. So you're saying I should pick you up Friday at 6:00....lol

 

[docoral]

I think that is what I am saying. Things like respect for myself and for my husband and our relationship are among the many important reference points. A set of rules can never contemplate all possibilities.

So, is cuckholding and sharing the same in your mind?

 

[Damanhere]

So, is cuckholding and sharing the same in your mind?

Not at all. Cucking is your wife having relations with other men without your knowledge or permission where sharing is with your knowledge and agreement.

 

[Islander55]

I think this is correct. If either partner is able to "pull the plug" on a whim then you have a problem similar to what you have with rules. That partner effectively controls the dynamics by using that constant threat in the same way they could use rules to micro manage.

Communication can still happen and course corrections can still be made without bestowing unilateral influence on one partner. That is why it is so important for that to be a give and take. Once we decided to pursue the hot wife lifestyle it was very clear that my husband had no right to decide which men I had sex with or what we did. He isn't even really permitted to have direct input on any given man because that opens up the prospect that he might assume approval rights. In that broad sense he is expected to take responsibility for dealing with his own insecurities and anxieties. But that doesn't mean he is never allowed to voice a concern or express his feelings. That communication is encouraged and it is incumbent upon me to be respectful of it. There may be legitimate issues that he sees more clearly than I do. The question is how best to embrace his input, which is very circumstantial.

I almost think it is like using common courtesy with your partner that you would use in daily life. If I am going out, I will tell him where and when and when I expect to be back. If it happens to be a date then he knows that I will decide what I will do and that I may not really know until that moment.

 

[Islander55]

So, is cuckholding and sharing the same in your mind?

I do not think they are the same at all. Sharing is with the knowledge and approval of both parties and I would expect it may often be a 3some or perhaps the husband just likes to watch but would be present. When I think of cuckolding, I think of a wife cheating and making a fool of her husband or if humiliation is involved, then it is almost a variation of S&M. I like to think of it in terms of a couple agreeing to expand their sexual boundaries.

 

[policywank]

Not at all. Cucking is your wife having relations with other men without your knowledge or permission where sharing is with your knowledge and agreement.

I do not think they are the same at all. Sharing is with the knowledge and approval of both parties and I would expect it may often be a 3some or perhaps the husband just likes to watch but would be present. When I think of cuckolding, I think of a wife cheating and making a fool of her husband or if humiliation is involved, then it is almost a variation of S&M. I like to think of it in terms of a couple agreeing to expand their sexual boundaries.

I understand and respect the differing opinions, but I don't think that we are talking about truly established definitions. There are really two broad references to the word "cuckold" that I can think of.

The first is historical. In a male dominate, monogamy dominated society it was assumed that a woman having sex with another man was in violation of her marital vows. It was assumed therefore that the husband felt humiliated and that society regarded him with derision. But those are assumptions as opposed to part of the definition. What if the wife and her lover did everything possible to be discrete, nobody ever found out except the husband and he really didn't feel humiliated (see Anna Karenina) was he not still a cuckold?

The second reference is really from the modern usage for which understanding is still evolving. Some still view the husband of a non-monogamous woman with derision, others have adopted an extreme fetish version as defined by porn and others are somewhere in between. The more some people insist it involves humiliation, the more others shun the word.

There is no modern consensus and the historical usage implies humiliation because a narrow-minded society could not imagine it to be otherwise. In that sense it is a little like the word "slut". To those who wish to judge it implies immoral, soiled women having indiscriminate sex. But it really just means a woman who isn't constrained by society's ideas of what her sexual appetites are permitted to be.

 

[policywank]

I almost think it is like using common courtesy with your partner that you would use in daily life. If I am going out, I will tell him where and when and when I expect to be back. If it happens to be a date then he knows that I will decide what I will do and that I may not really know until that moment.

Exactly. And that is a great parallel for how I would expect my husband to communicate with me. If things seem off or make him uncomfortable in other aspects of daily life he has mature ways of communicating that to me and I listen to him. But if he threw a bunch of rules at me or threatened to pull the plug on something if I didn't abide by his dictums that would not go well at all.

 

[Islander55]

I understand and respect the differing opinions, but I don't think that we are talking about truly established definitions. There are really two broad references to the word "cuckold" that I can think of.

The first is historical. In a male dominate, monogamy dominated society it was assumed that a woman having sex with another man was in violation of her marital vows. It was assumed therefore that the husband felt humiliated and that society regarded him with derision. But those are assumptions as opposed to part of the definition. What if the wife and her lover did everything possible to be discrete, nobody ever found out except the husband and he really didn't feel humiliated (see Anna Karenina) was he not still a cuckold?

The second reference is really from the modern usage for which understanding is still evolving. Some still view the husband of a non-monogamous woman with derision, others have adopted an extreme fetish version as defined by porn and others are somewhere in between. The more some people insist it involves humiliation, the more others shun the word.

There is no modern consensus and the historical usage implies humiliation because a narrow-minded society could not imagine it to be otherwise. In that sense it is a little like the word "slut". To those who wish to judge it implies immoral, soiled women having indiscriminate sex. But it really just means a woman who isn't constrained by society's ideas of what her sexual appetites are permitted to be.

I suppose the older cuckold meaning can still apply today and I expect the modern definition is still changing and will continue to change. It does seem that women having sex outside of marriage is becoming more acceptable or at least more common as an approved activity. Cheating has been around for a long time and probably more common than we think.

 

[LeeKee]

I do not think they are the same at all. Sharing is with the knowledge and approval of both parties and I would expect it may often be a 3some or perhaps the husband just likes to watch but would be present. When I think of cuckolding, I think of a wife cheating and making a fool of her husband or if humiliation is involved, then it is almost a variation of S&M. I like to think of it in terms of a couple agreeing to expand their sexual boundaries.

So, is there ever a time the idea/image/role of your husband is lessened? Or not seen as “quite the man” anymore? Only asking, if there is any emotional divestment that occurred with the physical divestment. After 20 years in see my wife hates the fact I’m not 100% the asskicker I was 20 years ago. She seems disappointed and divesting in “us” and investing in impressing another (work, co-worker, another lover?)

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

I suppose the older cuckold meaning can still apply today and I expect the modern definition is still changing and will continue to change. It does seem that women having sex outside of marriage is becoming more acceptable or at least more common as an approved activity. Cheating has been around for a long time and probably more common than we think.

I think you’ve hit the core of what is happening with the definition.

There is the historical/traditional and the modern. I’ll take it a step further and say this is really a literary term. When was the last time you heard anyone use “cuckold” in conversation? Unless they were referring to the kink, or modern term. It’s a dated term that when used is almost always used in literature.

It may even be going though a cultural change much like “gay” did. In time, when the term cuckold is heard, the first thoughts will be the kink, and a willing participant with any baggage or no baggage attached, and not a poor sap whose wife has embraced and taken control of her sexual desire.

 

[Islander55]

So, is there ever a time the idea/image/role of your husband is lessened? Or not seen as “quite the man” anymore? Only asking, if there is any emotional divestment that occurred with the physical divestment. After 20 years in see my wife hates the fact I’m not 100% the asskicker I was 20 years ago. She seems disappointed and divesting in “us” and investing in impressing another (work, co-worker, another lover?)

We have both aged and we have to deal with those realities. His sexual role has diminished because of health issues but had not when we got into this lifestyle. Our basic relationship has not changed in the past 30 years. For me, I do enjoy variety and I enjoy being naughty. Naughty is not the right word. Perhaps I enjoy flouting social norms. I was quite content with our sex life over the years but I have always had that little itch and that has nothing to do with him. That is just me. I suspect that while dealing with your aging issues, you are projecting things on your wife that may not be true. Or maybe like me, she just has that little itch.

 

[Islander55]

I think you’ve hit the core of what is happening with the definition.

There is the historical/traditional and the modern. I’ll take it a step further and say this is really a literary term. When was the last time you heard anyone use “cuckold” in conversation? Unless they were referring to the kink, or modern term. It’s a dated term that when used is almost always used in literature.

It may even be going though a cultural change much like “gay” did. In time, when the term cuckold is heard, the first thoughts will be the kink, and a willing participant with any baggage or no baggage attached, and not a poor sap whose wife has embraced and taken control of her sexual desire.

You are right. I only see the term here on Lit or other sex related sites. When I was in my 20's and working as a teacher, I knew a number of women that were having affairs. No one talked about cuckolding. They either had marital problems or just needed to scratch an itch.

 

[LeeKee]

We have both aged and we have to deal with those realities. His sexual role has diminished because of health issues but had not when we got into this lifestyle. Our basic relationship has not changed in the past 30 years. For me, I do enjoy variety and I enjoy being naughty. Naughty is not the right word. Perhaps I enjoy flouting social norms. I was quite content with our sex life over the years but I have always had that little itch and that has nothing to do with him. That is just me. I suspect that while dealing with your aging issues, you are projecting things on your wife that may not be true. Or maybe like me, she just has that little itch.

Wow. Thanks for the insight. It not like I’ve ever been this old before, her too! But in appreciate your honesty and openness. I should maybe approach with a broader view and try and inderstand

 

[TallOne]

My wife has always been a bit of a free spirit. She enjoys spontaneity and just living in the moment. Having every single moment planned out is a perfect way to ensure that she's not going to enjoy something. That doesn't just go for sex. That goes for a night out, a trip, even something as simple as going to a theme park. Yes, we are going to Disneyland, but how we spend the day once we are there needs to just happen naturally. Because I was setting so many expectations, it was making it impossible for her to actually enjoy her experiences, to the point that she started to hide some of it. In the end, she put it to me bluntly. I either had to trust her enough to allow her to enjoy herself in whatever manner she wanted, or we simply wouldn't be able to do this at all. It wasn't a threat to me, it was just her being honest that she wouldn't be able to enjoy the lifestyle in the very specific manner that I had laid out. It was really up to me how we proceeded, and looking back I am so glad that I was able to let go of all of those expectations that I had back then, and just allow things to happen naturally. To this day, we don't have any set rules. There's a mutual understanding and trust in each other. I completely understand why it seems like so many couples want to set ground rules, and ultimately everyone approaches things the way it works best for them, but in our case, rules were just leading to nothing but disappointment and resentment.

Sounds just like my wife. Having any sort of appointment triggers her anxiety. If we try to make a date with a bull a week out she stresses out about it and will likely cancel. Spontaneity is what she needs. Last time she just mentioned for me to help clean up and stage things as she had a bull coming over in 30 minutes that she had been chatting with. Works for me