Cuckold Appreciation

[eaee]

Policy Wank, you are a WISE woman. The last paragraph is well said.
Now, how is it that we, the societal "we", train females to be dependent for their sexual satisfaction?

 

[lc69hunter]

I agree with the assessment that @policywank is a wise woman. We have had numerous discussion over the years over our philosophies on this issue, and though a bit different due to our past experiences, I feel she is the premier advisor/expert on this topic.

I am currently writing a story about five couples opening up their relationships to another man. The results differ between the couples, but all end on a good note. With @policywank

 

[Gr82meetu2]

Well said

 

[policywank]

Policy Wank, you are a WISE woman. The last paragraph is well said.
Now, how is it that we, the societal "we", train females to be dependent for their sexual satisfaction?

Thank you for the kind words. That is a big question. I am not sure that I am qualified to answer it but I have a few thoughts.

Historically power and authority in society rests primarily with men. And men have claimed responsibility for the female orgasm. When a man boasts of giving a woman an orgasm he is in effect claiming that he or his action deserve the credit. He probably isn't thinking about it being his fault when she doesn't orgasm. But the premise of belittling or blaming the man who's partner doesn't orgasm is as much a part of the zeitgeist as the opposite.

Women sometimes are all too happy to go along with that narrative, but it is a narrative created by men.

Meanwhile, I am not sure that we have truly supported women's exploration of their sexuality. It is more open than it was a few decades ago, but we have largely replaced male centric rules around our sexuality with female centric views of what our sexuality ought to be. We are encouraged to pursue a greater understanding of ourselves but still within certain parameters.

And we do so within an environment where we want to pick and choose where and when we are equal while holding the victim card in reserve. It remains the case that a man who cheats because he is unsatisfied in his marriage faces a more consistently negative perception. Yes people can be harshly critical of a cheating wife, but virtually none are understanding of a cheating husband. The whole "you go girl, you deserve it" mentality is fairly tolerated for women and not at all for men. There is a stereotype (inaccurate IMO) of men being supportive of other men who cheat. But society thinks of those guys as assholes while accepting the women who do likewise. So, we have sort of given ourselves a free pass to not have to dig deeper into our own reality.....just try another dude and that is your prerogative, but not when the genders are reversed.

 

[Justfantasies]

I have often said that when I hear men complaining about their wife's lack of interest in sex I tend to wonder, is she not interested in sex or just not interested in the sex that is available to her? Not that it is necessarily his fault either (although chances are he is at least part of that equation). But women are much more likely to experience "meh" sex that doesn't seem worth it. Even if sex is sub-optimal for guys the orgasm is still usually worth it.

In that circumstance the fling can be very tempting and may be just what she needs to rekindle her interest. I see the betrayal, but I also see that it isn't a black and white matter, so I am not willing to condemn her either.

However, I do wish women were encouraged as much as men are to take responsibility for their own sexual fulfillment and how their sexual attitudes have affected the intimate relationship they have with their husband. I can certainly see the scenario where he hasn't been an open and constructive partner or who has said hurtful things. But I can also see the scenario where his actions are at least partially a by-product of frustration with lack of engagement or sexual maturity on her part.

if you have been married for decades, it is almost impossible that you will be turned on as much by your spouse. If the other spouse is not naturally jealous, what harm can be done by having a bit of a giggle with someone else.

 

[Wishingbox]

I have often said that when I hear men complaining about their wife's lack of interest in sex I tend to wonder, is she not interested in sex or just not interested in the sex that is available to her? Not that it is necessarily his fault either (although chances are he is at least part of that equation). But women are much more likely to experience "meh" sex that doesn't seem worth it. Even if sex is sub-optimal for guys the orgasm is still usually worth it.

Again spot on. I share this sentiment. It’s difficult to really identify how much is whose responsibility, especially since it varies from couple to couple.

I happened to listen to a great podcast episode from Pillow Talk on “Are you a lazy lover”.

It raised a lot of relevant points on communication and expectations about pleasure and how it can play into the dynamic.

I kept thinking to myself this is exactly what we were discussing on Lit.

Perhaps in some ways both men and woman can have unrealistic expectations expectations that see the other as an AI sex toys.

Especially with me, “they’re more sexual and thinking about sex all the time so they’ll know what to do when with me”. A generalization for sure but I think this perspective can lead to a breakdown in communication. Mix in the pressure we put on ourselves not to criticize our partner when they’re doing stuff you kind of like but would rather do X.

In that circumstance the fling can be very tempting and may be just what she needs to rekindle her interest. I see the betrayal, but I also see that it isn't a black and white matter, so I am not willing to condemn her either.

and I can’t blame them either. I see the betrayal but I also acknowledge the betrayal of not showing up in the relationship too. People don’t realize they can abandon their partner without actually leaving.

I also think with flings, affairs, swapping etc the communication around sex is likely starts as a higher priority. Where as in many relationships people don’t often start out being so forward around sexual wants and needs because we’re trying to factor in so many things we value beyond just sex.

So if we’re divulging out struggles and dissatisfaction in privet we tend to open up more because it can be far less risky and you’re focusing on the areas of dissatisfaction. “Here is what’s missing” doesn’t come across as a criticisms of this new person.

Overall bringing this back to cuckoldry, I think it’s one of those spaces like affairs and swinging which can allow someone to really think about their own sexual desires in a more non-codependent space.

 

[Wishingbox]

if you have been married for decades, it is almost impossible that you will be turned on as much by your spouse. If the other spouse is not naturally jealous, what harm can be done by having a bit of a giggle with someone else.

I agree sexual desire likely wanes in some areas (and can grow too) over time. I like Esther Parrel’s books she mentions the allure of the third can actually bring a lot of excitement to individuals. Especially as we integrate in marriages and can lose ourselves and curiosity towards our spouse. When you can consistently finish each other’s sentences you know you’ve integrated lol.

I think the risk can come from confusing new relationship energy (NRE) with “what’s missing”. It can be tempting to then believe oh I was just with the wrong person. But you probably felt similar to your first person in many similar ways but they grew over familiar (which is literally family > familiar)

Our spouses can stop feeling “other” to us. I’m not so naive to say there isn’t a risk in cuckoldry, swinging or polyamory etc. However, can be risks to not exploring those too if that’s the direction couples seem to be heading.

 

[Justfantasies]

The risk is that you might lose your spouse to a new person. That happened to me. But what's life without risk?

 

[Wishingbox]

The risk is that you might lose your spouse to a new person. That happened to me. But what's life without risk?

Ooof sorry to hear that. was that exploration consensual or a secret? (Also no pressure to answer(

I’m curious if you felt like that was an inevitable trajectory for your relationship or would you still be together and content now if it hadn’t happened?

 

[Justfantasies]

Ooof sorry to hear that. was that exploration consensual or a secret? (Also no pressure to answer(

I’m curious if you felt like that was an inevitable trajectory for your relationship or would you still be together and content now if it hadn’t happened?

This was 30 years ago. The exploration was consensual. I am not sure if we would still be together

 

[policywank]

In this thread many people have made interesting points about the reasons why an individual or couple might explore sexual experiences outside of the marriage and the challenges they may face. Clearly engaging in this kind of exploration requires, among other things a high degree of openness, understanding, trust and communication.

But I have always felt as though there is something extra special about the husband who embraces his wife's desire to engage in this exploration even though he has made a decision not to do so. That is why I see him as someone that a wife should truly and deeply appreciate. And it is why I think it is incumbent upon the wife to be very clear eyed about what is happening and how she feels.

I think that the dynamics of new relationship energy are a great example. For many women in this position that NRE is a very appealing aspect of our sexual exploration. It is by definition something that our husbands can't offer. But neither can any other man for any sustainable period of time. It is the nature of newness that it doesn't last. It is incumbent upon me to keep this in perspective. Rather than unfairly making unfavourable comparisons between my husband and any new man I seek to see my husband's support and understanding as a principal reason why I am able to enjoy that NRE and not confuse it with something that any given man has over my husband.

If the roles were reversed I would say similar things about the merits of the wife's understanding and support. However, I think that men have been more conditioned to resist this kind of situation or to somehow "keep up" if they are open to it.

 

[Yeahbodie0bb4]

In much of porn and the broader world I believe that the role of the cuckold is poorly understood, especially in the way it is regarded with derision. For this purpose I take the view that any man who supports his wife having sex with other men but does not himself have sex with other women (or is restricted in this regard) is a cuckold. I know there are differences of opinion on terminology but that really isn't the point of this thread.

Amongst people engaged or interested in this dynamic and in any literature that takes it seriously the cuckold is a man who appreciates his wife and is very much appreciated by his wife. Some couples engage in fetish play while others don't. For those that do it is a sort of psychological BDSM. Regardless of how it appears to the observer it is fully consensual, both partners enjoy it and underneath it all is a genuine mutual appreciation. I have never actually met, talked to or heard of a hotwife who actually views her cuckold with derision and disdain or who would stand idly by while another man is being genuinely abusive and hurtful towards him.

Do other people have a different experience?

Why are people who can comprehend a couple who has an open marriage (even if it isn't their thing) seemingly unable to comprehend this lifestyle?

Why are people who can comprehend a couple having a penchant for BDSM unable to comprehend a desire for cuckold fetish play?

I can see that being a definition of Cuckold, but what is it when a guy watches his girl get it on with another man and then when they finish, he proceeds to have sex with her? Is the what is called Reclaiming? What that all about? Just curious.

 

[policywank]

I can see that being a definition of Cuckold, but what is it when a guy watches his girl get it on with another man and then when they finish, he proceeds to have sex with her? Is the what is called Reclaiming? What that all about? Just curious.

He is still a cuckold. A cuckold need not be denied sex with his wife.

Some people call it reclaiming when the cuckold fucks his wife after another man has fucked her. I am not a big fan of that term as it implies ownership or possession. I am nobody's possession to claim or reclaim. I just call it having sex with my husband or perhaps giving him sloppy seconds.

 

[Wishingbox]

Some people call it reclaiming when the cuckold fucks his wife after another man has fucked her. I am not a big fan of that term as it implies ownership or possession. I am nobody's possession to claim or reclaim. I just call it having sex with my husband or perhaps giving him sloppy seconds.

Yah I could see how it could be used or viewed as ownership but I think at its core it’s a rededicating or statement of commitment. I don’t see it as ownership as much as dedication. You can totally go do this wonderful thing but after let’s sync up and remind each other that we’re dedicated or committed to each other in a way that’s deeper or more unique than this other relationship.

I totally get the ownership ick but also want to recognize it’s more about assuring the other person we’re still good.

 

[betabrad]

I’m not yet 60 and I already have problems with ED : I’m not able to get and keep a full erection. I can give a woman pleasure with my mouth and tongue but no longer able to with my penis. Because of this I’m worried that I may not be able to find a woman who will have a romantic relationship with me ever again , but I hope I can. I understand that she may need to have other men to provide the sex that I can’t, and I’m fine with that. I would personally consider this to be a cuckold relationship but I’m not sure others would.

 

[policywank]

Yah I could see how it could be used or viewed as ownership but I think at its core it’s a rededicating or statement of commitment. I don’t see it as ownership as much as dedication. You can totally go do this wonderful thing but after let’s sync up and remind each other that we’re dedicated or committed to each other in a way that’s deeper or more unique than this other relationship.

I totally get the ownership ick but also want to recognize it’s more about assuring the other person we’re still good.

I am certainly supportive of reconnecting. And I don't find the word "reclaim" to be offensive or anything like that. But I do see it often used in a context in which the husband speaks as though it is a right that he holds - i.e. I am ok with her having sex with another man as long as I get to reclaim her. The implied claim is a bit problematic.

For me maintaining my own sexual agency is key. I am glad that my husband wants to reconnect with me and I am very much inclined to embrace that sentiment. But I wouldn't ever convey to him a claim or right to have sex with me. In general he does have the right to expect a grown up sex life. That is different than sex on demand even if it happens to be right after I had sex with another men. Even if I embrace his desire to do this 9 times out of 10 it remains my prerogative to deny him if I choose.

 

[policywank]

I’m not yet 60 and I already have problems with ED : I’m not able to get and keep a full erection. I can give a woman pleasure with my mouth and tongue but no longer able to with my penis. Because of this I’m worried that I may not be able to find a woman who will have a romantic relationship with me ever again , but I hope I can. I understand that she may need to have other men to provide the sex that I can’t, and I’m fine with that. I would personally consider this to be a cuckold relationship but I’m not sure others would.

I would consider that to be a cuckold relationship. IMO there need not be any fetish play (i.e. humiliation) to qualify as cuckolding. Nor does it matter why she has sex with other men while you don't have sex with other women - only that this is indeed the case.

 

[Yeahbodie0bb4]

He is still a cuckold. A cuckold need not be denied sex with his wife.

Some people call it reclaiming when the cuckold fucks his wife after another man has fucked her. I am not a big fan of that term as it implies ownership or possession. I am nobody's possession to claim or reclaim. I just call it having sex with my husband or perhaps giving him sloppy seconds.

Thanks Policy. Just a term my friend's bf uses. Guess he's a cuckhold. Lol, there relationship baffles me. They also cam with stranger mostly my female friend does while bf watches, swing, wife swap, mfm, and gloryhole and threeways, but i guess that's the mfm thing. She says he jacks it when she's doing other guy, sometimes a stranger. Just surprised by their sex life. lol