ASSHAT AWARDS: Even more of the Best of the Worst PMs & emails received

[cascadiabound]

This excellent advice seemed like it belongs on this thread.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

That is perfect, Cascadia!

 

[RawHumor]

This excellent advice seemed like it belongs on this thread.

It goes with my douche thread.

 

[cascadiabound]

It goes with my douche thread.

It does indeed.

 

[cookiecat]

A reply to dick pic PMs - found someplace else:

Thank you for your penis.

I noticed your profile picture is also your penis so I must assume that is all of you. You are either simply a dick or a life support system for your dick. I can draw no further conclusion.

You offer no other response than to refer to your penis and what gifts you might bestow on me with your penis so I must assume both of the above to be true.

If you wonder why you struggle so in finding a play partner or place for said penis, perhaps it might be your approach.

Shocking as it might seem, I have seen a penis before. In fact in my 48 years I have actually seen a few of them, even witnessed them in action. Please, unless your particular penis can perform some amazing feat never before witnessed by a woman of my age, might I suggest a conversation and profile with more substance.

In closing, I wish you and your penis good luck

 

[cascadiabound]

^^^^^ Bwahahahahaha. Excellent.

 

[RawHumor]

So I was perusing the Personal Ads and found one that looked rather interesting from a woman wanting a psychic connection but expressed a strong dislike for BDSM. I get curious when people say they're into kink but hate BDSM, so I looked at her history. In one post, she talked about gay male oral sex from a first-person perspective. I posted a link to that post in her Personal Ad, just asking if there was gender confusion.

It could have easily been explained away or the original post edited so that my link led to nothing. Instead, I received this lovely PM:

You're an ultra-coservative, straight-laced, morals Nazi. You must be the conservative straight-laced Literotica Truth Police? Just going around and pissing on other people's parades? Own it you bitch. Erase what you put on my thread, please.

I cackled.

 

[fit_sexual_male50]

So I was looking for some place to stink up, so I went over to the Personal Ads and found one that looked rather interesting from a woman wanting a psychic connection but expressed a strong dislike for BDSM. I get curious when people say they're into kink but hate BDSM, so I stuck a finger up my ass, wiggled it around awhile, till I had a thought. I posted a link to that post in her Personal Ad, just asking if there was gender confusion.

It could have easily been explained away or the original post edited so that my link led to nothing. Instead, I received this lovely PM:



I made a stinky mommy.

. . . . .
Sad

 

[capri31]

So I was perusing the Personal Ads and found one that looked rather interesting from a woman wanting a psychic connection but expressed a strong dislike for BDSM. I get curious when people say they're into kink but hate BDSM, so I looked at her history. In one post, she talked about gay male oral sex from a first-person perspective. I posted a link to that post in her Personal Ad, just asking if there was gender confusion.

It could have easily been explained away or the original post edited so that my link led to nothing. Instead, I received this lovely PM:



I cackled.

And you "cackled" 'cause you really are some sort of demon who enjoys creating pain and suffering in others?
That's fucked up man.

 

[cookiecat]

so there's this...

So, hypothetically speaking, if you were to get zapped by a shrink ray and the person who cut you down with it was now standing tall over you, what's your first move? Let's assume you still had just enough time to either make a dash for safety or try and devise a plan to stand and fight, knowing full well that being captured means having to submit to being kept as a living doll. Would you choose to run or fight, or would you just accept the captivity and hope for the best?

 

[cookiecat]

. . . . .
Sad

What is the stinky mommy thing? What????

And you "cackled" 'cause you really are some sort of demon who enjoys creating pain and suffering in others?
That's fucked up man.

LOL @ demon.

 

[KimGordon67]

so there's this...

Apparently there's some kink that involves being tiny, or other people being giants, or something?

 

[cookiecat]

Apparently there's some kink that involves being tiny, or other people being giants, or something?

Apparently!!

Actually, when I was a phone sex operator, this was a common request. I remember thinking, I wonder if I'm supposed to have like a megaphone voice or something? But then I thought that seemed like an ogre and not an amazon woman!

 

[RawHumor]

And you "cackled" 'cause you really are some sort of demon who enjoys creating pain and suffering in others?
That's fucked up man.

LOL

I almost missed this. This is pure gold.

I created pain and suffering by linking to an old post?

Fear my demon power!

 

[KimGordon67]

Apparently!!

Actually, when I was a phone sex operator, this was a common request. I remember thinking, I wonder if I'm supposed to have like a megaphone voice or something? But then I thought that seemed like an ogre and not an amazon woman!

I'm in utter awe that you could do that job. I'm pretty sure I'd just dissolve into uncontrollable laughter on a regular basis.

 

[Farawyn]

I'm in utter awe that you could do that job. I'm pretty sure I'd just dissolve into uncontrollable laughter on a regular basis.

She’s done some of her voices for me.
I almost peed.

 

[Blue]

I'm in utter awe that you could do that job. I'm pretty sure I'd just dissolve into uncontrollable laughter on a regular basis.

If it was kept totally anonymous, I'd love to hear some of the more abstract requests people make on those services.

The weirdest thing I've ever experienced in my works is a woman strangely obsessed with tripping people over...

 

[KimGordon67]

She’s done some of her voices for me.
I almost peed.

Well now I'm just jealous.

 

[Farawyn]

Well now I'm just jealous.

Awww.
You can play next time. I promise.

 

[Veronica100]

This excellent advice seemed like it belongs on this thread.

love this!

 

[Veronica100]

A reply to dick pic PMs - found someplace else:

very good!

 

[seela]

are you really a women?

I especially appreciate the philosophical nature of the question brought forth so eloquently by mixing of singular and plural forms. Am I a multitude? Several lives in one body?

Am I even a woman, singular? Who knows. I might be just really good at doing impressions. No way of finding out!

Such a good question!

 

[cookiecat]

I'm in utter awe that you could do that job. I'm pretty sure I'd just dissolve into uncontrollable laughter on a regular basis.

She’s done some of her voices for me.
I almost peed.

If it was kept totally anonymous, I'd love to hear some of the more abstract requests people make on those services.

The weirdest thing I've ever experienced in my works is a woman strangely obsessed with tripping people over...

Well now I'm just jealous.

Re: phone sex operator

Don't be jelly... someday I'll quack like duck, oink like a pig, pretend I'm:

1. peeing
2. hocking up snot
3. throwing up
4. having multiple orgasms
5. talk like a robot

for you, Kim

The job is pretty lucrative once you get a following but a zillion people are doing it.

Some of the requests were to quack like a duck, oink like a pig, pee on someone, have a cold and blow my snotty nose on someone, magicially cum within minutes of a call. Apparently I was a pretty good robot and really great at making noises like I enjoyed licking dirty assholes.

I never got horny. My voice and imagination were a commodity. I had to be an excellent listener and an even better role player. It wasn't an easy job, but it helped with extra $$ and great stories to share.

 

[seela]

must say you have super wow wow wow boobs.....dreaming of my black cock between your super super wow boobs.....wow what a feeling.....

have a sexy wow great night.....

I wonder if "super super wow" is a step up or down from "super wow wow wow".

I also wonder where he's seen my boobs.

 

[Blue]

I wonder if "super super wow" is a step up or down from "super wow wow wow".

I also wonder where he's seen my boobs.

..
wow