From the Beast:
50) Paula Deen
Charges: The A.Q. Khan of the culinary world, her secret recipes are demonstrably more dangerous to America than a nuclear armed North Korea. When not delighting delusional hicks on “Huckabee,” she’s cooking up coronary-clogging treats like the “Luther”—a bacon-topped cheeseburger served between two glazed donuts—whose purported inventor Luther Vandross suffered from diabetes and died of a massive heart explosion. Make no mistake, this insane, evangelical pumpkin-face is trying to send you into the arms of Jesus.
Aggravating factor: “I’m gonna start with my normal ingredient, y’all: one stick of butter.”
Sentence: Steamed and served over a healthy bed of greens.
49) Rick Sanchez
Charges: In 1990, Sanchez got drunk at a Dolphins game, paralyzed a guy with his car and drove away. He’d later bring that same diligence to cable news. His CNN show, “Rick’s List,” lazily relied on viewer Tweets and Facebook updates for the superficial analysis its host was woefully unprepared to deliver. His was a career plagued by comical errors, gaffes and an eminently mockable idiocy—like pointing to the Galapagos Islands on a map and calling them Hawaii. Herr Sanchez struck back at his detractors—and signed his own pink slip—by implying that Jews control the media and that Jon Stewart made fun of him, not because of his marked ineptitude, but because of the Elders of Zion. Or something.
Aggravating factor: “When you think of a volcano, you think of Hawaii and long words like that.”
Sentence: Sportscaster gig on ESPN 3; fired for saying African Americans control the NBA. (Or this.)
48) Kim Kardashian
Charges: Not content with tacitly rooking half-bright teens by endorsing any weight-loss scam and junk food joint to cross her path, 2010 marks the year she entered the world of outright usury. Her and her sisters’ short-lived, pre-paid Kardashian Kard—because alliteration is a sound reason to enter the kredit industry—was rife with what the Connecticut Attorney General called “pernicious and predatory fees.” Inexplicably famous; no redeeming skills. Her “reality” show is poorly written.
Aggravating factor: “I know people think we drive around in these nice cars and we do whatever we want and our parents will pay our credit cards, but that’s not the case. Sure, my parents were generous. I got a nice car at 16, but at 18 I was cut off. I’ve worked really hard.”
Sentence: Sex tape with DJ Jazzy Jeff; one year in a coal mine.
47) Alvin Greene
Charges: More “special” than loathsome, Greene managed to get the Democratic nomination for Senator of South Carolina and, like the rest of us, had no idea how or why. His pre-election media appearances offered only mute consternation regarding how exactly an unemployed dolt who lives with his father raised the $10,440 candidate filing fee. And he never did wow us with a rendition of “Let’s Stay Together.”
Aggravating factor: “Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an Army uniform, Air Force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That’s something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It’s not something a typical person would bring up. That’s something that could happen, that makes sense. It’s not a joke.”
Sentence: Represented in the Senate by Jim DeMint.
46) Carl Paladino
Charges: Old-school racist, homophobe, hypocrite and purveyor of small gubmint horse porn, the would-be NY Governor’s real estate wealth comes largely from government subsidy of distressed properties. The Tea Partier wanted to impose “eminent domain” to stop the “Ground Zero Mosque,” and called for welfare recipients to be housed in old prisons, taught hygiene and used as a source of cheap labor. Carl’s homophobia came across as all the more strange when he insisted to the New York Post’s Fred Dicker, “I’ll take you out, buddy!”
Aggravating factor: “And I don’t want [our children] to be brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid or successful option. It isn’t.”
Sentence: Buttsecks with James Dobson.
45) Gerald Posner
Charges: Serial hack and pop culture barnacle, Posner’s books and celebrity reporting contain more lifted lines than Joan River’s face, which he’s also guilty of plagiarizing. Even before being sacked by Tina Brown’s ego-buttressing The Daily Beast, Posner’s vapid beat pointedly answered Fareed Zakaria’s moronic question: “Why do they hate us?”
Aggravating factors: “Although I’m convinced Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President Kennedy, I’ve always believed that had Mark Lane represented Oswald, he would have won an acquittal. That’s why Mark Lane was the obvious choice as my own attorney.” (Or: “I’m a thieving cocksucker.”)
Sentence: Plastic Surgery Wellness editor at Huffington Post.
44) Julius Genachowski
Charges: Despite agreeing with his Harvard classmate and b-ball buddy Barack Obama to “take a back seat to no one” in his commitment to net neutrality, the FCC Chair let AT&T and Comcast drive new internet “regulations” into the middle of the class war. The new rules read like an industry wish list and ensure that the internet will continue to be awesome—if you can afford it. The rest of us will be stuck with a slow-moving, advert-laden, hard-to-navigate wasteland of bad information. Also, the rules leave wireless largely untouched—meaning it’s arguably within a provider’s right to determine what content you can and cannot access. This will mean something to you when they cut off your pr0n.
Aggravating factor: “I am gratified by the broad support this proposal has already received this morning—including from leading Internet and technology companies…”
Sentence: Rick Rolled to death.
43) Charlie Sheen
Charges: This last year Sheen did something so horrendously unfunny as to disturb all decent people. And in addition to taping another season of “Two and a Half Men,” he paid a prostitute to have dinner with him, introduced her to his wife, got double-soused, locked the hooker in a closet and trashed a hotel room.
Aggravating factor: The whole 9/11 Truther thing.
Sentence: Trade places with Emilio Estevez.
42) Haley Barbour
Charges: Looks like William Shatner if William Shatner ate a racist butter sculpture of William Shatner. As the oil and death washed ashore in the Gulf, the Mississippi Gov wooed tourists to “[c]ome on down” and “enjoy the beach.” The man was a tobacco lobbyist. He thinks the White Citizens Council is an upstanding organization. He doesn’t give a shit about you or anyone you know.
Aggravating factor: “I just don’t remember [overt racism] as being that bad.”
Sentence: Denied service at his favorite restaurant, blasted with fire hose, attacked by police dogs.
41) Christine O’Donnell
Charges: Doesn’t understand that separation of church and state is in the Constitution; doesn’t understand that you can’t pay rent with campaign contributions; doesn’t understand that lying to Nazis would’ve been moral; doesn’t understand that you can’t run for Senate and repeatedly lie about your education without being found out; doesn’t understand that being pro-life in cases of rape and incest makes one a monster; doesn’t understand climate change; doesn’t understand evolution; doesn’t understand that you can’t breed genetically altered mice with fully functional human brains; doesn’t understand that being a single, “chaste” thirty-something who obsessively evangelizes against masturbation and gay sex gives anyone with even a vague appreciation of human nature the likely correct impression that you’ve had your finger in more dykes than the Little Dutch Boy. Just doesn’t understand.
Aggravating factor: “I’m not a witch; I’m you.”
Sentence: Burned at the stake.
40) Charlie Rangel
Charges: It’s understood that corruption is our legislators’ raison d’être. Rangel so aptly plays the character of a crime boss that his image should jump to mind whenever you hear the words “member of Congress.” He dresses like John “Dapper Don” Gotti, sounds like Marlon Brando’s Vito Corleone, and looks like the Joker as played by Cesar Romero. Rated by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington as one of the most corrupt congressmen the past three years.
Aggravating factor: If John Q. Douchebag used Congressional letterhead to solicit funds for a college center named in his honor, had $600K in unreported income and assets, and didn’t pay taxes on his Caribbean home—to name three of Rangel’s 13 known violations—he wouldn’t be read a sternly worded letter by Nancy Pelosi. He’d go to jail. For a very long time.
Sentence: “Dancing With the Stars.”
39) Brett Favre
Charges: He cries so often that it embarrasses John Boehner’s family. Much like unsuspecting NY Jets “Gameday” host Jenn Sterger, you thought you could go your entire life without seeing Favre’s unimpressive member, did you? Sorry, no. No you can’t. That memory will never go away.
Aggravating factor: “Don’t be slappin’ me on my butt like that.”
Sentence: Global Vicodin shortage.
38) Tucker Carlson
Charges: A consummate dildo, liar and CATO Institute lackey who has the annoying habit of telling real reporters, “I will destroy you!” Canned by every cable news channel, he slithered over to his own internet crap-fest the Daily Caller, where he had the sour grapes to smear Ezra Klein’s innocuous Journolist as a liberal media conspiracy—after he’d been rejected from joining the listserve himself. Sued for the rights for TuckerCarlson.com, then registered KeithOlbermann.com and used it to send fraudulent emails to a reporter in Philly, using Olbermann’s voice to snipe at his old MSNBC boss Phil Griffin. He’s the kind of guy who ties sweaters around his shoulders and snorts when he laughs. And he’s definitely not gay!
Aggravating factor:
Dan ABRAMS: Tucker, what did you do, by the way? What did you do when [some guy propositioned him in a public bathroom]? We got to know.
CARLSON: I went back with someone I knew and grabbed the guy by the—you know, and grabbed him, and—and—
ABRAMS: And did what?
CARLSON: Hit him against the stall with his head, actually!
Sentence: Must listen to Keith Olbermann read an entire James Thurber novel.
37) Insane Clown Posse
Charges: Worse clown PR since John Wayne Gacy. In 2010, their video for “Miracles” had a virus, as the kids say, and dimly highlighted the end of American hegemony. With rhymes weaker than Larry King’s urine stream, the Detroit duo have inexplicably cajoled disaffected teens into wearing clown makeup and attaching social status to Faygo Cola. They’re called Juggalos. And it’s wrong.
Aggravating factor: “Fucking magnets, how do they work?”
Sentence: Forced to deliver the graduation speech for the University of Phoenix Online, they aimlessly wander the hellish Arizona city in search of the campus and die of exposure.
36) Tom Barrack
Charges: A satisfying rebuttal to the rumored relationship between wealth and merit. Beset by bourgeois ennui during some “yacht time,” this hedge fund billionaire did what any of us would have—he picked up his daughter’s copy of Twilight. Yes, he read a book written solely to pacify the confusing urges of repressed tweens. It so inspired him that he sent a rambling e-mail to his inferiors, bludgeoning them with his profound insight.
Aggravating factor: “Move your cheese!!!! … The earth is turning on its axis. Planets and moons and suns are in orbit. Gravity is pulling and tugging, and molecules and quarks are warring inside of us. We need movement to live …”
Sentence: Pushing a yacht-sized wheel of Limburger up a steep incline, only to have it roll back down again. Forever.
35) LeBron James
Charges: Aside from indirectly employing hundreds of Chinese kids in sweatshops, his sole contribution to society is tossing a ball through a hole. A genetic-lottery-winning monstrosity, he demonstrates the sort of unbridled ego deserving of the NBA’s first all-star midget. (Now that little dude can talk all the smack he wants.) Last year, “King” James actually had Nike goons confiscate video of Jordan Crawford dunking on him during his clinic. This year, he imbued his free agency announcement with the import normally reserved for declarations of war. For a full half hour of his torturous hour-long ESPN special “The Decision,” he waxed smugly on topics unrelated, as the sad city of Cleveland nervously awaited the ultimately crushing news that he was going to South Beach. Cleveland, left with no reason to exist, has since slid into Lake Erie. Totally true.
Aggravating factor: “I’m the next O.J.”
Sentence: College.
34) Stefani Germanotta (Lady Gaga)
Charges: A Madonna doppelganger with scoliosis and a knack for trite, overproduced and formulaic drivel. Not nearly as controversial as she imagines. She pissed off Jerry Seinfeld? Meh. My heart’s not really in this one. She makes shitty music. Who fucking cares. Probably you. You sicken me. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Aggravating factor: Excessive consonant repetition.
Sentence: Tracheotomy.
33) Damon Lindelof
Charges: As co-creator of “Lost” and co-writer of the monumentally terrible final episode, Lindelof first conjured a confusing yet entertaining sci-fi epic but then, despite its mechanical sound, the “Smoke Monster” turns out to be the ghost of the father of liberal philosophy, side plots about mental illness and alternate universes go nowhere, paper-thin characters inexplicably commune with the dead, and finally, in a clichéd, Old Testament-inspired supernatural battle, evil is defeated when a big rock dildo is crammed into a shiny hole by a handsome, emotionless doctor. And the whole damn thing—concocted entirely on the fly, with no eye toward resolution—from the plane crash to the time travel was actually just some brightly-lit, stained glass, feel-good, new-age, ecumenical afterlife delirium. Right. Fuck you, Damon Lindelof. Fuck you, for stealing 127 hours of our lives, giving us hope that television needn’t be utterly awful, and then shitting out the most hackneyed, series-diminishing, spiritually pandering, lowest common denominator deus ex machina to ever air on TV. Fuck you. Fuck you with a fake beard.
Aggravating factor: One of his favorite films is Bambi.
Sentence: Something incredibly convoluted, followed by a tremendously unsatisfying ending.
32) Mel Gibson
Charges: Once again, he said something so reprehensible that we were forced to hear about Mel Gibson. Drunk, stupid, dumb, misogynist, racist, drunk, raised-by-a-Nazi, anti-Semitic, drunk, persecution complex, fan of torture, narcissistic, moronic, drunk, Uber-Catholic, stem cell Neo-Luddite, inconsequential, drunk Mel Fucking Gibson. We’re tired of hearing about Mel Gibson.
Aggravating factor (to Baby-momma McFakeboobs): “You look like a fucking bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers it’ll be your fault. All right?”
Sentence: Thunderdome.
31) Eddie Long
Charges: The Ted Haggard of the Dirty South, he used his position as Baptist mega-preacher to coerce at least four young men into having sex with him, lavishing gifts, money and weird biblical justifications on them for even weirder DL quasi-marriages. Embezzled $3 million from his own charity. Recipient of a Bush-era $1 million faith-based initiative grant for his hypocritical quest to “cure” homosexuality, which is the modern-day equivalent of skin bleaching and marks the ignominious end of the civil rights movement. Looks tight in a spandex onesie.
Aggravating factor: “Men can look attractive when they are dirty. We see sweating, dirty, hardworking men on television all the time and we say to one another, ‘There’s a macho guy.’”
Sentence: Huge lawsuit settlement; sex with wife.
30) Mitch McConnell
Charges: Yet another example of the direct proportionality of evil to jowl size. In pronouncing that his most important job as Senate Minority Leader is to limit Obama to one term, McConnell accentuated the craven political discourse in which we now wallow. With two wars going and the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, the opposition leader might think that, but he’s not supposed to say it. But the gaffe of the Senate’s most pandering shill barely registered in the era of “Don’t retreat! Reload!”
Aggravating factor: “I mean, let’s be honest. Who wants to hang out with guys like Paul Krugman and Robert Reich, when you can be with Rush Limbaugh!”
Sentence: Second turtle stand-in at the forthcoming Noah’s Ark amusement park.
29) George W. Bush
Charges: Worst. President. Ever. Should be in hiding for fear of prison or mob violence, but he was yukking it up on the talk shows, joking about his dad’s withered nutsack and promoting his ghost-plagiarized, revisionist memoir Decision Points, for which he was paid an obscene $7 million for the first printing alone. Told Matt Lauer on “Today” that “one of the most disgusting moments” of his presidency was when Kanye West said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” which was the least offensive outburst of West’s outburst-plagued career. So a megalomaniac pop star’s unscripted slight was worse than 9/11, Abu Ghraib, the Haditha massacre, the Virginia Tech shootings and the roughly 2,000—mostly African American—Katrina casualties, which West was referring to and you were largely responsible for due to criminal levels of sloth, indifference and incompetence? Motherfucker.
Aggravating factor: Remember when he went to Haiti after the earthquake, shook that guy’s hand and then wiped his hand on Bill Clinton’s sleeve? That.
Sentence: Made to read Decision Points in jail.
28) Stanley McChrystal
Charges: Incredible stupidity. Lulled by the media’s usually fawning deference to the DoD, McChrystal and his staff trash-talked their superiors and diplomatic counterparts in front of Rolling Stone’s Michael Hastings, as if reporting what people say isn’t the sole purpose of a reporter. McChrystal’s crew pled “exaggeration,” but in the end he resigned his Afghan Command with the professionalism he failed to demonstrate while Hastings was around. Worse yet were the sycophantic cries of “You can’t report on what the military says! It’s an unwritten rule!” emanating from the usual torpid hacks like National Review editor Rich Lowry. This is McChrystal’s fault in that he did not indefinitely detain and torture Lowry many years ago, for reasons unrelated yet absolutely justified.
Aggravating factor: His favorite movie is Talladega Nights.
Sentence: Four Star General Manager of a KFC.
27) Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. (Perez Hilton)
Charges: Posting a pic of a seventeen-year-old’s twat on Twitter is borderline pedophilia, but since he’s a professional fag and Miley Cyrus is a professional annoyance, the moral outrage only lasted one news cycle. Perez’s toddleresque slams on celebrity and generally repulsive demeanor are the major reason homophobia still exists.
Aggravating factor: Looks like Buster Poindexter cross-pollinated with the kid from Jerry Maguire.
Sentence: A tour in Afghanistan.
26) Jim Bob Duggar
Charges: Named Jim Bob. Won’t stop fucking; won’t pull out. Intent on creating an army of maladjusted, fundamentalist children who hug sideways because they’re afraid to bump junk and go to hell. Condemning said progeny to lives of vast ignorance via creationist homeschooling, and then exploiting them on TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” (formerly “18 Kids…” and “17 Kids…”). He’s the reason the world laughs at us.
Aggravating Factor: “As far as like overpopulation, I mean, there’s really a myth of overpopulation. The whole world’s population could fit into the city limits of Jacksonville, Florida.”
Sentence: Chemical castration.
25) David Brooks
Charges: The Bernie Madoff of American letters, every tortured construct and inaccurate assumption ever set to print by this annoyingly self-described “Bourgeoisie Bohemian” is a fraudulent attempt to justify why his house is more expensive than yours. Brooks couldn’t even wait for the bodies to cool after the Haiti earthquake before writing about how useless it is to send money because those voodoo-lovin’ savages simply can’t be helped.
Aggravating factor: “It’s time to find self-confident local leaders who will create No Excuses countercultures in places like Haiti, surrounding people—maybe just in a neighborhood or a school—with middle-class assumptions, an achievement ethos and tough, measurable demands.”
Sentence: Buried under rubble; cholera.
24) Sharron Angle
Charges: Imagine the most viscerally repugnant, deeply moronic and pathologically regressive position one could hold on any given issue. Good. Now imagine Sharron Angle cackling maniacally at whatever comparatively feeble hippie shit you came up with. This hyper-religious thing once crusaded against a high school football jersey because she thinks black is a wicked color. Whatever the issue—gay rights, women’s rights, human rights, Social Security, Scientology, science, Latino v. Asian, etc. ad infinitum—Sharron Angle’s backward position would embarrass most medieval peasants.
Aggravating factor: “Well it’s to defend ourselves. And you know, I’m hoping that we’re not getting to Second Amendment remedies. I hope the vote will be the cure for the Harry Reid problems.”
Sentence: Elected Queen of the Mariana Trench.
23) Joe Barton (R-TX)
Charges: A former oil company consultant, “Smokey” Joe is a potent combination of corrupt and cretinous. As former Chair of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, he commissioned the widely debunked climate change skeptic Wegman Report, feeding the authors spurious data. He was a driving force in shaping the fossil fuel industry boondoggle known as the ‘05 House Energy Policy Act. He can’t fathom the concept of continental drift. And he thinks wind power will increase global warming because wind is “God’s way of balancing heat.”
Aggravating factor: “I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation [BP] can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown.”
Sentence: Drowned in a shallow pool of pig vomit.
22) Tyra Banks
Charges: Her eponymous talk show, which once booked an eleven-year-old girl under false pretenses only to have her face a convicted pedophile via satellite, finally ended this year. Tyra’s frenzied ego-fever did not. The winner of last season’s ode to body dysmorphia “Auschwitz’s America’s Next Top Model” was so disturbingly thin that her torso could be used as a bulimia aid. And this ideal of supposed beauty was brought to us by a woman dense enough to think she could wear a fat suit for a few hours and truly know the plight of the obese.
Aggravating factor: Whatever this is.
Sentence: Used to test a new line of rabbit makeup.
21) James O’Keefe III
Charges: Like Sacha Baron Cohen mixed with G. Gordon Liddy’s fetid stool. Embodies every sniveling, Docker-clad College Republican to ever overlook the 9th fairway and obtusely bemoan lower class entitlements. A Breitbart disciple, he sparked the ruin of ACORN, an honorable advocacy group for the poor, by dressing like a pimp and editing like Leni Riefenstahl. In college, he decried learning about foreign cultures because he considered it an affront to American values. Those same values went unperturbed by the white supremacist meetings he’s attended. This year, he got busted trying to mess with Senator Landrieu’s office phones and attempting to “seduce” CNN’s Abbie Boudreau on a boat with fuzzy handcuffs and porn. Lately he’s been stalking a New Jersey special ed provider in order eliminate any remaining doubt about what an asshole he is.
Aggravating factor: “It is time, as Hannah said as we walked out of the ACORN facility, for conservative activists to ‘create chaos for glory.’”
Sentence: Sold into Bacha Bazi.
20) Mark Zuckerberg
Charges: In the backhanded tradition of tech dickery, Zuckerburg brazenly pilfered the idea which allows you to neurotically tend that asshole from high school’s virtual farm while not getting any work done. The Facebook founder’s fortune comes in part from selling your information to third parties via default privacy settings. After vowing to donate half of his some $7 billion to charity, as transparent PR in the wake of The Social Network, he got into bed with the execrable Goldman Sachs and a Russian investment firm run by a convicted extortionist to recoup the loss. Invented “poking.” And he’s actually trying to trademark the word “face.”
Aggravating factor (from his business card): “i’m CEO … bitch.”
Sentence: Whatever Tom Anderson’s doing right now.
19) Jenny McCarthy
Charges: OK. Dr. Andrew Wakefield’s been revealed as a fraud and conman, and his study linking autism to the MMR vaccine was fully retracted by The Lancet. The “debate” is done, but this former Playboy Bunny is not. She initially believed her son Evan was an “Indigo child” (a creepy, Aryan wunderkind with telepathic powers), but after that didn’t pan out, she needed another equally plausible explanation for his condition and desperately latched onto the vaccine conspiracy. By convincing easily-duped moms that vaccines aren’t safe, she’s endangered their kids, compromised herd immunity and killed more Americans than terrorists have in the last nine years. And that’s not hyperbole.
Aggravating factor: “I did a lot of digging on my own, the ‘University of Google.’”
Sentence: Measles, mumps, rubella.
18) Andrew Breitbart
Charges: Partly responsible for the abysmal online apothecary known as The Huffington Post and the career of James O’Keefe, whom he taught everything he doesn’t know. His Drudge-inspired bullshit finally hit the fan in July when he posted an out of context video excerpt of USDA employee Shirley Sherrod that implied she was a racist. But like the implication of Brietbart’s hetero marriage, the truth of the matter was the exact opposite.
Aggravating factor: “You [Max Blumenthal] destroy people. Because you try to destroy people’s lives through innuendo. Innuendo!”
Sentence: Outed by Matt Drudge.
17) Rand Paul
Charges: Named and molded after a writer whose sheer intellectual repugnance spawned an entire generation of thinly-veiled Social Darwinists. He tried to equate racial discrimination with “free speech,” saying that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was tantamount to big government regulation. Cried, “Medicare is socialized medicine!” while hypocritically deriving half of his ophthalmology income from Medicaid and Medicare. Portrayed criticism of BP’s little “accident” as an “un-American” symptom of our “blame-game society.” And then there was that befuddling college prank where he and another secret-frat dildo tied up a girl, blindfolded her, made her do bong hits, dragged her to a creek bed and forced her to swear allegiance to “Aqua Buddha.” Way to go, Kentucky, he’s your Senator. You embarrass us all, you curb-stomping apes, for so many reasons, Ark-related and not.
Aggravating factor: “Well, the thing is, we’re all interconnected. There are no rich. There are no middle class. There are no poor.”
Sentence: Raped in a quarry by Evil Frank Gehry.
16) Pastor Terry Jones
Charges: The Aerosmith to Fred Phelps’s Stones, Jones sparked worldwide controversy over his “Burn a Koran Day,” but when it came time to light the match, he flaked like a hate-filled croissant. His little-attended Dove World Outreach Center is a tax-exempt front group for TS & Co., a for-profit that buys and sells furniture on eBay. TS & Co. is staffed by his cult members, who live on site, are not paid and aren’t allowed to communicate with their families. His rampant homo-hating is all the more grating because he has the gayest facial hair since the Brawny paper towel guy.
Aggravating factor: “Tolerance is destroying our nation.”
Sentence: Inevitable gay sex scandal.
15) John Boehner
Charges: Cries so often he embarrasses Glenn Beck’s family. An incorrigibly lazy corporate puppet who owes his emotional instability to legendary Merlot consumption and his radioactive Naugahyde complexion to innumerable special interest golf junkets. His first notable act in Congress was to hand out tobacco lobby checks on the House floor before a vote on anti-smoking legislation; his PAC received $30K from Abramoff-affiliated tribes; he lived in an apartment owned by lobbyist John Milne; he knew about Mark Foley’s page perversion and sat on it. More recently, he compared the financial crisis to an ant and the weak Dodd-Frank bill to a nuke—while concurrently trying to block unemployment benefits. And the most egregious aspect of his drunken weeping on “60 Minutes,” about kids having the same education opportunities he did, is that he’s scored hundreds of thousands from for-profit schools and the student loan industry—even sponsoring legislation that would slash public loan funding and redirect it to his golf buddy’s company Sallie Mae. He’s the kind of amoral opportunist who would campaign for Nazi reenactor Rich Iott in secret, not because there is any chance in hell of winning, but because Iott’s stinking rich and bound to repay the favor.
Aggravating factor: “The only way we’re going to get our economy going again and solve our budget problems is to get the economy moving.”
Sentence: Lung cancer.
14) Barack Obama
Charges: Outside of his promise to never end the pointless war in Afghanistan, his word has the integrity of Halliburton cement. Whether it was a “robust” public option, real net neutrality, importing prescription drugs, barring lobbyists from serving in the White House, meaningful Wall Street reform or ending the Bush tax cuts for the disgustingly wealthy, our President caved like the Metrodome under the weight of a bloated oligarchy. Most irksome, he seemed dignified doing it.
Aggravating factor: Authorized the assassination of Americans accused of terrorism.
Sentence: Primary challenge from the Rent is 2 Damn High guy.
13) Mohamed Mohamud
Charges: The would-be terrorist so nice they named him after a violent pedophile. Twice. Escalated the War on Christmas® to the explosively tangible, when he tried to blow up a tree lighting ceremony. So stupid he couldn’t spot a sting if it starred Robert Redford. Gives everyone of Somali descent a bad name—even the pirates—and justifies insane right-wing hate of brown Muslims. Lived in Portland.
Aggravating factor: “It’s gonna be a fireworks show … a spectacular show … New York Times will give it two thumbs up.”
Sentence: Married to Pamela Geller.
12) Pamela Geller
Charges: The Woodward to Orly Taitz’s Bernstein, publisher of the mendacious blog Atlas Shrugs and co-founder of the hate group Stop Islamization of America. She was the bigoted fountainhead of hysteria over the “Ground Zero Mosque,” which is neither a mosque, nor located at Ground Zero, but rather a former, and totally sacred, Burlington Coat Factory. Her pathological falsehoods include, but are not limited to, the claims that the Bosnian Genocide was actually a clever Muslim mass-suicide/sympathy campaign, Obama—the undercover Muslim—is the love child of Malcolm X, his mom was a porno worker, and that Jewish Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan is a Nazi. This lunatic makes Ann Coulter seem the very model of civility, reason and grace.
Aggravating factor: “I don’t know where it is in America that you can’t make jokes or make fun.”
Sentence: Sharia Law in a five-foot radius around Pam Geller.
11) Roger Ailes
Charges: His entire life is an object lesson in pernicious mendacity. Before being named Fox News President/Rupert Murdoch henchman, he was a consultant for Nixon, Reagan, Elder Bush and Rudy Giuliani. Party to News Corp.’s $1 million donation to the Republican Governors Association; ultimately responsible for Fox News Washington managing editor Bill Sammon’s fiendish email, which ordered Fox employees to use the term “government option” in place of “public option,” and more recently, responsible for Sammon’s missive requiring staff to challenge the “veracity of climate change data.” In granting the Tea Party media saturation, and employing demagogues like Beck, O’Reilly and Hannity, Ailes has absolutely destroyed the impartiality of the fourth estate and made a large segment of the population ever more stupider.
Aggravating factor: “They [NPR] are, of course, Nazis. They have a kind of Nazi attitude. They are the left wing of Nazism. These guys don’t want any other point of view.”
Sentence: Gassed by Garrison Keillor.
10) John McCain
Charges: If you were in a coma during the ‘o8 election or too young to remember McCain’s role in the Keating Five/Savings and Loan scandal, his stance against MLK Day or his betrayal of the dinosaurs, you may have been under the false impression that he was one of the few Republicans to not be a pandering piece of shit. 2010 fully erased that unfounded myth, as he flip-flopped like beached salmon on immigration reform, the border fence, climate change and the repeal of DADT in a race to the bottom against his Tea Party opponent J.D. Hayworth. Ultimately responsible for raising Sarah Palin to national consciousness.
Aggravating factor: “Today [the day DADT was repealed] is a very sad day.”
Sentence: McCain**********.gov. (I am so sorry for putting that image in your head.)
9) Tea Partiers
Charges: Openly racist and lying about it, uber-religious, hyper-hypocritical, usually-tetched old codgers who wheel around in their Medicare-provided Hoverounds® and rage against fiscally irresponsible social programs, like Medicare, because they’re too dumb to realize that they’re co-opted, Machiavellian mouthpieces of greedy billionaires.
Aggravating factor: They elected some 40 candidates to Congress.
Sentence: The consequences of their actions.
8) Jan Brewer
Charges: Gila Monster eugenics gone horrible awry. Killed two people, and another ninety-six languish, unable to afford the life-saving transplants for which she slashed state funding. Cut health care for kids too. Hates health care. Horny for the NRA; signed law nixing concealed carry permits, which had no ill effects in 2010. None. Don’t worry about it. Not a problem. Seriously. It’s totally cool. Attempted to justify the draconian racial profiling law SB 1070 by repeatedly citing fictional desert decapitations. Lambasted as the Himmler of the Southwest, she protested, saying her father died fighting the Nazis. He was never in the military. He died in ‘51. From lung cancer.
Aggravating factor: “God has placed me in this powerful position as Arizona’s governor.”
Sentence: Followed everywhere by a mirror; subsequent heart attack.
7) Glenn Beck
Charges: Cries so often he’d embarrass himself—if he could feel embarrassed or ashamed about anything. In his early radio career he made an on-air call to mock a man over his wife’s miscarriage. And he’s gotten progressively more vile. This year, he besmirched the antiwar legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. with his contemptible military worshiping “Restoring Honor” white power religious rally. But it was OK, he demurred, because he didn’t stand on the same exact step of the Lincoln Memorial. His dyslexic game of “Pin the Paranoid Delusion on the George Soros” directly inspired at least three would-be assassins (in 2010). A Latter Day, Romper Room Father Coughlin who screams “eugenic” as frequently as sane people say “hello.”
Aggravating factor: ”You’re going to have to shoot [democrats] in the head.”
Sentence: Banished to the planet Kolob.
6) Sarah Palin
Charges: An ideologically abhorrent dunce whose answer to everything—caribou, wolves, Julian Assange, feminism, science, decency, accountability, the English language, Democratic incumbents—is to shoot it dead. From conspiring to advance her ham-legged, clopping daughter on “Dancing with the Stars” to successfully endorsing a slew of faux-revolutionary Tea Party imbeciles, she’s a persistent, violent rash on the entire body politic.
Aggravating factor: “But obviously, we’ve got to stand with our North Korean allies.”
Sentence: Shot in the head by a bear.
5) Don Blankenship
Charges: A coal baron of such cartoon villainy, he makes Lex Luthor seem an incompetent hack. As CEO of Massey Energy, it’s Don’s legal obligation to cut every corner and maximize profits—profits he then uses to bankroll his own candidates, slander incumbent judges as pedo-lovers, and throw nightmarish mountaintop removal parties featuring Ted Nugent. The death of 29 at the Upper Big Branch mine explosion in April left Blankenship less remorseful than combative, as Massey actually blamed the Mine Safety & Health Administration’s new ventilation requirements. This is despite the fact that Blankenship once sent out a company memo that read, “If any of you have been asked by your group presidents, your supervisors, engineers or anyone else to do anything other than run coal (i.e., build overcasts, do construction jobs, or whatever) you need to ignore them and run coal.” But in a way it is the MSHA’s fault; it’s simply cheaper for corporate criminals like Massey to pay the occasional million dollar fine than it is to ensure the safety of its workers. It’s just smart business.
Aggravating factor: “Most people wouldn’t believe that coal is the most important thing to the environment.”
Sentence: Crushed under a short ton of coal.
4) Justices Alito, Kennedy, Roberts, Scalia and Thomas
Charges: Their majority opinion in Citizens United v. FEC was the worst decision since Scalia instituted SCOTUS Hot Pants Fridays. In lifting a century-long restriction on corporate campaign spending, the Justices flouted a firmly-ingrained precedent and finally provided examples of the nefarious and mythical “Activist Judge.” The original case dealt with the very narrow issue of whether Citizen’s hit-piece/documentary Hillary: The Movie was “electioneering communication” under McCain-Feingold. A district court panel ruled that it was and, hence, could be regulated. Citizens appealed, and the Roberts court took it upon itself to hear the case and inexplicably broaden its scope into a corporate free-speech issue. This is the very definition of “legislating from the bench” and ensures our elections will be dominated by well-funded Swift Boating for the foreseeable future. If democracy was an experiment, this case blew up the lab.
Aggravating factor: “I will remember that it’s my job to call balls and strikes and not to pitch or bat.” -Chief Justice Roberts
Sentence: Bitch-slapped by Judge Joe Brown. But, no, seriously, they should reverse that decision. It’s not good.
3) David J. Lesar – Halliburton CEO
Charges: Although his company’s moved its HQ to Dubai, he’s the kind of capitalist malefactor only America could tolerate. Halliburton charges U.S. taxpayers $45 for a six-pack of Coke in Iraq and $100 for a load of laundry, and its subsidiary KBR’s shoddy shower wiring has electrocuted soldiers to death. Like some crooked home contractor writ enormous, Halliburton knowingly provided cheap, faulty cement for the Deep Water Horizon and just hoped no one would notice. We noticed, asshole.
Aggravating factor: “Will things go wrong? Sure they will; it’s a war zone. But when they do, we’ll fix it. We always have. … We’re serving our troops because of what we know, not who we know.”
Sentence: Top kill, bottom kill, just killed.
2) David & Charles Koch
Charges: In a land filthy with noxious liars, these two are the filthiest. Their dad founded the ridiculous John Birch Society which claimed fluoridated tap water was a Communist mind-control plot—while his company built oil refineries for Stalin. And they’ve not fallen far from the despicable hypocrite tree. Koch Industries, the second biggest privately-held company in the country, generates its annual $98 billion in profits from coal mining, stealing oil from Indian reservations, refining and piping Canadian tar sands oil, and every other clear-cut, mountaintop-removing environmental abomination under the sun. How they make money is dirty; how they spend it is dirtier. From free-market-humping think tanks CATO and Heartland to Tea Party-backing Americans for Prosperity and Freedom Works, they invest vulgar amounts of money in misappropriating populist rage and misinforming the ignorant masses on climate change, tax reform, environmental policy, health care, and any other issue that could cut into their fat bottom line.
Aggravating factor: In a philanthropy-meets-disinformation masterstroke, the Smithsonian’s new $15 million David H. Koch Hall of Human Origins is a climate change whitewash, which teaches that destroying our environment is no big deal because we can just adapt and evolve.
Sentence: Fed to the Kraken.
1) You
Charges: Your brain’s been cobbled together over millions of years of blind evolution and it shows. You’re clumsy, stupid, weak and motivated by the basest of urges. Your MO is both grotesquely selfish and unquestionably deferential to questionable authority. You’re not in control of your life. You wear your ignorance like a badge of honor and gleefully submit to oppression, malfeasance and kleptocracy. You will buy anything. You will believe anything. You believe that evolution is a matter of belief. You likely scrolled down to #1, without reading the rest, because you’re an impatient, semi-literate Philistine who’s either unable or unwilling to digest more than 140 characters at a time. You think Epic Beard Man is a national hero and that Bradley Manning might be Eli and Payton’s brother. You believe in American exceptionalism despite the contrary, compelling and overwhelming evidence. You tacitly partake in all manner of atrocity without batting a lash. You’re actively participating in our species’ extinction and you’re either in denial or you just don’t give a shit. You escape into every sort of mind-numbing distraction and ridiculous, convoluted fantasy, so you don’t have to face the bitter, terrifying fact that your life is utterly meaningless.
Aggravating factors: The careers of Rush Limbaugh, Oprah Winfrey, John Stossel and Justin Bieber; the success of The Secret, “Medium” and Atlas Shrugged; the election of Rand Paul; the existence of Kentucky, Texas and “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”
Sentence: Bad teeth, an affinity for afternoon tea and the guilt-plagued, nostalgic psyche of a fallen empire.
