Adding a third into your relationship: for fun or commitment?

Discuss!

Today, I was chatting with a new friend and we were discussing different variations on this theme. It seemed to be a good topic for a thread in which we can, once again, draw upon one another's experience and opinions to address some rather sensitive issues.

A D/s relationship in which a second sub is introduced can be a very volatile thing, or perhaps a wonderful thing?

What are your thoughts?

Has anyone participated in a scene with two subs?

Has anyone considered a poly relationship?

Pros?

Cons?

In fact, there are many non D/s relationships in which a third partner is desired and/or obtained. Any input would be welcome.

My partner and I have discussed the poly issue. Not because we wish to invite another into our play but because all of our friends (five couples) did at one point. Now, none of them are together. We tried to figure our if the problem is what brought the third party in or if the third party caused the problems. We have no answers and they aren't talking. What we saw from the outside was the third party wanting more than was offered such as being primary in the relationship. Ugly situations.

In theory we support the premise that no one person can meet another persons needs. People are multi faceted. We also believe that monogamy is not "natural". It is more of a religious conscript.

So here we sit with all of these open minded ideas not wanting to share each other with someone else at this time. Our thing is that we have never found someone who could add to what we already have. We have discussed it at length and left it open for the chance we may find someone someday as the idea, in theory, does appeal to us on some level.

As I can't speak from experience, only theory, it would be my guess that it would take a very very strong relationship with two very secure people
to handle such an arrangement and that the third party would have to respect the boundaries of the primary couple. This is where consentual would really have to be important.

Jusy my .02.

I dont think a third person is a wise idea. It is hard enough trying to keep two people together (be it a d/s relationship or not) that adding a third is just asking for trouble.

No matter how the third is intoduced,there will always be troubles. I dont think I could be strong enough to handle another sub in my relationship,nor do I think I could do it in a "regular" one either.

Master and i have discussed, at length, the prospect of bringing another female sub into our relationship.Once my initial fears and jealousies were adressed and overcome, we started to look for the "right" woman.

Once we found her, the three of us spent many hours talking before any in person meeting was planned. We discussed limits, boundaries, roles, and what each of us hoped to gain from this relationship. We did everything that we could think of to make this a rewarding experience for us all. Or so we thought.

After several meeting with Master and i, this second sub decided that being second was not what she wanted at all. She felt she needed to be the primary sub to her own Master. For these feeling, i don't fault her. However, she went about this in a very deceitful and hurtful manner. She leid to both of us and abused our friendship, as well as the trust we had placed in her.

While i do believe that a poly-relationship can work and be beneficial to everyone involved, it will be quite some time before i am ready to try again.

HotXBunz said:

As I can't speak from experience, only theory, it would be my guess that it would take a very very strong relationship with two very secure people
to handle such an arrangement and that the third party would have to respect the boundaries of the primary couple. This is where consentual would really have to be important.

Jusy my .02.

Click to expand...

Yes! I believe that is what I said to my friend. The couple must be comfortable and stable in their own relationship before introducing a third.

To my way of thinking, someone who would want to be a third in such a relationship in order to enhance the Dom and "alpha sub's" relationship, would be a special person, indeed.

I found one such person. She hoped to be, what she termed, a "domestic sub." She would be loyale to the sub in the relationship and if the sub directed her to serve "Master", she would do so. Her plan was to pamper, care for and play with the sub.

lovetoread: another great point! As with any D/s practice, we all have different wants and needs. Poly just isn't a feasible choice for some. It is good of you to be aware of that fact as you obviously have given the matter some thought.


Jester's Girl: You, my friend, share a wonderful relationship with Him and I have watched as you travel this journey. You and He have a wonderful and healthy attitude towards poly as well as towards meeting one another's needs. *hugs to you and Him*


NOTE: For the record, this thread is not about me personally. It was intended simply as a conversation piece. It has nothing to do with my previous thread concerning ex Dom's wedding etc.

And now back to our regularly schedule programming!

I have a very close female friend with whom I share a lasting bond and strong attraction. As a bisexual, while I am completely satisfied with hubby, and don't even tend to notice other men, I still find myself attracted to women. After flirting, then getting drunk and making out with her in front of him (at his instigation), the three of us sat down for a long, sincere talk.

She's a mildly submissive but definitely not masochistic woman from a very strict Lutheran background. She has long felt bisexual leanings but been hesitant to act on them for a variety of reason. Hubby and I were then six and a half years into our relationship, and had become comfortable enough and secure enough in our bond () to consider the dynamics of a third. So, we set up some ground rules, safe signals (more for personal comfort than any actual need for "safety" concern), and did a lot more talking.

She joined us in many things, and joined us in bed twice before getting involved in a new relationship of her own, and leaving our polysexual relationship behind. In the moment, while it was all very fun & exciting, it was very difficult to keep emotionally balanced. Hubby & I felt kind of like we were being unfair to her, as much of the eye contact and emotional connection was between me & him. On the other hand, her strongest link is also to me, which left hubby and her feeling somewhat uncomfortable in their interactions. Also, while I'm a stereotypically jealous Scorpio, the jealousy factor didn't come from me--it was actually from her, as she felt the bond betwwen me & him, and felt kinda left out of it. She left our three-way relationship somewhat abruptly, after I had helped her prepare for her first date with the new boy, and it was difficult to adjust, as there were mild feelings of alienation all around.

There has been strain on our mutual friendships (though never between MasterMe and myself), but we've all come through it--friends with an unusual and secret bond. I think the main reason we were able to stay friends is because there was so much communication and discussion, and nobody was allowed to slink away with feelings that they didn't discuss. I don't know if I'd go there again, but I'm not sorry that we did. All three of us learned a lot about ourselves, our relationships to each other, and our limits.

My story, for what it's worth.

RS

I know of only one such relationship that has worked over a long period of time. That is a Domme with 2 male submissives. I have known a great many situations where a couple took in temporary thirds, often by way of "training" in which all parties were happy with the arrangement on a short term basis, but that's about it. I would say from what I know that the odds against multiple submissive relationships succeeding over a long term are awful long.

Been there

I have lived in many poly situations.
After my tour in VN I came back and my than wife and iO lived a communes several times.

{They say old soldiers and old hippies never dy they just smell that way...what does that make someone who has been both]

IO have lived in three way marrages twice.

Here is what I think I have learned.....
1) the 2 parties of the same sex must be bi
2) one of the two of the same sex must be alpha
3) you all have to share a core belief
4) it is emotional hell when one leaves if there is not closure

I am sure I have learned more but this is what pops up at the moment

Richard

While I am not currently in a poly-relationship that is considered a threesome, Hubby and I are poly, and are currently in seperate Vee situations.

We've been married for over 12 years, together for 15. We opened our marriage 3 years ago. This was after a good 2 years of discussion about the lifestyle, what we wanted, what we hoped to gain, etc.

Our original long term goal was to find another male and female, seperate or a couple that we could bring into our household permanently. We knew that it would take a long time to even find such people, and for the relationships to get to a level where it could progress to our goal.

We are currently exploring those issues, and as I said, we both have people that we are dating.

When I got into poly, I did a lot of research online. There is a wonderful forum called www.lovemore.com. Great place to get info on poly, and the different kinds of poly style relationships out there. There is also a great book called "The Ethical Slut." Funny name, but a wonderful book that talks about the ethics of being with multiple people, in all situations. It talks mostly about the emotions dealing in those situations. I highly recommend it.

Thank you, all, for sharing your input.

I would have to agree with the underlying, sometimes "bat you over the head " with it message.

The couple needs to be secure in their relationship.

Communication is a must.

I like what Richard said about all having common goals. Very true. One person with an alternate agenda could cause no end of difficulties and hurt.

Thank you, pipercatt for so eloquently sharing your story and the link as well.

How might you integrate that person into your family?
How might you negotiate the relevant issues?
How might you find a like minded individual?

MissTaken said:

Thank you, all, for sharing your input.

*snip for brevity*

Thank you, pipercatt for so eloquently sharing your story and the link as well.

How might you integrate that person into your family?
How might you negotiate the relevant issues?
How might you find a like minded individual?

Click to expand...

Your welcome, Miss Taken. I am not sure if you were directing those questions to me, or everyone, but I'll answer as best i can. Bare with me, I haven't slept tonite. LOL.

My husband's other love of the moment is a friend of the family. She and I have become very close friends as well. Those in my extended family who are aware of our situation are happy for all of us. There are those in the family that don't know of our situation, and think that Hubby's love just likes hanging around our house a lot. I don't feel compelled to tell everyone, and we all agree that there are some things that no one needs to know about.

Negotiating relevant issues? Right now, our one of our most relevant issue is where to meet our other loves when the mood hits us. Hotel rooms can get expensive, and we only have one large bed in our house. If we ask to occupy it with our secondaries, where does the spouse go? We have a twin bed in the guest bedroom, and trust me, we've all had our turns on that. We talk, we compromise, we talk more...it's not always easy, but everyone knows that we are all just muddling through best we can, and no one's looking to hurt anyone in any of the relationships.

It's not easy to find like-minded individuals. Hubster has the short end of the stick, because it is very difficult for women to believe there is a kind, sensitive man out there who is married, and has the blessings of his wife to find other people to date and have relationships. I think I have had it a lot easier to find men that are open to being in a secondary relationship with a married woman.

Again, this is all my history, and may not sit well with others. Just sharing what I've experienced....

be well, everyone...

Communications

MissTaken said:

Thank you, all, for sharing your input.


I like what Richard said about all having common goals. Very true. One person with an alternate agenda could cause no end of difficulties and hurt.

How might you integrate that person into your family?
How might you negotiate the relevant issues?
How might you find a like minded individual?

Click to expand...

Let me comment on your questions in reverse.

Those of us that are into BDSM D/s have the same problem that we do in finding a Dom or sub.........to me at lest it is not easy.....

Negotiatiating the issues require communications on two levels
1) talk and more talk
2) experencing things together

The biggest problem is jealiousy.....the soluations to this I have posted in previous post in this thread.

[ this herb specilist still drinks a little coffee and my pot broke this mornning....ggggrrrrrrr]

Intergrating them inot the family....WOW !!!!
Both of my major threesome "marrages"
1) did not include children
2) one we lived far from other family but I was a minister
3) the other people thought she was a roomate

Richard

what a wonderful and complex thing

I've done the poly thing a few times...and it hasn't work. Why why why I've asked myself since I agree with earlier comments made...specifically that one person alone can take care of all our needs. I hang out with a lot of people who are or have been poly at some point. What I have figured out over the years...

*you must be VERY secure in yourself, your sex appeal and your skin before going into a poly relationship. although this would be good advice to anyone in any relationship it becomes ten times more important when you add that tricky third dynamic. If you spend a lot of time wondering what the other two are doing or if the central person (I have only been in relationships where there was a central male and several women) is paying more attention to someone else.

*You must be VERY clear in the rules, and how you feel about them. If you don't understand them they'll overshadow everything.

*You can't be the posessive jealous type. This was the hardest for me to deal with. Secure, check. Rules, check...but hey, he complimented her and not me! I have only recently come to a point where I would be not only okay, but happy in a poly relationship, and I can't help but think it has more to do with my unwillingness to devote all of my time and effort to one person...the idea of sharing him or her is very appealing.

*and last but not least...know your partners! Talk about it until you're blue in the face and then talk some more...talk about it until you're sick of talking about it...and if you both still want to, THAT is the time to act on it.

---my two cents worth

Wow! Thanks all for your candor.

When I started this, I was looking for food for thought. I do believe I found the all-you-can-eat buffet!


Seriously, there is much to consider with poly.

Piper? Do you and your SO ever play together with your other loves?

Just curious. It sounds as though you have a great relationship.

I once got ot know someone who alleged he was in an open marriage. His wife was active with other partners. For him, he couldn't follow through and I was happy with that. We became great friends.

Ultimately, the marriage ended and we ended up dating as single folks do.

"Seriously, there is much to consider with poly.

Piper? Do you and your SO ever play together with your other loves?

Just curious. It sounds as though you have a great relationship."

I am glad that you like the thread, Miss Taken. I am enjoying it as well.

As of yet, we haven't played together with a 3rd. Not that we wouldn't, it just hasn't come up yet. We are still feeling our way in getting our vees in order.

We are enjoying what is happening in our lives now, and I hope that it continues to be as wonderful as it has been so far.

[No message]

Hello all... I attempted to post a few days ago, and lost my nerve. I have been reading your posts and comments on this board for a few weeks, and now feel I can trust the advice you give. I hope you will not mind me (a newcomer) asking for advice on this subject.
Ok, here goes..First, let me say that I have never experienced being submissive, r/l, although I have in the past, "role played" it, and found it to be very satisfying. I met a Dom online back in Jan. We have talked online for hours upon hours day after day. We have also met in person, a few times.. Ok, here is the dilemma... Yes, He is a Master, with 1 collared slave already, and is open to accepting others. I have been reading books upon books about everything to do with this lifestyle, and coming to discussion boards like this one, to figure out if this is the type of lifestyle that I want.
I have come to trust this gentle, patient, humurous man, and I believe He is the One that I feel I can submit my whole being to. I was just wanting some input from anyone out there, that maybe has been "inexperienced" and has joined a committed relationship such as this.. I'm very nervous about feeling like the "3rd wheel". Can anyone relate?? Thank you in advance for your replies..

very nervous

SierraMoon said:

I'm very nervous about feeling like the "3rd wheel". Can anyone relate?? Thank you in advance for your replies..

Click to expand...

They are very nervous also.

There are lots of questions that you all need to look at......
1) are you and the othe woman bi
2) do the two of you get along
3) what process do you all have to deal with problems and issues
especially jealiousy
4) what are everyones expecations
5) who is Alpha female...does that make her the dom of the other female

The list goes on........however it can be summed up with
"are and can the three of you communicate...really communicate"

Sometimes this can be done in part by playing together with NO committment........

Richard
PS: Remember if that Dom is mentally healthy he is going to be very nervous also.

Thank you so much for replying to my post, Richard.. I am a fellow Michiganian!! In answer to all your questions..

First off, let me say that they have been "burned" in the past by others, and so, yes, I know that they are being very careful in considering me as an addition to their lives.

1) I was in a relationship with a woman for 6 years, so I have no problems with being with one again.. and I believe she is bi also.

2) She has been present at all the r/l meetings, and we have gotten along very well.

3) Not sure how we would deal with problems, because none have come up as of yet.. most of my dealings have been with Him, as far as me telling Him my insecurities, etc. I have no doubts that He and I would get along famously. I just don't want to cause any friction with her, and He has assured me that that would not happen.

4) As far as expectations, I believe that we are all on the same page.. atleast He and I are.. I have told Him that I feel He is the one I want to serve in my future. And, He has accepted this as a possibility.

5) As far as an Alpha female, I'm not exactly sure what that is, (sorry, my inexperience is showing).

The 2 of them have a very strong bond, and I guess what I am nervous about, is that I will be entering an already established "family" and that is very nerve racking. I want to fit into their lives, without disrupting it.

And, as far as the Dom being mentally healthy, yes, He knows exactly what He wants, but is being very cautious as I've stated earlier.

I appreciate your input, and thank you for replying. I would also like to hear from others that may have been in my situation in the past. Take care All, and I LOVE this Board!!

Welcome to lit, Sierra Moon.

It sounds as though you have some exciting and apprenhensive days ahead of you.

I can only *ditto* Richard and add that is sounds as though you are entering into this with eyes wide open. Continue to read, ask questions, collect information and communicate with the Dom/sub.

In a healthy relationship, you should not feel as though you are a third wheel. Everyone should have their role and their place in one and another's heart/psyche/whatever.

Being cognizant of your own feelings, needs and goals would be the first step and openly sharing them, the second.

I would have a discussion with them about conflict resolution. How would a problem be solved?

I have practical experience. but when W/we were discussing and researching the possibilities, we discussed the negative impact of in fighting and manipulation. (My fears from adding another member to the equation had a lot to do with these issues. ) We decided that conflicts would be solved as a team, the three of us meeting and His word final. Of course

Good luck and be well adn I am sorry for not responding sooner. I saw the first post....non post and didn't realize you had returned. I am glad you did.

Hello MissTaken, and thank you for welcoming me. Yes, I am considering this life altering decision, with much care and consideration. Not only for myself, but for them as well. I do not want to jump into this, and then decide that it is not for me. That would have been a waste of my time, and theirs. I have read a couple books "The Loving Dominant" and "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", to try to get a better grip on what this lifestyle is, and what is expected. Now, I just need to discuss with Him, the fine tuned aspects of what it is He is looking for. Everyone on this board has been an exceptional help to me, without their even knowing. I continue to look for websites, and read any kind of literature I can find, to help in my ultimate decision. He has offered to let me speak freely with His slave, to maybe help me to understand the lifestyle aspect of it further. I think speaking with her will help both of us, in understanding what we are looking for, and also opening up an avenue for trust between the 2 of us also. Up til now, whenever we have met, it has been the 3 of us, together, (strictly platonic, of course) and it has been mainly He and I doing much of the talking. The 3 of us have not actually talked in depth about the possibility of my joining their lives, those discussions have been between He and I, and with me trusting that He is talking with her about it. So, there is where my insecurities lie.. I'm not sure how she feels about the whole situation, with specific regards to introducing me into their household. I trust that He will make the right decision, concerning all of us.
Thanks again for your reply, and I hope I'm not taking up too much space on this thread, talking about my problems. If so, please forgive me. Take care!!

Sierra, I am happy that you are posting here. You should get all kinds of insight, and I hope it helps.

I can only speak for poly side of your issue, and my advice is that if you have been given permission to speak freely with your pontential master's slave, take advantage of it. You need to know what all three of you feel, and frankly, I don't think you will be comfortable going in without having a heart to heart with the other female. And no one will be comfortable in the beginning, it's all an adjustment. Communication and honesty are so important, in the beginning and during on going relationships, no matter what flavor they are. it's been my experience that people in the lifestyle are more apt to commincate fully with their partners than people that aren't.

Good luck to you! keep those questions coming..

Thank you, Piper for your insight... I agree fully that it is a good idea for her and I to have a "heart to heart", but I will not do that, til I know exactly what He has said to her about everything. I truly believe that her and I could be great friends, as we have the same type personality. She is very witty, and easy going. I really do hope everything works out. As I said, they share a very strong bond, and I believe I would be very fortunate to be a part of that. In everything that I have read, about "the Ideal Dominant", I've noticed myself nodding my head, because He fits everything that I've read. He has been a very solid source of information for me, answering my many, many questions with patience, and honesty. I feel I am truly lucky to have found Him.
Thank you all for welcoming me into this forum, I appreciate you taking time to give me your advice, and hope to continue to hear from you all. Be well.

SierraMoon,

Use all the thread space you like! We learn from one another's experiences, we glory in one another's happinesses and provide comfort during difficult times.

I find that I learn more about myself when considering how to respond or even whether to respond to a thread or post.

There is no road map for a thread at lit!


Be well and enjoy !