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A Dom's responsibilities

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CookingDom

Top, middle, bottom?
Joined
Nov 10, 2010
Posts
119
Whether you are an online Dom with a hoard of virtual trolls/sock puppets/submissives, or a real life Dom who simply uses this site, and sites like it must be understood that you have a duty of care to the submissives you speak to.

A recent thread I decided to amuse myself with involved a sub who was obviously in some kind of mental state that meant being involved on these forums in the way that was perhaps not in her best interests.

Whether she was brainwashed into her state of mind or simply someone with no grasp of the essence of D/s, if a Dom takes on a sub for whatever reason, whether a few
hours/days of wank fodder or something more, then he has a responsibility to see it through.

This sub clearly needed help, not necessarily medically, but certainly from the Dom who lit the fuse by having her post on here.

When she was being ridiculed (yes by me too), he chose to stay away and wait until the thread had grown, only to come back to defend and distance himself rather than show that he cared about the sub in question.

If you begin 'dominating' a submissive, even more so with a newbie, have the balls to see it through instead of dropping him/her the minute she doesn't fit in with your 'standards'.

This sub was memoing other Doms, myself included, expressing concern that she couldn't get hold of him but believing everything these doms were telling her. In one memo to me, she was upset at not being able to set up a checking account?? Why would a sub be setting up a checking account 3 days into serving a dom?

When it became apparent this person was not 'all there' the dom should have done the decent thing and took her to one side and got her to understand exactly what she was doing and how it has nothing to do with D/s - instead of exploiting her.

I just hope that other potential subs see the threads like those on here and see them for what they are,
and see the doms for what they aren't.

It's scary enough for anyone new beginning their journey into submission, especially when most of what they see online while researching are either the extremes of the lifestyle that they will probably never experience, or the results of years of commitment between an established Dom and sub couple.
How about we welcome them to the lifestyle and actually think about what THEY are going through and not be complete cunts and abuse the position of trust they have bestowed on us.
 
Another point

At the essence of D/s there is an agreement that the submissive will allow the dominate to act as their will. They accept that for however long or short that interaction lasts that the dominate will act as their guide and will substitute their choices, wants and wishes for the submissive’s own. That agreement creates a bond between the submissive and the dominate because the submissive in that situation allows him or herself to be vulnerable (whether emotionally or physically). Submission is a gift and it should be respected as such. It is not a toy to be played with and then cast aside when it becomes inconvenient.
 
How about we welcome them to the lifestyle and actually think about what THEY are going through and not be complete cunts and abuse the position of trust they have bestowed on us.


:kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss:
thankyou so much for saying this
 
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Bravo and well stated. Thank you for stating what is obvious to those of us that have experience not only in BDSM, but in online sites such as this. While I am fairly new to these forums, I have been on similar sites on and off for a decade. Sadly, scenarios such as the one referenced are all too common and do untold damage to many.
 
CookingDom said:
Whether you are an online Dom with a hoard of virtual trolls/sock puppets/submissives, or a real life Dom who simply uses this site, and sites like it must be understood that you have a duty of care to the submissives you speak to.

A recent thread I decided to amuse myself with involved a sub who was obviously in some kind of mental state that meant being involved on these forums in the way that was perhaps not in her best interests.

Whether she was brainwashed into her state of mind or simply someone with no grasp of the essence of D/s, if a Dom takes on a sub for whatever reason, whether a few
hours/days of wank fodder or something more, then he has a responsibility to see it through.

This sub clearly needed help, not necessarily medically, but certainly from the Dom who lit the fuse by having her post on here.

When she was being ridiculed (yes by me too), he chose to stay away and wait until the thread had grown, only to come back to defend and distance himself rather than show that he cared about the sub in question.

If you begin 'dominating' a submissive, even more so with a newbie, have the balls to see it through instead of dropping him/her the minute she doesn't fit in with your 'standards'.

This sub was memoing other Doms, myself included, expressing concern that she couldn't get hold of him but believing everything these doms were telling her. In one memo to me, she was upset at not being able to set up a checking account?? Why would a sub be setting up a checking account 3 days into serving a dom?

When it became apparent this person was not 'all there' the dom should have done the decent thing and took her to one side and got her to understand exactly what she was doing and how it has nothing to do with D/s - instead of exploiting her.

I just hope that other potential subs see the threads like those on here and see them for what they are,
and see the doms for what they aren't.

It's scary enough for anyone new beginning their journey into submission, especially when most of what they see online while researching are either the extremes of the lifestyle that they will probably never experience, or the results of years of commitment between an established Dom and sub couple.
How about we welcome them to the lifestyle and actually think about what THEY are going through and not be complete cunts and abuse the position of trust they have bestowed on us.
Click to expand...
Well, that door swings both ways. I don't think anybody was being hateful any more than these subbies were raving about the best master that ever was, not listening to any reason. Granted, after a while, both sides were a bit over the top.

If they are going to listen to anybody here, welcome or not, they must understand that their "master" is probably not the best master that ever was, but just another run of the mill dude looking for some ass. They are all over the Internet.

And the dom...he could be a little less of an ass. His arrogant and obstinate ways ring true in this post. Someone who takes on so many subs, online or not, can't be putting enough energy into any of them, emotionally. Until those subs realize his lack of basic lifestyle knowledge, they will continue to follow him, probably until they get hurt.
 
Thank You

What a very helpful post. In the past few months, I've become more interested in the lifestyle, but I have yet to find the courage of my convictions and actually do something about it. I use this site and a couple of others, and have done some exploration in a very minor way in online scenarios.

I'm an educated woman, and I've *coughs* been round the block, so I don't consider myself particularly vulnerable, but even so I've been surprised, and a little shocked, to find how scary some of the people involved can make this.

Fortunately, I'm not afraid to say "Sorry, thanks, but this isn't for me" but I don't think everyone is the same. We need to remember that (on the majority of occasions) there are real people in these little boxes with real feelings, and treat them accordingly

K x
 
I have always found the people on this site to be helpful, informative and respectful. I see newbies directed to helpful books and sites to further their education. Even the initial posts from "the pack" were treated with courteous, BUT FIRM, replies.

The real people in little boxes cannot expect to continue to receive a warm welcome when they insult the household, shout twaddle, IGNORE the host and hostesses requests and make a general nuisance of themselves.

Face it... there is protocol for new members to the lifestyle to follow in real life... why would it be any different online?
 
Jaded_One said:
Face it... there is protocol for new members to the lifestyle to follow in real life... why would it be any different online?
Click to expand...

Not just protocol and not just the lifestyle, it's just common sense in any new relationship. It seems people online open up to far more that they would in real life and I suppose the best way to question what you were doing is what if a friend of yours was doing what you are, what would you be saying to them right now? When you are involved in something, its difficult to see it from the perspective of an outsider looking in.
 
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CookingDom said:
Not just protocol and not just the lifestyle, it's just common sense in any new relationship. It seems people online open up to far more that they would in real life and I suppose the best way to question what you were doing is what if a friend of yours was doing what you are, what would you be saying to them right now?
Click to expand...


I'm not being trying to be snarky when I ask... what? Could you please clarify what you meant?
:)
 
DVS said:
Well, that door swings both ways. I don't think anybody was being hateful any more than these subbies were raving about the best master that ever was, not listening to any reason. Granted, after a while, both sides were a bit over the top.

If they are going to listen to anybody here, welcome or not, they must understand that their "master" is probably not the best master that ever was, but just another run of the mill dude looking for some ass. They are all over the Internet.
Click to expand...

YES! ya know I can't check everyones profile before responding to a thread but after I read her personal ad (and long after she had gone through all my lit posts) I saw that her age was 18 and felt a little bad, but not like she was listening to anyone anyway.
18, then again it could be some bored guy in a mid life crisis in his parents basement. Wouldn't surprise me a bit
 
While I understand the point the OP is trying to make, (and I believe his/her intentions are honourable), unfortunately I feel it just reinforces a stereotype that does no one any favours. Specifically, that of the poor, helpless, (generally female) pyl.

Subs, pyls, bottoms, etc, have a duty of care to themselves. Just because I fall into the lowercase letter category, doesn't mean I am absolved of responsibility for my own well being. I am fully capable of recognizing and avoiding people who would be harmful to me, as everyone, pyl or PYL should be. Sure, you might get your feelings trampled on a few times before you learn the lesson but that's how it works.

We all have a responsibility to treat ourselves and others with respect.
 
Keroin said:
While I understand the point the OP is trying to make, (and I believe his/her intentions are honourable), unfortunately I feel it just reinforces a stereotype that does no one any favours. Specifically, that of the poor, helpless, (generally female) pyl.

Subs, pyls, bottoms, etc, have a duty of care to themselves. Just because I fall into the lowercase letter category, doesn't mean I am absolved of responsibility for my own well being. I am fully capable of recognizing and avoiding people who would be harmful to me, as everyone, pyl or PYL should be. Sure, you might get your feelings trampled on a few times before you learn the lesson but that's how it works.

We all have a responsibility to treat ourselves and others with respect.
Click to expand...
If my sig block weren't so jam packed with *other* important information, I think I'd add this statement to it. And besides, I'm lazy. :rolleyes: And besides, Keroin said it. It should go in HER sig block.
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
If my sig block weren't so jam packed with *other* important information, I think I'd add this statement to it. And besides, I'm lazy. :rolleyes: And besides, Keroin said it. It should go in HER sig block.
Click to expand...

:kiss:

I've decided the current sig line stays as is until my novel finds a publisher.

Or I die.

No telling which will come first. ;)
 
This probably won't be popular, but what the hell?

We all have responsibilities not to be idiots. If we ignore that responsibility, it's at our peril...and if it backfires in our faces, we've really no one to blame but ourselves 'cause we were just asking for it.
 
BiBunny said:
This probably won't be popular, but what the hell?

We all have responsibilities not to be idiots. If we ignore that responsibility, it's at our peril...and if it backfires in our faces, we've really no one to blame but ourselves 'cause we were just asking for it.
Click to expand...

I agree with you, but I think that it doesn't absolve other people of the responsibility not to be massive abusive douchebags either.

In the end, we're responsible for ourselves.

But you know what? We're also responsible for not fucking up other people, too.
 
Have I missed something, or is there decent evidence that all of those "subbies" were real people, distinct and separate from the person who eventually showed up under the sinpain name?

I'd have been very, very skeptical of any PMs that emanated from that batch of posters.

While I appreciate the sincerity of the OP, I am of the we're all responsible for ourselves camp and no, the dominant does not have a disproportionate amount of the responsibility for any relationship with a submissive or bottom-y partner.
 
great post

kudos to the OP, we all have responsibilities for our actions... while as some posted, we need to watch out for ourselves, that doesn't mean as a community we should not look out for each other and make sure we consider how our actions impact others... I am always happy to see these posts that remind us we should look out for those who are in turmoil... this is not a stereotype, everyone's situation is different and some genuinely seek help. Thanks.
 
bhndblueyes88 said:
I agree with you, but I think that it doesn't absolve other people of the responsibility not to be massive abusive douchebags either.

In the end, we're responsible for ourselves.

But you know what? We're also responsible for not fucking up other people, too.
Click to expand...

I agree with that, too. We've all got the responsibility of being decent human beings. Unfortunately, a lot of people shirk it, so that's where the being responsible for ourselves part comes in, I suppose.

As with everything else, though, the people who most need to hear and understand that are the ones who are the least likely to do so.
 
subtle_Dom said:
...this is not a stereotype, everyone's situation is different and some genuinely seek help. Thanks.
Click to expand...

Of course everyone's situation is different. However, I have yet to see one thread here dedicated to those poor, naive, fragile (usually male) PYL's.

Yet I'm sure, if you asked, more than one PYL here has been taken in, exploited, abused, stalked, or otherwise harmed by a pyl.

We expect PYL's to cowboy up and take care of themselves, we don't have the same (general) expectations of pyl's.

That's the stereotype. It exists.

Of course, I agree that we should help anyone who genuinely seeks help. I just don't think that we need to place any qualifiers on who the helpers/helpees are. And, ultimately, we are all responsible for ourselves. Though "being responsible" could very well mean "genuinely seeking help".
 
Jaded_One said:
Face it... there is protocol for new members to the lifestyle to follow in real life... why would it be any different online?
Click to expand...

Exactly. The so-called people (and I really think it's a person, not people) posting were treated courteously and politely asked not to unconsetually involve us in their relationships. There are several pages of this, and he/they chose not to listen. So we're left with two option, a troll, or someone who doesn't care what people think or feel about his actions (that would qualify him as a ... sociopath?). I prefer to think troll, but who knows? Either way, there is protocol in any social group - things that can be done and things that can't be done. If you step on the toes of those people, you shouldn't be surprised to be greeted, at the very least, coldly and most likely with hostility.

Keroin said:
While I understand the point the OP is trying to make, (and I believe his/her intentions are honourable), unfortunately I feel it just reinforces a stereotype that does no one any favours. Specifically, that of the poor, helpless, (generally female) pyl.

Subs, pyls, bottoms, etc, have a duty of care to themselves. Just because I fall into the lowercase letter category, doesn't mean I am absolved of responsibility for my own well being. I am fully capable of recognizing and avoiding people who would be harmful to me, as everyone, pyl or PYL should be. Sure, you might get your feelings trampled on a few times before you learn the lesson but that's how it works.

We all have a responsibility to treat ourselves and others with respect.
Click to expand...

I just quoted this cause it's such an awesome post.

midwestyankee said:
Have I missed something, or is there decent evidence that all of those "subbies" were real people, distinct and separate from the person who eventually showed up under the sinpain name?

I'd have been very, very skeptical of any PMs that emanated from that batch of posters.
Click to expand...

Me, too. This troll isn't very original - we've had trolls like him/her before. That everyone, but the 'dom' has a brand new profile makes me even more suspicious, and the dom's reaction even more so.

Here's what I think is going on. The 'dom' wants to get himself an online harem, and is having no luck. He started up a couple of profiles of girls who would go online and start talking about their awesome master, then the rest of us were to beg him to be our master. This has been one elaborate personals ad.
 
graceanne said:
Exactly. The so-called people (and I really think it's a person, not people) posting were treated courteously and politely asked not to unconsetually involve us in their relationships. There are several pages of this, and he/they chose not to listen. So we're left with two option, a troll, or someone who doesn't care what people think or feel about his actions (that would qualify him as a ... sociopath?). I prefer to think troll, but who knows? Either way, there is protocol in any social group - things that can be done and things that can't be done. If you step on the toes of those people, you shouldn't be surprised to be greeted, at the very least, coldly and most likely with hostility.



I just quoted this cause it's such an awesome post.



Me, too. This troll isn't very original - we've had trolls like him/her before. That everyone, but the 'dom' has a brand new profile makes me even more suspicious, and the dom's reaction even more so.

Here's what I think is going on. The 'dom' wants to get himself an online harem, and is having no luck. He started up a couple of profiles of girls who would go online and start talking about their awesome master, then the rest of us were to beg him to be our master. This has been one elaborate personals ad.
Click to expand...

I would never consider myself naive, but wow...just wow. It makes sense in a warped way, but that anyone would go to those types of lengths for cybering? *shakes head*
 
Assuming they were real living breathing folk, I doubt they were as stupid, innocent, and naive as stated. They probably got exactly what they came for.
 
Over the years, online, I've come across a few 'catfishes' and you'd be surprised the lengths they'd go to in order to perpetuate the fantasy they started.

I'm pretty sure a lot of you have either seen them or become involved around and when people have pretty much no life and/or very poor social skills it's all to easy to spend their lives weaving these webs.

I'd recommend watching the film 'Catfish'. Even though it's a mockumentary, it is eerily close, if not spot on, when it comes to what people will do online.

Yes we have a duty to look after ourselves and exercise caution and common sense, but some people out there can be very calculating and manipulative cunts, and even the smartest of us get caught out once in a while.
 
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CookingDom said:
Whether you are an online Dom with a hoard of virtual trolls/sock puppets/submissives, or a real life Dom who simply uses this site, and sites like it must be understood that you have a duty of care to the submissives you speak to.

I just hope that other potential subs see the threads like those on here and see them for what they are,
and see the doms for what they aren't.

It's scary enough for anyone new beginning their journey into submission, especially when most of what they see online while researching are either the extremes of the lifestyle that they will probably never experience, or the results of years of commitment between an established Dom and sub couple.
How about we welcome them to the lifestyle and actually think about what THEY are going through and not be complete cunts and abuse the position of trust they have bestowed on us.
Click to expand...



I am fairly new to all this… well a few mouths into it now…
I saw the post you are talking about.
As a sub we want to please and do what is asked of us and sometimes we may think why we are being asked/told to do something, not all are allowed to do so.
What surprised me the most is how everyone was ready to attack and how harshly she was judged.

As I read the thread I felt very bad for her….

This was a good post and I am glad you the time to do it.
 
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