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PrettyLilPussy19 said:
Well hello old friend!!
Here's another breakup question!

Mentally getting over someone -

How do you do it? How long does it take? Are you able to remain friendly or is space essential?

When reminders of someone pop up - do you indulge or do you squash that nostalgia?
Click to expand...

I'd love to thank everyone for their answers! It's been so interesting. Everyone's vulnerability is amazing.

As for me, I think the relationships on Lit have been weirdly the hardest to get over for me so far. I blame that on the online time paradox (one month of online chat = 6 months of real life dating). Getting over people can be brutal and seeing their name pop up can make me just plain itchy. But I think you are all right. Time. Almost more time than you had in the game.

I usually can remain cordial with exes but not friends. I would have to really believe that person wanted that relationship with me and made the effort to prove it. I think the hardest part is watching someone else move on and not at all seem affected by your absence. I don't know if it would be better to know they missed me a little too or more painful but - I'm a curious girlie so, of course, I want to know. hehe...

I'm sentimental when it comes to relationship nostalgia and it can often make me forget all the bad shit. All the disagreements, mean things, times I just plain had to roll my eyes... I usually shoulder a lot of the blame about any break up but it takes two - two to start and two to end.

A place like Lit has been so incredible at showing me how much my heart needs and needs to give but it's also shown me how tenderhearted and mushy I can be. Not traits I necessarily admire. (Weak! my friend would say :D) But I don't know what side of the line I'd rather fall down on. For now I don't have a choice.
 
Losing friends here has been far harder than any romantic or sexual thing.
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
I'd love to thank everyone for their answers! It's been so interesting. Everyone's vulnerability is amazing.

As for me, I think the relationships on Lit have been weirdly the hardest to get over for me so far. I blame that on the online time paradox (one month of online chat = 6 months of real life dating). Getting over people can be brutal and seeing their name pop up can make me just plain itchy. But I think you are all right. Time. Almost more time than you had in the game.

I usually can remain cordial with exes but not friends. I would have to really believe that person wanted that relationship with me and made the effort to prove it. I think the hardest part is watching someone else move on and not at all seem affected by your absence. I don't know if it would be better to know they missed me a little too or more painful but - I'm a curious girlie so, of course, I want to know. hehe...

I'm sentimental when it comes to relationship nostalgia and it can often make me forget all the bad shit. All the disagreements, mean things, times I just plain had to roll my eyes... I usually shoulder a lot of the blame about any break up but it takes two - two to start and two to end.

A place like Lit has been so incredible at showing me how much my heart needs and needs to give but it's also shown me how tenderhearted and mushy I can be. Not traits I necessarily admire. (Weak! my friend would say :D) But I don't know what side of the line I'd rather fall down on. For now I don't have a choice.
Click to expand...

So very well said, and very true for me also. ⚘⚘
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
Well hello old friend!!
Here's another breakup question!

Mentally getting over someone -

How do you do it? How long does it take? Are you able to remain friendly or is space essential? When my wife asked for a divorce, it was like a light switch turned off for me. I felt like the "team" was broken and could never be put back together as soon as I heard her say those words. A few days later she reconsidered and asked if I wanted to keep trying. I told her no chance. It was over. Before she said the words, I was willing. The instant she said the words, it was over. But I was depressed for quite a long time. Mostly about feeling sad for myself, and less about losing her. I wallowed in depression for a few years actually. Every year, instead of going to a New years Eve party, I stayed at home and wrote a prediction for myself for the next year. Usually silly stuff like how much money I'd make in stocks, etc. But I always had one main question.
During at point in the next year, would I go on a date. I'd put % numbers down.
For the first 3 years, I wrote "0%." Then on the 4th year, I remember writing, "25%." That's when I knew I was starting to feel better about myself.

When reminders of someone pop up - do you indulge or do you squash that nostalgia?
Click to expand...
I squash it. it was easy to do. I had the "vision memory" of the last sexual act she ever did for me always floating in my mind. Just before she asked for a divorce (like a day or two) she asked me if she could go down on me. Looking back, I see it was like a test for her and her feelings. When I came, she immediately leaped off the bed and ran to the bathroom sink to spit it all out. She'd never done anything but swallow before.
When I had even the remotest feelings of remorse about divorcing her, that image came back. Made it easier to focus on the now...and not the past.
 
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

I have always liked the idea of a 'debriefing,' but if the other partner is DONE and wanting to break ties, it can actually add to the trauma rather than aid in healing.
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

That totally depends on the nature of the “relationship” if it was something fairly serious then I do want a last words kind of thing, but if it was just something tuna and flirty and they are moving on (or if I am) then I’m good with just parting ways.

I think (or really know for myself) that those debriefings or closure ideas are because I hope that maybe they will change their minds...that if I can just say the exact right thing in this last moment things will turn around and they will realize how awesome I am - it’s never worked :)
 
To me, closure is different than a second look back. I want closure. A second try? Not so much. (Says the woman who filed 3 sets of divorce papers over the years. Third time is a charm...)
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

I need closure. Especially if I did something wrong. I want to know what that was. But then I usually blame myself anyway. :eek: But I still need to know why.
 
Threads like this are the 'debriefing'

Posting on Lit is a form of therapy.

I reckon it is every bit as effective as any had sitting in an office.
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

I think this depends on the relationship tbh. Gradual breaking up works for some, a clean break works for others. Break ups suck no matter what.
 
Azuldrgon said:
I think this depends on the relationship tbh. Gradual breaking up works for some, a clean break works for others. Break ups suck no matter what.
Click to expand...

It also depends on the person. Like Fara said. She's good with the "go the fuck away" lol. I'm too emotional for that.
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

I like closure. I don’t like leaving things unresolved. I’d rather get to a point when we can at least say goodbye cordially. It drives me nuts if someone just disappears.
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

that really depends on the circumstances. My first wife and I could pick up right where we left off if it weren't for outside factors. It is those outside factors that kept me from doing so when the opportunity arose. It was also outside factors that intervened and separated us to begin with. (obviously there is more to it, in short, I was too entitled American White Male to appreciate what I was being taught at the time. Thankfully, the lessons stuck, and I learned from those mistakes.)

My most recent situation on the other hand. Every day shows just how toxic we had become. It was best for us to just sew up the wounds and move on. Give ourselves time to heal before we even try to get some semblance of calm communication going. That doesn't mean I don't get drunk texts and such from her, and when I have the urge to do the same, I instead take myself off to a meeting. There is an urge at times, especially when my current living situation is looking very desperate...to just want to stab that knife in a few more times for good measure.
 
SassySheDevil said:
It also depends on the person. Like Fara said. She's good with the "go the fuck away" lol. I'm too emotional for that.
Click to expand...

Hey. I take a long time to get to “Go the Fuck away.”
But once I’m there, I’m there.
 
AlwaysFara said:
Hey. I take a long time to get to “Go the Fuck away.”
But once I’m there, I’m there.
Click to expand...

If I'm the one doing the breaking up, this. Because it's almost certainly been dead and gone a long time already. ☠😵💀

If I'm the one getting dumped, well... I've learned the hard way that they rarely have anything truly helpful to say in response to my request for more info. In my experience, it's not unusual for things to go from unpleasant to ugly, so I try to hold my tongue and let them walk.
 
I'm still friends or at least friendly with all of my exes except one. But I do have a need to figure out how it all went south. So theres usually a conversation. But it's not of the "can we try again" variety. Always just for closure so we can move on.
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

Breakups are never easy no matter which side of the fence you are on unless you are with a complete douche and are happy to be free of them. In that case you need to look in the mirror and ask why was i with them to begin with lol.
Im.a hopeless romantic and an emotional person and dont begin think the end of a relationship can be painless but i think the relationship people need to work on most is with themselves. That special someone or loved has to be in your life because you want them there not because you need them there. If that person is filling a hole in your life then i think that has the potential to become toxic and make things exponentially harder when it ends..
Just my thoughts
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
Well hello old friend!!
Here's another breakup question!

Mentally getting over someone -

How do you do it? How long does it take? Are you able to remain friendly or is space essential?

When reminders of someone pop up - do you indulge or do you squash that nostalgia?
Click to expand...

You get over by eventually put yourself back out there. Friendly or space depends on if you have an obligation to see that person again.
As far as reminders, make some new memories with someone else. The pain of the old reminders becomes duller with each new memory you make with someone else.
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How important to you is closure, debriefing or a conversation after a split? Or are you better off moving on without a second look back?
Click to expand...

I've learned, with the last major breakup, that I definitely need closure. Although I was out of patience at that point and was relieved when the end came.

PrettyLilPussy19 said:
How much of an explanation do you expect when it ends?
Click to expand...

Kind of depends on where the relationship is at. I might need either a simple text saying goodbye but thanks for the coffee or court papers. I don't need to see the sex tape. But the broadest of broad strokes is probably sufficient.
 
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