💔 Let's Talk... The End 💔

[Wild_Honey_66]

Well hello old friend!!
Here's another breakup question!

Mentally getting over someone -

How do you do it? How long does it take?
Are you able to remain friendly or is space essential?

When reminders of someone pop up - do you indulge or do you squash that nostalgia?

Truly, i am of two minds about whether to say anything. My time here has given me wisdom, but at a price. These days, i am reluctant to share.

I'll have been here five years next March, for what that's worth. When i first joined, i was a babe in the woods. I feel I've aged about forty years since then.

I bruise easily and take a long time to heal, probably no surprises there. What I've learned is to be proactive about not prolonging the process, and to accept that some days are really going to suck for a while. And frankly, to avoid allowing myself to form attachments in the first place.

If we're talking Lit, i think women need to be brutally honest with themselves about what they can expect from online relationships. It can be easy to close your eyes and pretend there is a happy long-distance ending available. My advice to you is, don't. For so many reasons. With all the secrecy, and the inherent lack of accountability, even men with seemingly stellar reputations can get away with being complete douchebags in private. I think any woman who's been here even a year can attest to that, and it's not going to change with time. You have to change. Even the genuinely good guys are not going to be able to satisfy your needs. For the majority of women, it will never be enough.

This is a dangerous place for tender hearts who are inclined to romantic entanglements. Tread lightly, ladies.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Honey.
Thank you

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

yw

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

For women who are only after a bit of fun, it can be less of a issue. But for those with deeper needs, please use this place with caution.

It should be a tool that you control, not a way of life that controls you. I think it was IHC that has said many times, 'Curate your experience.'

 

[RickTango]

Truly, i am of two minds about whether to say anything. My time here has given me wisdom, but at a price. These days, i am reluctant to share.

I'll have been here five years next March, for what that's worth. When i first joined, i was a babe in the woods. I feel I've aged about forty years since then.

I bruise easily and take a long time to heal, probably no surprises there. What I've learned is to be proactive about not prolonging the process, and to accept that some days are really going to suck for a while. And frankly, to avoid allowing myself to form attachments in the first place.

If we're talking Lit, i think women need to be brutally honest with themselves about what they can expect from online relationships. It can be easy to close your eyes and pretend there is a happy long-distance ending available. My advice to you is, don't. For so many reasons. With all the secrecy, and the inherent lack of accountability, even men with seemingly stellar reputations can get away with being complete douchebags in private. I think any woman who's been here even a year can attest to that, and it's not going to change with time. You have to change. Even the genuinely good guys are not going to be able to satisfy your needs. For the majority of women, it will never be enough.

This is a dangerous place for tender hearts who are inclined to romantic entanglements. Tread lightly, ladies.

Good advice Honey.
Forgive me for jumping in, but I think this advice could be gender neutral. There are some men with tender hearts that should also be careful....

I believe we are all real people on the other side of the pixels with real lives that sometimes complicate the relationships and friendships we form on an internet community. As far as how long, or how to get over the hurt, I think it depends, but my advice is to remember that you acted out of integrity and honesty (I’ll assume you did,) and not all relationships were meant to last. Just don’t blame yourself.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

Well hello old friend!!
Here's another breakup question!

Mentally getting over someone -

How do you do it? How long does it take? Are you able to remain friendly or is space essential?

When reminders of someone pop up - do you indulge or do you squash that nostalgia?

I fucking hate reminders, especially if it ended badly. Like FB Memories always, in the very least, make me wince. It's like "Hey remember that girl that ruined your life? Here's that time you guys went to the roller derby! Remember how weird she was acting because she was probably hiding the fact that she was cheating on you? Good times!" I don't get nostalgic. Like ever.

Mentally getting over someone definitely takes time. My last major breakup took the better part of a year. I was a mess. It basically just took time to get over it. There was pretty much no closure. Just a quick and immature "okay, we're done and that's that. See you around." If there was actually closure it probably would have been easier. I sat down and wrote draft after draft of unsent letters to her. That kind of helped. But time was the big healer. And the realization that she was just bad for me anyway.

 

[hotwords229_A]

Well hello old friend!!
Here's another breakup question!

Mentally getting over someone -

How do you do it? How long does it take? Are you able to remain friendly or is space essential?

When reminders of someone pop up - do you indulge or do you squash that nostalgia?

I tend to look at everything differently and more subjectively--once I'm finished crying, screaming, throwing things and slipping into an abysmal state of loss, sorrow and loneliness, I wind up with a pretty positive memory of the relationship as an experience.

I can't measure how long it takes because it may never truly go away. What I seem to do is absorb the person into the past and try only to remember the good times (while learning from the bad).

Can we stay friendly? When things end I prefer they stay finished, why go backwards?
Although, I can say that I genuinely have no bad feelings toward any of my past girlfriends (as few as there may be), even the ones who screwed me over; I was dumb, they were dumb--that's life.

Also, my life and situations have changed enough times that I feel like I was with the person that needed me and that I needed in that time, but those "past lives" (if you want to look at them that way) feel totally foreign to me now, as if they happened to someone else. Maybe the answer is to make a dramatic change in your life in an effort to make those memories a real thing of the past?

Reminders and nostalgia for me are fun, like seeing an old pic of yourself and laughing at your hair and clothes. BUT, and this part matters, I also have never been completely destroyed by someone I loved and trusted and that may very well be the difference. I have been devastated, but not destroyed.

Years ago, I was head over heels for a girl and she used me to get another dude--devastating. Their relationship didn't last. Through the horror of Facebook, I found out that she is now living in another state, married and has two kids that she adores. She has a new job (one she always dreamed of) and, as far as I know, is living a happy and wonderful life. I'm a lonely dickhead with no girlfriend, but guess what? I am happy for her--I really am. She is a good person who made a mistake. I've made mistakes too. Again, that's life!

^^^That was a lot of words.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I tend to look at everything differently and more subjectively--once I'm finished crying, screaming, throwing things and slipping into an abysmal state of loss, sorrow and loneliness, I wind up with a pretty positive memory of the relationship as an experience.

I can't measure how long it takes because it may never truly go away. What I seem to do is absorb the person into the past and try only to remember the good times (while learning from the bad).

Can we stay friendly? When things end I prefer they stay finished, why go backwards?
Although, I can say that I genuinely have no bad feelings toward any of my past girlfriends (as few as there may be), even the ones who screwed me over; I was dumb, they were dumb--that's life.

Also, my life and situations have changed enough times that I feel like I was with the person that needed me and that I needed in that time, but those "past lives" (if you want to look at them that way) feel totally foreign to me now, as if they happened to someone else. Maybe the answer is to make a dramatic change in your life in an effort to make those memories a real thing of the past?

Reminders and nostalgia for me are fun, like seeing an old pic of yourself and laughing at your hair and clothes. BUT, and this part matters, I also have never been completely destroyed by someone I loved and trusted and that may very well be the difference. I have been devastated, but not destroyed.

Years ago, I was head over heels for a girl and she used me to get another dude--devastating. Their relationship didn't last. Through the horror of Facebook, I found out that she is now living in another state, married and has two kids that she adores. She has a new job (one she always dreamed of) and, as far as I know, is living a happy and wonderful life. I'm a lonely dickhead with no girlfriend, but guess what? I am happy for her--I really am. She is a good person who made a mistake. I've made mistakes too. Again, that's life!

^^^That was a lot of words.

All of them hot. Because that’s how you roll.

 

[hotwords229_A]

All of them hot. Because that’s how you roll.

This made me happy.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Thanks for all your thoughts.
I'm always interested in how people deal differently with things like splits.

 

[Azuldrgon]

I can't do the splits. I'm not built that way.


*allows the silence to take the hint*


I'm one of those sensitive souls I guess. I try to move on after a split as best as I can. I may stay quiet or may just take a break depending. I have maybe only been the dumper twice. In those situations, lines were crossed that shouldn't have been and it was a easy decision.

On the moments when I was dumped, it was for different reasons. The one thing I try to do is be respectful and allow the person to be them. We all deal with splits differently and one thing I have told people is that when you lose a relationship, you need to grieve like you lost a person. This means it could be a quick turn around or it might take a while, but the big thing is you need to heal.


It probably has plenty to do with how I am now on here. I am very careful to allow too much personal stuff to get out or to let folks get too close. The ones who break thru I treasure like crazy and work my ass off to be there for them.

 

[Dribble]

Many years ago, my girl broke up with me the day after senior prom. In her words..."He has a cooler car". I drove by her house at least a dozen times a night for almost 6 months. Forty years later I was trying to remember her name...a couple years later...I remembered she had the same first name as my first wife. Bottom line...it is only as complicated as I make it.

 

[BlackCaramelCreme]

Here, I have been dumped horribly a few times. I may have dumped very few. I have tried to "let others down" with kindness. I know what it feels like to be emotionally vested and blunt force trauma to happen. It hurt. To the core. Reasons don't make it better. I felt not worthy, less than..., not measuring up and not good enough.

As a result, I am as honest as I can be. I volunteer information I may not have to at times and I hold back enough that I don't lose who I am in the process.

As far as my online "courtships", I keep things platonic with everyone. With one ex, I have love for him but the relationship had changed. Hurtful things happened leaving us both at fault. Since January, I keep to myself mostly. Circumstances in real life throws different challenges where I hold back for fear of me hurting someone else's feelings.

My fav flavor?....hmmmm....right now, it's eggnog and pralines and cream.

 

[UgliestSon]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtVcqw3Sw5k

I wish you would've grabbed the gun
And shot me 'cause I died
And I'm nothing now without you
Yeah, I'm less than nothing now
I'm the one between the bars
And lost forever now

 

[Jada59]

I think I must be the odd one out. I don't think I've ever experienced heartbreak. And it's not that I don't feel deeply. I do. I'm an empath. So I tend to feel everything very deeply.

It's just that when someone moves on, then I move on. I can't see the purpose of getting all upset or down over it. I figure there are plenty of people out there in this world. Some of us are meant for each other and others are not. I figure everyone in my life is there for a reason. Maybe they are there to teach me a life lesson. Maybe even a painful one. But I still think I have learned from it and can move on.

In my past, one person I knew who was almost constantly suffering from heartbreak was my FWB. In fact, it was his heartbreak that brought us together. I was picking up on his sadness so I invited him to go out with my friends and me.

He also came over to my place where I did a Tarot card reading for him. I told him that he had been unfaithful to a red haired woman and that was the source of his misery. The Tarot cards told me that. I had no prior clue that he had been engaged or that his fiance had red hair.

I also used my purple energy plates on him and sent him home with a jar of some stinky blue gel for sore muscles. In retrospect, he probably wanted me to give him a massage, hoping it would lead to other things.

Not too long after that, we came to an agreement about the FWB thing. He was bi and had a wandering eye. He simply could not ever be faithful to one person and this is what caused his heartache. Hopefully I didn't cause him any pain like that. If I did, he never mentioned it but he also never had the notion of being with me forever and settling down.

That in a nutshell is what caused his problems. He'd have sex with a new person and immediately fell in love and began thinking of names for their children. But at the same time, he was constantly looking for and finding fresh meat. And he was not good at covering his tracks. The other person would get angry and dump him. But IMO, he shouldn't have been playing the games that he did. Such as telling them they were the only one.

It was usually my shoulder he'd come to cry on. And then of course we had sex. Oddly enough nobody knew that the two of us were having sex. We made a pact to keep that between the two of us and all these many years later, only my best friend knows and only because *I* told her.

He and I remained friends after I had a steady BF, the man who became my husband and that I am now divorced from. But unlike some men who have been in my life, he (FWB) never made any sexual advances towards me then although we certainly did do a lot of dirty talking.

Another thing that I've noticed in general, perhaps not necessarily so much here on Lit is that men seem to take breakups very hard. I've had to tell people that things weren't working for me after only seeing them for a date or two or a week or two. But the way I saw that was the guy was not seeing the real me. I don't think that was *my* fault. I think I'm a pretty open book. They just had illusions of me being someone else. Usually a person who liked to cook and clean and did not want to have sex, as in ever. I've had several men tell me that I was "too good for sex". And to this day, I still don't know what that means. I did ask but they looked embarrassed and wouldn't tell me.

I feel if I can't be accepted for who I am, then it isn't going to work out for me. Just as I would want to accept them for who they are, flaws and all. But... That doesn't mean that I'm necessarily going to want to get into some of the things they are into. Like watching football or even various sexual fetishes. If we have too many differences, that isn't going to work for me either.

I feel like I'm rambling. I should prolly step away from the keyboard and go to bed.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

Lit is a whole other thing. I got played super hard once. We made actual plans for her to fly out for Valentine's day and she ended it in a shady way by text saying "it's over, I don't love you, don't write me back". People came to me here afterwards and told me "she's done this a few times before". Which is horrifying because if you know she's trouble why the FUCK wouldn't you tell me? Then you've got the people that think they're being helpful by coming in afterwards saying "This is what happens when you treat this place like a dating website." Like yeah thanks for that incredibly helpful bit of wisdom. But the girl disappeared, I moved on. I still have friends here so I come around.

Here's a beautiful monolog about letting people go. https://youtu.be/CTPzXwNVc9g

 

[hotwords229_A]

Here's a beautiful monolog about letting people go. https://youtu.be/CTPzXwNVc9g

I thought that was going to be a joke, but wow, that was pretty amazing.

 

[Sexybritches69]

I find that I am able to move on from that person, but then it’s very scary to let myself be vulnerable again. That’s the part I struggle with.

 

[beachbaby179]

I thought that was going to be a joke, but wow, that was pretty amazing.

Me too. Lots of wisdom in that clip.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

I find that I am able to move on from that person, but then it’s very scary to let myself be vulnerable again. That’s the part I struggle with.

I'm the same way. I can kind of be friendly and be friends with anyone but truly letting people in again takes time.

I thought that was going to be a joke, but wow, that was pretty amazing.

Haha I'll take that as a compliment. but yeah, I love it.

Me too. Lots of wisdom in that clip.

Yeah, I love it. I first saw it after my last major breakup and it really hit home in a big way.

 

[Ausbellbaby]

So to share my ideas on break ups I suppose I should put in that due to self worth issues I tended to only have relationships with people I knew would treat me like dirt. (abusive,cheating,mean drunks etc)
I thought I deserved all of it. The last one that ended was the stuff of nightmares. He is currently locked up for what he did to me. My solution was to try and put behind me as best I can. Which hasn't been terribly successful. A day at a time makes it easier. A lot of counseling,crying living in fear. At the end of it all I walked away with even bigger self esteem issues and scars but know within myself that it shouldn't have got to the stage it did.
I urge every other woman and man to leave the first time anything physically abusive happens don't stick around and try and work it out. It won't last! They will not change. I now help other women in a volunteer program find a exit. With little to no access to money you can still make it happen you do not deserve it no matter what you did.
Extremely sorry if this brings a downer to the thread and sorry for rambling

 

[AlwaysFara]

So to share my ideas on break ups I suppose I should put in that due to self worth issues I tended to only have relationships with people I knew would treat me like dirt. (abusive,cheating,mean drunks etc)
I thought I deserved all of it. The last one that ended was the stuff of nightmares. He is currently locked up for what he did to me. My solution was to try and put behind me as best I can. Which hasn't been terribly successful. A day at a time makes it easier. A lot of counseling,crying living in fear. At the end of it all I walked away with even bigger self esteem issues and scars but know within myself that it shouldn't have got to the stage it did.
I urge every other woman and man to leave the first time anything physically abusive happens don't stick around and try and work it out. It won't last! They will not change. I now help other women in a volunteer program find a exit. With little to no access to money you can still make it happen you do not deserve it no matter what you did.
Extremely sorry if this brings a downer to the thread and sorry for rambling

Don’t be. Better out than in.
I’m so glad you’re safe.

 

[Ausbellbaby]

Don’t be. Better out than in.
I’m so glad you’re safe.

Thank you
It took awhile but yes now I do feel safe

 

[SassySheDevil]

No not butt stuff....

Rejection. Heartbreak. Splitting Ways.
I want to know how you handle it! I know it's a bummer but I think there are lessons we can learn from each other.

If you're the one getting dumped -

How do you want someone to tell you?
Do you understand or do you try to plead your case?
How do you recover? How long?
Can you stay friends with your ex?
Did you feel it coming?
How did it affect how you saw yourself?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Always. So it is always hard for me. I take it harder than I should, because when I give. I give freely and I give my all. Understanding depends on if I was given a reason and explanation. I've kind of come to the understanding that it takes a strong person to deal with me, so most of the time, I just figure I was too much. I can stay friends with them depending on how it ended and after time has passed for me to get over the mushy feelings.
I often feel it coming because things change. Distance happens. They are suddenly busy more, or don't want to talk as much.
I stop waking up to messages, or going to bed with messages. The cutesy stuff stops. I suddenly feel like I'm chasing someone.
I often blame myself. It makes it easier for me for some reason. So I tend to put myself down and tell myself I scared them away.
I have only truly cared about 3 guys in my time here. Like they broke my heart or had the ability to. I still try to talk to them or do talk to them. Only one doesn't talk to me.

If you're the dumper -

Is it easy for you or do you try to wait it out? Make it better?
How do you let someone down easy
When did you know it was time?
Do you cease contact or try to stay friends?
Does breaking someone's heart change how you see yourself?


Clearly these things change depending on whether is "real" life or online - but what are your experiences?
What have you learned about yourself?

And most importantly - what's your ice cream flavor?

I am not sure I have ever really been the dumper. I"m more of a runner. When I am scared, I run.
But I've been ghosted before, And I know how much that hurts.
I need closure for myself to get over things. So I try and offer the same.

i'm just an emotional mess. So I am careful now with my feelings and emotions.

 

[Karabare]

Either IRL or here i bury it deep and keep moving forward. But it sucks either way.

Black cherry or pistachio can soothe a soul