English/Texan translation needed

I need to find out what a Texan would say when he realizes that he has to face up to a new reality that is not what he had planned. Gunfire is not an option.

Harryasaboy said:

I need to find out what a Texan would say when he realizes that he has to face up to a new reality that is not what he had planned. Gunfire is not an option.

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And, right there is your primary difficulty with speaking Texan. Gunfire is always an option.

In all seriousness, though, I think what you are asking for is some colorful colloquialism. Which, truthfully, just don't exist outside of caricatures. We don't really talk that different from y'all.

Seriously, there's a research study that says that about 80% of growth since the 70s has come from transients relocating and that the protozoan Tex-speak is dying out with the older generations.

"Well, shit" followed by chunk of tobacco spat to the side for the more colorful types is about as far as it goes in real life.

But...

http://www.texasmonthly.com/articles/more-colorful-texas-sayings/

Without knowing exactly what you have happening, I could see;

Luke leaned heavily on his pommel and spat off to the side as Chipolte stamped nervously.

"Bo," he said. "I reckon we done kissed our sisters on this deal."

"Ayup." Bo answered laconically, keeping Diablo's head snugged in tight.

Heh. While I do stand behind what I said, that most of the "flavor" is gradually leeching from the speech patterns, I happen to be from before the stock started getting thin on the ground. And I was thinking about it and remembered something our coach used to say when we weren't as crisp executing a play.

"Y'all ran that one like Ned in the third reader."

(Ironically, his wife was my last grammar teacher.)

Harryasaboy said:

I need to find out what a Texan would say when he realizes that he has to face up to a new reality that is not what he had planned. Gunfire is not an option.

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"Well shit!"

"Well fuck me runnin'!"

"Well paint me purple and call me a tulip!" (Yeah, I don't really understand that one either)

"Well, I'll be damned!"

or if he just really doesn't want to face up to it.

"Get a rope!"

GoldenCojones said:

"Well shit!"

"Well fuck me runnin'!"

"Well paint me purple and call me a tulip!" (Yeah, I don't really understand that one either)

"Well, I'll be damned!"

or if he just really doesn't want to face up to it.

"Get a rope!"

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Wait... you mean everyone doesn't say those?

I did, however, remember another: "Well, butter my butt and call me toast."

Alright let me clarify

I should have been a little more specific in my request. I'm rewriting the ending of my story in which dad must come to grips that his daughter has chosen a guy that he doesn't like. He has to say something to himself before he meets this guy for the first time.

Harryasaboy said:

I should have been a little more specific in my request. I'm rewriting the ending of my story in which dad must come to grips that his daughter has chosen a guy that he doesn't like. He has to say something to himself before he meets this guy for the first time.

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"Get a Rope" works.

Have him cleaning his shotgun when the guy arrives. I did that to my daughter a couple of times.

"This should be fun but I'm not sure for who."

"Some people just beg to be shot."

Harryasaboy said:

I should have been a little more specific in my request. I'm rewriting the ending of my story in which dad must come to grips that his daughter has chosen a guy that he doesn't like. He has to say something to himself before he meets this guy for the first time.

Click to expand...

Ok, to your clarification, let me reiterate that gunfire is an option. He can always use rock salt loads if he is a particularly nice guy.

Having said that, having daughters and granddaughters, you learn pretty quick that getting too ugly about it won't do a damn thing other than make her sneak out her bedroom window and ride off on the back of his motorcycle.

But, when you get him alone... well, let's be honest. You just can't beat a Texas legend...

"I've got cars, and I've got guitars and I've got guns. You treat my little girl right and you'll only see the business end of the cars and guitars." ~ Billy Gibbons

As for what he might say to himself... mmm... "Why do I feel like I just paid for a bull and got a steer?" maybe?

"Not what I had my face fixed for. "

"Like hugging a hedgehog."

"Nothing to write home about. "

"That dog just won’t hunt. "

"I’d just as soon bite the ass out of a badger."

"I don’t cotton to him."

Or, he could always go rummaging for his recipe for calf fries. (For those that may not know, "calf fries", sometimes called "mountain oysters" are testicles. And yes, it is a real dish.)

Harryasaboy said:

I should have been a little more specific in my request. I'm rewriting the ending of my story in which dad must come to grips that his daughter has chosen a guy that he doesn't like. He has to say something to himself before he meets this guy for the first time.

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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information (like psychological profile and polygraph test) as required.


-------------------------------------------------------



Name:___________________________

Date of Birth:______________________

Height:____________ Weight:____________

I.Q.___________ GPA:_________

Social Security/ NA. Number:___________________

Driver's License #:____________

Boy Scout Rank:_____________________________

Home Address:____________________________

City:____________________

____________________________

Zip /Post Code:_______________________

How far can you run: 40 yards?_______________

2 miles?___________________

Do you own a (A)Van?____ (B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ (C)Water bed?_____

Do you have an ear ring, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________

NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8, discontinue the application process and leave the premises!

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________
___________________________________________________________

Church you Attend:___________________

How often do you attend?____________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
(That means I won't tell anyone, ever)


If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.

A Women's place is in the _________________________.

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.

In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.

My greatest fear is__________________________________________.

When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________.


NOTE:
If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave the premises.

Keep your head low; running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?______

Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________

Your dentist is__________________

Emergency phone #_________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS.


Signature________________________



Thank you for your interest. Please allow 5-7 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write.
(It could cause disqualification and injury to your body.)

===== =======

My uncle Tolly up in Waco always says 'Well slap my ass an' call me Susan!' when he gets confused, confounded, or just plain lost for words, but then, he's an immigrant from Houma, La., he gets easily confounded when it comes to dealing with Texan's...

My husband has a daughter, she married a French boy, I think he's lovely, husband thinks he's French, 'nuff said, and did once tell him he's got a shotgun, a shovel, and 70 acres of wilderness, don't give him reason to add him to the mix. I'm almost certain he trained his gun-dogs to growl and salivate at the poor boy, he says not, and swears on a stack of bibles, but I know my husband, and the last time he was in a church, he was getting his head wet and peeing on the priest.

I suspect that a Texican would say something like...

This wouldnta happened if'n that Obama wudn't in office.

Nathan_Brazil said:

I suspect that a Texican would say something like...

This wouldnta happened if'n that Obama wudn't in office.

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First of all, calling a Texan a Texican is a hanging offense and second of all, we're not all as stupid as Yankee's.

GoldenCojones said:

First of all, calling a Texan a Texican is a hanging offense and second of all, we're not all as stupid as Yankee's.

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NB has no idea of who or what a Texan is. He doesn't realize a lot of Texas is Democratic and likes Obama. Just because Rick Perry and Shrub live here doesn't make everyone stupid.

Harryasaboy said:

I need to find out what a Texan would say when he realizes that he has to face up to a new reality that is not what he had planned. Gunfire is not an option.

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I didn't like the question, but now I'll give my two bits. Have you ever been to Texas? It's a big, diverse place.

Maybe you meant Oklahoman.

To add just a little bit more...

GoldenCojones said:

First of all, calling a Texan a Texican is a hanging offense and second of all, we're not all as stupid as Yankee's.

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Locally, y'all are often called Tejanos. Suck it up.

When the current Governor (a woman raised in El Paso) was first elected there was hardly a sliver of light between her policies and the policies of her Democratic opponent. To make up for the lack of a difference (and the lack of much charisma) the Democrats started whispering "Ella es Tejana"

It didn't work. The Tejana won by a wide margin and no-one will seriously run against her. With a Republican presidential candidate who was not vile she could have been Vice President.

Those not from Texas may not realize that the rattlesnakes that actually rattle are the ones who are nervous. Sometimes, though, you run across one that is mean enough and mad enough that the first hint you have it's there is when it bites. There's a thirteen footer down in the East pasture that's as mean as she is long.

Y'all think about that when you take my daughter out for some Prarie Blanket Bingo.

Or when you lay down tonight in bed and it's really, really quiet.

Jack leaned on the door jam, his daughter and her "friend" waiting on the other side, taking a moment to compose himself. With a heavy sigh he pushed himself upright and muttered "Might as well get on with this exercise in picking up a turd by the clean end."

Says nothing, goes in, stares at the boy, then oils the trigger on a magnum, checks the action, and loads it up. Stares at the boy again.

There are situations where colorful words don't apply.

And don't forget there are different Texas accents. I was once married to a lady from West Texas in the panhandle.

She and her family and neighbors and relatives would all ... Draaawww ouuuut aallll theiiiiirr worrrrrrdds soooooo sloooowllly thaaaaaat I waaaaaanteeeeed toooooo .. slap them to get them to finish.

East Texans talk with a real nasal Texas accent, or maybe that was the Piney woods accent. Anyway, you get my point. It's a big state and has different accents.

And don't forget, the most popular name for newborns in Texas, the year I left, was Juan.

49greg said:

And don't forget there are different Texas accents. I was once married to a lady from West Texas in the panhandle.

She and her family and neighbors and relatives would all ... Draaawww ouuuut aallll theiiiiirr worrrrrrdds soooooo sloooowllly thaaaaaat I waaaaaanteeeeed toooooo .. slap them to get them to finish.

East Texans talk with a real nasal Texas accent, or maybe that was the Piney woods accent. Anyway, you get my point. It's a big state and has different accents.

And don't forget, the most popular name for newborns in Texas, the year I left, was Juan.

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Sometimes folks in the Panhandle seem to be speaking some language other than English. They have a distinct idiom.

We (actually, my wife) has family from Lubbock. Their cousins' accents were a life-long joke to her. I've met many of those cousins now and it seems like every one of them outgrew their accents. Education and a broader social community seem to have that effect.

NotWise said:

Sometimes folks in the Panhandle seem to be speaking some language other than English. They have a distinct idiom.

We (actually, my wife) has family from Lubbock. Their cousins' accents were a life-long joke to her. I've met many of those cousins now and it seems like every one of them outgrew their accents. Education and a broader social community seem to have that effect.

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I'm from the panhandle and if you think we talk funny listen to someone from Boston. Why the fuck can't they say r's

I was born and raised in Texas, but have lived in the Bay Area and Chicago. What I noticed is that where you live, you automatically, sooner or later, begin to assimilate into speaking the local dialect. Ive been back in Texas about six years and when I hear anyone speaking a deep southern/Texas accent I want to cringe. That doesn't negate the fact that I've slipped back into the southern drawl, which I can't seem to stop.

GoldenCojones said:

I'm from the panhandle and if you think we talk funny listen to someone from Boston. Why the fuck can't they say r's

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My wife has a good friend who moved here from Boston a couple years ago. I can't stand listening to her. The sooner she stops talking through her nose, the better.

And for what it's worth, one of the most memorable people I've ever known lived in Panhandle. Texas. He died a few years ago and I miss him. He was the manliest man you can imagine. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it more than he did. He was also not an asshole -- unless he wanted to be. Occasionally he wanted to be.

Awww Crap this is great! I won't use it in my story though, the dad is humor impaired. Can we give bonus points for a great answer?

LadyVer said:

I was born and raised in Texas, but have lived in the Bay Area and Chicago. What I noticed is that where you live, you automatically, sooner or later, begin to assimilate into speaking the local dialect. Ive been back in Texas about six years and when I hear anyone speaking a deep southern/Texas accent I want to cringe. That doesn't negate the fact that I've slipped back into the southern drawl, which I can't seem to stop.

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When I was a boy, I lived in Australia. When I returned to the states I had a full on Aussie accent. I was so embarrassed when all the girls at school would ask me to talk with them, so I worked hard to get my original Merkin accent back. A few years later, I realized how stupid that was, girls were talking to me! I also discovered that it comes back a bit when I hang out with Aussies.