Starting Being dom

Lucekrew said:

I'm not gone and yes I did contemplate just not coming back. Being likened to a serial killer will do that to a person.

Re reading I see I worded things terribly to start off with for that I'm sorry. I have no desire even in play in hurting someone or even playing with things that have a potential for danger. At least not now I'm way too green. I also don't desire a constant experience of the dom\sub world? I want to play in it roleplay if you will.. I will spend more time in reading and reading somemore. I find my mind wanting to answer every little thing but to do that I fear I'd be way too wordy. Any of you the have direct questions for me feel free to pm me. Even if you have advise my ears are open and trying to learn.

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I am so glad you came back.

AlwaysFara said:

Start with the sub. Is there someone you actually like? Or, is I think the idea of being dominant, and wanting to explore that?

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Right now it's the idea and just wanting to try to explore online. Maybe some chatting or emailing?

Lucekrew said:

I'm not gone and yes I did contemplate just not coming back. Being likened to a serial killer will do that to a person.

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That personal attack was unacceptable and made zero sense. Nothing that you wrote merited a response like that.

I’m also glad you came back. This forum was huge for me when I was first exploring BDSM and I hope you can also find answers and information here.

ToPleaseHim said:

That personal attack was unacceptable and made zero sense. Nothing that you wrote merited a response like that.

I’m also glad you came back. This forum was huge for me when I was first exploring BDSM and I hope you can also find answers and information here.

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Thanks made me wonder if you all thought I was some psychopath. Uneducated in this world and not always choosing the best words I can handle, but a psychopath I'm not.lol

The best advice is go slow ... both my in-charge guys (one pretty experienced, the other not so much) let me go slow, and I really appreciated that. Lots of talking ... talk about something, try it out, and then talk about it some more. Discovering that stuff with someone else who doesn't have a lot of experience can be it's own form of excitement, but like anything in this realm, requires a heap of really open communication. It's one of the nice things about starting online - communication is pretty much all you've got, so for me at least, it really pushed me into learning to articulate my feelings, and my desires, and my reactions.
If you're interested, I've got a thread about my whole trip down the rabbit hole.

KimGordon67 said:

The best advice is go slow ... both my in-charge guys (one pretty experienced, the other not so much) let me go slow, and I really appreciated that. Lots of talking ... talk about something, try it out, and then talk about it some more. Discovering that stuff with someone else who doesn't have a lot of experience can be it's own form of excitement, but like anything in this realm, requires a heap of really open communication. It's one of the nice things about starting online - communication is pretty much all you've got, so for me at least, it really pushed me into learning to articulate my feelings, and my desires, and my reactions.
If you're interested, I've got a thread about my whole trip down the rabbit hole.

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Is that thread the link in your signature?

Lucekrew said:

Is that thread the link in your signature?

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LOL - no. That one's way bitchier. It's here. It's gotten pretty long - just skim to the relevant bits.

Another great discussion forum worth reading and or participating in over in the Cafe is
"Inquiring Minds Want to Know"

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1482371

Also - there are tons of great resources in the BDSM library in the sticky at the top of the page.

If there are particular questions you have, ask - someone will be able to point you to the resources you need.

I agree with ToPleaseHim - the Psychopath/ serial killer comment was totally uncalled for.

Lucekrew said:

I'm not gone and yes I did contemplate just not coming back. Being likened to a serial killer will do that to a person.

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I hope I did not contribute to this feeling you had. If so I would like to publicly apologize to you for that as it was not the intent by any means.

I remember the multiple times I began trying to figure out if I was really a dominant or not...it is a potentially confusing time.

Please continue to talk, explore, and ask things...that is the best way of learning about yourself.

PassTheTime said:

I hope I did not contribute to this feeling you had. If so I would like to publicly apologize to you for that as it was not the intent by any means.

I remember the multiple times I began trying to figure out if I was really a dominant or not...it is a potentially confusing time.

Please continue to talk, explore, and ask things...that is the best way of learning about yourself.

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I can’t answer for OP of course, but your “hooker” comment was right on. Sometimes we need cold water splashed on our faces, and OP needed to clarify his thoughts... which he did.
This is Literotica, which means we should expect members to be literate, yes?

I may have missed it, but where were you likened to a serial killer?

AlwaysFara said:

I may have missed it, but where were you likened to a serial killer?

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The guy who wrote about the bdsm mob of Fet said that the OP made him think of a serial killer from the 90s who lured in subbies, killed them and buried them in his backyard in oil drums.

The post was removed.

seela said:

The guy who wrote about the bdsm mob of Fet said that the OP made him think of a serial killer from the 90s who lured in subbies, killed them and buried them in his backyard in oil drums.

The post was removed.

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Oh.

Great guy.

too sad to remember...sorry.

Wow. I can't unread that. Fuck me.

I found The New Topping and The New Bottoming books by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton helpful. I think they give great guidance for those seeking to explore BDSM.

I’m going to echo TPH and say how much I learned by lurking here early on (and still do). Know what I particularly like? Free viewpoints from the other side of the slash! It’s like special secret subbie intel.

It seems that the appeal of kinky sex and the idea that a submissive seems like a sexually eager partner causes sexually inexperienced people to get the idea that labeling oneself a dominant is a good way to obtain a supply of kinky sex from sexually eager partners.

If it worked, it would be an excellent idea.

Sex is complicated. Human relations are complicated. Sex with humans other than yourself is complicated.

The first thing one has to do and it's more complicated than it sounds like it's going to be is to figure out what exactly it is that you find interesting sexually. I think that's an ongoing and evolving process.

Next you have to become comfortable enough in who you are and what you like to be confident in expressing sexual themes with other people. That said, there is such a thing as tact and appropriate social congress. You have to know when sexual themes are appropriate with which audience.

Once you know what you want on our comfortable communicating these ideas you're going to have to go through a relatively long search to find other people who match up with your interest and for whatever reason find you appealing.

There's a lot of trial-and-error in all of the above.

It involves a lot of screening. You're screening other people for compatibility and you're opening yourself up to their screening so that you don't waste a lot of time with people that you're ultimately not going to be compatible with either socially or sexually.

Assuming just for illustrative purposes that you're a dude and you're trying to get laid by some hot kinky chick, what you need to do is get out there and meet lots of chicks until you find some that find you attractive. The available pool of chicks that are going to find you attractive expands as you become more attractive.. you can't do a lot about handsome other than general comportment and fitness but personality is all you. Be personable. It isn't really that hard; just talk to people, interact with them in a genuine way and whatever it is that makes you you is going to be attractive to some people and not others. Concentrate on the ones that are attracted.

Of the ones that seem attractive have genuine conversations with them about sex: what they like what you like. Experiment; try things.

I just can't see any appeal in the idea that you stride into some hypothetical room full of submissives as an obvious dominant and pluck out a sub or two to favor with your mighty wang in any meaningful way other than wank fodder. I'm not deriding wank fodder...how how else does one wank without fodder? I find though, even in my most self-indulgent grandiose masturbatory fantasies it still involves actual people that I have some kind of an idea about what their motivation is and how my particular kinks, might mesh with what I perceive their's might be or hope them to be.

Maybe it's just me but if I don't have some idea that I'm enhancing their sexual life with my awe-inspiring mind-altering kink, what would be the point? I don't strictly need anyone else in the room to have an orgasm.

Lucekrew said:

Thanks made me wonder if you all thought I was some psychopath. Uneducated in this world and not always choosing the best words I can handle, but a psychopath I'm not.lol

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Hi Luce, I too have used the wrong words and terminology when I first started out, I was so excited to connect with likeminded people, I did'ent chose my words carefully, and got slapped down big time! ( not here on another site).
I ran back to my closet and hid for a while and lick my wounds, but I kept at it and read a lot and listened a lot and I'm no expert by any means, still make mistakes but thats how we learn.
And your ahead of the game if you are willing to learn!...

First off I just want to say congratulations on figuring out you have kinks and being willing to acknowledge them in any manner. Even if it's just too yourself and a bunch of random people here.
To me that was the hardest part once you get over the shock factor it's easy to research what part of being dominant or submissive appeals to you.

Have a look through some of the threads here and make a list of what is a must try,a maybe and a no way. Take your time and don't rush things. Make sure whatever you try is safe for both yourself and your partner.
(A close friend works in ER and some of the horror stories of 50 shades bandwagon jumper's still makes my hair stand on end.)


Good luck!

XBeautifulSoulX said:

(A close friend works in ER and some of the horror stories of 50 shades bandwagon jumper's still makes my hair stand on end.)


Good luck!

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It's probably crass and insensitive of me but I would love to hear some of those stories. At least the not-really-gory ones.

Eliphaz said:

It's probably crass and insensitive of me but I would love to hear some of those stories. At least the not-really-gory ones.

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Sure they ranged from oops moments like objects inserted and unable to be removed, damaged man parts, gaping wounds from handcuffs,
A whole bunch of broken bones and dislocations from bondage. Heart attack and stroke victims still wearing blindfolds,gags and other leather accessories.
And the one I giggled at the most was the zipper on a full hood/mask getting stuck while the guy was alone at home and had to drive himself like that to the hospital lol

XBeautifulSoulX said:

Sure they ranged from oops moments like objects inserted and unable to be removed, damaged man parts, gaping wounds from handcuffs,
A whole bunch of broken bones and dislocations from bondage. Heart attack and stroke victims still wearing blindfolds,gags and other leather accessories.
And the one I giggled at the most was the zipper on a full hood/mask getting stuck while the guy was alone at home and had to drive himself like that to the hospital lol

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Oh god the mortification. Maybe he enjoyed it. I guess I've contemplated how things would play out if there were a medical emergency during compromising activities but it's really sad to think of really life-changing ones happening like that.

A simple solution to all of this medical emergency and smoke and mirrors mumbo jumbo. Just keep a SS&C mindset and have the EMT scissors at the ready. Nuf said.

For those who don't know, I tend to jest. And sarcasm is high on my list, too.

Eliphaz said:

Oh god the mortification. Maybe he enjoyed it. I guess I've contemplated how things would play out if there were a medical emergency during compromising activities but it's really sad to think of really life-changing ones happening like that.

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Apparently he was all laughs until someone recognised his voice.
It is sad to think about a "erotic" moment being the last you have. In saying that I'm putting my hand up for going out in a blaze of lust.

DVS said:

A simple solution to all of this medical emergency and smoke and mirrors mumbo jumbo. Just keep a SS&C mindset and have the EMT scissors at the ready. Nuf said.

For those who don't know, I tend to jest. And sarcasm is high on my list, too.

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Hmmm not sure how the EMT scissors are going to help that supper sized butt plug back out but where there's a will there's a way.

Definitely not something I'd go to the ER over