How do you help someone get over being abused

Okay, thanks for the info. MsTerious.
I'll be back later to check.

BTW, your AV is quite alluring.

Mona said:

Okay, thanks for the info. MsTerious.
I'll be back later to check.

BTW, your AV is quite alluring.

Click to expand...

You're welcome, and thank you. It is kinda yummy, isn't it? If only it were me.
It's nice to see a race specific av, such as yours. I don't think I've seen any other av's of black, oriental, purple, green people. Kudos!!

Grumblebum for Gil Update??

Mona said:

Okay, thanks for the info. MsTerious.
I'll be back later to check.

BTW, your AV is quite alluring.

Click to expand...

Hi Mona, your Pm is full again . . .

Check out grumblebum's PM at about 1204 on aussies . . . he may be able to give us an update on Gil . . .

Thinking of you Gil.

Re: Men victims of domestic violence by women

someplace said:

Last night I searched the web for what I thought would be a small statistic on battered men versus battered women. I ended up spending over an hour reading and being re-educated. The statistic I thought I sought is a myth. The truth is that domestic violence is inflicted on the sexes in NEARLY EQUAL PROPORTIONS. There are many many places to find information, some of which are more scholarly and dry than others. Here is an excellent resource for all involved:
menweb resource page for battered men

I asked someone this morning why we couldn't all treat each other with more respect and dignity? Peaceful blessings to you all. And THANKS Gil for starting this and to everyone else for sharing.

Click to expand...

Thanks so much for this staistic and this web link. Back in1989 I was married to a woman who was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive. Like most of the women who have posted to this thread, I have some physical scars from that experience that will never go away. Like a scar in my lower lip and fused vertebrae in my lower back from being shoved down a flight of stairs. For years I could not walk near a door without knowing where my keys were. Never forget the Sunday morning that I stood on my deck, in my bathrobe, having a smoke. She was in a rage about something and walked over and locked the door and set the deadbolt.

When I sought help from the Men's Center, I was told that the only resource available for men in domestic abuse was the class for male domestic offenders. No one believed that there was such a thing as a male victim of domestic violence.

The main recovery from the abuse was getting out and five years in therapy.

And in response to Gil, who started this thread, I would never become involved with someone I helped out of an abusive relationship. It's a rescuer, victim persecutor triangle. I won't play in that.

Re: Re: Men victims of domestic violence by women

Amfig said:

....................................
And in response to Gil, who started this thread, I would never become involved with someone I helped out of an abusive relationship. It's a rescuer, victim persecutor triangle. I won't play in that.

Click to expand...

Does that mean that a person that has been abused should stay alone to keep from getting in another type of bad relationship? Because if so, then what do I have to look forward to? Why fight so hard to survive this Just to be doomed to a life of loneliness?

Re: Re: Re: Men victims of domestic violence by women

kikmosa said:

Does that mean that a person that has been abused should stay alone to keep from getting in another type of bad relationship? Because if so, then what do I have to look forward to? Why fight so hard to survive this Just to be doomed to a life of loneliness?

Click to expand...

Hi Kiki,

Amfig is quoting HIS experience based on HIS recovery and subsequent therapy . . . YOU have a future, as big and beautiful and wonderful as you care to make it . . . part of that future is a relationship of YOUR choice, when YOU believe that you are ready for it . . . (why anybody would choose to remain lonely is beyond my conception).

But Amfig is correct . . . getting out is the most important thing . . . and you have done that . . .

There is no excuse for physical violence . . . EVER!!!

Don

Kiki -

I haven't posted on this thread before, but we've talked...
What follows is what I have found I must do to break the cycle I have found myself in again and again...
If anyone finds this wrong or has a different opinion, please post!!
I don't want to lead in the wrong direction, or go there myself...

- My relationship choices have been crap from day one. The relationships I couldn't choose (mother, brother specifically) set the pace for how I let myself be treated later on. I firmy believe that I believed I was worth what my mother and brother lead me to believe - which was crap. My brother molested me and my mother turned her head. Well, she told him to stop. (whoopie)
I moved out when I was 14 and immediatly found Mr. Right, who, after beating me down mentally for 3 years, started to beat the shit out of me constantly. I never understood why woman stayed in those types of relationships, and I don't think that a woman who has never been in one can. Because before they ever lay a hand on you, they have been subtly telling you that you deserve this... they have you so worn down with words before they ever touch you that you start to believe that is what you deserve... I finally freed myself of him when I was 20. One year later, I married my husband, who, while he doesn't beat me, is an abuser. I am working on my courage to leave him now... It may take a while, and I know that most won't understand why I don't just leave, but I plan too. It's just a matter of time.
- the point I was going to make before I started rambling...I have fallen into a cycle, and I will continue to do so until I get myself straightened out, until I know that I deserve better, until I begin to love myself for who I am - I won't demand respect, if I can't give it to myself. So when, and if, I ever leave, I will be alone for a long time - I will go through therapy, I will learn to be strong, I will learn that I don't need to be with someone. I will learn to be comfortable with myself. I will learn that I can be happy on my own - and then, and only then will I be able to truly be happy with someone else.
....So, no, you won't always be alone, kiki - but we need time to heal by ourselves before we can share ourselves with another.

I hope this made sense - and I hope I haven't misspoken.

Hugs to you...
Sam

samanthak1721 said:

Kiki -

I haven't posted on this thread before, but we've talked...
What follows is what I have found I must do to break the cycle I have found myself in again and again...
If anyone finds this wrong or has a different opinion, please post!!
I don't want to lead in the wrong direction, or go there myself...

- My relationship choices have been crap from day one. The relationships I couldn't choose (mother, brother specifically) set the pace for how I let myself be treated later on. I firmy believe that I believed I was worth what my mother and brother lead me to believe - which was crap. My brother molested me and my mother turned her head. Well, she told him to stop. (whoopie)
I moved out when I was 14 and immediatly found Mr. Right, who, after beating me down mentally for 3 years, started to beat the shit out of me constantly. I never understood why woman stayed in those types of relationships, and I don't think that a woman who has never been in one can. Because before they ever lay a hand on you, they have been subtly telling you that you deserve this... they have you so worn down with words before they ever touch you that you start to believe that is what you deserve... I finally freed myself of him when I was 20. One year later, I married my husband, who, while he doesn't beat me, is an abuser. I am working on my courage to leave him now... It may take a while, and I know that most won't understand why I don't just leave, but I plan too. It's just a matter of time.
- the point I was going to make before I started rambling...I have fallen into a cycle, and I will continue to do so until I get myself straightened out, until I know that I deserve better, until I begin to love myself for who I am - I won't demand respect, if I can't give it to myself. So when, and if, I ever leave, I will be alone for a long time - I will go through therapy, I will learn to be strong, I will learn that I don't need to be with someone. I will learn to be comfortable with myself. I will learn that I can be happy on my own - and then, and only then will I be able to truly be happy with someone else.
....So, no, you won't always be alone, kiki - but we need time to heal by ourselves before we can share ourselves with another.

I hope this made sense - and I hope I haven't misspoken.

Hugs to you...
Sam

Click to expand...

It does make sense. A lot of it. I'm sorry for what you went through with your brother. Don't let them win. Your not crap. Your a very caring person and worth 15,000 times more then they are. I hope you can get out soon. I know it isn't easy. And yes I've been asked why I didn't leave sooner. But I fully believed that he would keep his promise to go after my sisters and hurt my parents if I tried. No matter what's happened between us, I do love my family. I couldn't let him hurt them. I'd seen him hurt people in his own family, what chance did mine have.

Great Wisdom . . .

samanthak1721 said:

- the point I was going to make before I started rambling...I have fallen into a cycle, and I will continue to do so until I get myself straightened out, until I know that I deserve better, until I begin to love myself for who I am - I won't demand respect, if I can't give it to myself. So when, and if, I ever leave, I will be alone for a long time - I will go through therapy, I will learn to be strong, I will learn that I don't need to be with someone. I will learn to be comfortable with myself. I will learn that I can be happy on my own - and then, and only then will I be able to truly be happy with someone else.
....So, no, you won't always be alone, kiki - but we need time to heal by ourselves before we can share ourselves with another.

I hope this made sense - and I hope I haven't misspoken.

Hugs to you...
Sam

Click to expand...

{{{{{{{HUGS for Sam & KIKI}}}}}}}

I think you have spoken some wonderful words here Sam . . . first we have to look after ourselves, before we can we can look after anybody else . . . it IS important that we set boundaries of acceptable behaviour, and that we speak up when those boundaries are crossed . . . the cycle thing is a real phenomenon, and happens far too frequently . . . that is why Sam is so wise to get her own head together BEFORE she embarks on her next relationship . . . but recovery occurs gradually and so takes time rahter than occurring overnight . . .

Re: Great Wisdom . . .

Don K Dyck said:

{{{{{{{HUGS for Sam & KIKI}}}}}}}

I think you have spoken some wonderful words here Sam . . . first we have to look after ourselves, before we can we can look after anybody else . . . it IS important that we set boundaries of acceptable behaviour, and that we speak up when those boundaries are crossed . . . the cycle thing is a real phenomenon, and happens far too frequently . . . that is why Sam is so wise to get her own head together BEFORE she embarks on her next relationship . . . but recovery occurs gradually and so takes time rahter than occurring overnight . . .

Click to expand...

((((((((Don))))))))

Gonna head for bed now. It's after 2 in the morning. Just hope I can sleep tonight. Gonna try.
Everyone take care and sleep well.
Night.

((((don)))))

Thank you for your words... I always think that I know what I must do... but positive reinforcement always helps...

I do appreciate it.


(((((Kiki)))))
Anytime you need to, I'm here...

Re Gil

There is an update about Gil on his thread Gil T2 Fan Club . . .

He is fine but tired . . .

Gil T2 Fan Club

Re: Re: Re: Men victims of domestic violence by women

kikmosa said:

Does that mean that a person that has been abused should stay alone to keep from getting in another type of bad relationship? Because if so, then what do I have to look forward to? Why fight so hard to survive this Just to be doomed to a life of loneliness?

Click to expand...

Not at all. The person helping someone out of a bad relationship should not get involved with the person he or she might be helping. The helper becomes a rescuer and the helpee is a "victim." The relationship is inherently unbalanced from the start.

Get out, begin recovery, then worry about getting into another relationship.

kikmosa,

I think what amfig is trying to say here is that people who are abused tend to cling to the most secure person in their lives when they get out of a abusive relationship. That person is often the one that helped them get out and helped them thru the nightmare that is recovery. I know that I had to be really careful because it would have been so very easy to become involved with the one that helped me...

As a abused person all it would have taken was a kind word or a smile and I was looking for that person to be a relationship. I have been very careful in that respect...I had to get me together before I could even begin to look at a relationship. So I looked at everyone as a friend and that helped. Yes it is nice to be held and cuddled and to know that there is someone there to chase the nightmares away. To have someone that makes you feel safe and not so alone. But the "transitional relationship" is often one that ends in about 24 months and usually badly.

You will heal and you will get into a relationship and it will be a good one because of your inner strength. You begin to be better able to pick the relationships that you want to nuture and that will nuture you as move along in the healing process. You will amaze yourself at the way that you look at people in a whole new light.

I do ramble during mid-term week and that is the only excuse that I have for this...

Up date on Gil

It's looking like he will be home tomorrow

Maybe I'm being selfish...

I have a question...please can someone answer it!

I sit here and read and it brings me to the point of breaking down! So many abused woman and men! WHY? What the fuck is it that starts this?

That is not my question, but it is one that is burning in my mind.

My question is this:

What do you tell the person that WAS THERE for them! Was the one that helped and fell in love and wanted her! You say woman that come out of abusive relationships are clingy and that they need to realize this and not fall in love with first man they meet that gives them a smile. I WAS THAT MAN. I was that guy that took the time when no one else would. I was that man that listened for hrs on end. I was the one that cried with her! I fell in love. I love her sooo much. I was the one that sat there as she yelled and yelled and yelled at me. Cursing me and swearing at me. Accusing me of everything under the sun, yet I had done nothing wrong! Like I said in a previous post, I have only been in two relationships. The first was a 7-year one that turned out to be more of a friendship then a relationship. And then this one for over a year. What could I have possibly done wrong? I listened as she yelled and cursed and ran out and ran back in. All I said to myself was that "I know she loves me, I know she loves me, I know she loves me..this anger is not at me but her past", it became a mantra! And after a few hours the truth would come out and we'd have a break threw of something.

So what do you tell me now that she feels that she can't move on with me in her life? I was there threw all the shit. I was the one that got stuff thrown at me. I was the FIRST MAN not to LIE to her, CHEAT on her or ABUSE her. But now she can't have me in her life. I love her so much...

Maybe it's selfish. I don't know. But this is something that is eating at me.

Sincerely.
A crushed Stephen Daedalus
PS - I never yelled back. Maybe that’s what went wrong, I never defended myself.

- Posted well listening to BETH ORTON "DAYBREAK"

Re: Maybe I'm being selfish...

S.Daedalus said:

I have a question...please can someone answer it!

I sit here and read and it brings me to the point of breaking down! So many abused woman and men! WHY? What the fuck is it that starts this?

That is not my question, but it is one that is burning in my mind.

My question is this:

What do you tell the person that WAS THERE for them! Was the one that helped and fell in love and wanted her! You say woman that come out of abusive relationships are clingy and that they need to realize this and not fall in love with first man they meet that gives them a smile. I WAS THAT MAN. I was that guy that took the time when no one else would. I was that man that listened for hrs on end. I was the one that cried with her! I fell in love. I love her sooo much. I was the one that sat there as she yelled and yelled and yelled at me. Cursing me and swearing at me. Accusing me of everything under the sun, yet I had done nothing wrong! Like I said in a previous post, I have only been in two relationships. The first was a 7-year one that turned out to be more of a friendship then a relationship. And then this one for over a year. What could I have possibly done wrong? I listened as she yelled and cursed and ran out and ran back in. All I said to myself was that "I know she loves me, I know she loves me, I know she loves me..this anger is not at me but her past", it became a mantra! And after a few hours the truth would come out and we'd have a break threw of something.

So what do you tell me now that she feels that she can't move on with me in her life? I was there threw all the shit. I was the one that got stuff thrown at me. I was the FIRST MAN not to LIE to her, CHEAT on her or ABUSE her. But now she can't have me in her life. I love her so much...

Maybe it's selfish. I don't know. But this is something that is eating at me.

Sincerely.
A crushed Stephen Daedalus
PS - I never yelled back. Maybe that’s what went wrong, I never defended myself.

- Posted well listening to BETH ORTON "DAYBREAK"

Click to expand...

Been there. Did that. It was how I got into the marriage to the second wife, who became the abuser. Again, it is a "transactional analysis" model. Victims, rescuers and persecutors. Victims do a wonderful job of persecuting their rescuers.

Get over her. It is time to move on.

you said that better than i ever could amfig and i thank you for it. english can be a bear when it is a second language.

Stephen, you have been abused...bottom line and you know how to find me if you just want to talk about it. I know that it doesn't make much sense to you.

I am here for anyone who needs me just drop a pm and i will contact you.

Good Advice

Native Alien said:

kikmosa,

I think what amfig is trying to say here is that people who are abused tend to cling to the most secure person in their lives when they get out of a abusive relationship. That person is often the one that helped them get out and helped them thru the nightmare that is recovery. I know that I had to be really careful because it would have been so very easy to become involved with the one that helped me...

As a abused person all it would have taken was a kind word or a smile and I was looking for that person to be a relationship. I have been very careful in that respect...I had to get me together before I could even begin to look at a relationship. So I looked at everyone as a friend and that helped. Yes it is nice to be held and cuddled and to know that there is someone there to chase the nightmares away. To have someone that makes you feel safe and not so alone. But the "transitional relationship" is often one that ends in about 24 months and usually badly.

You will heal and you will get into a relationship and it will be a good one because of your inner strength. You begin to be better able to pick the relationships that you want to nuture and that will nuture you as move along in the healing process. You will amaze yourself at the way that you look at people in a whole new light.

I do ramble during mid-term week and that is the only excuse that I have for this...

Click to expand...

Not rambling, Alien . . . very sound advice . . . thank you

Re: Maybe I'm being selfish...

S.Daedalus said:

I have a question...please can someone answer it!

I sit here and read and it brings me to the point of breaking down! So many abused woman and men! WHY? What the fuck is it that starts this?

That is not my question, but it is one that is burning in my mind.

My question is this:

What do you tell the person that WAS THERE for them! Was the one that helped and fell in love and wanted her! You say woman that come out of abusive relationships are clingy and that they need to realize this and not fall in love with first man they meet that gives them a smile. I WAS THAT MAN. I was that guy that took the time when no one else would. I was that man that listened for hrs on end. I was the one that cried with her! I fell in love. I love her sooo much. I was the one that sat there as she yelled and yelled and yelled at me. Cursing me and swearing at me. Accusing me of everything under the sun, yet I had done nothing wrong! Like I said in a previous post, I have only been in two relationships. The first was a 7-year one that turned out to be more of a friendship then a relationship. And then this one for over a year. What could I have possibly done wrong? I listened as she yelled and cursed and ran out and ran back in. All I said to myself was that "I know she loves me, I know she loves me, I know she loves me..this anger is not at me but her past", it became a mantra! And after a few hours the truth would come out and we'd have a break threw of something.

So what do you tell me now that she feels that she can't move on with me in her life? I was there threw all the shit. I was the one that got stuff thrown at me. I was the FIRST MAN not to LIE to her, CHEAT on her or ABUSE her. But now she can't have me in her life. I love her so much...

Maybe it's selfish. I don't know. But this is something that is eating at me.

Sincerely.
A crushed Stephen Daedalus
PS - I never yelled back. Maybe that’s what went wrong, I never defended myself.

- Posted well listening to BETH ORTON "DAYBREAK"

Click to expand...

Hi Stephen, Been there . . . done that . . . and the break up hurt like hell!!!! Fortunately I had two good friends who listened to my self-doubts, anger, self-flagellation and all the other stuff . . . and just said, "Feel better? Now it's time to get over it and move on . . ."

Two years later, I know they were right then . . . but I found it difficult to accept that a relationship could break up without animosity from myself . . . from hard experience, it can . . . and does . . .

The future often turns out differently to our expectations . . . some say that our experiences prepare us for a better future . . . I'm prepared to accept that, and move on to the future that I want for MYself . . .

As Amfig says . . . it's time to get over her and move on . . . you deserve better . . .

Hi friends so niceto see people caring about others here in my absence.

Big hugs to all who need them and I will catch up on all I've missed.

Re: Re: Re: Men victims of domestic violence by women

kikmosa said:

Does that mean that a person that has been abused should stay alone to keep from getting in another type of bad relationship? Because if so, then what do I have to look forward to? Why fight so hard to survive this Just to be doomed to a life of loneliness?

Click to expand...

Hi Kiki,

No you don't have to stay alone... but it's just as important to not jump into another relationship too soon. You must take time to heal, and find out who this beautiful Lady named Kiki is, and what she wants out of life. A true plan of action. Now that you are rid of the problem (him) what do you want? Are you happy with your job? Do you want to go back to school and further your education? Where would you like to live eventually? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

But as I said, the healing has to come first so that you can truly see all of the opportunities that await you. You've been blessed with a chance to live... many abused women have that chance stolen from them. God, I'm so glad that you found Lit. Not just for you, but for all of us.

I just shared this song with Gil at his thread, but I'd like to leave it here for you too. If you're not familiar with the melody, it's a great song that's extremely upbeat and moving.

Whenever God Shines His Light On Me
Van Morrison

Whenever God shines his light on me
Opens up my eyes so I can see
When I look up in the darkest night
I know everything's going to be alright
In deep confusion, in great despair
When I reach out for him he is there
When I am lonely as I can be
I know that God shines his light on me

Reach out for him, he'll be there
With him your troubles you can share
If you live the life you love
You get the blessing from above
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in Jesus name

He'll lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground

Reach out for him, he'll be there
With him your troubles you can share
You can use his higher power
In every day and any hour
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in Jesus name

He'll lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground.

What about someone like me, who got out of her relationship on her own, who lives alone, who met her love online after moving out (only 3 weeks after though), who has known this wonderful man for just 5 months but both of them are absolutely sure that this is so right.....

He still has to get out of his own relationship which is not a happy one.....we are separated by distance but manage to meet occasionally. It is good that I have my own space, and he will most probably have his own space too after he leaves, to find a job, finish his studies and get his divorce underway (he is a full-time student, but fixes computers on the side). We are both in our mid 40s, only now am I discovering how wonderful love is. I have completed a teacher aide certificate and am contemplating doing a teaching diploma. He supports me in everything I am doing, loves me for who and what I am (I am bi but that's not a problem for him). I believe we have been searching for each other our whole lives, we are two halves who just don't feel complete unless we are together, but we are prepared to wait until the time is right for both of us

People have said to me "Are you sure this isn't just a rebound thing?" If it was we'd both be together right now and damn the consequences.....but this is a test of our love and I know it is strong enough to withstand the distance and time constraints

What about someone like me, who got out of her relationship on her own

Click to expand...

This is the most important part of what you said Bandit in my way of thinking. You got out. On your own. That means that he is not your rescuer.

This is the difference here. As to the rebound thing, when people ask about that smile sweetly and say to them:

If it is a rebound thing, I want to just keep rebounding.

What amfig and I were speaking of are the relationships that come from getting out of the abusive relationships with the help of someone and then becoming dependent on that person.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, i was up late studying and it is early now and I haven't had my coffee....just overlook me....