How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Re: kikmosa

www.rainn.org

Kiki Im told there is an office in your state and a 1800 number you can call.

please try it.

Ask and you will recieve.

I care.

Others care.

 

[MsTerious]

wow

Gil, you seem to have hit the nail on the head with this thread. (sorry about the pun, unintentional) Similar to the pain thread, I can't believe that this thread didn't already exist. What an excellent opportunity for women (or perhaps even men) to share their experiences and hopefully work thru them, with the help of those of us who really care.

Bandit, Kiki, Dream, Arden, Ladybird
GROUP HUG!!!

Ladies, I am online literally all day. Please pm me and talk to me. I've been known to give some good advice. I'm happy to give any of you my messenger nics. I really want to be there for any and all of you to talk to.

Be well!

 

[Ukin]

Kiki

Kiki sweetheart...damn, your story brought a tear to my eyes. I am so sorry for what you went through, no-one deserves that abuse, no-one deserves ANY abuse.
Honey, I want to let you know that you have a ton of friends on Lit, all OUR PM boxes are open for you, OUR support is here for you and most certainly, MY phone line is always open for you, if you ever feel the need to TALK to someone, to have someone listen and understand.
All I can say is that there is ALWAYS a corner to turn..some might be a longer curve than others, but trust ME on this..I have myself turned a huge corner in the past..and the relief when I did turn it was both wonderful and enormous. Whilst my "corner" is insignificant to yours...trust me honey..you will get there and when you do, the relief will be untold and unbound.
I guess we have all been hurt, physically and mentally...but you must find the strength and the willingness to get around that corner..the results are worthwhile.

NEVER forget Kiki...we are your friends..hit on us..PM us..phone us..email..anything.. just USE us.

Keep the strength..keep the smiles..keep the bad days away..the future is bright..I speak from personal knowledge.

With fondest love, hugs and kisses...Ukin

 

[wildone28]

KIKI.......My heart broke for you when I read this hon..I am so sorry for the bad things that have happened in your life..I know we don't know each other all that well but if you ever need anyone to talk to to lean or to have some one listen to you I will be here..I am around on MSN or Yahoo all the time of the night..I wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you things will be alright...Please take care of yourself and know you have friends here for you...

*tight Hugs*

 

[Bandit58]

Gil - you sound like my man when I told him what my husband put me through. He called it rape - and it was. I had lived with it for so long that I thought I had to put up with it.

My self esteem was down in my boots, I had no job (we had a farm), two kids and he took me for granted. He wasn't a control freak like Ladybird's husband but he abused me emotionally and put me down in subtle little ways for so long that I thought I wasn't capable of doing anything other than being at his beck and call. I was always quiet and shy, he was my first boyfriend and I think I was in love with the idea of having a husband and family.....I was 19 when I married him. Two kids later I felt overweight and frumpy.....I hid myself under baggy clothes and felt unattractive and unloved.

What changed? I got a voluntary job at the local school. Suddenly I was doing something worthwhile, making a difference, enjoying life a little. We got a computer and I discovered the internet......and found friends who shared the same interests I had, and who were fun to talk to and led interesting lives. I started to study for a teacher aide certificate, I discovered that I had a brain and was passing papers successfully! The marriage began to crack.....he was jealous that I was taking time away from him. I met Jeremy online at the end of last year. He was 30 years old and I was 43. Would you believe that I was so shy I couldn't even TYPE sex stuff let alone talk about it?? He brought me out of my shell, I started to learn about my body and how good I could feel......and I knew that what I had wasn't right and hadn't been for a long time.

This year the school offered me a part time job. That was my out.....for the first time I had money of my own (not a lot, but a start). One day in March things came to a head and after yet another putdown I just blurted out that I'd had enough, we didn't have anything in common anymore (if we ever did) and that I wanted to leave. It was another month before a house became vacant and I could move out.....I went to the spare room and we lived separate lives in the same house. The kids were older, our son was away at uni and our daughter is 14 and old enough to understand......I've been here 6 months now and I'm still getting used to the freedom. I'm only 20km away from my daughter and I see her twice a week, and we call each other on the phone too. The separation agreement was signed last week so I should be getting some money soon I've been on a welfare benefit as well as working part time, I've completed that certificate, found a wonderful new love (or he found me, on ICQ) and we're just waiting for both of us to get our lives sorted so we can be together.......

I know there are good men out there......because I found one. We can't be together very often (he lives 5 hours drive away) but when we do meet it's wonderful......we talk on ICQ and the phone most days and our love just keeps getting stronger. I have found out what it's like to love and be loved......be strong Kikmosa, you've taken the first step by reaching out to us here, and that's always the hardest one to make......love and hugs to you

 

[peachykeen]

ok first of all kudos to everyone here with the courage to be so open and honest.


One little tiny tidbit of information that has made a huge difference in my life is the fact that within seven years, every single cell in your body has been replaced. For me this means that evey cell in my body has been made new twice over since I was abused. Therefore, the abuser has never in fact laid a finger on me as I am today. Not one. This body that I walk around in every day has never known abuse, in other words.

I know it may seem like an odd and insignifigant thing to someone who has never experienced abuse, but to me, realizing this fact was a revelation. It really was like a lightning bolt hit me.

Dunno if that will help anyone else here or not, but if it does, I'm glad.

 

[tonitits]

I, too, was married a long time to a man that, I don't think, ever loved me. In all honesty I don't even remember marrying him. I just remember him showing up at a place that a friend and I had gone too and him getting mad because I was there. He made me sit at his table where he could watch me. I do remember getting up to go to the ladies room and coming back. I really don't remember much else for a few days. The next thing I do remember is waking up in a room in a place in Mexico with him beside me. When he told me we had gotten married I thought he was crazy. I tried to leave but I didn't even know where I was and I couldn't speak Spanish. I found out later that everyone in this town was pretty much a member of one family in one way or another so they wouldn't have helped me even if I could have talked to them. He caught up to me and dragged me back to the room and that's when it started. He said he had to teach me to be a good wife. His way of teaching was very painful. After beating me til I could barely move he threw me on the bed on my stomach and tied my arms behind me. Then he raped me. This set the pattern for a long time. I was never alowed to do anything without his permission or I was punished. I couldn't even eat or drink without his permission. For two years I lived like this. Two years of hell. By the time he decided to move, he owned me. And yes I tried to run again. The first time he broke my leg so I couldn't run. The next time he 'gave' me to the cousin that caught me for the night. The thrid time he cut the tendon to my large toe to keep me from walking. The fourth time he told me that if I did it again he was going after my sisters. There was no fifth time. When we moved it was back to the states. He had to be more careful there. Still he found ways to punish me. One night I found several bottles of Tequila that he had put away. I decided then and there that it would be my way out. I snuck them away and got out of the house. I found an empty lot and started to drink. If I had any sense I would have opened all the bottles before I started. I didn't and by the time I got to the fourth I couldn't open it. I passed out and still would have died only someone found me and called the paramedics. When I got out of the hospital He put me back in by beating me for embarrassing him. And the years rolled on. 16 years I lived like that. 16 years of hell. No escape and no hope. Then one day he walks in and tells me he's leaving me for someone younger. Said I didn't scream enough for him any more. God I was so afraid that it was just a new way to torture me. But it wasn't. He did leave and I packed up and ran as fast as I could. I filed for divorce and ran again. It's been four years now and I still live in fear of him. I feel like I can never trust another man to get close to me. And I've tried. God I've tried. The only one I've been able to get close enough to turned out to be a bastard in another way. Seems he was going to do it as a favor for a so-called friend of mine but he couldn't go through with it. Just points out to me how right I was to not trust. I don't know if I can ever heal from this. I carry scars so deep inside of me that they may never go away. I'm not even sure life is worth living anymore. But I've promised someone that I won't do that so it's not an option anymore. But how can I get over this? How can I keep going on? I'm just so tired. Someone, please, tell me how deal with this. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused. I just want it to end......

Kiki - I am so sorry for what you went through. I married young and was in an abusive situation, not nearly as bad as yours, but being raised to not depend on a man and knowing that I could make it on my own somehow, I survived. My husband karate kicked me in the kidneys, slapped me, hit me a few times and I told him if he ever did it again he better kill me because I would not go down without a fight. One time he got mad at me and put a gun to my head and said that he was going to blow my brains out. I was scared for a few moments and then this calm, peace came over me. I told him to go ahead because I could not take it anymore. We finally divorced when I got proof that he was cheating on me. I might add that I had alot of support from my family also. I was scarred for years from that. I tried to commit suicide several times. I have never remarried. I did not even attempt to date for over a year and then I found that men just wanted me to FUCK ME, not for me. I had my roommates boyfriend rape me. And then I pretty much gave up on men. I did meet a man I thought was nice and I got pregnant, he split, but I got a wonderful son out of that situation. So I do not totally regret that one. Then I went 7 yrs with no sex, no man, just working and taking care of my son. That was all I needed, I thought. Then I met a man I work with and he made me feel beautiful and wanted and brought out the woman in me. He however just wants me for sex also. But he is a great friend and if it were not for him I would not have been able to overcome alot of the trash I took from the previous men. And now being here on Lit and meeting some very nice, wonderful men I learned to open up and take a chance again. I know that I may get my heart broken again. If so it will probably be the last. I don't know if I couldn't handle it again. But I have met a wonderful man who loves me. It is not easy and it took me many years to overcome. Just take it easy and slow and hopefully someday you will meet a wonderful man who is patient, loving and will be there for you always. You know I look back on all the times that I tried to kill myself, I am so glad that I did not succeed. Someone had to have been looking out for me. Kiki hang in there and know that we love you and suicide is NOT the answer. You are a wonderful person and deserve to find happiness. I wish you the best. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I am here for you. Hang in there sweetie.

 

[Arden]

{{{{KIKI}}}}
Just thinking of you and
dropped by with a hug!

 

[someplace]

I too endured a long abusive marriage which I am still trying to get past. I do not believe all men are like my husband and I've been incredibly gifted with a lovely gentle man I met through Lit. It is so sweet to be cherished for myself and above all else, to feel SAFE in his arms. There is light at the end of the journey. Please do not ever give up.

I was involved in a women's group last year. I wanted to do a fluff piece when it was my turn to give the program. My friends scoffed at my light ideas and encouraged me to give the message I was meant to give. It took a lot of courage to give the program on "being wounded". It meant I had to reveal my true background to people who'd previously believed the polished shell I lived in. I went ahead, took a deep breath and did it because I prayed that just one woman would need to hear what I had to say. The meeting lasted twice as long as normal -- once the dam broke, every single woman there (except one who told us of her struggle with alcoholism) acknowledged that she'd either been abused or watched her mother being abused. Two women there had never told a soul before about their personal hell. It was an emotionally draining day and it completely overwhelmed me.

I have since been approached on many occasions to point women in a direction for help. Help IS out there. Accepting it is one of the first steps toward a more positive life.

The other thing I want women who have been abused to know is that sometimes if you feel less worthy about yourself, remember: you are a SURVIVOR. By getting this far through your darkness, you have acquired tremendous TREMENDOUS survival and coping skills. And that is worth a lot!

 

[virginleo20]

well just to point out that men are not the only abusers out there and its just as bad trying to get over the abuse from women.
It different kind of abuse but still its just as bad.


In the case no one mentioned the little factoid.

 

[KnightWing]

Kiki... There is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. I am so sorry that the man (if he can be called that), you were with did the things he did. Just know that you are a survivor. You are well on your way to being in better hands. Keep a positive attitude. I know it's hard sometimes, but help is just a PM away. My box is always empty... (no one loves me!)

Remember to laugh everyday. It helps, trust me. (I'm really not a male... just dont tell psyche, Arden, Toni, or Lady B!!!,,, I have them fooled!!!) lol.... Just kidding.

Hang in there lady... use your resources and keep smiling.

I'm sorry to hear of so many of you lovely ladies who have had bad relationships.

Hugs and 's to you all.

 

[Gil_T2]

well just to point out that men are not the only abusers out there and its just as bad trying to get over the abuse from women.
It different kind of abuse but still its just as bad.


In the case no one mentioned the little factoid.

Seeing your post has given me the courage to tell mine and no one has ever heard it, it has been so hard for me to overcome emotionally.

A lady I worked with confided in me that her husband was abusing her(because I asked about the marks on her throat), He raped her EVERY day at at times at gun point.
I convinced her to leave him and found a safe place for her to stay
and was there for her,she asked me to have sex with her as she wanted me to be much more that a friend, I declined and said she needed a friend more than a relationship but if she still wanted more from me later on I'd be only to happy to be able to love her (becase I'd never told her but I DID love her from the first time I saw her...I know it's story book stuff but it's true).
WE went out for dinner,movies,visiting friends and just talking about how she could improve her life.
She even went on a few dates but they turned out to be only after sex and not really interested in her.
Then one night after a hot summer nights ride on my motorbike I dropped her off at her place and gave her to usual kiss good night as a friend but we both got into a more passonate kiss and ended up in bed making love.
We kept this up for many months then after her divorce came through she said "I'm free would you like to marry me" I said yes and we were things were great and I met an old friend and found he had a job opening at his place so I told her about it and her self esteem jumped,sounds great so far....
She had made friends with some of the ladies there and had a weekly night out with the girls.Little did I know one of them was constantly putting me down to her and she was listening because mind games started and we were rapidly growing apart
and without all the details my mind got more and more twisted by this lady I loved and adored . Then I found out she was also seeing the back stabbers mate and we eventually split.
So the short of it is it isn't just the scum of males who abuse but also females even though it is different it hurts just as much I went 5 years without sex or even dating I was so hurt and anyone who knows me knows how horny I am ALL the time, thinking back I can't even remember masterbating I was so depressed and during that time I tried to kill my self a few times and ended up in a nut house under heavy meds.

 

[Don K Dyck]

You are Strong . . . You will Survive . . .

Seeing your post has given me the courage to tell mine and no one has ever heard it, it has been so hard for me to overcome emotionally.

A lady I worked with . . .

Hey Gil, it's real tough when you do everything you can to make a relationship work and the for some external reason, it turns to sh*t in your arms . . .

But there is a pattern . . . people coming out of relationships, especially long term relationships, often are very fragile emotionally and this is shown by the way they handle their new relationships . . . One reponse is serial promiscuity . . . another is the security of a monogamous relationship, but accompanied by the garbage of history . . . these relationships frequently last 12-18 months and then come unstuck . . . the people concerned are naturally upset, but there is a pattern . . . this first relationship folowing a long term relationship is called a "transitionary relationship" and frequently pre-dates a later and successful long term relationship with a different partner . . . provided the garbage of the past is resolved, and the parties are ready to move on together . . .

A relationship break up hurts emotionally to differing extents for the individuals concerned . . . but people survive these challenges of life, and go on to be stronger, more balanced individuals for their experience . . .

Keep smiling ~ it improves your face value . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: You are Strong . . . You will Survive . . .

Hey Gil, it's real tough when you do everything you can to make a relationship work and the for some external reason, it turns to sh*t in your arms . . .

But there is a pattern . . . people coming out of relationships, especially long term relationships, often are very fragile emotionally and this is shown by the way they handle their new relationships . . . One reponse is serial promiscuity . . . another is the security of a monogamous relationship, but accompanied by the garbage of history . . . these relationships frequently last 12-18 months and then come unstuck . . . the people concerned are naturally upset, but there is a pattern . . . this first relationship folowing a long term relationship is called a "transitionary relationship" and frequently pre-dates a later and successful long term relationship with a different partner . . . provided the garbage of the past is resolved, and the parties are ready to move on together . . .

A relationship break up hurts emotionally to differing extents for the individuals concerned . . . but people survive these challenges of life, and go on to be stronger, more balanced individuals for their experience . . .

Keep smiling ~ it improves your face value . . .

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yes I am guilty of the "transitionary relationship" as the first lady I get involved with was hurt by me because I couldn't cope with the affection she was giving me and I hurt her emotions, thankfully we remain friend and talk infrequently but thats because of the relationship she is in and how busy she is with work.
I can state honestly that I have never cheated on any lady I've been with and never will.

 

[kikmosa]

Seeing your post has given me the courage to tell mine and no one has ever heard it, it has been so hard for me to overcome emotionally.

A lady I worked with confided in me that her husband was abusing her(because I asked about the marks on her throat), He raped her EVERY day at at times at gun point.
I convinced her to leave him and found a safe place for her to stay
and was there for her,she asked me to have sex with her as she wanted me to be much more that a friend, I declined and said she needed a friend more than a relationship but if she still wanted more from me later on I'd be only to happy to be able to love her (becase I'd never told her but I DID love her from the first time I saw her...I know it's story book stuff but it's true).
WE went out for dinner,movies,visiting friends and just talking about how she could improve her life.
She even went on a few dates but they turned out to be only after sex and not really interested in her.
Then one night after a hot summer nights ride on my motorbike I dropped her off at her place and gave her to usual kiss good night as a friend but we both got into a more passonate kiss and ended up in bed making love.
We kept this up for many months then after her divorce came through she said "I'm free would you like to marry me" I said yes and we were things were great and I met an old friend and found he had a job opening at his place so I told her about it and her self esteem jumped,sounds great so far....
She had made friends with some of the ladies there and had a weekly night out with the girls.Little did I know one of them was constantly putting me down to her and she was listening because mind games started and we were rapidly growing apart
and without all the details my mind got more and more twisted by this lady I loved and adored . Then I found out she was also seeing the back stabbers mate and we eventually split.
So the short of it is it isn't just the scum of males who abuse but also females even though it is different it hurts just as much I went 5 years without sex or even dating I was so hurt and anyone who knows me knows how horny I am ALL the time, thinking back I can't even remember masterbating I was so depressed and during that time I tried to kill my self a few times and ended up in a nut house under heavy meds.

Oh God, Gil. I'm so sorry that she did that to you. It's not right. ((((((((((((((((Gil)))))))))))))))))))) I wish I could hold you and make you feel better.

 

[Ladybird]

There is so much love and support here for each other, it's just wonderful.

Gil I want to thank you for creating this thread. It has shown how we can all emerge from abusive relationships, and move on. I have given the thread a vote of 5, I hope others do too.

Thanks Gil...

 

[Monazwx]

You can vote for threads?
How?

 

[Alsharlan]

Geez Kiki.. thats awful

Hi Kiki

I cant help because I am a male and cant possibly think why men do this to another human being.

However, I can add LadyBird as a wonderful person (who DOES know) as someone you can trust.... no disrespect to the other offers of help, I just dont know you, and this is a very sensitive issue for Kiki.

TC Kiki.. I hope you get through this.

Al

 

[Gil_T2]

Votes

You can vote for threads?
How?

The voting is at the bottom right of the page.I hope all are well and please feel fre to post,PM or email me or ant of the kind caring LIT friends we have here.

In your travels through the threads or in chat or on other sites and you see someone that might fit in here PLEASE invite them in.

Big hugs to all who need them.

Alsharlan....Just because you are a male dosen't exclude you from being able to help I think it's our duty to be here to help in any way we can and as I said above if you see someone who might be helped by this thread inform them of it.

 

[Alsharlan]

Gil

Hi Gil

What I was trying to do was verify Ladybird as a credible reference, as opposed to "sympathetic" male preditor (Ladybird is a wonderful woman, and has, unfortunately, experience in this space). Nothing more or less.

May they connect and help each other.

TC

Al

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Gil

Hi Gil

What I was trying to do was verify Ladybird as a credible reference, as opposed to "sympathetic" male preditor (Ladybird is a wonderful woman, and has, unfortunately, experience in this space). Nothing more or less.

May they connect and help each other.

TC

Al

There are only genuine males posting here so far and if any preditors dare to enter they will regret the move because I and the others will make their LIT lives a missery till they leave.

LADYBIRD is a friend of mine both here and in R/L and is just as wonderful in both a true lady.
I started this thread to help a friend in need and nowhope we can as a group help anyone who comes here looking for help.

Just the fact that you bothered to post here shows you do care and your support is welcome

 

[Monazwx]

Thanks for the info. Gil. Tough break with that relationship, but it's great that you've picked up the pieces and moved on. Those learning experiences are never easy, but it happens. At least you can console yourself with the fact that you helped a woman at risk.

Hey Bandit58, good to see that everything went well honey.
Kiki, after reading through your ordeal, I was blown away. I'm just so glad you got out of that man's sadistic path. Ironic that he has a new 'girlfriend', poor gal. Anyway, rebuilding your life may seem scary, but it's also exciting and you're finally free to do anything you choose, so have a blast! You deserve to do whatever you want.

Had to rate this thread as excellent-5. So many people have opened up and allowed the healing to start working in their lives. It's inspirational and very encouraging.

 

[Ladybird]

Gil and Al, it's great to have you BOTH here. The majority (but not all) of people abused during marriage are women, and your presence here is proof that not all men are abusive.

Just by posting here, and showing your care and concern will help a lot of the women here heal. We need to see some 'good' guys, we already know about the bad ones.

Thank you for your faith in me Al, it means a lot. I am always here for ANYBODY that needs an ear or a shoulder. And ladies if any of you ever need a voice on the phone.. PM me.. together we can all work thru this. I've come a long way already.. I'm a much different person today than the one that moved out on her own 12 months ago.

Lets all look ahead... cos what's behind us is crap!

Congratulations Gil, a five star thread already. I just shows how much of a need there is for something like this. Well done, my friend.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks LB that is high praize comming from you but I'm sure KW,Ukin or Don would havedone exactly the same as I did.


I just hope this thread dosen't fade out and not here when someone who needs it comes looking.

PLEASE IF YOU FIND A SITE WHERE PEOPLE CAN FIND HELP PLEASE POST IT.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Thanks LB that is high praize comming from you but I'm sure KW,Ukin or Don would havedone exactly the same as I did.


I just hope this thread dosen't fade out and not here when someone who needs it comes looking.

PLEASE IF YOU FIND A SITE WHERE PEOPLE CAN FIND HELP PLEASE POST IT.

Congratulations Gil!! 5-Star . . . hard earned . . . well deserved . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE!!! EVER!!!