Why is it so hard to say 'no', when you KNOW you need to?

[lickerish]

I've known her for four years.

She is 30, I am 24.

Our kids play together.

We're both single moms, I work my ass off.. she lives off her child support.

She needs toilet paper, food, babysitter, a friend.. I've got her back.

She has a cell phone (she has no home phone) in my name (I work for the company, get a cheap deal). She hasn't been paying me her half and she's been racking up the charges.

My point..

She does 'recreational drugs', used to be every other weekend when she didn't have her kids.

I abhor drugs. Not worth the risk of getting my beautiful babies taken away from me. I don't care if you do it, just don't offer me any.

She has been falling hard.. went from every other weekend to every day. She does it when she has her kids.. driving them around in the car when she's high.. yelling at them for stupid things. She's not bound to quit anytime soon.

I am beside myself. I've been paying her bills so that she doesn't lose the roof over her kids head.. cuz she's spending the child support on the obvious. I stand by and watch the hurt in her 8 year olds eyes because there is no food in their kitchen.. or because mom is wiggin' out from tweakin' for a week. I can't say no to her. Why the hell do I let her take advantage of me?? She know's I'll be there for her through thick and thin.

What do I do? How can I say no? How do I fix this?

I know I should call child protective services.. but I know she'll know it was me.. and the people she is hanging out with are shameless enough to harm me and my family in retaliation.

I'm lost people.. I need some unbiased advice.

 

[KillerMuffin]

You already know, darlin.

Maybe you could probably find out about their father and give him a tip off as to what his cash is being spent on. Then it puts it on him, not you, and he'll make sure she doesn't screw him, even if he doesn't give a rats ass about the kids.

 

[lickerish]

Oh, I know who the dad is, and I know he does love them.. but I have no way of being able to tell him.

I know that option is the best for the kids.

I am so stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Why can't you tell him? Don't know how to reach him?

 

[lickerish]

Exactly. No phone number, don't know where he lives..

The only time I see him is when he is picking up the kids.. and I can't very well tattle on her when she's standing right there.

There has got to be someway to open her eyes.. to see what she is doing is so wrong.

I know what addicts are about, my brother was one before he died.. but I never had to *deal* with him, I was too young to understand how to help him. But I know that they have to *want* to quit.. and the whole *hitting rock bottom* thing.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Do you know his name? What city he lives in? What kind of work he does? Do you have access to her house while she's not paying attention to what you may be doing? If so, can you get his name and address, maybe phone number, off of his checks? Has the children mentioned anything about him to you? Could you get information from them? He must have some clue what's going on, he has to notice that they're starving and she's drugged up. One would think.

There is no way to make another person see anything until they're good and ready to see it. It may taking losing her children to wake her the heck up. Of course, she'll be really pissed if she ever finds out you had a hand in it. Eventually, though, she'll get over it if she gets sober. If she never gets sober, then is she really that much of a friend?

 

[Orlanth]

I wont give you any advice, because I have no idea of what to do. But I think the best thing to do is to tell the father of her kids. How? That'll be hard, but I am sure you'll find a way.

*Snuggles*

 

[lickerish]

Yes, I know his name.. but conveniently, it is unlisted. He lives in the same city as we do. It would be impossible to snoop around without her catching on. Everybody, ie. her family, notices that she is 'a bit more outgoing' than normal, everybody knows that she gets high, but nobody wants to get involved. It's not their problem.

I am the only one with the balls.. I just need to find a way without getting myself or my kids hurt or killed (sounds melodramatic, but it's true).

If something bad happens to them (her kids), it's my fault for not preventing it beforehand.
Thank you for responding KM, you've given me some ideas.

~~~~~~~

Thank you SB

 

[Starfish]

What kind of drugs is she addicted to?

If the woman is doing smack or coke, then she needs intervention.

Maybe you should just tip off social services. If she is deemed as being unfit then the Dad may get them for a time, and she can get treatment. Drug addiction is a medical and psycological condition, and should be treated as one. She is lacking something that she is masking with drugs. The kids are suffering for it, and you are a third party to it if you don't put your foot down. Not to mention that she is taking advantage of you.

(Oopps, I guess you just said that, in so many words.)


You are a good Mom, Licky. You know that if you ever 'snapped' and did stupid shit like this woman, you'd want someone to get your ass whipped back into shape no matter how you resented it at the time.

This is a tough one, but maybe you should just call the authorities.

 

[lickerish]

Crank.

AND

One night she just up and left, so I stayed the night to watch the kids. She called at 1AM promising me she would be home by 5AM that morning.. and then she went off on a tangent, about not using heroin.. and I hadn't even mentioned it in the first place!

So I can only assume...

 

[Starfish]

Oh, Goodie! A Meth freak. Just what you need.

Now I understand about the whole..... "getting killed" part.

You have to be extra fucking careful with these loonies. Sorry for the term, but it's true.

So, you have a bigger problem of having her possibly attacking you.

Hum....

Shit.... What was that about rocks? Hard Places?

Oh shit.

 

[lickerish]

See what I mean fishie?

Her 'friends' are a bunch of 20ish year old thugs who think they are invisible and all-powerful. They come after me for messing with her & no one will ever hear from me again..

What's messed up is when push comes to shove and she really, truly needs someone there for her.. who will be there? Not them, I guarantee they won't be anywhere in sight.

 

[Darowyn]

It's hard to face, but it's true. Your friend, the good mother is not there any more. Your new neighbour is a druggie who looks just like her.
You owe no loyalty to the druggie, she would show none to you if she had to harm you or your kids to get a fix.
Her kids are innocent and need help.
You can't harm your friend- she is away with the fairies, but harden your heart and get the kids taken care of.

 

[Starfish]

she is away with the fairies

OMG! Am I a druggie too? Reality Check!

 

[Guest]

You could try following the husband home when he picks the kids up.

OR- Suggesting to one of the younger kids that they tell Daddy that Mommy's not feeding or looking after them.

OR- Wait til school goes back, and inform a teacher via phone or annonymous letter/email that the children are being neglected and subjected to abuse. The teachers have a legal duty to report it to the authorities. Believe me, they will probably come to suspect it on their own if the kids are turning up at school unkempt, hungry and if Mom is permanently strung out.

What a problem. Poor you. Hope those kids are okay.......

 

[Svedish_Chef]

You know what I think.

 

[Orlanth]

OMG! Am I a druggie too? Reality Check!

I fail to see how you thought they ment you.

 

[Starfish]

Oh, It was a joke to myself. Sorry SB.

I am doing a painting right now, and it has faeries in the subject matter. I am "away with the faeries" while I am painting.

It was dumb, and only for my selfish benifit, and a giggle.

 

[Orlanth]

Oh, It was a joke to myself. Sorry SB.

I am doing a painting right now, and it has faeries in the subject matter. I am "away with the faeries" while I am painting.

It was dumb, and only for my selfish benifit, and a giggle.

Oh-kay then

 

[Merelan]

Yes, I like the school suggestion. is there any involved?
God Lickerish. You are stuck. Damned one way and the other. But how would she know it was you if you called anonyomously. There must be other people who see it too. other neighbors.
A simple call, at tleast here, even anononymously, gets a visit. And if they think drugs are involved a recurring visit wihtout warning.

Good luck. You at least care enough to be concerned and worried.

 

[Cheyenne]

Your personal stock was always good with me before, but it just went through the roof. You are a good person, Lickerish. The world needs more caring people like you. At least the children sure do.

I like the school idea. Explain the problem to the teacher and let them handle it from there.

Second choice is contacting the father. You get a little more personally involved that way. When he picks them up, get his car license plate number. Many states will, for a fee, give you all of the personal information of the person who owns the plates. (That would be "tags" for any of you southerners out there.)

One more thing- try to get yourself out from paying her phone bill. Tell her the policy was changed at work and you can no longer get cheaper rates for friends.

Good luck, Lickerish.

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[LadyDarcy]

I was in a similar situation and it is horrible when you feel you have a responsibility to the children, but no easy way to help them.

I agree that you should stop being responsible for her phone bill. If you feel a need to help the family out, deliver groceries.

Is it possible for you to ask for the father's number, in case you have the kids again and need an emergency contact?

I like the school idea alot. Either the teacher, the school nurse, or the guidance counselor should be able to work with you to keep your identity confidential.

If you call social services, they are supposed to keep your identity confidential. This isn't always the case, so if you are forced to do this, do it from a pay phone and do not give your name.

Another option is to call the police and have her busted. They may call social services for you. This option really stinks (use the pay phone and be anonymous), but if it comes to the point the kids are in danger, I suspect you will feel you have to do whatever you can to protect them.

Good luck - you have accepted an obligation that the mother of these children has abdicated. It sounds like these kids need someone to watch out for them and they have found a good person.

 

[lickerish]

Thank you everybody, for all of your suggestions. You have definitly given me a shred of hope on an impossible situation.

The reason why I haven't just outright called the authorities, is because I am the only person that is close enough to her that knows the real deal. Yes, her family knows. However, they are a bunch of alcoholics and tend to smoke the maryjane once in a while.. they think it would be hypocritical for them to get involved and rat on her. So, rather than create drama, they all have the attitude of 'not my problem'.

She doesn't have any other friends 'cept for the ones I described above. In fact, she often tells people that I am her sanity, her conscience. That I'm the one that keeps her straight.. which pisses me off everytime I hear her say that, cuz she hasn't been straight for months.

Therefore, the only logical choice would be me. She knows it would be me in a heartbeat. And I wouldn't be able to stand there, in her face, and lie that it wasn't.

The local CPS sucks here too, they say you can be anonymous.. but they bulldoze you for a name, and if you don't give it, they don't show up to check out the problem. That has happened to my ex sister-in-law when she called on a family member of hers.

Oh, and Cheyenne.. I desperatly need to take the phone away, my friends are mad at me for allowing her to walk all over me, but I can't bring myself to shut it off. What if there was ever an emergency and she or the kids needed it?

*Oh* & does anybody know of any really informative websites about crank and what it does? I want to educate myself so I know what I'm dealing with here.

 

[april-wine]

here's one with alot of info.......hope it helps lickerish
http://www.nida.nih.gov/researchreports/methamph/methamph.html