Voice From The Past

[Throbbin_Rod]

This is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do.....

Yesterday I got an e-mail from an old friend I haven't spoken to in about five years. She and I were very, very close friends at one time but were never intimate. She was the first true girl "friend" I ever had. We shared a lot of things with each other and one of us always had a shoulder to cry on when the other one needed it.

It never went beyond that for a lot of reasons and after I moved away we stayed in touch for awhile but eventually we both settled down and got married and lost touch with each other. I thought about her every once in awhile but never attempted to contact her.

Anyway, after I got her e-mail yesterday I gave her a call and we talked for a little bit. It was like we'd never stopped talking and I really enjoyed hearing about how she's doing.

Normally it's great to hear from an old friend but I spent the rest of the day thinking about her to the point that she was in my dreams last night. I almost didn't tell my wife I heard from her because I felt guilty about it even though I had no reason to.

Right now I'm confused, depressed and questioning my marriage. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

You sound like me

I have a girl "friend" like that too. Never went beyond friends. Just remember this: You Married your wife and she Married her husband. The two of you chose the ppl that you are with for a reason. Now I will admit, not to my wife, that I have fantasized about my friend and still do. But that is all. Idon't feel that there is anything wrong with that, but that is me. I can't tell you weather or not to tell your wife that you talked with this old friend but I would suggest it. Be honest about the phone call.

Hey my opinion is worth what I charge for it.

Good luck!

Holden

 

[DéjàNu]

I've experienced the same feeling not so long ago... I think it is because we become older so we have to think about something or someone who was there way before now. It last maybe 1 or 2 months and I realize that my life was ahead of me and not behind with this "friend". I hope you it will pass soon for you Rod...

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

Thanks.

I did tell my wife we talked but I still feel guilty about it for some reason.

I keep thinking that maybe she was the "one" and I wasn't smart enough to see it at the time.

 

[KillerMuffin]

You just had a fabulous communication with an old friend who happens to be female and probably attractive to you. That's all.

Ask yourself this:

When was the last time you had meaningful communication with your wife that made you feel better about yourself and her? When was the last time that you stepped out of the day to day business of getting by to have fun with your wife?

You're not seeing a woman that you want to replace your wife. You're seeing a friendship that you're missing out on with your wife. Chances are that if you discuss this with your wife, you'll see that she's missing your friendship, too.

A Few Suggested Remedies:

Date your wife.
Hold her hand when you're with her.
Sit her down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee/tea/coke and talk about old times with no one else around.
Ask her opinion.
Take showers with her.
Go for a walk with her every evening or morning and talk about books, movies, a joke at the office, the trees, fun things.

You need that friendship from your wife, you've got to be the one to reach out and be a friend. You love her and she's a great woman, I'll bet she'd love to be a friend, too.

I would also suggest that you talk to her about what happened. Your wife already knows something's wrong so tell her what that is to keep her from worrying. Let her know how you felt about the contact from the old friend. Tell her that you miss the friendship and you were thinking about the marriage and how you want the two of you to be friends again because you don't want to grow apart from each other. Tell her that you feel guilty even though you aren't going to do anything. Something important just happened in your life and you should share it with your best friend.

By all means, keep your female friend, but don't give her the best parts of yourself like you did way back when. Give those to your wife and she will reciprocrate. Hopes, feelings, dreams, goals. These things all change with time and it's easy to live with someone and completely lose track of them as a friend. Include yourself in her life.

 

[alexandraaah]

You see, that's why the Muff was the best wife I ever had. How did I let our marriage fail?


I think it's exciting whenever we reconnect with someone we love; be careful not to confuse endearment with lust.

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

Thing is, I can't say I lust after her. If that's what I was feeling I wouldn't be so shook up. It's more like a "Damn, I forgot what a good friend she was and I miss that" kind of thing.

 

[alexandraaah]

Thing is, I can't say I lust after her. If that's what I was feeling I wouldn't be so shook up. It's more like a "Damn, I forgot what a good friend she was and I miss that" kind of thing.

I consider this a positive feeling. Maybe you should try to think about why you're feeling guilty.....is it just for being so excited, and you don't feel you've been that excited about talking to your wife for a while?

Sounds like you might make this more complicated than it is.

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

Sounds like you might make this more complicated than it is.

Wouldn't be the first time I've done that.

 

[alexandraaah]

Wouldn't be the first time I've done that.

Well, no sense it getting yourself into a snit if even you think you might be overreacting.

I understand, I come from a long line of histrionics...er...overreacters.

You know, every good movie my mother sees is, "the best movie she's ever seen in her life, ever."

Just an example.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

Well, no sense it getting yourself into a snit if even you think you might be overreacting.

I understand, I come from a long line of histrionics...er...overreacters.

You know, every good movie my mother sees is, "the best movie she's ever seen in her life, ever."

Just an example.

The dream thing bothers me though. It's one thing to dream about somebody you lust over but this person was just a friend, albeit a very close one.

 

[BustyTheClown]

The dream thing bothers me though. It's one thing to dream about somebody you lust over but this person was just a friend, albeit a very close one.

You sound like you dream like I do. I tend to find some sort of meaning in dreams that feature people I haven't seen or talked to in a long time, especially if they play a role in my dream that isn't strictly "friendly." For instance, I just had a dream the other night about kissing one of my good guy friends -- I don't have any romantic feelings towards him (although I used to), so the dream doesn't bother me. All I was doing was remembering how much he means to me and realizing I hadn't contacted him in a while.

Your dream may be similar. It seems strange to put as much significance on it as you are doing, though. Dreams are just dreams, no matter how much you analyze them. They're like you're brain and common sense on crack -- they take something normal and healthy (like your intense joy at reconnecting with an old, close friend) and turn it into something wacky and insane, and make you start wondering how you really feel.

I guess what I'd say about the dream is, pay more attention to how you feel in your waking hours, rather than in your sleep. I'd also take Killer Muffin's advice, since it seems like it's a close friendship you feel is lacking with your wife, rather than anything sexual. She had some really valuable things to say. Try doing a few of those, rekindle the friendship in your marriage, and I wouldn't be surprised if dreams about your friend stop worrying you so much. Stay in contact with her if it is something you both want to do, and have sexual thoughts about her now and again -- as bratcat said, it's normal. But don't make a mountain out of a molehill, however easy it may be.

I overreact too, quite often. Just step back from the situation a bit and you'll realize exactly why you feel the way you do and what to do about it.

 

[juicylips]

The dream thing bothers me though. It's one thing to dream about somebody you lust over but this person was just a friend, albeit a very close one.

I think it was perfectly normal to dream about her after thinking about her all day. You have strong emotions connected with her friendship. A week from now if your still dreaming, then I would wonder if there isn't something more missing out of your life than you consciously acknowledge.

IMHO,
JL

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

Thank you all. This helps a lot.