"The surprising reason secrets destroy us": Yours is... ?

[Britva415]

Big Think published this the other day. Very short video.

The TL;DW is, the stress of keeping the secret from others isn't what grinds us down, it's living with the secret alone that stresses us more.

I have a secret which won't be a secret forever, but might be for a few more months.

While it is, I'll share it with all you-y'all-allyall since I'm not ready to bring it up with my wife yet.

(The following is not the secret: )
We have a sexless marriage, she has recently identified as asexual, we love each other and have a very healthy and positive relationship other than sex starvation, and we're actively working out how to stay together without this becoming a deal breaker for me.

There's good news: Our relationship has improved immensely since this hit the presses. I have ten thousand reasons to want to make it work and stay together. Our communication with each other is healthy and largely unreserved, except for one little thing on my part.

THE SECRET
While we explore all other possible accommodations and compromises, which frankly aren't likely to yield what I need, in the meantime I'm keeping from her the knowledge that I'm almost certainly going to wind up asking her for opening the relationship to a polyamorous or ENM* mode.

There, I'm not alone with this.

* Ethical Non-Monogamy, if you have to ask

 

[Saint_Ann]

Why would you marry someone who doesn't like sex?

 

[Britva415]

Why would you marry someone who doesn't like sex?

Good question. The answer is, neither of us knew it would be like this.

She did like sex, early on. Not as much as I did, but it wasn't zero. We're 16 years in and it's been sexless for 10.

The asexuality discovery is new, but it's clear it goes way back.

I've learned that it's really common for asexuals to not realize it until long after beginning a long term relationship. New-relationship energy can get them interested or willing for a certain amount of time, then that goes away and doesn't come back.

This is huge generalizations and not all asexuals are the same, but it describes my wife.

So now we're married and we love each other and want to stay together, take my word for it.

Oh yeah, did you have any secrets to get off your chest?

 

[CiaoSteve]

I'll second @Britva415 comment. I married somebody who promised as much as you wanted, but that changed almost immediately after we were married, with those immortal words "I want to keep it special" Then, around mid-forties, she decided it wasn't for her any more and for around six years we had no sex, no intimacy... a purely platonic relationship just like her parents. We discussed divorce at that point. It is still an issue as the sex we do now have isn't enjoyed from both sides.

Secrets? There are many...
- She doesn't know I write
- She doesn't know how much I'd love to eat her out, or have her blow me
- She doesn't know how much I think of another woman, a work colleague, I met in Taiwan when I was out there in 2016
- She doesn't understand why silent sex, in the bedroom, in the dark, only on a Saturday night, only with her underneath, just doesn't excite
- And me... well... I don't understand why I cannot just accept what she wants and be happy

It is more difficult when the whole subject is so taboo that you cannot even talk about it. The trigger phrases are all there

"I don't want that"
"My body's not a toy"
"Everything is about you"
"It's all or nothing with you"
"Can't you just be happy with what I want"

Oh well, guess you can't have everything in life, but sometimes I do wonder what would it be like if we hadn't gotten married all those years ago (34 and counting).

So, I fantasise, and I write... or do I write, and then I fantasise. The writing makes me happy. I've even learned to live with the few vile comments (usually anonymous). The writing though also fuels my disappointment, so it is a vicious circle.

 

[Britva415]

a purely platonic relationship just like her parents

Interesting, I'm pretty sure my wife's parents are like that too.

And my father's parents.

None of them have open relationships though, so... Here I am blazing new trails.

 

[Rockymtnman]

I'll second @Britva415 comment. I married somebody who promised as much as you wanted, but that changed almost immediately after we were married, with those immortal words "I want to keep it special" Then, around mid-forties, she decided it wasn't for her any more and for around six years we had no sex, no intimacy... a purely platonic relationship just like her parents. We discussed divorce at that point. It is still an issue as the sex we do now have isn't enjoyed from both sides.

Secrets? There are many...
- She doesn't know I write
- She doesn't know how much I'd love to eat her out, or have her blow me
- She doesn't know how much I think of another woman, a work colleague, I met in Taiwan when I was out there in 2016
- She doesn't understand why silent sex, in the bedroom, in the dark, only on a Saturday night, only with her underneath, just doesn't excite
- And me... well... I don't understand why I cannot just accept what she wants and be happy

It is more difficult when the whole subject is so taboo that you cannot even talk about it. The trigger phrases are all there

"I don't want that"
"My body's not a toy"
"Everything is about you"
"It's all or nothing with you"
"Can't you just be happy with what I want"

Oh well, guess you can't have everything in life, but sometimes I do wonder what would it be like if we hadn't gotten married all those years ago (34 and counting).

So, I fantasise, and I write... or do I write, and then I fantasise. The writing makes me happy. I've even learned to live with the few vile comments (usually anonymous). The writing though also fuels my disappointment, so it is a vicious circle.

Brother. Life is too short. You deserve What you want to. Get a fwb or move on.

 

[Britva415]

Brother. Life is too short. You deserve What you want to. Get a fwb or move on.

Did you have a secret you wanted to share, Rocketman?

 

[Rockymtnman]

Did you have a secret you wanted to share, Rocketman?

Umm. Sure. Sometimes when my wife is out of town I’ll masturbate using her silky panties. She doesn’t know because I wash them and put them back. I like to wrap them around my cock and slowly pleasure myself watching porn.

 

[Britva415]

I suspect this will be no big surprise to her. It seems like the most obvious place for this discussion to go.

I would suggest discussing, and agreeing on - if you can - that you two are together for life, no matter what.

Yeah, that's the idea, and you're probably right that she has already thought about it herself.

When the fear of loss is removed, open/poly/enm... is much more palatable.

This is why I'm not in a rush to bring it up. I'd like if she could consider it from a position of confidence. I don't want to position it as "the alternative to splitting," but this is going to be hard because...

Well, because it might very well be. I would never consider this if the stakes weren't that high.

Did you have a secret?

 

[magic_rat]

THE SECRET
While we explore all other possible accommodations and compromises, which frankly aren't likely to yield what I need, in the meantime I'm keeping from her the knowledge that I'm almost certainly going to wind up asking her for opening the relationship to a polyamorous or ENM* mode.

There, I'm not alone with this.

You're not alone. And I applaud you for exploring options.

I was in a sexless marriage (for different reasons) and we just imploded. We are no longer together.

I do now have relationships with two other women, as well as swinging with others (they both swing and enjoy other lovers). One of them, D, wants more from our time together and I have a deep affection for her. We haven't explored labels too much so far but she's happy that we identify as FWB.

The other, L, is more of a soulmate - we met for coffee, she left my place 18 hours later (and that was only because she had a prior engagement with another guy). We've discussed options very candidly. Poly we decided doesn't suit our relationship as she has no other 'special' guy, but ENM fits us well.

Both women know about each other but have not met, as yet. They are both happy that I spend time with both of them, and with others, and they continue to swing with other guys. New year's eve I went to a swing party with D and we both enjoyed each other and others, then she stayed the night with me.

Tonight L has another lover visiting her but the plan is that I will 'catch' them fucking, and join in. He's bi, so it will be fun.

The key to making any of this work it total, complete honesty, even if it risks pissing someone off. Secrets will kill off any relationship but doubly so in a poly/ENM scenario.

 

[Britva415]

I think the key to the discussion you must have is understanding that once will not be enough. You might think you have her agreement and that all is well… but doubt and fear will come into her mind again and again.

Good advice, I'm aware of this but appreciate your mention.

I'm confident we can support each other through this sort of thing, and if it turns out to be too much, we'll do what we need to do.

My feeling is, we have to try.

A development is, this subject came up purely organically the night before last. I didn't have an agenda of beginning this conversation but it has gotten started on its own. I was right about this having occurred to her, herself, already.

We have so far only left it at breaking the ice on this subject. I still plan to work through other matters with her and prepare the soil, so to speak, before actually asking for it.

 

[LeeKee]

Good question. The answer is, neither of us knew it would be like this.

She did like sex, early on. Not as much as I did, but it wasn't zero. We're 16 years in and it's been sexless for 10.

The asexuality discovery is new, but it's clear it goes way back.

I've learned that it's really common for asexuals to not realize it until long after beginning a long term relationship. New-relationship energy can get them interested or willing for a certain amount of time, then that goes away and doesn't come back.

This is huge generalizations and not all asexuals are the same, but it describes my wife.

So now we're married and we love each other and want to stay together, take my word for it.

Oh yeah, did you have any secrets to get off your chest?

Sometimes, it’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Just because she can go cold and seem “happy” doesn’t meet it should be expected that it be good for the gander. Make it known and understood. If it’s a deal breaker let her break it, or she has to adapt and overcome.

 

[Britva415]

Sometimes, it’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Just because she can go cold and seem “happy” doesn’t meet it should be expected that it be good for the gander. Make it known and understood. If it’s a deal breaker let her break it, or she has to adapt and overcome.

I feel like you stopped reading there and didn't see the rest of the conversation.

Anyway I didn't intend to make this thread all about me!

Do you have a secret?

 

[Britva415]

I changed the title.

 

[TallMan69]

<<she has recently identified as asexual>>

I didn’t really know much about a sexuality. I remember hearing the comedian Paula Poundstone saying she was asexual. I was surprised to hear this. I just always assumed that she was a lesbian from her suit and ties. I love her comedy routines and she’s so hilarious. Anyway, sex seems like it’s so basic to life that I am surprised that some people just don’t have those feelings. I can understand change of health, age, diminishing hormones and just not being in a relationship. But all those things being unaffected it’s hard to understand not desiring that connection with someone. Would be interested in learning more about this.