The Men Who's Wives Have No Sex Drive Support Club

[eroticspank]

Amen, brother. At the same time sex is a mind clearer and de-stressor. It is a lot easier to "feel in love", forgive, and forget after an intimate encounter where much pleasure is given and received. It's one of the reasons sex is so important IMHO.

Damn chickens and eggs (carts and horses).

VERY TRUE.....and it may sound a bit weird to some but I feel as part of marriage counseling, should be sex...maybe homework the day prior. I know we could all think of ways this could not work and completely fall apart with more resentment. But why not think of how it could work as part of the counseling and getting the couple back together in love? Making love causes bonding and mutual flow of energy, I feel it is part of what keeps the relationship solid.

ES

 

[pplwatching]

I know we could all think of ways this could not work and completely fall apart with more resentment. But why not think of how it could work as part of the counseling and getting the couple back together in love

I know that my wife's willingness to adopt this attitude had a lot to do with our "recovery", for which I owe her a debt of gratitude. It took honest communication to get there, but it was worth it. She went from "This situation has the potential to lead to an expectation of sex, so I will avoid it" to "This situation could lead to sex, but that's a good thing so lets see how it goes."

I had to be willing to accept that getting hot and heavy might actually get us nowhere, and it often didn't at first. Rosy Palm might get some action, but usually my wife would snuggle up to me and help so it was a win either way. It was very easy to be appreciative of the effort, because even at the dead ends I enjoyed spending time with her, making out, and just being intimate in general. It was a healing process, for sure.

It all boiled down to attitude; wanting to be married, wanting each other to be happy, accepting each other's sexuality, and a willingness to try a different approach to meet each others needs. It would have been impossible if we were hostile or unable to communicate.

 

[LanguageOfLove]

I know that my wife's willingness to adopt this attitude had a lot to do with our "recovery", for which I owe her a debt of gratitude. It took honest communication to get there, but it was worth it. She went from "This situation has the potential to lead to an expectation of sex, so I will avoid it" to "This situation could lead to sex, but that's a good thing so lets see how it goes."

I had to be willing to accept that getting hot and heavy might actually get us nowhere, and it often didn't at first. Rosy Palm might get some action, but usually my wife would snuggle up to me and help so it was a win either way. It was very easy to be appreciative of the effort, because even at the dead ends I enjoyed spending time with her, making out, and just being intimate in general. It was a healing process, for sure.

It all boiled down to attitude; wanting to be married, wanting each other to be happy, accepting each other's sexuality, and a willingness to try a different approach to meet each others needs. It would have been impossible if we were hostile or unable to communicate.

Exactly, this is what happened in our situation. I couldn't have explained it better. For me, It took bringing up the situation in a nurturing way and I expressed to him what I thought was bothering me. Listening to each other was the key to repairing our intimacy.
Once things started to change, our approach to each other changed as well as our intimacy and my mindset. I wish we had this talk sooner, but its better late than never. Now we finally understand that we need each other's love and touch. Getting close has improved our communication in a lot of areas. Where we once argued, we can have a decent conversation.

 

[txgent101]

I was married and divorced twice (17 years and 22 years). In both cases, looking back, when the sex stopped, the marriage had died. Which was cause and which was effect? You keep going: for the sake of the kids, for the sake of friends, or just plain did not know what to do otherwise. Societal customs. Pretending. Naïve. Timid. Afraid to push it lest it caused a fraught relationship to get worse. Friends, but not lovers. I masturbated in secret; did she masturbate in secret? I don’t know. I was ‘faithful’. I think she was too. I was a good provider. She did get overweight to the point of obesity and fought that most of the years.

And this was before the internet, so we (at least I) didn’t know about oral sex, doggie style, mutual masturbation, or most other modern forms of sex play. Missionary was about it. Sometimes I wish we had Literotica back then!

There was some marriage counseling; usually seemed to come down to my being too focused on my job and not enough on the marriage. Nothing about sex, per se. Thinking back, that was a cop-out by the counselor.

At the end the marriage just kind of faded away, not even going through the motions. And segued into divorce, initiated by her in both instances. And generally friends afterwards (for the sake of the kids).

Sorry if that was whiny, but just what came to mind vis a vis this topic.

 

[EndOfThis]

Once we were able to agree that we both wanted a healthy marriage that met each of our individual needs, we were finally able to deal with the elephant in the room. Namely, I wanted sex and she didn't seem to. For us, it was important to understand that it wasn't that she didn't want sex. She just didn't feel the biological imperative to have it. She very much wanted a happy marriage for both of us, and knew that sex was a part of that. She knew that sex feels good. She knew that sex brought us closer together. In short, she wanted sex. We just had to work together to overcome biology.

Reaching that understand and coming to a meeting of the minds was hard work, but it was crucial because knowing that she wanted a healthy marriage, and by extension a healthy sex life, is what enabled us to break down those bad habits that we both had learned. I had learned to walk on eggshells and she had learned how to avoid awkward moments. We both had to learn to rethink sex from the bottom up (no pun intended).

Thanks for this thoughtful response. A lot of what you said resonates with my current situation.

After I posted this I actually started texting my wife and trying to break the ice. She was at work and I just started texting her some sexy messages, which she felt awkward about, but the convo evolved in to an open discussion about our sexual struggles. It was one of the best and most honest talks we've had about our sex life in a long time.

I'm optimistic about where things are headed.

 

[pplwatching]

Sometimes it seems like having a spouse who even cares is like winning the lottery, only better. Congratulations on breaking the ice, and best of luck to you guys.

Thanks for this thoughtful response. A lot of what you said resonates with my current situation.

After I posted this I actually started texting my wife and trying to break the ice. She was at work and I just started texting her some sexy messages, which she felt awkward about, but the convo evolved in to an open discussion about our sexual struggles. It was one of the best and most honest talks we've had about our sex life in a long time.

I'm optimistic about where things are headed.

 

[eroticspank]

As someone who walked on the same eggshells for many years, the best thing that we ever did was to break that cycle. Someone has to take responsibility for creating opportunities to have sex, because a rudderless sex life is going nowhere fast.

Having weathered that particular storm, I completely understand the cycle of hope and rejection leading to a timid approach to sex. In my opinion (humble or not), it perpetuates the situation. Without opportunities or initiative, sex will never happen and it doesn't magically get better. To put a fine point on the matter, someone must be in charge of your sex life.

As the spouse with the higher libido (and perhaps even male/female sexual role expectations) that role fell to me. I didn't want duty sex and the thought of "forcing" my wife to have sex when she didn't want to was repulsive. That didn't change the fact that not having sex was bad for our marriage. We were not in immediate danger of splitting up over the issue because we still loved and respected each other, but the fact of the matter is that a healthy marriage is healthy only when all of its parts are healthy.

Once we were able to agree that we both wanted a healthy marriage that met each of our individual needs, we were finally able to deal with the elephant in the room. Namely, I wanted sex and she didn't seem to. For us, it was important to understand that it wasn't that she didn't want sex. She just didn't feel the biological imperative to have it. She very much wanted a happy marriage for both of us, and knew that sex was a part of that. She knew that sex feels good. She knew that sex brought us closer together. In short, she wanted sex. We just had to work together to overcome biology.

Reaching that understand and coming to a meeting of the minds was hard work, but it was crucial because knowing that she wanted a healthy marriage, and by extension a healthy sex life, is what enabled us to break down those bad habits that we both had learned. I had learned to walk on eggshells and she had learned how to avoid awkward moments. We both had to learn to rethink sex from the bottom up (no pun intended).

What worked for us was that we literally had to come to an agreement that I am always free to initiate, and she will never outright refuse (without a reason other than "I'm not feeling it right at the moment."). We both try to create opportunities for sex, and we both have to realize and accept that the opportunity may not lead to sweaty sheets.

We learned that often times being together with the means, motive, and opportunity led to her becoming aroused and enjoying sex. For that to happen she had to feel comfortable with the possibility that it might not because pressure is not sexy. I had to reassure her (and mean it) that if she didn't get aroused then I would actually be okay with it. No sulking, even inside with a smile on my face. We both had to accept that not getting aroused was not a failure. It just meant lovingly accepting that it wasn't going to happen. From there, sometimes she would help me have one sided sex and sometimes I would just take care of myself. Sometimes a little lube would let her enjoy the intimacy of sex even if arousal didn't happen.

Gradually, sex became more frequent than once every two or three months. Being able to relax and be the moment with me, without pressure or expectation allowed her to relax and enjoy being together. It brought sexual intimacy back to our marriage, and gradually she became much more easily aroused. When it isn't in the cards we just enjoy being together, including the closeness of skin on skin contact even if things fizzle or end up being one sided.

For my part, I had to realize that the fact that she would never refuse put the onus on me to at least be aware of how stressful her day has been (etc) and not expect sex when it's unreasonable to expect sex. I can't initiate at 11pm and expect her to be anything but tired. I have to create the opportunity for sex, including everything that has been said here about helping out around the house. Not because I'm trading work for sex, but because she needs to feel that I am present in our marriage and am being a part of it.

Your marriage is not my marriage and you may have different perspectives on marriage and sex than we do. My suggestion is to stop walking on eggshells and stop thinking about sex in terms of who initiates. Stop thinking in terms of libido and only initiating sex when "she's in the mood". Start talking to your wife about the importance of a healthy sex life. Start creating opportunities for sex, and understand that opportunity might not always lead to sex.

Constantly worrying about rejection is unhealthy for you. Your unhappiness is unhealthy for your marriage, which means it's unhealthy for her. If she understands that, then you can work together to find an approach to sex that works for both of you even if it's not your fantasy sex life.

All that I can say is that it has worked for us.

Wow, there are so many good comments in this reply above. I am surprised I did not see it earlier.

I think it is important for all of us, men and women to look at things differently, like how you mentioned above for us to move forward in a loving and understanding relationship.

I always wondered what it is like for a woman who is not aroused to encourage and accept her man to thrust inside her to orgasm. All the while she is holding, touching, and even kissing him in approval. It is one sided as far as orgasm goes, but there certainly is intimacy, acceptance, love, and energy exchanged. I can't speak for other men, but in my case I imagine I would feel closer to my partner and very appreciative in many forms. It would be holding her close after and telling her I love her. (No that is not all I want and I would be appreciative of her at other times too.)

I really feel that resentment is the one attitude that seems to ruin sex in marriage the most. For example: I feel humiliated because she spoke to me in a loud irritating voice in front of others at a bar because I did not hear what she said originally. Later in the day I still feel bad and if we have not talked about it with an apology or some resolution, my thought is I don't want to give her ANY pleasure because of what she did to me! Why would I make her feel good when she made me feel bad? Yes, I know that is not the way to think and I admit I am guilty from time to time. It can even turn into...I am an idiot---that is how she talked to me--so there is no way she wants sex. In other words I am mad at myself.

What I learned is loving the whole person. There are times when I get angry or upset at things she does, but overall she is a great person who I love. She makes mistakes as do I. But she deserves my caring and love all the time, that includes the sexual part. And making opportunity for sex as mentioned above is so important.

Also, I feel there are times when we each need to focus on our partners in the bedroom. There needs to be times when it is just about her pleasure. Similar to the above when the woman just focused on her husbands pleasure. Can you imagine getting a nice massage but trying to stay awake because you know you have to return the favor? Let her sit back, relax, get satisfied and not worry about you. That does not have to mean orgasm, it can be whatever she chooses or you help her pick. The focus is on her and her pleasure.

ES

 

[pplwatching]

I always wondered what it is like for a woman who is not aroused to encourage and accept her man to thrust inside her to orgasm. All the while she is holding, touching, and even kissing him in approval. It is one sided as far as orgasm goes, but there certainly is intimacy, acceptance, love, and energy exchanged.

My wife's OBGYN at one point suggested she just buy some lube and make the best of it. On the one hand, it was an insensitive response even knowing there was nothing the doc (a female) could do. On the other hand, when things are going well in the marriage and each spouse wants to get things back on track, and wants the emotional and psychological benefits it's not a terrible idea for the reasons you mention. It took us a long time to get to where that was an option, but even then she still has to be receptive if not aroused.

Also, I feel there are times when we each need to focus on our partners in the bedroom. There needs to be times when it is just about her pleasure. Can you imagine getting a nice massage but trying to stay awake because you know you have to return the favor? Let her sit back, relax, get satisfied and not worry about you.

This is a good example because it was an issue between us. During the worst of it, I would give her back rubs or whatever else because I knew she had always liked them. Before the crisis, she could relax and enjoy it and most of the time it didn't lead to sex. When sex was an issue, she couldn't relax and enjoy it because suddenly in her mind it created an expectation of sex. She could no longer relax and enjoy my touch because our dysfunction created pressure that hadn't been there before. Our sex life had begun to dominate any kind of physical affection.

After our agreement, she learned to relax and enjoy back rubs and lots of other physical touch (including erogenous zones) that isn't part of a seduction and often falls asleep while I am giving her a massage.

 

[eroticspank]

My wife's OBGYN at one point suggested she just buy some lube and make the best of it. On the one hand, it was an insensitive response even knowing there was nothing the doc (a female) could do. On the other hand, when things are going well in the marriage and each spouse wants to get things back on track, and wants the emotional and psychological benefits it's not a terrible idea for the reasons you mention. It took us a long time to get to where that was an option, but even then she still has to be receptive if not aroused.



This is a good example because it was an issue between us. During the worst of it, I would give her back rubs or whatever else because I knew she had always liked them. Before the crisis, she could relax and enjoy it and most of the time it didn't lead to sex. When sex was an issue, she couldn't relax and enjoy it because suddenly in her mind it created an expectation of sex. She could no longer relax and enjoy my touch because our dysfunction created pressure that hadn't been there before. Our sex life had begun to dominate any kind of physical affection.

After our agreement, she learned to relax and enjoy back rubs and lots of other physical touch (including erogenous zones) that isn't part of a seduction and often falls asleep while I am giving her a massage.

You make some good points. The bottom line is it took you some real work on both sides before you guys were able to do the above. In our fantasies and the things we write about, that kind of real work, affection, love, and commitment is absent or at least in the background. Correction, I will say at least for me...in my writings, fantasies, etc.

ES

 

[pplwatching]

In our fantasies and the things we write about, that kind of real work, affection, love, and commitment is absent or at least in the background. Correction, I will say at least for me...in my writings, fantasies, etc.

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing. There's a fantasy version of my wife in my head that comes out when I am having a me moment. The issue is when the fantasy version keeps us from acknowledging the warm, living, breathing woman who still needs love , affection, and companionship even though she doesn't want sex.

 

[eroticspank]

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing. There's a fantasy version of my wife in my head that comes out when I am having a me moment. The issue is when the fantasy version keeps us from acknowledging the warm, living, breathing woman who still needs love , affection, and companionship even though she doesn't want sex.

Very true especially since many of us on our this site just for that, fantasies. So acknowledging the above is important in separating our fantasies from interfering with our real sex lives. I know fantasies can enhance our sex lives when seen in the proper light.

ES

 

[pikmin1388]

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing. There's a fantasy version of my wife in my head that comes out when I am having a me moment. The issue is when the fantasy version keeps us from acknowledging the warm, living, breathing woman who still needs love , affection, and companionship even though she doesn't want sex.

As one of the couple of females joining in on this thread thought I'd add things from my perspective. I would never have entered a relationship knowing it would end up sexless, you have a room mate not a partner , so your partner needs love and affection , but it's supposed to be an equal partnership? what about your needs ? Surely they matter ? Being forced into celibacy is wrong and for me damaging, I wish I could set up a place where men or ladies can go to have their needs met .

 

[eroticspank]

As one of the couple of females joining in on this thread thought I'd add things from my perspective. I would never have entered a relationship knowing it would end up sexless, you have a room mate not a partner , so your partner needs love and affection , but it's supposed to be an equal partnership? what about your needs ? Surely they matter ? Being forced into celibacy is wrong and for me damaging, I wish I could set up a place where men or ladies can go to have their needs met .

I agree. No sex is wrong and damaging for both the man and the woman. It would be nice if we could go to a place to get our needs met. I think that is already done in the form of an affair, a happy ending massage, or an escort service. I hope people can solve their problems "in house" so they can get back to regular love making and adult play.

ES

 

[pikmin1388]

I agree. No sex is wrong and damaging for both the man and the woman. It would be nice if we could go to a place to get our needs met. I think that is already done in the form of an affair, a happy ending massage, or an escort service. I hope people can solve their problems "in house" so they can get back to regular love making and adult play.

ES

For men there are several solutions loads of places to go to get relief sadly there is nothing for ladies not in UK anyway I've researched it , affairs end relationships if found out , that's why I wish I could set something up that was legal , having no out let for me is a living nightmare some days

 

[SquirtnBrat]

The latest insult was "you are too busy worrying about acting like a fucking 20yr old instead of worrying about our real life responsibilities."
It is not just 20yr olds who enjoy or want sex. I spent my 20s with him NOT getting laid. Just gotta except the fact that he will never be my "lover". My best friend, confidant, and partner for the next 12 yrs sure... But he will never understand why it is so important to me. And it will never be important to him.
Time to buy a personal massager....

 

[guns44]

Its been almost four months, and anytime I bring it up she says thats all I think about. Just a few days ago I grabbed her ass when we were in bed and she said, leave me the fuck alone.....which is why im on Lit..

 

[pplwatching]

The latest insult was "you are too busy worrying about acting like a fucking 20yr old instead of worrying about our real life responsibilities."

There seem to be two ends of the spectrum on the low drive side. One end actually cares and wants to work on a solution, while the other end doesn't care and is defensive. I'm sure there's lots of people somewhere in the middle, who do just enough to get along. Hostility and blame shifting can be a defensive maneuver to shift the focus from the real problem.

I am fortunate that my wife is on the wants to make an effort end of the spectrum. I don't know what I would have done if she was somewhere else. If she was on the "doesn't care" side then I would question why she wanted to be married to me, and also why she thought I would want an exclusive arrangement given that she really just didn't care if my sexual needs were being met. I understand financial stability, kids (if the rest of the marriage is functional), but "because we love each other" can get worn down to a nub. I can't wrap my head around being nothing more than friends in a marriage. I wasn't happy with the situation (I just put on a good face for too long). I certainly would have to rethink a hostile relationship.

I don't have any answers, but think it's important to look at all aspects of the marriage before deciding whether it's wort it to stay.

 

[guns44]

......

 

[newhere2learn]

Its been almost four months, and anytime I bring it up she says thats all I think about. Just a few days ago I grabbed her ass when we were in bed and she said, leave me the fuck alone.....which is why im on Lit..

I get the same about a kiss, even a peck on the lips.

 

[EndOfThis]

Thanks for this thoughtful response. A lot of what you said resonates with my current situation.

After I posted this I actually started texting my wife and trying to break the ice. She was at work and I just started texting her some sexy messages, which she felt awkward about, but the convo evolved in to an open discussion about our sexual struggles. It was one of the best and most honest talks we've had about our sex life in a long time.

I'm optimistic about where things are headed.

Update. As I said wife and I finally had a in depth talk about our sex life. She was able tell me what she wants more of (me to initiate, me to be more aggressive and less tender, etc) and less of (she doesn't enjoy receiving oral).

I was able to express what I want (more frequency and more variety/non-penetrative sex (oral, HJ, etc..)). We currently avg 1x per month. Confessed that I could easily be a 3-4x per week guy. She asked if we could compromise at 1x per week for now. That seemed fair to me.

So far she has followed through and so have I.

Definitely heading in the right direction.

 

[LanguageOfLove]

Update. As I said wife and I finally had a in depth talk about our sex life. She was able tell me what she wants more of (me to initiate, me to be more aggressive and less tender, etc) and less of (she doesn't enjoy receiving oral).

I was able to express what I want (more frequency and more variety/non-penetrative sex (oral, HJ, etc..)). We currently avg 1x per month. Confessed that I could easily be a 3-4x per week guy. She asked if we could compromise at 1x per week for now. That seemed fair to me.

So far she has followed through and so have I.

Definitely heading in the right direction.

Yay!

Thats good to hear!

Communication breaks down the barriers!

 

[pplwatching]

She was able tell me what she wants more of (me to initiate, me to be more aggressive and less tender, etc)

Congratulations. Sounds like good progress. My wife has never come out and said it but she does respond to a more 'hungry' approach. Runs a little against the grain of what we picked up along the way but it seeme like she's not going to break after all

 

[Poovey555]

Woman's pov

We have had our ups and downs. After childbirth I had Postpartum depression, overeating, low sex drive, moody, irritated at everything. I worked 12 hour rotating shifts at the time. My days off and day shift, no sex. I was not "in the mood", when I was on nights and got home at 7:30 in the morning on weekends- great sex. finally told me one day I had to do something or he was leaving. I got help, antidepressants worked wonders. My hysterectomy was a good thing for us, I never could take birth control pills and IUDs and other devices caused me problems. Sex was great, until a few years ago, he was struggling with opiate addiction, thank you VA. He kicked it and we are great again. Three times yesterday.
Communication has been our salvation. We also started swinging and that helped me get back in the mood, back when the issue was my depression.

But communication is the main thing that has gotten us through several issues, not all sex related, in our 24 years together.

 

[Mqoi]

I had been holding hopes for things to get better as I love her to pieces and have no intentions of a breakup, but after she told a friend the other day in front of me that with her health problems, our sex life is over, I guess it's over.

Now the question is what to do from here as I still very much desire to have sex.

 

[SquirtnBrat]

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-beat-the-top-desire-killer-in-relationships

I agreed with this article. What do you gentlemen think?